99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”

“I HAVEN’T A CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M TALKING ABOUT AT THE BEST OF TIMES,” said DE commenter CAPSLOCK. “BUT WE SHOULD KILL EVERYBODY WHO DOESN’T AGREE WITH ME – ESPECIALLY THE DARKIES AND THE QUEERS.”

All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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