Appeal – Can You Help Us Find Our Missing Nigel?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

We aren’t offering a reward or anything, but we seem to have misplaced our Nigel, and we’d really, really appreciate it if you could help us to get him back.

Nigel went missing just before last weekend. He was last seen in a pub celebrating the birth of the Royal baby, chugging on a B&H with a swift pint. At the time he was last seen he was wearing a stupid grin, a coat with a velvet collar and shiny shoes. The only witness we have at present has informed us that Nigel said he was leaving in order to try to find a ‘policy.’ We aren’t sure exactly what that means, but it does seem to confirm that our Nigel was acting in an uncharacteristic fashion. He’s never mentioned anything about policy before, although he did once scribble something he described as ‘an idea’ on a soggy beer mat in biro.

Our Nigel has been described as bearing more than a passing resemblance to Parker, the Gerry Anderson puppet out of the TV series Thunderbirds. He’s quite a jovial sort of chap, who it’s quite safe to approach providing you don’t mind somebody bending your earholes with anti-EU propaganda for an hour or two. And you aren’t an immigrant or an ethnic minority.

And possibly dangerous if you happen to be a Romanian.

We’re desperate to find our Nigel, as he hasn’t been seen for two or three days, and we’re desperate to bring him home. If you’re English just take him to the nearest pub, buy him a pint, tell him David Cameron is on his way to discuss the possibility of a coalition and contact us ASAP.

If you aren’t English, it’s probably advisable to track him and maintain contact with your local police station via mobile phone until he is successfully apprehended.

If you do spot our Nigel, please let us know via our Café Spike Facebook page. We’re desperately missing him, because we haven’t had a good belly laugh in days, and as his absence continues to torture us, our country is rapidly disappearing down the toilet. Help us get our Nigel, and our country back. You know it makes sense.

Many thanks from the Café Spike team.

Contact us on our Facebook page; it’s on Facebook somewhere.

Share
(Visited 109 times, 1 visits today)