Cafe Spike – Just 999,884 FB Likes Away From Our First Million

Help Café Spike Hit The Million. If They Do They've Promised Me Free Viagra For Life - Pele

Help Café Spike Hit The Magic Million. If They Do They’ve Promised Me Free Viagra For Life – Pele

There were jubilant scenes today at the offices of online magazine as the latest statistics showed that the site is only 999,884 Facebook ‘likes’ away from the benchmark of a cool million.

“We’re getting there,” Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock beamed as he cracked open a celebratory can of Special Brew. “It’s fair to say that it’s been a slow and somewhat laborious process building up our first Facebook million, but we’ve only been going for two years and we’ve got a hundred and sixteen FB ‘likes’ already, so we haven’t got far to go before we’re up there with the best of them, the high rollers like Britain First, the Conservative Party and Alan Titchmarsh.”

Web analyst Damon Strawbarn explained that although the website is performing well, progress on Facebook was initially somewhat ponderous.

“It was a bit ponderous at first,” Strawbarn said. “You see, the thing is that Facebook is a notoriously difficult market to crack, but the guys and gals are well on the way. A bit like the Beatles cracking America in the 60’s. I think the problem with Facebook is that the competition is so fierce. When you’re sharing mainly half-arsed comedy content on an ad free platform that doesn’t crash your computer or bombard you with advertising like some others, you just can’t compete with gripping pictures and clips of kittens and puppies doing stuff which quite frankly I find mundane and stupid. The same as people telling you what the weather’s like, how hungry they are at any given moment, or posting stupid selfies all day long.”

It would be fair to say that some Facebook users also find Café Spike mundane and stupid. The Editor in Chief of a prestigious satirical website complained that Café Spike suffers from verbal diahrroeah, and completely misses the point of satire by continually publishing long winded articles concerning what people had for their dinner that day, and that there isn’t enough foul language and full frontal nudity on the site. Or articles about being youthfully virile and masturbating into a sock.

“We aren’t a satire site though,” Shuttlecock responded. “We just do daft stuff and whatever appeals to the editorial team on any given day. As for the dearth of foul and abusive language – that usually depends on how drunk or stoned we happen to be at the time of publication. Sometimes we’re just not bothered. As for being virile and masturbating into socks; we can’t be arsed with all that. We’re a bit long in the tooth for all that malarkey.”

Stock market analyst Ferdinand Ponzi told speculative investors last night at a meeting at London’s renowned Grosvenor House Hotel that although the site’s owners aren’t actively seeking investment they’re a sure fire bet for speculators. “You can send them some money if you like,” he said. “But they’ll probably just spend it on something or other that makes no sense whatsoever.”

You can help the Café Spike fightback by liking our Facebook page and sharing our articles with your friends. Anything you can do to help us avoid paying those thieving bastards at Facebook to promote our page is much appreciated. If you’d like to contribute, you can either contact us or Martin Shuttlecock via Facebook, but don’t bother if your stuff is crap. We’re only interested in making you work hard so we don’t have to. Spread the word, drop us a comment. We’ll probably ignore you altogether, but that’s life.

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