“What is Brexit and what is going to happen now that Britain has voted to LEAVE the EU?” – Daily Express, One Year On

It's all bollocks

It’s all bollocks

Not our headline but a quote from the Daily Express website today. The irony is obvious considering that the Express has been waving the Brexit flag for years and slagging the EU off at every available opportunity with a barrage of unfounded accusations. This from a “reputable” news outlet (Questionable at best) that tried to pin the blame for the Grenfell Tower atrocity on the EU.

With all due disrespect, it’s a bit fucking late to be telling your bottom-feeding readers that Brexit isn’t actually such a good thing at all, that it’s going to cost us a fortune and that we’d have been better off not touching the Express’s flagship “policy” with a bargepole. What’s good for Mr Desmond isn’t necessarily good for the morons who have voraciously devoured all the bollocks it’s printed over the years.

Quelle surprise!

Still, if we’re to believe any of their bollocks it won’t be so bad after all. We’ll all be wiped out by a rogue asteroid, taken over by the Lizard People or wiped out by some cataclysmic weather event before the full effects of a cliff edge Brexit kick in.

So that’s all right then.

As you were…

Paddy Berzinski

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Inauguration was “massive” insists Mayor Barry Slade

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

Crowds pictured en route to the abbey.

The mayor of Titchfield today announced that Friday’s inauguration ceremony at the abbey was, “massive, yugely attended, and the biggest and best ever.”

Despite eye-witness and photographic evidence which clearly show only eleven attendees (five of whom were intending to visit the neighbouring garden centre but took a wrong turn) Mayor Slade warned reporters (including us) not to look at the evidence, but to trust him, because he was there.

“I know what I saw,” Mayor Slade fumed. “I saw a lot of people, many people, a crowd going back as far as I could see – all the way down past the Fisherman’s Rest to Titchfield Mill. To suggest that only eleven people turned up for the inauguration is ridiculous. All those people, that crowd, all that clapping and cheering, I’ll never forget that. I know what I saw and I’m telling you that I’m absolutely correct, and the press is wrong. Very wrong. So very, very wrong. On every level. Just wrong.

“And I’ll tell you something else – my crowd was way bigger than the last Mayor’s. A lot bigger. Multiple times bigger. And it would have been bigger still if not for the road works on the A27 by Fareham station and the fact that they held the meat raffle two days early in that pub in Portchester.

“You’re all pathetic and fake anyway and I hate you all.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Titchfield Mayoral inauguration branded a flop

Mayor Barry Slade - defiant in the face of adversity.

Mayor Barry Slade – defiant in the face of adversity.

Officials have officially stated that the disappointing figures for Friday’s mayoral inauguration ceremony in the grounds of the abbey were ‘disappointing, to say the least,’ while newly sworn in Mayor, Barry Slade decried the claims by declaring the event a ‘resounding success which sent a message out to the world, the whole world, all of it, oh yes.’

Despite hiring 100 seats for the event, officials announced that only 11 had actually shown up, of which five were garden centre customers who had taken a wrong turn.

Mayor Slade blamed the dismal turnout on ‘adverse conditions and women,’ claiming that tailbacks on the M62 had caused problems and that many visitors became distracted by the allure of a farmers’ market just up the road in Fareham, adding that women didn’t help the situation because ‘they always want their own way.’

“It was bladdy big load of shit innit,” said burger van entrepreneur Ali Bullo. “They tell me six hundred coming so I pay thirty pound for license, come with hundred burger, I sell not one. Is bladdy rip-off and big waste of time. Nobody come, nobody buy burger, Tommy Cooper impersonator – him not come. Is all a bladdy big con innit …”

Mayor Slade dismissed his critics by saying they just couldn’t get along with his anti-everything stance.

“Seems obvious to me that in this village the women wear the pants,” he said. “Women should stop talking and trying to interfere with business and get busy in the bedroom and the kitchen because they aren’t good for much else. If you ask me they have too much influence, way too much influence. The guys of Titchfield need to grow a pair, that’s right, grow a pair, a big pair, a yuge pair, and put their foot down with a firm hand before we become a nation of pussies. Pussies…yes…”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Welborne – Affordable homes from £55k – but there’s a catch

Welborne - behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Welborne – behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Fareham Borough Councils’ Camorra representative, Sean Woodchuckio – currently marketing Welborne Garden Village with kites and manicured lawns – today vowed that the controversial development would be all inclusive, with 2,000 new dwellings to be made immediately available at affordable levels. [Read more…]

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Brexit voters ARE old racist xenophobic coffin dodging wankers – you read it here first

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

Let’s just take a moment to consider the motivation of Brexit voters, [Read more…]

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Help Us To Save Nigel Farage

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet – still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Having heard that Nigel Farage has received death threats from anonymous sources and that he can’t go out in public without fearing for his personal safety we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and we’ve come up with a rather rollicking good plan to keep the sainted Lord Nigel alive and safe. But we need YOUR help.

We propose to commission a ten foot square steel cube with twelve inch thick walls and a big feeding tube attached and then put Nigel in it and bury it two hundred feet deep in Death Valley in his beloved USA, where he’ll be completely untouchable and safe from all the lunatics who wish him harm and threaten to loosen the wheel nuts on his car and suchlike.

Above ground we’ll install a pod containing a dozen highly trained SAS men to guard the feed tube and send Lord Nigel copious quantities of John Bull best bitter, Benson and Hedges, Pringles, salsa dip and regular copies of the DAILY EXPRESS so he can bask in the hero worship of his sycophantic fan base.

We reckon it’ll cost about £3 million but it’ll be money well spent if it keeps Nigel safe, and here’s where you come in…

Send us your donation now, the greater the sum the more it’ll make Saint Nigel safe from harm.

If you’d rather contribute towards maintaining Lord Nigel’s sartorial elegance you can contribute to our kit appeal, which may well keep the Good Lord Nigel in mustard coloured corduroy trousers, tasselled loafers, crombie coats (with velvet collars of course) and hacking jackets.

Send in YOUR donation NOW to KEEP Saint Nigel safe this Christmas and for years to come.

**UPDATE** We hadn’t factored into the financial costing a toilet facility, so PLEASE donate an extra £100 so that King Nigel can have a safe place to meditate.

After all – the last thing we’d want would be for Father Nigel to drown in his own effluence.

That would just be wrong.

Cafe Spike

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Trump To Deport Nigel Farage

You're fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

You’re fired ya prick! Now fuck off!

US President Elect, Donald Trump is to have Nigel Farage deported from the USA as soon as possible after discovering that the creepy little shit isn’t some big shot politician after all – just some half arsed chancer who showed up at Trump Tower prostituting himself like a three dollar whore. [Read more…]

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Theresa May to go for a plucky Brexit

Theresa May - knows everything there is to know about shoes.

Theresa May – knows everything there is to know about shoes.

As the debate rages over whether Britain will take the ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ Brexit route it has emerged that in typically British fashion Theresa May appears to have plumped for a ‘plucky’ Brexit.

In true British spirit, a plucky Brexit will involve a great deal of posturing, lots of head shaking, sharp intakes of breath, lashings of knowing glances, a bit of shouting, much wringing of hands, a multitude of platitudes and the laying on thick of gallons of patronising guff.

“What it means basically is that we’ll be half way in and half way out,” a Downing Street source revealed. “We’ve based our strategy on the old song about the Grand Old Duke of York, whose ten thousand men when they were up were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up they were neither up nor down.

“That should be enough to baffle the Europeans so they haven’t a clue what’s happening either, satisfy the Brexiters who hadn’t got a clue what they were really voting for anyway, and appease the remainers who’d moan whatever happened.

“This way we get the best of both worlds – if the EU descends into meltdown we just tell them that we told them we were leaving anyway, and if our economy tanks we go back to the EU and just act like nothing happened. The PM’s a shrewd operator and she’s got an amazing shoe collection. She knows what she’s doing.

“Especially when it comes to shoes…”

More as we get it.

BMM

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Back to the drawing board for sex robot designers

A faulty sex robot pictured last Tuesday on the inter web.

A faulty sex robot pictured last Tuesday on the inter web.

The sex robot industry is in crisis today as designers were accused of dereliction of duty after fitting newer models with ultra-lifelike artificial intelligence.

Advances in technology have resulted in sex robots that are so realistic that they could easily be mistaken for real women, but customers have inundated manufacturers with a torrent of complaints over the levels of AI that have been installed in later models.

“Every time I’m up for it and I take my robot to bed she turns her back on me and says that she’s too busy to make love because she’s installing updates,” said disgruntled customer Martin Carroll of Basingstoke.

“Mine constantly nags me for leaving the toilet seat up,” added Ted Pascoe of Norwich.

“That’s nothing,” hooted Richard Madeley from London. “Every time I get to the vinegar stroke mine freezes up and starts buffering.”

“Mine’s so intelligent she starts laughing when I take my kit off,” said Alun Tribal of Titchfield. “It’s a nightmare.”

Sex robot designers are said to working hard at dumbing down their models by installing Katie Hopkins level AI and offering reasonable part exchange deals to customers currently possessing defective models with more than a third of a brain.

More high tech malarkey as we get it.

CS

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If Donald Trump Puts His Grubby Little Mitts On Me I’ll Rip His Nut Sack Off – Says Feisty Woman

What's that you say fat boy? - A woman off the telly - not the feisty one.

What’s that you say fat boy? – A woman off the telly – not the feisty one.

If Donald Trump lays his grubby mitts on me I’ll rip his nut sack off – says feisty woman

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

More Trump related tomfoolery as it comes in.

MS

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