Donald Trump shat in my handbag claims Titchfield woman

Velda Geldof ended her thirty years of silence over the incident as revelations of Trumps’s sexual proclivities shook the world recently.

Incident occurred at a Las Vegas casino in 1985

Presidential candidate treated holidaymaker like ‘a lump of meat.’

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Some woman who bears a vague resemblance to Velda Geldof pictured walking in the rain a fortnight or so ago.

Neighbours claim that Mrs Geldof is ‘a deluded fantasist.’

“I was on holiday at one of the big casinos in Vegas with my husband, Reg in 1985,” she claimed. “Reg was having a pint in the cocktail bar and I was playing the slots when Trump approached me. He said ‘Hi’ and then grabbed me by the pussy and whisked me off to his room. It all happened so fast that I felt dizzy.

“When we got to his room he was talking the talk and pawing me all over. Then he hoiked my skirt up, lobbed me on the bed and did the deed.

“It was all over in less than a minute, and it was nothing to write home about. He’s only got a button mushroom and a couple of sprouts down below so I was hardly blown away by the experience.

“It must have been when I popped to the bathroom that he shat in my handbag, because when I came back into the room he was sitting on the edge of the bed sniggering like a naughty child.

“I made my excuses and left, but in the elevator there was this sudden horrible stench all around me. Further investigation revealed that the Donald had indeed logged in to my handbag, so to speak, leaving me a whiffy yule type log as a souvenir. The dirty honking bastard.”

Donald "can you smell shit in here?' Trump. aka - the dirty honking bastard.

Donald “can you smell shit in here?’ Trump. aka – the dirty honking bastard.

Mrs Geldof insists that she isn’t a publicity seeker and that she has only released the details of her 1985 encounter with Trump in order to show the world the true nature of the strangely coiffured orange-skinned wannabe politician.

She also alluded to a kinky threesome she had with Nigel Farage and Dom, the posh boozer off Gogglebox but wouldn’t go into detail unless Cafe Spike stumped up more cash.

“If you’re a reporter and you’re listening to Velda, you’re wasting your time,” a nosy neighbour told our correspondent at the scene. “She’s a complete fantasist, always going on about the famous blokes she’s had. She’ll tell you anything. Everybody round here knows she’s off her nut.”

More as we get it.

MS

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Hairy man beaten up by migrants on stag night

Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

Mr Snell pictured leaving hospital in a wheelchair with his bruises still painfully evident.

This is the face of a hairy man who was beaten up by migrants on his stag night in a notorious East London no-go area for white Christian patriots. Alan Snell, 23 from Blackheath, south London was enjoying his last night of freedom until the point where he became separated from his chums and decided to pop into a takeaway shop in Brick Lane for a vegetable samosa.

Alan takes up the story:

“I’d got my samosas and was just about to bite into one when I found my way barred by three big black blokes. They said I shouldn’t be in Whitechapel because it’s a no-go area where white Christian patriots and Daily Express readers weren’t welcome. I tried to push past them but they set about me, punching me in the face and kicking me.

“I felt sick to my stomach being attacked in my own country by migrants and couldn’t understand why they were picking on me. They blacked my eyes and I had blood in my wee for three days. Thankfully they didn’t steal my phone or my wallet, but they completely ruined my Britain First jacket.

“I shan’t be going there again and that’s a fact. I’ve no idea why I was singled out. This is my country and if I decide to piss outside a mosque that’s my right as a patriotic British citizen. I didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of a good kicking by those three big black blokes.

“My fiancee, Jayda, was horrified when we had to postpone the wedding. Of course I’ll be having another stag night, but this time it’ll be in Alabama where big black blokes know their place.”

More as we get it.

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Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website www.cafespike.com today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski

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Woman attacked in broad daylight by sadistic migrant tattooists

Ms Folsom pictured today with her mental migrant eyebrows.

Ms Folsom pictured today with her mental migrant eyebrows.

Innocent shopper Abigail Folsom was recovering quietly at her home in Gorleston after being viciously attacked in broad daylight by a marauding gang of migrant tattooists. Ms Folsom had just left her local newsagent’s shop having purchased a copy of The Guardian, a can of Lilt and a Mars bar when the gang struck.

“They came out of nowhere,” Ms Folsom said. “They grabbed me and forced me into an alley where they strapped me to a chair and then one of them produced the tattoo gun. I was absolutely petrified.

“I tried to scream for help but one of them grunted something at me in foreign – Latvanian or something – and they tattooed these really crap Latvanian style eyebrows on me. Then they unstrapped me and ran off laughing like demented maniacs.

“I managed to stagger into a charity shop and the old dear in there sat me down and gave me a cup of tea and a mirror. That’s when I saw what the bastards had done to my eyebrows. I just cried and cried.

“I used to be quite ambivalent about migrants and voted to remain in the EU but now I hate the bastards and realise that I was just another PC leftard. From now on – after what those swines did to me – I’ll be buying the Daily Express every day and pushing for a second referendum so I can vote for a Brexit.

“I’ll never forgive those migrants for what they’ve done to me. A few days ago I’d have been able to pull Brad Pitt or George Clooney but with these eyebrows I’d struggle to pull even a frog faced fuckwit like Nigel Farage.

“My life is ruined. And migrants did it.”

More as we get it.

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Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins to present Great British Bake Off

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we've put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t'internet instead.

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we’ve put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t’internet instead.

The much loved former UKIP leader and the highly regarded Mail columnist are currently the favourites to take over presentation duties on GBBO following the show’s switch to Channel Four from its original BBC slot.

“Katie’s a natural choice for the slot,” a theatrical agent who insisted on anonymity told Cafe Spike. “Her appearances on This Morning alongside Holly Willoughby and Pip Schofield galvanised her reputation for representing ordinary people. She’s in tune with the common people, as she proved by filming herself getting shagged in a field by a pig herder.

“As for Nigel Farage – he’s just so charismatic and attractive that millions of formerly straight UKIP voters just want to be gay for a day and share a bed with him smoking fags, having sex and drinking Bombardier beer whilst slagging off foreigners and pretending not to be racist.

“Which doesn’t bode well for Nadia, but the bottom line is that Katie and Nigel know all there is to know about fruit cakes.”

More as we get it.

MS

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Hidden Netflix Gold Revealed – ‘Still Game’

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

If you’re a Netflix subscriber you already know that there are hidden gems to be found there, whatever your tastes – it’s just that sometimes people need to be nudged in the right direction in order to discover them. One such hidden gem which I stumbled upon recently is Still Game. If you’re a comedy connoisseur you need to check out Still Game as a matter of urgency.

The Netflix blurb does this fantastic sit-com no favours whatsoever, describing it in simplistic terms as the exploits of two Glaswegian pensioner pals, Jack and Victor. It’s a description that barely scratches the surface.

Jack and Victor live in Craiglang, a council estate in inner city Glasgow and spend much of their time in a schemie pub, The Clansman, jousting with Bobby the barman along with their pals, Winston and Tam. Pipe smoking Jack buys his tobacco from Navid’s mini-mart, where local gossip Isa scrubs the floors with little regard for Navid’s constant sniping at his “fat cow” of a wife Mina, or with Mina’s acerbic remarks in retaliation.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

We can say here without spoiling anything for potential viewers that the boys’ encounters with neds (non-educated delinquents) officialdom, women, devil dogs, further education, hospital radio, the fast food business, DIY, motoring and pleasure cruising are an absolute delight.

Originally only broadcast in Scotland, Still Game is highly regarded by the comedy cogniscienti and with five series available on Netflix there’s plenty to get your teeth into, with a new series in the making according to reliable sources.

Oh, and don’t be put off by middle Englander wankers who couldn’t understand the accents in Rab C Nesbitt and various other Scottish productions, because Still Game makes Glaswegian sexy and it’s easy to follow.

Although it’s not advisable to greet everyone you meet with: “Hello there ya prick!”

Tempting – yes. Advisable – no.

Ted Pemberton

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Man Who Bathed In Baked Beans gets hardly any views on You Tube

Mr Glanville pictured last month in training.

Mr Glanville pictured last month in training.

A Clacton man who planned to break the internet with a viral You Tube video of himself plunging into a bathtub filled with baked beans has been left shaken and disillusioned following a lacklustre response from internet users.

“I thought it was a cracking idea,” said Terry Glanville, 36. “I really thought it would go viral and get me a sponsorship deal to do bonkers things on You Tube but it’s only had about 23 views so far. It seems only my family are interested in my crazy antics. Obviously I got it wrong so I’m going to have a rethink. It’s either that or I’ll have to get off my arse and get a proper job.”

Industry experts appeared to agree that taking a bath in baked beans isn’t likely to break the internet because it’s so last century.

“Bathing in baked beans is no big deal,” Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University said today. “It’s quite tame really. I mean, only last week there was a bloke who had a bath in hot chilli sauce, a bloke riding a bike off a cliff, some woman getting her arm ripped off by a bear and even a bloke in a wing suit who crashed and died in real time on Facebook.Taking a bath in baked beans is quite tame really – unless the beans are piping hot, or set on fire or something.”

“How about if I pour a bucket of freezing cold water over my head?” Mr Glanville suggested.

“We’ll be in touch…” said Professor Mist, shaking his head.

More as we get it.

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Can YOU spot TV Chef James Martin hiding in these pizzas?

Is he there? Is he balls...

Is he there? Is he balls…

Following in the magnificent tradition of crap news websites like the Mail and the Express we thought we’d give our readers a really stupid and pointless ‘can you spot’ the whatever the fuck it may be feature.

So can you spot TV chef James Martin hiding amongst these really shite drawings of pizzas?

We couldn’t.

Probably because he isn’t even in the bloody stupid drawing in the first place.

Go back to Saturday Kitchen James. You know it makes sense.

Carry on.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Daily Express Wins Award For Impartial And Honest Journalism

A Delirious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

A Delirious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

Daily Express newspaper reporters celebrated winning the Richard Desmond Award last night at a prestigious dinner held at the Royal Victoria Hotel in Hastings. The award was presented by a man dressed as a dalek standing in for Nigel Farage – who chickened out of presenting the award at the last minute citing a stream of death threats as the reason for his non-appearance.

Collecting the award on behalf of the DE team, respected meteorological journalist Nathan Rao won a standing ovation from the carefully selected audience as he explained that he’d laid his life on the line attending the dinner and that it was probably by some fluke that he’d avoided the blood moon, the hurricane, the eight feet of snow, the tsunami and the volcanic eruption he’d predicted for the Hastings area that evening.

The DE’s Political Editor Martin Goebbels – who has never been invited to appear on Sky News’s Press Review – commented:

“This award recognises the Daily Express’s commitment to quality journalistic practices, such as the tireless Brexit campaign, the war on migrants, the demonisation of all things Islamic and the excremental warfare campaign against single mothers, the unemployed and benefit scroungers. Our journalism is fearless and crusading – we aren’t afraid to tell the truth about the new world order, the pending alien invasion, divine revelations in slices of toast, chemtrails, the faked moon landing and the murderous tide of psychopathic migrant bastard scum swarming our shores like vermin. I feel really proud to be an employee of the patriotic and impartial information outlet that is the Daily Express. And yes, I really do hate migrants and wogs and anybody who isn’t white – but at least I’m honest about it.”

“It’s no surprise to me that the Daily Express swept the board and won every award,” said Hastings resident Nigel Cutting. “Given that Richard Desmond owns the Daily Express and that they were the only media source invited to the event. Personally I wouldn’t wipe my arse on it, let alone shell out hard earned cash for it.”

More as we get it.

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Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for cafespike.com

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