Apple MacBook Pro a massive disappointment says local man

Shuttlecock - still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Shuttlecock – still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who invested in a state of the art Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer some time ago has declared that his investment has given him little more than massive disappointment.

“My Apple MacBook pro laptop computer has been a massive disappointment to be honest with you,” said Shuttlecock, who found his Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer to be a massive disappointment according to reports. “I was expecting a whole new world of information technology and online entertainment to open up before me and it simply didn’t happen.

“Once I’d plugged it in and got it up and running it proved to be no better than my old Dell laptop, the one covered in fag ash and beer spillage.

“I was expecting a dramatic improvement in my Facebook page, but it was just the same old shite as usual, and even on my Apple MacBook Pro laptop the Express comments sections are still frequented by the same depressing nutters, as is the Mail online, which contains exactly the same bullshit as it did on the old Dell laptop. I really do think Apple need to up their game if they’re going to be competitive and justify charging extortionate prices for hardware that just spews out the same old crap day after day.

“I even looked at my own website, and it was just as crap as it was on the old fag burn scarred Dell.

“And still nobody likes or shares our stuff. If you ask me, I’d say Apple need to sort their act out.

“This MacBook Pro has just been a massive disappointment.”

More as we get it.

* Next week – Shuttlecock reveals why his new LG HD 3D TV is a massive disappointment because there’s fuck all on it worth watching.


Leaked pic DOES NOT show Nigel Farage performing gay sex act

Nigel Farage - not really gagging for it.

Nigel Farage – not really gagging for it.

A leaked photograph of what appears to be Nigel Farage performing a gay sex act isn’t all that it appears to be, Cafe Spike’s science correspondent Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stated with a degree of confidence today, although the picture has been independently verified as being ‘untampered with and displayed in its original form,’ albeit completely out of context.

The picture, which has appeared on several US websites claiming that it depicts Nigel Farage about to perform a sex act upon US Presidential contender Donald Trump has caused shockwaves throughout the world, particularly among the LGBT community, who find it utterly incomprehensible why anyone in their right mind would want to suck off Donald Trump.

“There’s no disputing that it’s Nigel Farage in the photograph,” explained Professor Mist. “But it definitely isn’t Donald Trump’s cock hovering around Nigel’s mouth. The picture obviously depicts somebody’s finger, attached to a hand in the foreground with Nigel Farage in the background. Somebody has just trimmed and rotated the picture to make it look like something it really isn’t. I’m no fan of Nigel Farage but this is really trawling the depths of depravity.”

Although the image has been proven to be a gross and perverted interpretation of reality, 98% of male Daily Express comments section users said that they would perform oral sex on Nigel Farage or Donald Trump “if it was interpreted as an act of heroic patriotism,” 84% said they’d do them both, and 79% said they’d take one for the team.

But not in a gay way.


More as we get it.


Travellers Didn’t Want To Stop At Fareham

Fareham - world leader in mobile technology and human rights.

Fareham – world leader in mobile technology, charity shops and human rights.

A group of travellers basing themselves temporarily at Locks Heath, near Fareham in Hampshire have apologised for any inconvenience caused to outraged local residents by explaining that Fareham wasn’t on their original itinerary and that they had been forced by unforeseen circumstances to make an emergency stopover.

“Two of our vehicles were beset by mechanical problems,” a spokesman for the travellers told The Nose. “So unfortunately we had to pull in by Locks Heath shopping centre. I say unfortunately, because whereby many local councils make provisions for travellers – such as running water and waste disposal facilities – Fareham Borough Council doesn’t. They don’t want us here and quite frankly we don’t want to be here either. But in an emergency, what can you do?”

Fareham resident Jim Soothill complained to neighbours that the travellers would soon be breaking into houses and stealing pet dogs unless people were exceptionally vigilant. Adding that womenfolk wouldn’t be safe from unwanted attention either.

“I expect the locals will be locking their doors and windows tonight,” the travellers spokesman added. “Not to mention their dogs and their daughters. It’s all a bit of a nonsense really, and quite hypocritical considering that the locals continually vote for an MP and a council who rob them blind on a daily basis. Believe me, we’ll be leaving ASAP before the locals mob up on us bearing flaming torches and set us all on fire. Like in that Frankenstein film.”

Cafe Spike approached Jim Soothill for further comment but he was otherwise engaged in handing out portions of home made lardy cake and igniting petrol soaked torches with a World War II issue Zippo lighter.

Reliable sources report that a prominent member of Fareham Borough Council, known locally as The Fat Controller was last seen scrambling aboard his WWII Spitfire fighter in order to undertake low level strafing runs against the invaders.

Locks Heath resident, Hazel Goodyear, 67, a spinster told us:

“I’ll be having an early night tonight. I’ve been warned about rapists on the prowl so I’ll be leaving the bedroom window open just in case.”

More as we get it.


World Hide And Seek Champion Still Missing

They seek him here...they seek him there...

They seek him here…they seek him there…can you see him?

The world ‘hide and seek’ champion, Pierre ‘La Bouche’ Parmesan, a former native of the Paris suburb of St Denis is still missing according to Interpol.

Parmesan was last seen contesting the World Hide and Seek Championships in Barcelona, Spain, in 1992.

“I closed my eyes and counted to a hundred before opening them again, but Parmesan had vanished,” Parmesan’s opponent in the championships that fateful day – Jordi Caballe of Barcelona told reporters yesterday. “After a couple of hours of seeking I gave up and went home for my supper.

“I’d forgotten all about it until the police knocked on my door this morning and asked if I’d seen Pierre. When I told them I hadn’t they told me he’s been missing since 1992 – I was speechless.”

“We’re not going looking for him,” said Barcelona police chief Carlos Guardiola. “When it comes to hide and seek the guy is world class. We wouldn’t stand a chance.”

Parmesan’s wife, Juliette appealed to any member of the public who may by chance encounter Pierre to tell him to go home because his tea’s ready again.

More as we get it.



Thousands March In Protest Against Protest Marches

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Even bovines joined in, leaving the route spattered in absolute bullshit.

Thousands took to the streets of London today to march in protest against protest marches.

“We’re getting to be as daft as the French,” protester Albert Trundle explained. “They take to the streets at the drop of a hat and now we seem to be following suit. I’m sick to death of protest marches, which is why I’m marching here today. I want them banned for the simple reason that they serve no purpose whatsoever.”

The march set off from Trafalgar Square and culminated in a mass rally at Parliament Square where the assembled crowd was addressed by a number of speakers, including 80’s pop music ensemble Bananarama, Timmy Mallet, Christopher Biggins and actress Nicole Kidman.

“I don’t know why I’m here really,” Ms Kidman announced to the crowd. “Although I am totally committed to the cause, it has nothing whatsoever to do with me. I don’t even live here.”

More as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock for


Yorkshire chips n gravy campaigner Ken Mither to join Cafe Spike

Proper chips, pictured wi gravy.

Proper chips, pictured wi gravy.

It’s been a case of hard times here at Cafe Spike recently as almost our entire writing team have gone either absent without leave or lobbed in a sick note, so we’re delighted to announce the signing of legendary Yorkshire chips n gravy campaigner Ken Mither to the team.

Known for his typically dry Yorkshire wit 69 year old Ken is a fanatical promoter of ‘proper gravy’ – especially with chips – having spearheaded the 2012 campaign for chips to be served with gravy after being repeatedly served chips “as dry as chaff” in the south of England.

“Tha can’t beat proper gravy,” Ken told us. “It goes well wi’ just about owt. An’ I’ve seen it as my mission to spread the gravy gospel – especially to them Philistines dahn south. Tha can’t have dry chips. They don’t even serve proper mushy peas dahn south. They have what they call ‘pea fritters’ – which is like a ball o’ peas. It’s indecent.

“I’ll be spreading’ the gospel o’ proper gravy here on Cafe Spike. And mushy peas. And probably beetroot too – although I don’t much care for beetroot really but it was written into the contract. I expect I’ll talk abaht other stuff too. If I can be arsed.”



Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.



Spurned Husband Gives Love Rival Dirty Look

A happily married couple pictured in 1970's Torquay

A happily married couple pictured in 1970’s Torquay

Spurned husband, Julian Whiterock – who has been accused by his soon to be ex-wife, Jane Whiterock of being boorish, self centred, controlling, obsessive, slightly psychopathic, megalomaniacal and sexually deviant – got one over on his love rival by giving him a dirty look upon encountering him in the sliced bread aisle of a local supermarket.

The Whiterocks, who are in the process of divorcing since Julian’s behaviour became impossible to tolerate face a difficult situation, given that Jane has started seeing another man.

“I’m not having it,” Julian raged at the wet fish counter. “She married me for richer, for poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health and that’s how things are and always will be. I know it’s rather unusual having a love triangle showdown in a supermarket but when I saw my wife with that man in the bread aisle something inside me snapped, and I gave him the dirtiest of dirty looks. This isn’t over yet, believe me.”

Jane Whiterock countered that Julian had treated her like shit for the most part of their marriage and that he’d refused to respond to counselling, or to change his ways.

“So what?” Julian fumed. “I’m the man of the house aren’t I? AND THAT is why I gave him the dirty look. Quite frankly he deserves it.”

The ‘other man’ in the tormented love triangle, Stephen Richardson reported that he hadn’t even noticed that Julian Whiterock was simultaneously shopping in the same supermarket, and claimed not to have noticed either Julian or the reported dirty look.

“I didn’t even notice that Julian was there,” said Stephen Richardson, the ‘other man.’ “And I don’t mean to appear rude but we’ll be approaching the checkout soon and I want to get some Belgian buns, a Ben and Jerry’s, an Eton Mess and a bottle of Courvoisier for Jane for when we spend Saturday night in watching a movie. She likes stuff like that. Toodle pip.”

“Don’t think you’ve heard the last of this,” Julian seethed at the checkout. “I’ve just bought her a foot spa, three cans of deodorant, a packet of corn plasters and a cook book by Rick Stein. There’s only ever going to be one winner in this love triangle. You’ll see.”

*Renowned TV chef Rick Stein was unavailable for comment but witnesses reported seeing Jane Whiterock leaving the supermarket carpark accompanied by Stephen Richardson in a Volkswagen Golf at roughly the same time Julian Whiterock crashed his BMW into a petrol pump.

If it’s any consolation we don’t know what any of this means either.

Cafe Spike.


Paul Golding and the protest that wasn’t.

Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen pictured storming a mosque somewhere in Yorkshire

Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen pictured storming a mosque somewhere in Yorkshire.

Widely condemned by the media for turning his back on Sadiq Khan’s London mayoral acceptance speech, Britain First’s leader Paul Golding was keeping a low profile today – but is Golding really a racist? And was his back turning gesture really a protest? Behavioural expert and prominent psychologist Professor Alfred Epstein is convinced there’s a simple explanation for Golding’s bizarre behaviour.

“I’ve studied the tapes and can only conclude that Golding was distracted,” wrote Professor Epstein in the London Journal of Psychology. “There’s a point where – as Sadiq Khan approaches the microphone – an expression of surprise crosses Golding’s face. Something has obviously startled him and distracted him from the main event. My guess is that he saw a squirrel or something similar larking about in a tree outside.

“We know from his history that Golding is a racist – although he denies it – but I’m convinced that the back turning episode wasn’t racially motivated. He lacks the intelligence for starters, which explains his “Ooh look! A squirrel!” moment. There’s no doubt that the gesture will have been seen and misconstrued by right wing nutters as a gesture of defiance, some form of misguided patriotic protest by a devout Christian soldier “defending our cultural heritage” or some such twaddle.

“It wasn’t. He’d spotted a squirrel. That’s all.

“Either way you care to look at it he comes out of this looking a right bellend.”



Daily Express BLASTED Because It’s SHIT!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock today BLASTED the DAILY EXPRESS for BEING SHIT and went on to SLAM its editorial policy, it’s online censorship and THE CUNTS who write in the comments section.

“Everything they put out seems to be scaremongering about migrants,” Shuttlecock said. “And quite frankly it makes my blood boil. “The scumbags who committed these atrocities in Europe weren’t migrants – they were home grown, alienated jihadists who thought of themselves as outsiders. Precisely because of attitudes like those showcased by the DAILY EXPRESS – who spread panic. Scare ordinary gullible people. What a bunch of arseholes.

“Not long ago they were blaming single mums for the ills of the nation – the migrant crisis must have been like manna from heaven for these pricks. In my opinion they should be allowed to carry on peddling their poison freely, but condemned by all decent people for being A BUNCH OF CUNTS. Led by an even bigger SELF-SERVING CUNT.

“They stopped me from commenting on their website after complaints from their PARANOID readership and my refusal to play their ridiculous game. I TOLD THEM TO STICK THEIR WEBSITE UP THEIR ARSE.

“Funny thing is – its cerebrally challenged readers seem to think I still pass comment on there because other individuals find their views equally abhorrent. I don’t, because it’s a waste of time and energy and I don’t have the time for that shit.

“It was fun for a while winding up the terminally deranged, and it’s good to see other sensible people taking up the mantle, but I’m done.

“If I had to equate the DAILY EXPRESS with anything, it would probably be a slimy turd eating an even slimier yet horrendously greenmouldy turd.

“Like the site users who comment there. Sick Nazi bastards.

“But that’s just my opinion.”

More as we get it.