Daily Express issues severe UK weather warning

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Whatever your thoughts on the Daily Express (probably that it’s a right wing, xenophobic, racist, Brexit and UKIP supporting arse-wipe of a rag lapped up by raving nutters and conspiracy theorists) there’s no denying that its completely misguided weather reportage makes an amusing break from the constant barrage of anti-migrant propaganda and benefit cheat bullshit.

According to the Express’s ‘ace’ weather reporter, Nathan Rao, we’re all seriously doomed, even at the best of times.

What’s particularly alarming about this is that Mr Rao apparently gets paid for his completely twattish forecasts, because even the idiots who read the Express think he’s a bit of a Canute.

Which is quite some feat when you come to think of it. Even people who believe that there were no planes involved on 9/11, that the moon landings were staged, that the Columbine shooting horror was a “false flag” event, that “the elites” are plotting to flood Europe with Islamic fanatics in order to destroy European culture and that Hillary Clinton is a lizard – even these idiots don’t buy the Express’s weather articles.

The latest of which states with confidence: “COLD WEATHER SHOCK: Temperatures to plunge THIS weekend as Winter arrives early in Britain.”

So that’s that sorted. We’re all doomed. Again. As confirmed by this from the Express comments section:

*AmberDudd!
Lets hope its very ‘Choppy’ and Freezing in the Channel! Kill of most of the ‘RapeFugees’ and S C U M before they get to a Dinghy or a Lorry!*

Express readers eh?

Every one a Canute.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com.

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Mississippi Republican thought Nigel Farage was an alien

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

An alien pictured waving a small flag last week.

When Nigel Farage appeared on stage with Donald Trump recently in Mississippi many attendees were somewhat confused regarding exactly who Nigel Farage is and what on earth is his relevance to the US presidential campaign.

It seems many got the wrong end of the stick.

“He’s some kind of alien ambassador to planet earth ain’t he?” said staunch Republican Jerry Klugelheimer III. “They told us we’d be making contact this year with the aliens, and he’s the alien, right?”

When our reporter corrected Mr Klugelheimer and explained that Nigel Farage is in fact the outgoing leader of UKIP and a leading Brexit campaigner he scratched his head, frowned and said:

“Well I’ll be damned. I would have sworn he’s an alien. He looks like a goddamned alien, he talks like a goddamned alien…wow. I can’t wrap my head around this. I have no clue what the hell UKIP or Brexit is but if that guy is human he’s one pug ugly little pipsqueak.”

“I can’t understand why Trump had him up there,” said Republican voter Dolores Saskwatch. “He reminds me of Hitler – all that hand waving and aggressive talk makes him come across as a nasty little man. I think Trump should dump him immediately – the Trump campaign doesn’t want to be associated with extremist right wing politics.”

Hmmm…

More as we get it.

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Burnley Borough Council Bans Happy Hours

Happy hour revellers in the Bull's Nut, Burnley yesterday.

Happy hour revellers in the Bull’s Nut, Burnley yesterday.

In a landmark ruling, Burnley Borough Council has banned happy hours in the town’s pubs and clubs based on the disputed claim that happy hour patrons tend to overindulge in cut price drinks and end up knocking seven bells out of each other.

“Happy hours are an honourable idea,” said Councillor Alf Roberts. “But here in Burnley they inevitably result in bouts of booze fuelled violence which results in a massive strain on local resources. The people just can’t be trusted once they’ve got a few beers under their belts. The sad reality is that Burnley folk are as mental as anything when they’re sober, in drink they’re even worse and it does nothing for the town’s reputation. It’s reached a point where innocent people are getting their heads kicked in just for being anywhere near a pub. It’s unacceptable – it’s a sin and a bloody shame that people can’t enjoy a relaxing drink without fear of getting battered from arsehole to breakfast time.”

“I think the ban is a great idea,” said A&E nurse Annie Wilkes. “I’m sick and tired of patching up drunken brawlers. I’m tempted to jack it all in and move somewhere in the world where I can get a bit of peace and quiet. Like Syria, or Afghanistan or something.”

Local Burnley hard man Jimmy Proctor was unavailable for comment as he was otherwise occupied repeatedly smashing a Blackburn man’s face into a fruit machine.

More as we get it.

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Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. CafeSpike.com proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.

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Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.

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Barking Mad Murphy Makes Sense Of The Mad World We Live In

Eggs in gravy - that's mad.

Eggs in gravy – that’s mad.

It’s a mad world, isn’t it? Victor Frankenstein – he was mad. The Mad Hatter too. So what’s going on? Is there a difference between being mad and being angry? Who knows? But I’ll make sense of it all. Robert DeNiro was a bit of both in that film, Cape Fear. He was mad and he was angry. Having said that, the film wasn’t all that good.

Like the world. It turns. Like milk if you leave it out of the fridge on a hot day. Or month old bread. It’s weird really.

England used to be mad, but not as mad as it once was, when it was completely mad. Now it’s a bit angry and a bit mad. But you know what really pisses me off? People who can’t decide if they’re mad or they’re angry. Those people need to sort themselves out. Make their minds up one way or the other.

Politics is a good example of madness, because it makes people angry.

But the crux of the matter comes when angry people go mad, or mad people get angry. That’s just a recipe for disaster.

Think on.

Barking Mad Murphy

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Goodbye My England

Are we mental?

Are we mental?

If there’s one thing that the EU referendum has taught me, it’s that the England, the Britain I know and love is lost. Waking up and going to work on a beautiful summer morning something fundamentally changed. We elected democratically to leave the European Union – there’s no arguing with the democratic process – the collective will of the people should always be respected.

Our Prime Minister resigned – no sad loss in my book because Mr Cameron is the worst Prime Minister ever and has been a monumental flop, along with his cohorts, Gideon Osborne and Michael Gove – but on a broader scale it’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Good riddance to Cameron, Osborne and their ilk.

But there will be a price to pay. As a net contributor to the EU, the remaining countries aren’t going to take this lying down. There will be repercussions. Whether it will all be storm in a teacup or whether it will be a cataclysmic event remains to be seen.

Whatever – the England and Britain that I’ve always loved and felt proud of has become a significantly different animal. We aren’t a united country any more. Like America we’ve become obsessed by greed and personal advancement and to hell with others.

That isn’t my England. My England and my ancestors fought for freedom and equality. Our ancestors laid down their lives so we can live free, and we’ve kicked them square in the face by turning on their sacrifices.

Is this what those people died for? A self obsessed racist xenophobic nation who detest the victims of war and conflict that we were instrumental in creating?

Pull up the ladder, I’m all right Jack.

That isn’t my England.

I’ll be applying for my Irish citizenship and leaving this nest of vipers.

I’m out of here.

You can have your Boris Johnson and your Nigel Farage and your consecutive Conservative governments who will – as they are doing at this moment – strip you of your humanity and dignity.

It’s game over for England. The Brexiters have their wish and they don’t seem to have a clue how to deal with it.

Where will it all end?

I’m not planning on seeing where it goes. I loved my England, my Britain, loved it with all my heart, but no more.

Take it – you’re welcome to whatever’s left.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

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What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski

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Nigel Farage is a fetishist who wears his wife’s lingerie

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife's panties.

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife’s panties.

He may look like a bullfrog with his big mouth and his patronisingly idiotic grin but there’s more to UKIP leader Nigel Farage than meets the eye, for underneath those daft suits, velvet collared crombie coats and mustard coloured corduroy trousers (hence the term “Mustard Pants”) Nigel Farage hides a dirty secret.

For underneath that thin veneer of city gent respectability, Nigel Farage is wearing his wife’s knickers, suspender belt and black fishnet stockings.

So says Theresa Florentine, a freelance journalist from Aston, who claims Farage admitted his kinky secret during a drinking binge in a Brussels gay bar, just a stone’s throw away from the EU Headquarters where Farage – who claims to understand the fishing business – can hardly ever be arsed to attend policy setting meetings on behalf of the brave members of Britain’s fishing fleet.

When pressed further, Ms Florentine stated categorically that it was “without any shadow of a doubt” Nigel Farage who made the stunning confession.

“He was as pissed as a fart and he just blurted it out,” she said. “At least I think it was Nigel Farage – it could have been anybody really because I was a bit plastered myslef – but sod it. There’s been so much scaremongering and bullshit flying around over this referendum bollocks that I thought the British public deserve to know what Nigel Farage is really like. If it wasn’t him I apologise unreservedly, but let’s face it – the man’s a cunt anyway. All he ever does is prey on people’s fears by demonising migrants. Where’s your tax return then Nigel, you mustard panted prick? Eh? Eh?”

At which point we terminated the interview as Ms Florentine collapsed in a heap and banged her head on a table.

Cafe Spike – bringing you the true face of this bollocks referendum.

Whose round is it?

More as we get it.

MS.

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Boris Johnson Battered By Nicola Sturgeon In ITV Debate

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

Former London Mayor and Prime Ministerial candidate Boris Johnson has been exposed as a self serving Old Etonian wanker by SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon. Most people are apparently aware that Boris is an absolute tit, and those who think as much had their thoughts confirmed as the Old Etonian shitbag launched into a personal tirade against the SNP leader – before then accusing the remain side of the panel on ITV’s EU Debate show of the very thing he’d initiated.

Regardless of personal opinion there can be little doubt that Boris Johnson is an entirely self-serving egomaniac who is prepared to stab his best mate in the back in order to get what he wants.

Johnson is certainly no fan of the man in the street or of the NHS – as Nicola Sturgeon pointed out so patiently and eloquently by highlighting Boris’s hostility to workers and women’s rights.

If leave are going to persuade people to go along with them they’re going to need a more effective spokesman than Johnson.

Shouting louder than anyone else and blind bluster isn’t all that convincing.

Would you want to trust this man in number ten?

Because that’s all he’s interested in.

MS for Cafe Spike

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