Titchfield Mayor says he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Mayor Slade airing his gonads earlier today.

Titchfield’s controversial Mayor, Barry Slade today appeared to back down from his earlier announcement banning all Park Gate residents from entering the village by saying that he isn’t banning ALL Park Gaters – just the ones he doesn’t like.

“Once again I have been misunderstood, clearly misquoted and misconstrued. Largely, bigly, yugely,” Mayor Slade said today. “Oh yes. Misunderstood. Always happens, happens all the time…yes.

“I haven’t banned ALL Park Gaters from the village. I never exactly said that, never said I was banning all of them. Not all of them; I’ve been misrepresented by these, these fake media reports. What I said wasn’t what I meant. Not what I meant at all.

“I’m just banning the ones I don’t like, those I don’t get along with. Like that crook of an accountant who once ripped me off. Him and some others. I’ll make an announcement after my next announcement, which isn’t about the ban, but about something else entirely. Oh yes. But I’ll get the job done, you can rest assured of that. The job will be done. Whether people like it or not.”

More on this as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Ten Christmas TV Specials We’d Love To See

It's Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch 'The Evil Dead.'

It’s Christmas Day and this family are settling down in front of the TV to watch ‘The Evil Dead.’

Strictly Not Dancing – Ten couples who all have two left feet flatly refuse to dance and prop up the bar despite being cajoled by a panel of judges possibly including Jeremy Clarkson, Holly Willoughby, Donald Trump, Nicole Scherzinger and a meerkat out of the Compare The Market ads.

Gogglebox Watch – Drunk people eating massive takeaways are filmed watching and reacting to Gogglebox on the telly, saying how they either like or dislike the Gogglebox regulars and revealing which ones get right up their noses. [Read more…]

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Triumphs of Marketing – Love Potion Number 9

Love Potion Number 9 - It might be beetroot juice...

Love Potion Number 9 – It might be beetroot juice…

So there you are with your new date, the lights are low, music is playing softly in the background, you’ve showered, made sure that your underwear isn’t falling apart and any unsightly sprouting pubic hair has been dealt with. The only thing remaining to do is to seduce your partner into playing ‘Hide the Sausage’. Alas good manners dictate that you can’t come straight out with a crude statement of intent (Unless you live in Cardiff of course) so to make sure that your hoped for nocturnal gymnastics take place you have prepared some ‘Luuurrrrve-food’.

“Have some asparagus,” you say coaxingly. “I’ve rubbed some garlic on it.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, everything really, not least that your partner who was previously quite keen on you is now confronted with a glint-eyed lunatic who is trying to force-feed them vegetables. It’s not the time and place you see. In fact the time and the place when asparagus innuendo might have worked was England in the 17th century, whereas today Champagne and chocolates would be much more likely to get the pair of you uninhibitedly swapping body fluids.

This is because chocolate is seen in western society to be a mild aphrodisiac, although there is actually no evidence that chocolate physically makes people feel any sexier – what happens is that the idea of chocolate being an aphrodisiac convinces people that it is. It’s a classic case of mind over matter, and this trick of the mind where something works because you think that it will has been going on for at least the last 2,000 years.

"So he gives me some asparagus wiv garlic on it and I'm like: ARE YOU YOUR NUT MATE? Sheesh..."

“So he gives me some asparagus wiv garlic on it and I’m like: ARE YOU OFF YOUR NUT MATE? Sheesh…”

Avocado was the Viagra of the Aztecs who rather charmingly called the tree that it grew on ‘The Testicle Tree’. And avocado remained so entwined with cardinal sin that it was later banned in Spain during the middle ages for being too obcene. Other foods thought to have the ‘it’ factor in the past include cherries, bananas (well they would, wouldn’t they) brazil nuts, almonds, lettuce, figs, ginger and oysters.

Now sex sells, and getting your food product to be thought of as an aid to getting laid is pretty much the marketing executive’s holy grail. The problem of course is that you can’t claim that it works when patently it doesn’t.

However at least two companies have managed it.

The first is the brewer Guinness, whose bottled beer is thought in parts of Africa to give a feeling of sexiness to women and virility to men. How this idea came about is unknown, but as someone who enjoys their product I can state that it works quite well providing that both partners have drunk enough of the stuff and not fallen asleep or been arrested before they’ve found an accommodating bus shelter.

As an aside White Lightning cider works just as well and is less than half the price.

The second product that has gained the unlikely tag of ‘Lover’s munchies’ is M&Ms – but only the green ones. This appears to be an urban myth that started in America in the 1970s. Each different coloured candy was given a different property by bored university students that were too poor or cautious to buy drugs. Thus orange gave good luck, brown gave bad luck, red made you hyper and green made you horny.

Mars, the company that produces M&Ms has prudently stated on a regular basis that “It cannot explain any extraordinary ‘powers’ attributed to (green M&Ms), either scientifically or medically” which is pretty smart as it not only prevents them being sued but also keeps the myth going in the public domain, and just to help it along a bit they ran a marketing campaign in 2001 with the tag “What is it about the green ones” and in 2008 produced all-green packets of M&Ms for Valentines day. Still if you think it works, then it may well do so.

So forget about the asparagus in garlic, just help yourself to some M&Ms Babe. Oh look, there’s only green ones left.

Gary Moore

*Gary is the Editor of The Dorking Review, which is a book you can get from Amazon and Barnes & Noble online. A follow up to the book was planned but the artist went missing or something equally sinister. Apart from that, Gary is a man of mystery but in fairness he does stand his corner at the pub.

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Where’s your poppy Farage?

You forgot the poppy - dickhead!

You forgot the poppy – dickhead!

It seems that Nigel Farage – the thinking man’s patriot – made a monumental cock up as he blagged his way into a meeting with US President-Elect Donald Trump, by forgetting to sport a poppy on remembrance day.

Whilst those who Farage and his followers refer to as ‘traitors,’ ‘the elite,’ ‘lefty luvvies’ and ‘cultural Marxists,’ such as Cameron, Blair, Corbyn and millions of ordinary Britons proudly sported the poppy as a symbol of remembrance, respect and gratitude, it would appear that Farage couldn’t be arsed with any of that patriotic bollocks because he was too busy brown nosing the first orange skinned president in US history.

It appears that the man of the people is more interested in schlepping around trying to line his own poxy pockets than in paying respect to the war dead.

More of a loathsome horrible little self-serving prick than a patriot then.

But then we always knew that.

MS for cafespike.com

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DON’T PANIC! DON’T…ERR…PANIC!!!

Do I look like I'm panicking?

Do I look like I’m panicking?

When Donald Trump was asked some time ago whether he’d ever consider entering the political arena, he responded that he had no particular political aspirations, but added that if he had he’d run on a Republican ticket, because Republicans are so self absorbed that they’ll swallow any old crap providing you tell them what they want to hear. [Read more…]

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Japanese student sucked down creep’s toilet

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The offending toilet, which neighbours described as a shit hole.

The mystery disappearance of a female Japanese student has finally been explained by her landlord, who neighbours and fellow tenants described as a ‘creep.’

19 year old Sukira Yamamoto, a student from Yokohama disappeared last year during a Halloween party at her flat in Worthing and despite an intensive international police investigation there were no obvious conclusions to be drawn for seasoned investigators.

Until now.

Ms Yamamoto’s landlord, Christopher Cummings provided the solution when he expounded the theory that Ms Yamamoto had been sucked down the toilet by “a person or entity hitherto unknown.”

“It’s the only plausible explanation I can think of,” Cummings told investigating officers. “It was an otherwise normal Halloween party, with guests in fancy dress getting drunk and high. Sukira went to the toilet and that was the last we saw of her. The only explanation I can come up with is that someone or something sucked her down the toilet for reasons we may never know.

“What I’m absolutely sure of is that I certainly did not follow her to the bathroom, choke her to death with electrical cord, haul her body back to my flat, keep it in the bathtub until later, perform a series of shockingly depraved sexual acts upon her corpse and then freeze it in a chest freezer in the garage before putting the frozen remains through a wood-chipper in the dead of night. That would just be weird. She definitely got sucked down the bog and that’s all there is to it.”

“To be honest with you we were at a loss as to what fate might have befallen Ms Yamamoto,” Inspector George ‘Nipper’ Crabbe of Sussex Police told us. “But with Mr Cummings’ statement all becomes abundantly clear. She was obviously sucked down the shitter by somebody, so we’ll be having a look down the sewers to see if we can find further clues. We’re grateful to Mr Cummings for his input – even though he is a bit of a weirdo who’s on the sex offenders register. His collection of bloodstained lingerie provided some much needed light relief for investigating officers. As far as we’re concerned it’s case closed.”

Ms Yamamoto became the 19th tenant of Mr Cummings to disappear over the last three years.

“That’s a bit weird,” admitted Inspector Crabbe. “But we’re not reading too much into it at this point.”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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Murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith lies through his teeth about Ken Loach’s ‘I Daniel Blake’ film

Lest we forget - wanted for murder.

Lest we forget – wanted for murder.

The CV doctoring expense, claiming, murdering former Minister for Work and Pensions has said that parts of Ken Loach’s film ‘I Daniel Blake’  are “simply not true.”

The film covers the shocking treatment meted out by the DWP under IDS’s regime to a carpenter and heart attack survivor, Daniel Blake. IDS counters that job centre staff are there to help people and claims that the film depicts them in a bad light.

You’re talking bollocks Mr Smith. And furthermore you were well aware that the policy imposed by your department upon benefit claimants – particularly the sick and disabled – were deliberately contrived in order to humiliate and diminish the sick. You were well aware of the devastating effect you had on the lives of tens of thousands of sick people; and if that isn’t the case then why did you try to hide the statistics of people who were sanctioned and subsequently died, either by circumstance or desperation by suicide?

And you resigned on a point of humanitarian principle?

Don’t make me fucking laugh you sick privileged fuckwit.

You were directly responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people, as surely as if you had held a loaded pistol to their heads and pulled the trigger.

I am Daniel Blake and your day of reckoning is long overdue.

In simple terms – you are a murderer.

Martin Shuttlecock

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UKIP to offer EXPRESS readers FREE online remedial ENGLISH lessons

Dear Niggle - ah fink yew are..."

Dear Niggle – ah fink yew are…”

Reports are suggesting that UKIP are set to roll out a programme of free online remedial English lessons for its members who comment on the DAILY EXPRESS website after a study found that 99.7% of kipper comments were “frankly quite fucking embarrassing,” according to an insider.

“No wonder the public at large think UKIP members are as thick as bollocks,” said UKIP representative Paul Nutter. “I’m all in favour of taking our country back – but not for these fucking idiots. They’re an embarrassment. They don’t even seem to have a grasp of the basics, like punctuation and when to use capitals, and when it comes to the difference between there, their and they’re – they’re fucking clueless.

“They’re the same with your and you’re. And let me tell you I’ve wept tears of blood at the number of times I’ve seen people wanting to reclaim our “boarders.” It’s a disgrace really, when the migrants speak better English than the natives, so we’re rolling out this education programme.

“I very much doubt it’ll have much effect. To be honest I’m thinking of defecting to the Tories.”

Blimey.

More as we get it.

NF

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Man Gets Blister On Thumb That Looks A Bit Like Kim Kardashian’s Arse

More bearable than having a thumb shaped blister on your arse - said man.

More bearable than having a thumb shaped blister on your arse – said man.

A plastics industry worker today revealed that he has a blister on his thumb that looks a bit like Kim Kardashian’s arse.

“I’ve no idea how it happened really,” the man said. “But I was taking parts out of an injection moulding machine which required trimming of excess flash with a knife. The parts were pretty hot so I was wearing gloves but it was giving my thumb some serious grief…

“When my day ended I took off my gloves and found that I had two blisters – which didn’t even really remotely resemble buttocks – and thought no more of it.

“When I looked again a few hours later, the blisters had sort of bled together, forming a shape approximating the contours of Kim Kardashian’s arse. So I took a picture of it and sent it in to Cafe Spike.

“As far as I’m concerned it’s quite profound…

“But I doubt it’ll break the internet.”

At least he got that right.

Martin Shuttlecock for www.cafespike.com – not breaking the internet since 2013.

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Blackpool deckchair man refuses to let summer go

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

As most Brits reluctantly accepted that summer is over by donning jackets and coats as the mercury dropped, one man made a gallant if somewhat misguided gesture of defiance by sitting on a deckchair on Blackpool beach, flatly refusing to let summer go.

Stubbornly parked on his deckchair by the North Pier, local man Lenny Austin, known by his friends as ‘Loopy Lenny,’ or ‘Lenny the Loon’ told onlookers that as far as he’s concerned summer isn’t over yet.

Indeed, as the rain spattered steadily and depressingly down, Loopy Lenny tried as best he could to put a brave face on things but even he drew the line when offered an ice cream cornet by a generous passer by.

“Too cold,” he said, politely declining the proffered cornet. Adding: “I know the nights are drawing in and the temperature is dropping, but my wife left me in March, the dog died of distemper in April, I lost my job, my house and had my car repossessed. It’s been a crap year for me all in all, and the decent summer weather was the only good thing going on in my life. I’ll be buggered if I’m letting it go without a fight.”

We get you Lenny.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

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