Nigel Farage denies giving Donald Trump a hand job

Ooh Nigel baby! You naughty Brexiteer!

Ooh Nigel baby! You naughty Brexiteer!

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage today denied reports that he’d given Donald Trump a hand job when the pair shared a stage in Alabama during the Republican presidential campaign. When Cafe Spike contacted Mr Farage’s agent for comment we were told:

“You’re too idiotic for words. Piss off and don’t ring this office again or we’ll get the police on you.”

Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock admitted at gunpoint that he was probably mistaken about the hand job, but in mitigation stated that the pair seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company.

“The only time you get two pricks standing erect like that on the internet is on gay porn websites,” he stated.

More as it comes in.

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Pippa Middleton’s arse more attractive than her face, say people

Arse.

Arse.

Pippa Middleton, the sister of the Duchess of Cambridge, whose arse stole the show at Kate and Prince William’s wedding was shocked to discover that public opinion rates her arse higher than it rates her face.

“Pippa’s arse is simply divine,” said renowned arse watcher Henry Buttock. “It’s a fantasy arse in every sense of the word. It makes Kim Kardashian’s arse look pedestrian but sadly her face doesn’t quite come up to scratch. It’s quite bland really.”

“It’s a modern day tragedy,” arse specialist Rupert Crumb of Highgate declared. “An arse of the Gods and a face like a bag of chisels. Still…you can’t have it all. Unless you’re Helen Mirren in her prime or something similar.”

Face.

Face.

“It could be much worse if it’s any consolation,” said avid Royal watcher Edmond Duvalier. “She could have a face like a shrivelled old arse and an arse like a saggy sack of spuds like the Duchess of Cornwall. She should count her blessings if you ask me.”

More arse related fuckwittery as we get it.

Ted Pemberton.

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“Tits get clicks” claim hotly disputed by failed website Editor

Very nice and all that but it doesn't attract readers.

Very nice and all that but it doesn’t attract readers.

Claims that naked breasts and cleavage pictures in online articles attract viewers have been hotly disputed by online magazine editor Martin Shuttlecock, of www.cafespike.com

“What a load of old shite,” Shuttlecock said. “Tits – big, small, perfectly formed, pert or whatever – make no difference whatsoever to the amount of clicks an article gets. It’s all bollocks is that. We’ve tried just about everything short of animal porn to attract readers and our most successful story in our undistinguished history featured a really shit picture of The Scoop in London in an article about the MP for Fareham in Hampshire.

“So that’s that theory well and truly fucked.

“If anyone out there has any ideas how to make our failing website more popular we’ll be glad to hear them.

“Just don’t ask us to start writing quality articles – because basically we’re fucking hopeless.”

*Don’t pass this crap on to your friends because frankly it’s all becoming something of an embarrassment.

BMM

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Migrants are eating OUR hedgehogs claims academic

We're coming for your hedgehogs ya bastards!

We’re coming for your hedgehogs ya bastards!

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University astonished the scientific community today by apportioning the blame for the UK’s rapidly declining hedgehog population on migrants.

Because the migrants are eating them all at every opportunity.

“There’s little doubt that migrants from Africa are eating our hedgehogs on an industrial scale,” Professor Mist stated. “They regard our native hedgehogs as a valuable food source and prowl our back gardens under cover of darkness setting hedgehog traps, and probably peeping through windows at our womenfolk with lustful intent or similar.

“Having captured a hedgehog, they incapacitate it by snapping its neck with pliers, before encasing it in wet clay and throwing it into the embers of an open fire, where it roasts. Then they peel off the baked clay and eat the animal after poking it out of the embers with a stick.

“Such activity has a devastating effect on our hedgehog population and it’s a tad disconcerting to think of hordes of hedgehog hunting migrants prowling our back gardens in the dark while we’re tucked up in bed.

“What worries me is that one day the marauding nocturnal migrant hordes will lose their appetite for baked hedgehog and start climbing through open windows in order to molest our womenfolk at gunpoint. Or knifepoint or whatever.

“We live in frightening times. If you doubt the veracity of that, ask a hedgehog. They’re mainly too scared to venture out alone at night.”

More as we get it.

MS for www.cafespike.com

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Migrants slaughtered and barbecued disabled child’s kitten

"I can't find Tiddles."

“I can’t find Tiddles.”

Residents of Hereford were left furious as it emerged that a migrant gang slaughtered and barbecued a disabled child’s pet kitten. Nine year old Violet Elizabeth Huff of Covington Gardens in the city hasn’t yet been informed of the terrible chain of events, whereby a group of callous migrants snatched the kitten off the streets, cut its throat, skinned and gutted it and then spit roasted it on an open fire on public land by the river.

“I saw the whole thing,” Hereford resident Bertrand Bussell said in a statement. “It was sickening. The behaviour of these migrants was shocking. While the kitten was cooking they were all sitting around on stolen deckchairs drinking vodka, injecting heroin and laughing. Then they ate the poor little thing. There would have been more meat in a Ginsters Cornish Pasty. I’d have had a go at them but they were mainly big buggers and evil looking bastards and I’ve a bad back.”

Hereford Police report that no arrests have been made as they haven’t received any complaints about kitten abuse.

So the evil migrants get off scot free yet again.

“Have you seen Tiddles? She’s been out for ever such a long time…” a tearful Violet Elizabeth – who suffers from Nuttall’s Syndrome asked our reporter.

Evil migrant bastards.

Monsoon

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Black people warned – NEVER put your hands up

A black woman, who'll probably get shot soon for having a broken tail light or something equally trivial.

A black woman, who’ll probably get shot soon for having a broken tail light or something equally trivial.

Prominent British academic, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University has advised all black people that under no circumstances should they ever raise their hands, because the likelihood is that should they do so they’ll probably be shot dead.

“There have been countless fatal shootings by law enforcement officers in the United States recently, involving black men, who when challenged by officers raised their hands to show compliance, and that they were unarmed,” he said. “And the problem with doing this is that to a police officer in contemporary America raised hands and compliance appears to be interpreted as an act of aggression – so they shoot first and ask questions later.

“Equally as dangerous – according to statistics – is lying on the ground twitching insensibly and helpless after being tasered. They’ll shoot you as sure as eggs is eggs. Nobody really understands why cops misinterpret these simple signals as acts of aggression likely to endanger police lives, but they do it all the time.

“There are dozens of video clips out there of people being shot for no apparent reason, people posing no obvious threat whatsoever. Maybe it’s the training, or the cops don’t understand the difference between reaching for your driving licence and reaching for a gun. Or by putting your hands up and not reaching for something while a bunch of cops keep screaming at you to get on the ground.

“There’s obviously something seriously wrong somewhere, but to be honest I haven’t got a clue how to sort it out. Unless black people in America just taser and shoot themselves to cut out the middle man. Or move somewhere where the cops are a bit less trigger happy.”

MS

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Mad Woman Harassed By Pervert – says Barking Mad Murphy

C'mon - you know you wanna...Christ this is awkward...

C’mon – you know you wanna…Christ this is awkward…

Women. Sexism. Glass ceilings. Women have it hard (Ooh Missus!) and nothing comes easy.

Success for women comes at a price. Cue UKIP. Cue Diane James, newly elected UKIP leader, breaking glass ceilings, breaking down sexist barriers, and getting her just desserts for the fruits of her labour…

A monster kiss from Nigel Farage. Ouch. Nobody deserves that.

Not even Diane James. Not in Bournemouth either – even though Bournemouth has been named as the UK’s most right wing city. Nothing spectacular about Bournemouth, just a dip in the cliffs, a pier and a crap fairground.

And Nigel Farage lacking only a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hat and a bucket and spade.

Closing in like a vulture on a dying wildebeest.

The sheer horror of it all.

Nigel’s Casanova technique could use some work, that’s for sure.

We really don’t need to be seeing this.

She should have slapped his face.

Or got a room.

Plenty available.

In Bournemouth.

Allegedly.

We shudder to think…

Barking Mad Murphy.

For cafe spike dot com

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World running out of cat stuff

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A Bengal Tabby pictured with a camera off the internet recently.

A leading academic today issued a dire warning, alerting the entire world that we’re running out of cat stuff.

“We’ve just about reached the limit with cat stuff,” Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University warned. “Just about everything a cat can possibly do has been plastered all over social media for years now, and I’m afraid the well has just about run dry. There’s nothing left to say – it’s all been done to death and then some.”

There seems little doubt that with the advent of the internet cats have enjoyed a surge in popularity not seen since the days of the ancient Egyptians, but the online trend seems to be indicating that a growing section of the public are becoming thoroughly pissed off with the never ending stream of internet cat junk.

“I quite like cats actually,” said Cafe Spike’s editor Martin Shuttlecock. “But there has to be a cut off point when cats seem to be the most important thing in the world.

“We’ve had lazy cats, crazy cats, cool cats, stupid cats, scary cats, guard dog cats, daredevil cats, cats being scared shitless by cucumbers, talking cats, laughing cats, fish bothering cats and mafia cats. I’m getting sick of fucking cats to be honest.

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage's nut sack. hopefully...

A Komodo Dragon chowing down on Farage’s nut sack. hopefully…

“People need to start getting more adventurous. I’ve heard Komodo Dragons and saltwater crocodiles are becoming the in thing with exotic pet owners, and I see that as a good thing.

“If I had a clip on my FB page of Iain Duncan Smith getting ripped to shreds by a salty, or Nigel Farage getting bit off a Komodo Dragon and shitting himself for three days until the poison finally sees him off, well – I’d give shit like that a thumbs up.

“And probably share it too if I could be arsed.”

More as we get it.

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UKIP voters to grow moustaches in homage to Farage

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen - allegedly.

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen – allegedly.

Now that he’s got “our country back” and stepped down as UKIP leader in order to get his life back one might be forgiven for hoping that we’d seen the last of Nigel Farage, but no, just like the proverbial bad penny the obnoxious little twerp keeps on rearing his fugly toad like head and spouting bollocks across the media.

Now he’s even grown a moustache – although God knows why, because he looks an even bigger twonk with a ‘tache – and UKIP voters are following the Fuhrer’s lead in a bid to achieve the suave, debonair WWII fighter pilot look.

Although we think he looks more like the dirty rotten scoundrel he really is. The despicable cad.

“I’m growing a ‘tache like Nigel,” said UKIP voter Eddie Thickneck from Thanet. “And so are all me mates, and I hope all UKIP voters follow suit then we can recognise each other in pubs and that and strike up friendships and stuff with like minded bigots we might not otherwise have known think like what we do.”

“I think growing a ‘tache like Nigel is a great idea showing solidarity among patriotic Brexiteers,” said UKIP voter George Goebbels of Sunderland. “And it’s not sexist at all because all the women who vote UKIP have ‘taches too so it’s a win-win all round.”

The mind boggles…

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Concerns Raised Over Kim Kardashian’s Arse

Kim Kardashian's arse pictured yesterday.

Kim Kardashian’s arse pictured yesterday.

Concerned citizens in the Western world have been raising concerns over Kim Kardashian’s arse after it failed to appear in global media for two days running.

“This is most disconcerting indeed,” Dublin housewife Agnes Brown wrote on Facebook. “I’ve been through the Mail online with a fine tooth comb and there’s been no mention of Kim’s arse for at least two days. It just isn’t fecking good enough. I can’t possibly function on a day to day basis unless I’m kept fully informed as to what Kim’s arse is up to.”

To date, Kim Kardashian’s arse is the only arse in history to have broken the internet twice. It’s an arse that has earned its rightful place in history books as the only arse you can stand eight pints of Guinness on, and the arse that inspired tens of thousands of women to have their buttocks artificially inflated with gallons of whale blubber.

“In order to gain a glimmer of understanding about the universe, the cosmos and the planet we live on it’s vital that we be made aware of the status of Kim Kardashian’s arse,” said Professor Stephen Hawking in a somewhat robotic voice. “We need to know that Kim’s arse is in robust health and functioning properly, as opposed to being blocked up, violated or even having the screaming shits. It’s vital for the future of humanity that we be kept informed.”

Cafe Spike approached Kim Kardashian’s arse for comment and it responded with a fart. Somewhat surprisingly it smelt like shit and not Chanel No 9

Ted Pemberton

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