Titchfield Mayoral inauguration branded a flop

Mayor Barry Slade - defiant in the face of adversity.

Mayor Barry Slade – defiant in the face of adversity.

Officials have officially stated that the disappointing figures for Friday’s mayoral inauguration ceremony in the grounds of the abbey were ‘disappointing, to say the least,’ while newly sworn in Mayor, Barry Slade decried the claims by declaring the event a ‘resounding success which sent a message out to the world, the whole world, all of it, oh yes.’

Despite hiring 100 seats for the event, officials announced that only 11 had actually shown up, of which five were garden centre customers who had taken a wrong turn.

Mayor Slade blamed the dismal turnout on ‘adverse conditions and women,’ claiming that tailbacks on the M62 had caused problems and that many visitors became distracted by the allure of a farmers’ market just up the road in Fareham, adding that women didn’t help the situation because ‘they always want their own way.’

“It was bladdy big load of shit innit,” said burger van entrepreneur Ali Bullo. “They tell me six hundred coming so I pay thirty pound for license, come with hundred burger, I sell not one. Is bladdy rip-off and big waste of time. Nobody come, nobody buy burger, Tommy Cooper impersonator – him not come. Is all a bladdy big con innit …”

Mayor Slade dismissed his critics by saying they just couldn’t get along with his anti-everything stance.

“Seems obvious to me that in this village the women wear the pants,” he said. “Women should stop talking and trying to interfere with business and get busy in the bedroom and the kitchen because they aren’t good for much else. If you ask me they have too much influence, way too much influence. The guys of Titchfield need to grow a pair, that’s right, grow a pair, a big pair, a yuge pair, and put their foot down with a firm hand before we become a nation of pussies. Pussies…yes…”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

Share

BF’s Paul Golding Warned To Lay Off The Kebabs

A half eaten kebab pictured last week.

A half eaten kebab pictured last week.

A Britain First insider exclusively revealed today that the far-right group’s leader, Paul Golding has been advised to lay off the kebabs for a while or run the risk of becoming a really, really, fat bastard. BF members expressed concern over the portly gobshite’s rapidly expanding girth, which can be clearly seen on recently released Britain First clips.

“He’s a bugger for an extra large doner with salad and lashings of garlic sauce,” the insider confided. “He often has two a day and he’s on first name terms with the staff at Ali Bullo’s Kebab and Pizza Grill in Swanley. Jayda’s forever nagging him about being a porker but he takes no notice. It was only when Doctor Hassan warned him to lay off the kebabs, and exercise more or risk getting type 2 diabetes that he started paying attention.”

Kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo commented: “Him come in shop two three times every day. Is good customer but him no really like us. Him smile to face only for kebab – is best in Swanley, but deep in heart him hate us. Is why Mehmet put little extra protein in garlic sauce, if you get what I mean.”

We asked Paul Golding for a comment but one of his minions told us he was out somewhere flogging tat in a shopping centre off a rickety table.

Please Like Share and Retweet or we’ll start posting pics of abused kittens.

Paddy Berzinski

Share

Win A Spiketastic Saturday Night In On Us.

Just Have A Look At What You Could Have Won!

Just Have A Look At What You Could Have Won!

Win A Spiketastic Saturday Night In With Café Spike…

It’s true. Café Spike is offering each and every one of our readers the chance to win an amazing night in with the squeeze of your choice, and all you have to do to win is answer one simple question. But first…

The Prize

The lucky winner will receive – courtesy of cafespike.com – not one, but TWO bottles of plonk. A bottle of Sainsbury’s basic range red table wine (We use Sainsbury’s all the time now since the notorious Halloween ASDA Incident) AND a bottle of sweet sherry we got from either Aldi or Lidl.

Also – as in only befitting of a good night in, we’ll send you vouchers for two extra large doner kebabs from Ali Bullos’ kebab and pizza grill. With a choice of chilli or garlic sauce – served in an eco-friendly polystyrene container. [Read more…]

Share

The Grand Day Out – Episode Four – The Naughty Step

Once More Unto The Breech Dear Friends!

Once More Unto The Breech Dear Friends!

And so the charabanc, its cream and emerald green livery still in pristine condition, and shining like a baby’s bottom at bath time, continues on its way to the picturesque village of Shurrup, and the famous Naughty Step.

An increasingly irritable Mrs Percy turns to the Major, and says:

“What is this Naughty Step thing, Major? I mean, I’ve never heard of it.”

“I’m not certain, the wife, but I’m sure it will be something worth looking at,” the Major replies.

“Well I hope it’s an improvement on Lovers Leap. What a crashing disappointment that was. A proper tear off.”

“Rip off, the wife,” the Major corrects her. “The term is rip off.”

“Yes, well…That was a disgrace. Ten pounds each to see a four foot slope, and getting harrassed by a greasy Ottoman in a burger van…Not my idea of a great day out. Let’s hope this next attraction is a vast improvement.” [Read more…]

Share

The Grand Day Out – Episode Three – Lovers Leap

Tally ho!

Tally ho!

The charabanc, unsullied by the blight of airborne pollen, the pestilence of squashed insects, or the perils of airborne industrial soot particles, weaves its way majestically from the gloomy depression that is the village of Lower Doom, with its slate grey stone buildings, its lack of meaningful sunlight, and its dour residents, headed for the Lovers Leap at Lippington Mount.

The charabanc’s impressive cream and emerald green livery almost sparkles in the apparent gloaming.

“Lower Doom is a rather morbid looking destination, don’t you think, Major?” says Mrs Percy.

“Oh I don’t know,” replies the Major. “It is possessed with a certain je ne sais quoi..”

“Oh do stop speaking Mexican at me Major,” Mrs Percy says. “You know I hate it when you speak Mexican. It simply isn’t good enough. Conduct unbecoming, and all that…” [Read more…]

Share