Help Us To Save Nigel Farage

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet - still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Lord Mustard Pants Of Thanet – still smiling despite becoming an endangered species.

Having heard that Nigel Farage has received death threats from anonymous sources and that he can’t go out in public without fearing for his personal safety we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns and we’ve come up with a rather rollicking good plan to keep the sainted Lord Nigel alive and safe. But we need YOUR help.

We propose to commission a ten foot square steel cube with twelve inch thick walls and a big feeding tube attached and then put Nigel in it and bury it two hundred feet deep in Death Valley in his beloved USA, where he’ll be completely untouchable and safe from all the lunatics who wish him harm and threaten to loosen the wheel nuts on his car and suchlike.

Above ground we’ll install a pod containing a dozen highly trained SAS men to guard the feed tube and send Lord Nigel copious quantities of John Bull best bitter, Benson and Hedges, Pringles, salsa dip and regular copies of the DAILY EXPRESS so he can bask in the hero worship of his sycophantic fan base.

We reckon it’ll cost about £3 million but it’ll be money well spent if it keeps Nigel safe, and here’s where you come in…

Send us your donation now, the greater the sum the more it’ll make Saint Nigel safe from harm.

If you’d rather contribute towards maintaining Lord Nigel’s sartorial elegance you can contribute to our kit appeal, which may well keep the Good Lord Nigel in mustard coloured corduroy trousers, tasselled loafers, crombie coats (with velvet collars of course) and hacking jackets.

Send in YOUR donation NOW to KEEP Saint Nigel safe this Christmas and for years to come.

**UPDATE** We hadn’t factored into the financial costing a toilet facility, so PLEASE donate an extra £100 so that King Nigel can have a safe place to meditate.

After all – the last thing we’d want would be for Father Nigel to drown in his own effluence.

That would just be wrong.

Cafe Spike


Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike


Appeal – Can You Help Us Find Our Missing Nigel?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

Why,oh why, did you have to leave and, go away? Have you seen him?

We aren’t offering a reward or anything, but we seem to have misplaced our Nigel, and we’d really, really appreciate it if you could help us to get him back.

Nigel went missing just before last weekend. He was last seen in a pub celebrating the birth of the Royal baby, chugging on a B&H with a swift pint. At the time he was last seen he was wearing a stupid grin, a coat with a velvet collar and shiny shoes. The only witness we have at present has informed us that Nigel said he was leaving in order to try to find a ‘policy.’ We aren’t sure exactly what that means, but it does seem to confirm that our Nigel was acting in an uncharacteristic fashion. He’s never mentioned anything about policy before, although he did once scribble something he described as ‘an idea’ on a soggy beer mat in biro.

Our Nigel has been described as bearing more than a passing resemblance to Parker, the Gerry Anderson puppet out of the TV series Thunderbirds. He’s quite a jovial sort of chap, who it’s quite safe to approach providing you don’t mind somebody bending your earholes with anti-EU propaganda for an hour or two. And you aren’t an immigrant or an ethnic minority.

And possibly dangerous if you happen to be a Romanian.

We’re desperate to find our Nigel, as he hasn’t been seen for two or three days, and we’re desperate to bring him home. If you’re English just take him to the nearest pub, buy him a pint, tell him David Cameron is on his way to discuss the possibility of a coalition and contact us ASAP.

If you aren’t English, it’s probably advisable to track him and maintain contact with your local police station via mobile phone until he is successfully apprehended.

If you do spot our Nigel, please let us know via our Café Spike Facebook page. We’re desperately missing him, because we haven’t had a good belly laugh in days, and as his absence continues to torture us, our country is rapidly disappearing down the toilet. Help us get our Nigel, and our country back. You know it makes sense.

Many thanks from the Café Spike team.

Contact us on our Facebook page; it’s on Facebook somewhere.


Dear Mr Le Bon – Clock Ticking On Derek Philpott’s Kickstarter Appeal

This appeal depends on whether I get fed in future - Derek's cat.

This appeal depends on whether I get fed in future – Derek’s cat.

If you haven’t yet read Derek Philpott’s hilarious letters to pop stars in which they clinically dissect the lyrical content of popular songs, then you really ought to. They can be found at

Derek (with occasional and valued help from his friend Wilf Turnbull) is a retired gentleman from Bournemouth who has been writing highly amusing epistles for a number of years now, and the truly astonishing thing is that many of the pop stars have actually replied, demonstrating in return their own innate sense of humour and a willingness to participate and ‘have a laugh’ in the true spirit of camaraderie. Proving that, far from being the spoilt moody rock and rollers of legend they enjoy a chuckle as much as the rest of us.

It didn’t take long for a devoted fan base to be cultivated, thus evolving a hobby into an online phenomenon. Indeed, Derek was approached by a leading publishing house and courted by their representatives with a view to collating the best of the articles and presenting them in a widely available print version. Somewhat inexplicably – and in spite of the spirited input from a galaxy of famous pop stars – the publisher’s interest suddenly waned. In Derek’s words, “They were dealing exclusively with me and my website helper by that point and they just started being difficult. They seemed to be imposing so many conditions and subjecting the whole process to needless delays. Not only did I feel that they were just being awkward about the project, but that I got the increasing feeling that they demanded I jump through whatever particular hoops they felt inclined to put up on any given day. Letters were demanded to be toned down, and big words removed.”

Something had to give because there was no sign of any progress being made, so the project fell through.

Another false start occurred in January this year when a large publishing company, after an initial flurry of interest, declined at the last minute just before an announcement was to be made, stating that ”there is no market for this.”

Undeterred, Derek decided to launch an online fund raising appeal via Kickstarter in order to produce a book which he felt would do the years of inspired scribbling justice, offer a value for money product rather than the “watered down” version the publishers had been talking about. Thus, the Dear Mr Le Bon – A Pensioner Writes – campaign was born.

Derek Philpott - Inexplicably ignored by the mainstream press, who seem to be more interested in Nigel Farage

Derek Philpott – Inexplicably ignored by the mainstream press, who seem to be more interested in Nigel Farage

“It’s doing really well,” Derek told us. “But I’m not quite up to our target yet, and there’s only three weeks or so to go. The social networking following that I have, together with many of the artists involved, have been the lifeblood of this campaign. I am absolutely staggered by the level of support and help from both, and they are even promoting it for me. I need more pledges and do not want existing backers to increase their bids unless they want more copies, so if there’s anyone out there who’s been thinking about grabbing a copy of the book, then please make your pledge online. It’s all over the website and social media. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we reach our target and that I can get the book out, but I won’t be doing a Bob Geldof and swearing at our fans. That would never do.”

And if the target isn’t made?

“I love my work Martin, I’m seldom happier than when I have a letter ‘on the go’. They take hours, days even to craft and it’s wonderful to know as I scribble in my lounge that my work and the reply will be read and enjoyed by potentially 1,000s of people. Regrettably though I’ll probably have to step back from it if the funding fails. It will leave a big void, but after so much time and 1,000s of hours and emails and all of this work costing me so much money and time, I’ll take it as a sign that may the world wasn’t ready for such a concept! Hopefully that won’t happen, but if we can’t raise the necessary funding I’ll help my wife Jean out with our burgeoning Philpottery cottage industry”

You can find out more about Philpottery on our Philpottery Facebook page.

“I’m optimistic about making the target but as in all things nothing is ever set in stone. I’ve been doing this now for seven years and it’s hard work putting the letters together. The pop stars themselves, as I say, have been fantastic and great sports – I can never thank them enough. It’s flattering that the likes of Fish, Toyah, Right Said Fred and a host of others have taken the time to respond to us, and even pledge generously. I’m eternally grateful for that, and although there are too many to mention here they all know who they are and how appreciative I am. I suppose it’s ‘fingers crossed’ time now. It’s up to the fans whether they want me to go ahead or not. I bid you good day Sir!”

If you want to help Derek to achieve his goal (and who doesn’t!) you can find details relating to the project on Derek’s Facebook page, or just Google: Dear Mr Le Bon – A Pensioner Writes@

Wilf Turnbull

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock