Britain Faces Big Bacon Crisis As Danes Ban Exports In Brexit Backlash

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it'll be history. The Classic Full English.

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it’ll be history. The Classic Full English.

Whilst it was inevitable that there would be a backlash from Europe over Britain’s decision to leave the EU, nobody stopped to consider that the classic ‘Full English Breakfast’ might be the first move in a war of attrition as Denmark slapped a ban on all exports of bacon to the UK. In a shock move, the Danish Food and Agriculture Minister announced in Copenhagen today that with immediate effect, all exports of bacon and allied products to the UK will be suspended.

“The British have been doing a lot of fighting talk of late,” Peppa Schnitzel told the Danish parliament. “They’ve called us all many bad things, so we will not only be saving our bacon, we’ll be keeping it. They are not having any more from us. It serves the selfish pigs right. A Full English cannot possibly be a Full English without bacon.”

Industry experts here in the UK say that the Danish move will have a devastating effect on national morale, even though Ireland – our second major bacon provider hasn’t announced a similar retaliatory move. Yet…

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University responded that the Danish bacon blockade will result in the price of a single rasher of smoked back or streaky bacon to rise to £9.00 as things stand.

“In reality it’ll mean the price of a bacon sandwich purchased in a cafe or at a food van will go up to around £40,” Professor Mist said. “And if the Irish adopt a similar tactic then bacon will become completely unaffordable, even if you can get your hands on a black market supply. It’ll be more expensive than saffron. It’s all quite tragic really.”

We'll never see the like again.

We’ll never see the like again.

Soon to be ex-Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be “gutted” by the news – being a huge lover of all things pork and bacon related – but insisted it isn’t his fault.

“Let me be perfectly clear on this,” he said. “It isn’t my fault. I asked the public to vote remain but they didn’t. Everybody hates me now.”

More as it comes in.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Mass Online Hysteria Erupts Over Fictional Bacon Ban

AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE UKIP!

AND DON’T FORGET TO VOTE UKIP!

It all kicked off big time on the Daily Express website’s comments section yesterday when the DE published a ‘story’ stating that bacon sarnies, butties or whatever you care to call them may or may not be banned in case they upset Muslim sensibilities. The story, such as it was contained a suggestion from somebody or other at Goldsmith University  that reheating bacon sandwiches, sausage rolls and generally any kind of pork product in workplace microwaves could be offensive to those of the Muslim and Jewish faiths.

Note the word ‘could’ because could is an entirely different word to ‘does.’ The DE ‘story in question seemed plausible – given the occasional bouts of communal insanity to which humanity is occasionally prone – although when any sane person considers the evidence based on real life experience, it’s highly improbable. Yet it didn’t seem to stop dozens of paranoid UKIP supporters from getting a bit hot under the collar and venting their collective “UKIP are not a racist party” spleens over some mythical ‘law’ which literally appeared to induce mad cow disease into their little hearts. Bless ’em all.

It didn’t take long for it all to go completely mad, with people expressing their fury about the Muslim invasion, the erosion of British culture, the end of life as we know it and Armageddon in an almighty shrapnel blast of knotted bacon rind.

I don't believe it!

I don’t believe it!

I read the story myself, and as I appear to be quite popular among Express online readers I introduced occasional inane comments suggesting that veganism is king and ‘meat will give you all manner of bad made up illnesses’ into the equation. For this crime against Christianity I was branded a ‘lefty,’ whilst other, slightly more robust commentators declared patriotically that the Muslims are taking over the world and are no doubt determined to enforce Sharia law across the nation. Even in Chipping Norton.

The government were denounced as ‘traitorous,’ which is something of a DE buzzword, and some people even went as far as to say they would eat pork pies and bacon rolls outside mosques as a mark of protest. Humour of any description appeared to be in exceedingly short supply, which led me to write in a frivolous manner that Muslims were correct in not eating pork because pork contains parasitic worms, and that once consumed, the worms move up to the inner ear via the lungs and attack the cochlea, causing possibly permanent deafness. One individual apparently took my idiotic remark at face value, replying that “farm bred pigs don’t have worms.”

When I went on to state even more idiotic ‘facts’ such as microwaves causing blindness and pork being the main cause of brain cancer somebody politely pointed out that more people are killed in car accidents than die eating pork. I must admit, that one kind of threw me. From that point on it got even more insane, so I decided it might be wise to just shut up and let the silly sods get on with it.

The reality is, there is no bacon or pork ban in force according to the law. It’s all a question of personal choice. I think somebody forgot to tell all the furious kippers, so they went about their patriotic duty with gusto, defending God and country by angrily pounding their keyboards and doubtless snorting into their Ovaltine as they vowed to defend the bacon sarnie to the death.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

Just as I got to thinking things couldn’t possibly get any crazier, a brief look at the Mail Online revealed that Richard Littlejohn – that well respected champion of common sense and straight talking no bullshit journalism – had thrown his pork pie hat into the fray. Somebody must have told him to get up out of his hyperbaric chamber and whip his laptop out pronto because the Express was kicking up a storm with this one. So Littlejohn basically repeated the DE article in some feeble attempt at stirring up a similar shitstorm on the Mail.

As Littlejohn himself has often said, “You couldn’t make it up.”

Which is somewhat ironic given that somewhere down the line somebody obviously did.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Red Ed Miliband fails bacon sandwich course

He's loving it - we don't think

He’s loving it – we don’t think

Red Ed, as he’s known to his chums and muckers has apparently failed a course dedicated to the preparation and consumption of bacon sandwiches which he enrolled on at the Bacon Butty Institute of Birmingham last month. Apparently Red Ed felt humiliated following his much publicised attempts to successfully consume a bacon sandwich a few months ago and enrolled on the course in an attempt to revive his flagging street-cred.

“Ed regrets ever being involved in that bacon butty stunt,” Toby Wolfe – a tutor at the BBIB – told us. “He looked on it as a career defining moment, and not in a good way.”

There is no doubt that Mr Miliband appeared to struggle negotiating a bacon sandwich, grimacing throughout as he chomped and chomped as if his life depended on it. All of which sort of dented his credibility as leader of a party which purports to represent working people.

“He’s not used to bacon butties,” Wolfe sighed. “He’s a north London toff like all the rest of them, another career politician who doesn’t really have a clue about anything. Unless you include gurning – he’s dead good at that. Anyway, he doesn’t eat bacon butties for breakfast; he eats muesli or something similar. He’s very big on fibre apparently.”

The course which Mr Miliband took encompassed all aspects of bacon butty making, all the way through selection of type of bacon, bread, and cooking procedures, followed up by sauce selection. It doesn’t look so difficult on paper, so how did our aspiring Prime Minister flunk the test?

“Frankly, he was bloody hopeless,” Wolfe sighed. “He wasn’t too bad at grilling the bacon and buttering the bread, but his sauce choices were appalling. He insisted on Hollandaise, and that just doesn’t work at all. He might have stood a chance if he’d gone with the traditional choice of ketchup or brown sauce, and when he tried to eat it – it was a disaster. He had a face on him like a bulldog chewing a pissy nettle, and that’s the kind of face that doesn’t resonate with working people, who tend to devour their bacon butties with relish. You can’t possibly have a British PM who doesn’t appreciate a bacon butty – that would be like having an Italian President who hates pasta.”

The way we see it is that you can’t trust a man who vows to eliminate ‘zero hours’ contracts when his own party is as guilty as all the rest of abusing workers, and you certainly can’t trust a man who merely pretends to enjoy tucking into a bacon sandwich.

So there.

Paddy Berzinski

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Crappy Breakfast Pic Sparks Full Blown Domestic At CS HQ

The New Version - With Black Pudding And Stuff

The New Version – With Black Pudding And Stuff

The recent publication of a breakfast picture featured in a Café Spike article about beef plums sparked a serious domestic incident at the site’s offices when resident chef, Carolina Del Greelio took exception and demanded in no uncertain terms that the picture, which depicted what she described as ‘a crap breakfast’ be deleted forthwith and replaced with something “better reflective of the chef’s talents” or face castration without anaesthetic.

“I didn’t think it was a bad shot,” Editor Martin Shuttlecock said. “It wasn’t spectacular, granted, but it looked appetising enough to me on the day I woke up starving hungry.”

Del Greelio did not agree, describing the illustration as: “Something I banged out whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.”

“I repented,” Shuttlecock admitted. “We’ve often been accused by some of our many detractors of writing about what we’ve had to eat, but quite frankly I thought the picture looked fine. I actually like tinned plum tomatoes, black pudding, bacon, egg and toast – even if the whole shebang is swimming in tomato juice. But she wasn’t happy and she wasn’t having it. She demanded that I change it immediately. At first I refused point-blank because I actually really enjoyed that breakfast. But it’s amazing how persuasive an angry wife armed with a rusty pair of garden shears and evil intent can be.

The Old Version - We Didn't Care How Runny It Was

The Old Version – We Didn’t Care How Runny It Was

“So I changed it to the amended version. It’s got smoked back bacon, a fried egg on a circle of fried bread, mushrooms, tomatoes and black pudding in the new screenshot, and she’s actually asked me to point out that the moisture on view isn’t grease – merely natural juices brought forth by expert cookery techniques. So there – duly pointed out.

“I was going to say that this isn’t truly representative of a typical full English breakfast because it doesn’t have sausages or beans on it but she waved the rusty garden shears at me, with a truly psychopathic gleam in her eye and an air of such malevolent intent that I gave in and agreed to supplant the existing brekky pic with something slightly more appetising.

“I’ll be sleeping with one eye open tonight because I’m not sure where she’s hidden the rusty garden shears.”

“I’m the guv’nor in this house and don’t you forget it,” Chef Del Greelio said in closing. “And he is a bit of a twat when all’s said and done.”

*Next time – How I spent three hours sitting on a chair by the oven door basting a bird because she challenged me to cook honey roast duck. I swear she stitched me up like a kipper. – By Martin Shuttlecock.*

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