Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins to present Great British Bake Off

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we've put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t'internet instead.

Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins are both so elfin fugly we’ve put a pic of Michelle Keegan up wot we got off t’internet instead.

The much loved former UKIP leader and the highly regarded Mail columnist are currently the favourites to take over presentation duties on GBBO following the show’s switch to Channel Four from its original BBC slot.

“Katie’s a natural choice for the slot,” a theatrical agent who insisted on anonymity told Cafe Spike. “Her appearances on This Morning alongside Holly Willoughby and Pip Schofield galvanised her reputation for representing ordinary people. She’s in tune with the common people, as she proved by filming herself getting shagged in a field by a pig herder.

“As for Nigel Farage – he’s just so charismatic and attractive that millions of formerly straight UKIP voters just want to be gay for a day and share a bed with him smoking fags, having sex and drinking Bombardier beer whilst slagging off foreigners and pretending not to be racist.

“Which doesn’t bode well for Nadia, but the bottom line is that Katie and Nigel know all there is to know about fruit cakes.”

More as we get it.



Hidden Netflix Gold Revealed – ‘Still Game’

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

Jack and Victor hitting The Clansman

If you’re a Netflix subscriber you already know that there are hidden gems to be found there, whatever your tastes – it’s just that sometimes people need to be nudged in the right direction in order to discover them. One such hidden gem which I stumbled upon recently is Still Game. If you’re a comedy connoisseur you need to check out Still Game as a matter of urgency.

The Netflix blurb does this fantastic sit-com no favours whatsoever, describing it in simplistic terms as the exploits of two Glaswegian pensioner pals, Jack and Victor. It’s a description that barely scratches the surface.

Jack and Victor live in Craiglang, a council estate in inner city Glasgow and spend much of their time in a schemie pub, The Clansman, jousting with Bobby the barman along with their pals, Winston and Tam. Pipe smoking Jack buys his tobacco from Navid’s mini-mart, where local gossip Isa scrubs the floors with little regard for Navid’s constant sniping at his “fat cow” of a wife Mina, or with Mina’s acerbic remarks in retaliation.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

Isa and Navid contemplate the meaning of life and sangwiches.

We can say here without spoiling anything for potential viewers that the boys’ encounters with neds (non-educated delinquents) officialdom, women, devil dogs, further education, hospital radio, the fast food business, DIY, motoring and pleasure cruising are an absolute delight.

Originally only broadcast in Scotland, Still Game is highly regarded by the comedy cogniscienti and with five series available on Netflix there’s plenty to get your teeth into, with a new series in the making according to reliable sources.

Oh, and don’t be put off by middle Englander wankers who couldn’t understand the accents in Rab C Nesbitt and various other Scottish productions, because Still Game makes Glaswegian sexy and it’s easy to follow.

Although it’s not advisable to greet everyone you meet with: “Hello there ya prick!”

Tempting – yes. Advisable – no.

Ted Pemberton


Mail readers still don’t “get” Alf Garnett

Alf Garnett holding court on t'interweb as pictured off our computer.

Alf Garnett holding court on t’interweb as pictured off our computer.

As the BBC announced that it is to make a number of one-offs of legendary comedy shows – including an episode of Till Death Us Do Part starring The Fast Show’s Simon Day as Alf – it seems that after all these years a number of Daily Mail readers still don’t understand what Alf Garnett was all about.

It was as obvious back then as it is now that Alf Garnett was a loser; a loud mouthed bigot who never won an argument and who eventually became a victim of the very system he’d always championed, being humiliated by the Thatcher government as he reached pensionable age with a disabled wife, no private pension, and reliant on the DHSS as it was then known. (Now it’s the DWP and a whole lot more ruthless than Thatcher ever was.)

Without going into all the comprehensively documented background of the writer and the star of the show – Johnny Speight and Warren Mitchell respectively, who were both Jewish and committed socialists – it beggars belief that to this day so many people still don’t get the satire, that Alf was a parody, a contradiction, a stone age relic.

Even now there are many who idolise Alf, gushing over how he always spoke his mind and was unswervingly patriotic and un-PC as they completely miss the point. Like this chap who posted on the Daily Mail website:

“I don’t know what I’m looking forward to more…………..this program or the inevitable raging from the hand wringing lefties :)”

Comments such as the above help us to understand Nigel Farage’s popularity among a certain demographic.

It’s all quite sad really – you’d think they’d have cottoned on after all these years.

Obviously not.


Cafe Spike Is 100% Behind Comic Relief

Send Us The Effin Money Now!

Send Us The Effin Money Now!

Rejoice good citizens of Britain, for it’s Comic Relief Day again – or Red Arse Day as we call it here in the office. That statement isn’t meant to be derogatory by the way – Café Spike supports Comic Relief all the way to the hilt. We think it’s wonderful that our stars of the comedy firmament take the time and trouble to travel to fly-blown third world countries in order to pose with a shovel for photographic opportunities and make self publicising heartrending documentaries about those less fortunate than themselves.

Although in all honesty the real reason why we’re totally committed to Comic Relief is that we’re a bit skint at the moment and we’re hoping and praying that the comedy Gods and Goddesses will smile upon us and send us some money or something.

To be brutally honest, Spike Towers could do with a lick of paint, some new carpets, a general makeover and a brand new back garden because ours looks like something out of an Alabama swamp dweller’s scrapbook. And the downstairs bog is chipped and could do with replacing.

So, when you’re ready…

Promise we won’t waste any donations on beer and takeaways.

Reporter: Martin Shuttlecock


Jeremy Clarkson – Who Gives A Rat’s Arse?

The Top Gear Team Getting A Warm Welcome In Argentina

The Top Gear Team Getting A Warm Welcome In Argentina

Here at the Café we’ve studiously ignored the ongoing row over the BBC’s suspension of self proclaimed petrol head, Jeremy Clarkson, because quite frankly we don’t give a rat’s knacker either way. We don’t even watch Top Gear because it’s about as interesting as watching a goldfish swim around in endless circles in a glass bowl. It’s just a show about high performance cars presented by a middle aged egomaniac who owns a seemingly overlarge head. In the greater scheme of things it’s completely irrelevant.

To us anyway.

Seemingly not to Clarkson’s legions of fans, and even his opponents. It’s descended into the realms of political farce of the lowest order.

The Prime Minister expressed his support for Clarkson – let that sink in for a moment – The Prime Minister. Jesus Dave…do you really not have more important things to do? It would be laughable were it not so bloody tragic.

Here’s the skinny – Clarkson got ticked off because of a lack of satisfactory catering after a hard day’s filming and proceeded allegedly to throw a punch at a producer because he couldn’t get his own way. Then Clarkson reported himself to the BBC for misconduct.

According to sources, Clarkson’s contract with the BBC is up for renewal and cynics claim that Clarkson wants away in order to sell his show to the highest bidder.

So why all the hullabaloo? Who gives a toss what he does?

Apparently media harridan Katie Hopkins does – she likened the BBC’s suspension of Clarkson to hanging the queen. Which is plainly just fucking moronic.

Anyone with half a brain knows that Clarkson’s carefully constructed TV persona has been honed to promote maximum publicity, good or bad. Yet we have a Prime Minister and the entire media up in arms over some lumpen headed spoilt brat millionaire’s rights?

What a load of old bollocks. We just think he’s a cunt.

Reporter: Ted Pemberton


19 Of Today’s Daftest Online News Headlines

It's A Funny Old World

It’s A Funny Old World

With so many insane news items splashed all over the internet it’s no surprise that satirical news sites appear to be having a tough time of it at the moment. From the badly phrased, to the OMG! and all the way on to WTF? and stating the bleeding obvious, our online news sites take some beating. We had a quick surf around some of them today and we found some stuff that we found either interesting or just plain stupid. Here’s a selection of them from Thursday 16th October 2014.

Michael Jackson is top dead earner for second year. (Express)

This one was in the Express, obviously. One accolade every performer on Earth would surely dread being the subject of.

High-flying banker nicknamed ‘Crazy Miss Cokehead’ by bullying male colleagues claims compensation of £14million after winning employment tribunal (Mail)

How much? £14million? We reckon the world really has finally gone mad.

Actress to meet police over abuse (BBC)

It’s the phrasing with this one – which just goes to show that the BBC don’t always get it right. (No sniggering at the back!) Maybe it’s just us but “meeting over abuse” just comes out all wrong. Sort of makes it out like meeting over tea and biscuits.

A topless Abbey Clancy straddles a guitar in short film directed by Kate Moss’ hairdresser. (Express)

This one just has to be the most idiotic headline of the day. Having said that, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Kate Moss’s hairdresser also makes short films. The mind boggles.

The (beautiful) calm before the storm: Tranquil scenes across Britain before wind and rain caused by Atlantic weather front sweep in (Mail)

The Mail again demonstrating journalistic excellence. Wind and rain? In Britain? In October? Who’d have known?

Horse shot dead and left in garden (BBC)

After actually reading this article we were left with one question: Why?

Noel Gallagher finishes song after 23-year wait. (Express)

The album is going to be a long time coming then…

Parent’s fury as children are banned from going to the toilet during lessons unless they have a sick note from their doctor (Mail)

This has got to be a joke, or worse an outright lie. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Man detained for attempted PC murder (BBC)

Again, it’s the phrasing of this one that’s all wrong. Nobody at Café Spike condones attempting to murder a police officer – or did they mean an attempted Politically Correct murder?

Camilla fondly remembers her brother who ‘used to chase me with cricket bat’ (Express)

And she has ‘fond memories’ of being chased by her cricket bat wielding brother? Sounds more like the stuff of nightmares to us. But then, she’s a Royal and her hubby has been known to indulge in the odd spot of weirdness.

Is this silver dome-shaped object spotted in the sky above a paranormal conference a UFO? (Mail)

No. No it isn’t. It’s just another fuzzy picture illustrating another non-news item from the Mail.

Katie Hopkins targets The Apprentice’s Karren Brady in brutal attack on ‘moustache’ (Express)

More plain weirdness. We can’t help wondering how one conducts a brutal attack on a moustache…

Unidentifiable meat, soggy pasta and stale bread rolls: Airline food from around the world revealed (but not ALL of it is unappetising) (Mail)

Nothing much changed there then. Since the last time the Mail repeated this non-story for the nth time.

‘Hero’ nurse who infected Nazis with STDs to be honoured by plaque (Express)

Blimey! Cracking example of germ warfare there.

Brand Gives Brits Permission To vote After Being Called A ‘Bum Hole’ (Huffington Post)

Kind of Russell, that. Wonder which ex-Sex Pistol and PiL frontman called him a ‘Bum Hole’?

Deadly virus capable of WIPING OUT human race could fall from SPACE at any moment (Express)

Erm…this theory has been expostulated for decades. Not scaremongering then Express? Damn, we sold up and spent all our money on cocaine on the strength of this.

‘This Year’s ‘Strictly’ Is The Worst Series Ever’ (Huffington Post)

Sorry Huff, you must have mistaken us for somebody who actually gives a toss.

Dwarf handed crayons and colouring book as he sat down for romantic dinner with fiancée (Metro)

Metro there, rehashing last week’s ‘news.’ We seem to recall that the ‘romantic dinner’ took place in a fast food joint…although we could be wrong.

Denmark to finally ban animal sex because ‘it’s damaging the country’s reputation’ (Express)

*Eyes packet of bacon suspiciously*

And that’s it for today. You can find all this stuff online if you’re remotely interested. Or desperately sad like us. We might even do a few more of these if we have the time.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski