Local Man comes 7th in Tatty Beard Contest

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Titchfield resident Clive Bonkers was celebrating this morning after being awarded 7th place at the 6th Annual Telford Tatty Beard Contest. Although he missed out on the prizes Mr Bonkers was delighted by his placing in the contest.

“There were only seven people in my category,” Mr Bonkers explained. “And technically I finished last, although I’m not too disappointed because there was an entrant from Newcastle who failed to qualify because he over tattified his beard by putting baked beans and fag ends in it. So in reality I didn’t finish last. It was his own fault though – there are strict guidelines regarding over-tattification. Had he not smeared the beans and fag ends in his beard he may well have actually won, because his beard was proper tatty.”

Mr Bonkers travelled up to Telford in his mate Gerry’s van. He explained that for the entire drive up there he left the passenger side window open in order to promote beard entanglement.

“Beard entanglement is where the individual beard hairs get windblown, leading to entanglement and even knotting,” Mr Bonkers explained. “It’s very important in this game because the judges place great importance on natural entanglement. You can’t just twist the hairs together manually – the judges would spot that a mile off. We were moderately successful in that regard, but our technique obviously needs working on.”

“I don’t know how I get sucked into this nonsense,” Mr Bonkers’ friend Gerry told us. “I mean, tatty beard contest? It’s just mental. I only tag along because I’ve got nothing better to do, but I really must start using my time more productively. I might join the local operatic society or something. I’m a crap singer but anything’s better than trailing up and down the country doing tatty beard contests.”

Mr Bonkers’ enthusiasm remains undiminished.

“I shall be entering the 12th Annual Ripon Raggy Tache Contest next March,” he told us.

I’m sure we all wish Mr Bonkers every success.

Paddy Berzinski

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Prince Harry Pulled Out Of Battle Of Britain Spitfire Fly-Past Due To Beard

The Prince with that troublesome beard in a pic we nicked off the internet

The Prince with that troublesome beard in a pic we nicked off the internet

It’s just been revealed that Prince Harry has reluctantly had to call off his scheduled participation in the Battle of Britain fly-past commemoration owing to his beard being classified as a health and safety risk. The Prince was expected to fly a Spitfire in the largest collection of Spitfires and Hurricanes to assemble since World War II, but health and safety officials working hand in hand with Palace bigwigs decided that such participation would constitute an unacceptable safety risk.

Spitfire pilot Frank Winfield remarked that it’s a shame that the beardy Prince has been excluded from the fly-past as he’s such a plucky chap, but at the end of the day rules are rules and they’re there to be obeyed, even by royal princes.

H&S expert Dr Hillary Smith reported that his team had carried out a risk assessment earlier today and found that alongside inclement weather conditions the Prince’s beard constituted a major safety hazard.

“We had to postpone the event for a couple of hours because of low cloud cover,” he said. “When you factor in the risk of the Prince’s beard we were left with no alternative other than to pull him out. There’s a significant risk of his beard getting tangled in the propellers, or in the engine itself. It’s disappointing for all involved, but the boy will still be fine to pop up the arctic chasing polar bears or whatever, because up there the only risk his beard is likely to present is a propensity for picking up icicles.”

Palace insiders are reported to be furious that the Prince has ignored all advice and gone ahead with the ‘hipster’ look.

“Them beards is all right if you’re down Shoreditch paying four pound in a trendy pop-up restaurant for a bowl of cornflakes,” one insider, who insisted on anonymity reported. “But them beards is bloody rubbish in vintage World War II aircraft. We told him time and time again that beards and Spitfires are a lethal combination but he wouldn’t have it. He’s a bit headstrong you know. He still won’t put his coat on five minutes before he goes out so he never gets the full benefit. I don’t know, young uns today…what can yer do wiv ’em?”

Paddy Berzinski

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