UKIP voters to grow moustaches in homage to Farage

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen - allegedly.

Moustachioed men make excellent second hand car salesmen – allegedly.

Now that he’s got “our country back” and stepped down as UKIP leader in order to get his life back one might be forgiven for hoping that we’d seen the last of Nigel Farage, but no, just like the proverbial bad penny the obnoxious little twerp keeps on rearing his fugly toad like head and spouting bollocks across the media.

Now he’s even grown a moustache – although God knows why, because he looks an even bigger twonk with a ‘tache – and UKIP voters are following the Fuhrer’s lead in a bid to achieve the suave, debonair WWII fighter pilot look.

Although we think he looks more like the dirty rotten scoundrel he really is. The despicable cad.

“I’m growing a ‘tache like Nigel,” said UKIP voter Eddie Thickneck from Thanet. “And so are all me mates, and I hope all UKIP voters follow suit then we can recognise each other in pubs and that and strike up friendships and stuff with like minded bigots we might not otherwise have known think like what we do.”

“I think growing a ‘tache like Nigel is a great idea showing solidarity among patriotic Brexiteers,” said UKIP voter George Goebbels of Sunderland. “And it’s not sexist at all because all the women who vote UKIP have ‘taches too so it’s a win-win all round.”

The mind boggles…


Local Man comes 7th in Tatty Beard Contest

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Mr Bonkers and his almost prize winning beard

Titchfield resident Clive Bonkers was celebrating this morning after being awarded 7th place at the 6th Annual Telford Tatty Beard Contest. Although he missed out on the prizes Mr Bonkers was delighted by his placing in the contest.

“There were only seven people in my category,” Mr Bonkers explained. “And technically I finished last, although I’m not too disappointed because there was an entrant from Newcastle who failed to qualify because he over tattified his beard by putting baked beans and fag ends in it. So in reality I didn’t finish last. It was his own fault though – there are strict guidelines regarding over-tattification. Had he not smeared the beans and fag ends in his beard he may well have actually won, because his beard was proper tatty.”

Mr Bonkers travelled up to Telford in his mate Gerry’s van. He explained that for the entire drive up there he left the passenger side window open in order to promote beard entanglement.

“Beard entanglement is where the individual beard hairs get windblown, leading to entanglement and even knotting,” Mr Bonkers explained. “It’s very important in this game because the judges place great importance on natural entanglement. You can’t just twist the hairs together manually – the judges would spot that a mile off. We were moderately successful in that regard, but our technique obviously needs working on.”

“I don’t know how I get sucked into this nonsense,” Mr Bonkers’ friend Gerry told us. “I mean, tatty beard contest? It’s just mental. I only tag along because I’ve got nothing better to do, but I really must start using my time more productively. I might join the local operatic society or something. I’m a crap singer but anything’s better than trailing up and down the country doing tatty beard contests.”

Mr Bonkers’ enthusiasm remains undiminished.

“I shall be entering the 12th Annual Ripon Raggy Tache Contest next March,” he told us.

I’m sure we all wish Mr Bonkers every success.

Paddy Berzinski