Nine Hurt In Supermarket Beetroot Rampage

Some chips, made out of beetroot. Or it could be beetroot julienne. We aren't sure.

Some chips, made out of beetroot. Or it could be beetroot julienne. We aren’t sure.

A nationwide police manhunt is under way today following an incident in a Fareham supermarket which left nine people hurt after a man attacked customers at the meat counter by hurling beetroot at them, leaving behind a scene of absolute carnage. The assailant fled the scene on foot and hasn’t been seen since. The entire incident should have been caught on CCTV but the store manager, Walter Uttley explained that somebody had forgotten to plug the equipment in, promising that ‘heads will roll for this’ before the day is out.

Witnesses described the unidentified perpetrator loitering by the meat counter, fingering a huge jar of pickled beetroot slices and generally looking very shifty.

“All of a sudden he seemed to just snap,” shopper Sandra Monkton told our reporter. “He unscrewed the cap and started pelting the meat counter customers with beetroot slices. It was utter carnage. There was beetroot juice everywhere. I like beetroot as much as the next person but the sight of all that beetroot juice made me feel physically sick.”

“I was only queueing up for a nice bit of brisket for a pot-roast and I got hit three or four times,” customer Ron Beastly said. “On the eyebrow, the chest and then a couple of times in the back as I tried to take cover. It didn’t really hurt but I’m covered in beetroot juice.”

The incident only came to an end when quick thinking security guards wobbled to the scene causing the assailant to flee on foot.

“This was obviously a meatist attack carried out by some vegetarian or vegan nutter,” local beat bobby Horatio Nelson told a hastily convened press conference held in the foyer by the disposable charcoal grill sets and the placky garden furniture. “The culprit remains at large and we’re advising the public not to approach anyone who is heavily beetroot stained. We can’t give in to these meatist extremists. Meat is a British staple and a proud part of our heritage – apart from Fridays which tends to be fish and chip day. The sad thing is that this incident could have been avoided if more people carried their own beetroot – that way they could have fought back.”

More beetroot related shenanigans as we get them.

Paddy Berzinski

Share