Nine Hurt In Supermarket Beetroot Rampage

Some chips, made out of beetroot. Or it could be beetroot julienne. We aren't sure.

Some chips, made out of beetroot. Or it could be beetroot julienne. We aren’t sure.

A nationwide police manhunt is under way today following an incident in a Fareham supermarket which left nine people hurt after a man attacked customers at the meat counter by hurling beetroot at them, leaving behind a scene of absolute carnage. The assailant fled the scene on foot and hasn’t been seen since. The entire incident should have been caught on CCTV but the store manager, Walter Uttley explained that somebody had forgotten to plug the equipment in, promising that ‘heads will roll for this’ before the day is out.

Witnesses described the unidentified perpetrator loitering by the meat counter, fingering a huge jar of pickled beetroot slices and generally looking very shifty.

“All of a sudden he seemed to just snap,” shopper Sandra Monkton told our reporter. “He unscrewed the cap and started pelting the meat counter customers with beetroot slices. It was utter carnage. There was beetroot juice everywhere. I like beetroot as much as the next person but the sight of all that beetroot juice made me feel physically sick.”

“I was only queueing up for a nice bit of brisket for a pot-roast and I got hit three or four times,” customer Ron Beastly said. “On the eyebrow, the chest and then a couple of times in the back as I tried to take cover. It didn’t really hurt but I’m covered in beetroot juice.”

The incident only came to an end when quick thinking security guards wobbled to the scene causing the assailant to flee on foot.

“This was obviously a meatist attack carried out by some vegetarian or vegan nutter,” local beat bobby Horatio Nelson told a hastily convened press conference held in the foyer by the disposable charcoal grill sets and the placky garden furniture. “The culprit remains at large and we’re advising the public not to approach anyone who is heavily beetroot stained. We can’t give in to these meatist extremists. Meat is a British staple and a proud part of our heritage – apart from Fridays which tends to be fish and chip day. The sad thing is that this incident could have been avoided if more people carried their own beetroot – that way they could have fought back.”

More beetroot related shenanigans as we get them.

Paddy Berzinski


Why Is The Nation Going Mad For Beetroot?

Britain is mad for beetroot - official

Britain is mad for beetroot – official

It’s the question on everybody’s lips. Why the sudden spike in demand for beetroot? Is it as some say a super-food? Or is it simply that it’s a different colour to most other vegetables apart from red cabbage and red onions? Or could it be something rather more sinister?

“I think it’s probably got something to do with mass migration from Eastern Europe,” beetroot farmer Oliver Tardy told us. “They make a soup out of it called Borscht. They’re mad for it. They pickle it too and put it in cheese sandwiches. It’s as simple as that.”

“I completely disagree with old Lardy Chops,” rival beetroot farmer Stan Lintel argued. “I’ve been selling beetroot at the local market for thirty years, and all my customers are British, although mainly of Irish descent. To say it’s an Eastern European thing is patently ridiculous. My customers tend to slice it, soak it in vinegar for a short time and eat it in sandwiches with a good quality cheese. Either that, or have it in a salad. It’s a wonderful vegetable, tasty, colourful, and it has a superbly agreeable texture. It’s almost al-dente to perfection.”

Two opposing views there, but which one explains the current beetroot craze?

“Neither of them,” our resident nutritionist Dr Ken Mist told us. “It’s because it’s red, it’s messy, it stains everything and kids love it. In actual fact, nobody is going mad for beetroot all of a sudden – that’s just another bullshit Daily Mail story. We’ve always been mad for beetroot. However, eating cheese and beetroot sandwiches in bed of a night time as you’re reading the latest Fifty Shades blockbuster isn’t recommended. The juice gets everywhere, no matter what precautions you take and your bed will invariably look a lot like that horse’s head scene in The Godfather by morning.”

Here at Café Spike we don’t really give a toss either way – we love beetroot we do.

All hail the beetroot!

Martin Shuttlecock


If you really love her – say it with beetroot

It worked wonders for Hugh Grant. (Allegedly)

It worked wonders for Hugh Grant. (Allegedly)

New research emerging from the University of Krakow at Krakow suggests that the real way to a lady’s heart is paved with slices of mildly pickled beetroot. Actually, it’s something we’ve known for years but it’s nice to have it confirmed by the boffins. The evidence is all around us, and it’s real and tangible – not like all that claptrap you read about in the Daily Mail about blueberries and red wine.

“I wasn’t all that keen on my husband of 30 years when we first met,” said Mrs Brenda Huddlestone of Slough yesterday. “I mean, he was all right and that, but I wasn’t exactly swept off my feet. He had a mate who was taller and had more hair who I fantasised about for a bit, but the night he served me a cheddar cheese and pickled beetroot sandwich I was like putty in his hands. I never gave his mate a second thought after that night, and I even went out and bought a dozen large pickling jars for future beetroot exploits. I was well and truly hooked.”

So, what exactly is it about beetroot that makes the ladies go weak at the knees? Opinion is divided, with some putting it down to the colour, some attributing it to the texture, while others argue that it’s all about taste, the pickling vinegar or any other number of things. What we do know is that Hugh Grant only managed to get his leg over with Liz Hurley after proffering her a cheddar and beetroot sandwich, and that Kanye West didn’t cop off with Beyoncé because of his magnetic personality – it was the beetroot wot dunnit.

We asked beetroot aficionado Gerry Chambers of Nottingham why he swears by beetroot in all affairs of the heart.

“It’s good tackle innit,” he told us. “Anyroad ah can’t talk nah cos I’m busy doin’ me new flat up like. Tsk.”

We make no apologies whatsoever for bigging up the beetroot. We’re quite happy to big up the beetroot ’til the cows come home. Because we love beetroot.

All hail the Knights of the Beetroot!

Martin Shuttlecock.