Black people warned – NEVER put your hands up

A black woman, who'll probably get shot soon for having a broken tail light or something equally trivial.

A black woman, who’ll probably get shot soon for having a broken tail light or something equally trivial.

Prominent British academic, Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University has advised all black people that under no circumstances should they ever raise their hands, because the likelihood is that should they do so they’ll probably be shot dead.

“There have been countless fatal shootings by law enforcement officers in the United States recently, involving black men, who when challenged by officers raised their hands to show compliance, and that they were unarmed,” he said. “And the problem with doing this is that to a police officer in contemporary America raised hands and compliance appears to be interpreted as an act of aggression – so they shoot first and ask questions later.

“Equally as dangerous – according to statistics – is lying on the ground twitching insensibly and helpless after being tasered. They’ll shoot you as sure as eggs is eggs. Nobody really understands why cops misinterpret these simple signals as acts of aggression likely to endanger police lives, but they do it all the time.

“There are dozens of video clips out there of people being shot for no apparent reason, people posing no obvious threat whatsoever. Maybe it’s the training, or the cops don’t understand the difference between reaching for your driving licence and reaching for a gun. Or by putting your hands up and not reaching for something while a bunch of cops keep screaming at you to get on the ground.

“There’s obviously something seriously wrong somewhere, but to be honest I haven’t got a clue how to sort it out. Unless black people in America just taser and shoot themselves to cut out the middle man. Or move somewhere where the cops are a bit less trigger happy.”



King Arthur of Arthurian Legend was a black man



So claims Jethro Hoy of Tintagel, Cornwall, following the discovery of an ancient slate carving hitherto hidden among the ruins of a 6th Century Cornish coastal settlement.

“The carving is currently under lock and key in a Hatton Garden safety deposit box,” Mr Hoy told reporters. “Where it should be as safe as houses – in theory at least. It’s probably the most significant archaeological discovery since they found Richard III in a Leicester car park. It’s a discovery that will have profound implications on the entire concept of British nationalism.

“It came as a bit of a shock to me, as did finding out that Jesus Christ probably wasn’t a white bloke with flowing blond tresses. But it’s quite clear from the slate that King Arthur was a black man because he’s got black features and dreadlocks, and furthermore, Queen Guinevere who is also depicted on the slate appears to be of either Chinese or Japanese origin.”

Historians believe that the real King Arthur probably came from the Horn Of Africa – present day Ethiopia, and that he arrived in the UK via Egypt, Rome, Calais and then to Dover. Probably stowing away on a cross channel salt cart.

“There probably weren’t any proper Britons in the Dark Ages,” Mr Hoy opined. “Only a few Roman offcuts and some mental Vikings. Which means that all true Englishmen are black. I don’t expect that the right wing racist nutters will be too pleased about it but the truth is the truth.”

*Cafe Spike offered this story to the DAILY EXPRESS but they politely refused it on the grounds that it was too far fetched, and elected to run yet another story by Nigel Farage blaming migrants for everything instead.

Some people can’t handle the truth.

Paddy Berzinski