How mental would a war with Spain be?

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm.

With all this guff about a war with Spain in defence of Gibraltar we got to thinking: What would happen? How would it play out?

We’ve concluded that such an event would be an absolute farce. Probably beginning with:

Theresa May ordering a seaborne invasion of Spain with a ‘Task Force’ comprising of an aircraft carrier with no planes. The Spanish President responds by appealing for volunteer fighters, but the appeal falls on deaf ears as the only Spaniards with any interest in coming to the cold damp UK are already here working in bars and restaurants. The rest like their sunshine, their senoritas and their La Liga and can’t be arsed.

Arron Banks funds a home defence unit and appoints Nigel Farage Captain of the Walmington on Sea platoon.

Theresa May makes plans for a bowling game with Donald Trump at Plymouth Hoe on D-Day2.0 and promises to wear ‘fuck me’ shoes and test the weight of Trump’s bowls.

In the meantime while the Spanish are watching El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona at the Bernabeu and lobbing pig heads onto the playing area, Britain launches a sneaky full on naval assault in a pincer movement, targeting the Northern port of Bilbao and the Med city of Barcelona.

In London, Spanish waiters retaliate by masturbating into the carbonara sauce of Conservative and UKIP voters.

The Royal Marines land on the beaches near Bilbao but the locals just laugh, befriend them and buy them Margaritas. The assault stalls as three Marine battalions are pinned down on the beach drinking and singing Julio Iglesias songs deep into the night. Fireworks are let off by the locals. Initial concern by the Marines is not in evidence.

“They’re just fireworks,” one says. “Best war I’ve ever been in. Apparently the lassie in the flamenco costume wants to take me for a paella. Wah hey! Get in!”

The Spanish President interrupts all media broadcasting to announce that Neymar’s third goal was a blatant handball after Barcelona’s 6-5 win at the Bernabeu and slams the Brazilian for being a “dirty cheating hijo de puta.” (Son of a bitch.)

Boris Johnson likewise interrupts all UK public broadcasting to complain that the Spanish aren’t taking this seriously.

The Spanish President responds by saying: “How can anybody take a gringo oaf like you seriously? You mop-headed Bullingdon Club muppet?”

Nigel Farage deserts the Walmington on Sea platoon and in defiance of orders commandeers a Piper Comanche light aircraft, which he proceeds to fly to somewhere near Berlin in order to beg for Angela Merkel to intervene and call for a halt to hostilities.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

The SAS storm the beaches at Barcelona but it’s too hot so they doff their uniforms and make camp. Before long they’re approached by hordes of weed dealers, prostitutes, human statues, jugglers and beggars. They all get stoned while they wait for orders. To keep the troops hydrated a convoy of waiters in tuxedos serve our boys absinthe and cocktails and tell the troops they’ll have to up sticks and move if they aren’t dining or have a pre-booked reservation.

One irate SAS officer on Barcelona beach threatens to shoot a particularly aggressive waiter in the head over a tipping argument but the face off is defused by a passing taxi driver who takes the SAS man twelve metres further down the beach for 20 Euro.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall announces that he’s been awarded the Victoria Cross for storming and holding single handedly an ice cream van on Las Ramblas as he penetrated enemy lines. Strangely the Twitter message bearing the announcement was posted from an IP address in Birkenhead.

Nigel Farage cocks up on the map reading and instead of landing in north-eastern Germany actually parachutes into North Korea. He is picked up by Kim Jong Un’s security forces and taken to Sandow Prison where he is interrogated by North Korean agents. Farage offers to treat Kim Jong Un to a black forest gateau, a bottle of Grouse and a bag of Walker’s crisps by way of a bribe. Jong Un refuses.

Angela Merkel tells Britain to stop being stupid. Douglas Carswell announces that he can’t take it any more and he’s moving to North Korea. ISIS release a video stating that they’re totally confused by the whole situation and can’t make head nor tail of it.

Donald Trump flies into Heathrow on Air Force 1 and tells everybody to calm down. “Just calm down,” he says. “Calm down. Right down. All the way down. Get Zen. Do it bigly. Chill the fuck out,” as he waves his tiny hands in soothing gestures.

Vladimir Putin calls Trump a “yellow bellied bastard” on Russian state TV. According to Trump’s spray-tanning technician and chief advisors there isn’t really any point arguing with that, so Trump lets it go. For now… He later calls Putin a “gay Russki poisoner” on Twitter but subsequently announces that his Twitter account has been hacked by a mysterious man in a hat in Manhattan.

Theresa May is absolutely gutted when a glamour photographer – mistaking her for an aspiring model – says that he wouldn’t waste valuable film on her. She retreats to Downing Street and kicks Geoffrey Hammond’s cat on the way in, sparking cries of outrage from animal activists. She will go on to call a halt to hostilities, recall the troops from Spain and cry herself to sleep.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

In an effort to secure Nigel Farage’s release, intrepid Mail reporter Katie Hopkins jets out to Pyongyang but turns back at the airport after discovering that North Korea is chock full of “smelly yellow low rent people.” She is violently sick on the return flight and an emergency landing in order to secure medical attention for the withered hack is only averted when Ms Hopkins reads a comment on Express online where somebody calling himself “RockHardJohnson” from Bromsgrove wrote: “She’s a bit of a pig but I’d give her one. For spite.”

Meanwhile back in Blighty everyone celebrates VE day (Victory over Europe day) by going down the pub and grumbling about gays and Muslims, apart from the Remoaners – who aren’t actually moaning any more, simply making plans to get the hell out while the going’s good – and Jeremy Corbyn calls for an election whereby he has as much chance of winning as he has of backing an athematic in a blow-football game against a free diver.

In North Korea Nigel Farage announces from his prison cell that he’s forming a new party – NKIP – North Korea Independence Party, based on anti-American propaganda and an inherent fear of the Japanese, calling for mass rallies and an end to immigration. Kim Jong Un laughs in his face, telling Farage that no fucker in his or her right mind would want to immigrate to North Korea but tacitly agrees to the proposition.

Arron Banks offers financial backing to NKIP, Douglas Carswell declares his intention to stand as the Member For Pyongyang Western Ward but is bitterly opposed by Paul Nuttall – winner of 8 Victoria Crosses in the Anglo-Spanish War.

Guy Verhofstadt reportedly died laughing and Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen invited Pippa Middleton to be Chief Bridesmaid at their impending nuptials in The Grand Central Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan.

Kim Jong Un advised North Koreans to “Keep Calm And Carry On.”

That’s enough.

ENOUGH!

It couldn’t possibly get any dafter.

Unless you know better…

Paddy Berzinski for www.cafespike.com

Share

Calais Migrants Celebrate Brexit Vote

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

Thousands of migrants in the Jungle refugee camp on the outskirts of Calais have been applauding Britain’s referendum decision to part company with the EU, with parties and celebrations continuing throughout the weekend.

“This is wonderful news for us, and we’d all like to send our heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude to the patriotic British Brexit voters who have furnished us with this fantastic opportunity,” said Mohammed Abassi, a Sudanese Muslim refugee. “In the past we’ve been hassled by the French police, who stop us from accessing the lorries bound for England, but now that Britain wants no truck with the French they’ll just let us do what we want because they just aren’t bothered any more.

“I’m told that getting to England will be much easier now as the frontier will be at Dover. Once we’re in, we’re in and there are many things we can do legally in order to stay. I love Brexit! Three cheers for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson!”

“To be honest, when I voted for Brexit I didn’t envisage this,” said Britain First supporter Mickey “Knuckles” Cummings of Ashford, Kent. “Can somebody explain what all this means? I really ain’t got a clue when it comes to politics. I just like shouting a lot and being in a gang.”

More as we get it.

MS

Share

The Tears Of A Clown – Brexit Voter Feels Conned

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

A prominent circus clown who voted to leave the EU has admitted that he’s been conned after being spoon-fed gallons of absolute hogwash by the likes of Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove. Benny Bukkake from Essex expressed his utter disgust with prominent Brexiteers on the Big Johnson Show on Radio Rayleigh this morning. [Read more…]

Share

UKIP Voters More Bewildered Than Ever

Who's the Daddy now Nigel?

Who’s the Daddy now Nigel?

UKIP voters have never exactly been the sharpest suits on the rack, and now Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet’s mobility scooter mafia are even more bewildered as Nigel the idle idol gets pushed ever further into the background by the Westminster heavy mob.

It’s all very confusing for the terminally bewildered average UKIP voting intellectual featherweight.

Who to support now?

George Galloway?

A hard line left winger whose cat impressions on Celebrity Big Brother attracted more attention than anything he ever said in the house. The man who consorted with Gaddafi, Hamas, Hezbollah and pandered for the Muslim vote in Bradford under the Respect banner standing hand in hand with Nigel the patriot?

What the hell is going on?

Or Boris Johnson?

The Bullingdon Boy, David Cameron’s one-time bessie mate who might really be a Tory plant, because he’s certainly making ole Mustard Pants appear surplus to requirements?

All very confusing for the kippers.

Who don’t seem to know whether to fart, shit or pen an extremely angry letter to the DAILY EXPRESS.

Bless.

Martin Shuttlecock

Share

Cameron Stitched Up Like A Kipper As Boris Backs Brexit

Hey Up Lads - The Daggers Are Out

Hey Up Lads – The Daggers Are Out

With Boris Johnson and Iain Duncan Smith electing to go against the Prime Minister by backing a Brexit from the European Union, the question arises: Is this really all about Europe or is it another Conservative power play?

Even among his own hardcore supporters David Cameron is widely regarded as the worst Prime Minister in history, so it’s ironic that two of his high profile political “allies” are taking advantage of the opportunity to do to him what he allegedly did to that pig’s head.

It’s hard to sympathise with the fat faced idiot, so we aren’t even going to try. We’re just going to sit back and enjoy the fireworks as these jumped-up public school buffoons self-destruct and their sadistic party descends into chaos and farce. What’s annoying about this is that the people governing us are so self-absorbed and egotistical that they’re actually hijacking the single most important test of public opinion in decades – the great EU debate, in order to play their stupid games.

That fact alone speaks volumes about our so-called leaders.

Were it not so important it would be hysterically funny.

On the one hand we have an abject failure of a Prime Minister and his equally odious failed Chancellor advising us to remain in the EU, whilst on the other hand you have a failed Minister for Work and Pensions who has mercilessly pummelled the sick and the disadvantaged pairing up with the political caricature that is Boris “Born In The USA” Johnson. (Apologies to the Springsteen chap.)

And that’s before we even get to the comedy circus that sees the alliance of Nigel Farage and George Galloway.

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!” – The Carry On film line seems to sum up Cameron’s predicament perfectly.

We can only hope that every bastard one of them pushes the self destruct button, thus allowing somebody to gain power who actually knows what they’re doing.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike. (We have a Facebook page but not many people like us. We don’t mind – we just do what we do.)

Share