“What is Brexit and what is going to happen now that Britain has voted to LEAVE the EU?” – Daily Express, One Year On

It's all bollocks

It’s all bollocks

Not our headline but a quote from the Daily Express website today. The irony is obvious considering that the Express has been waving the Brexit flag for years and slagging the EU off at every available opportunity with a barrage of unfounded accusations. This from a “reputable” news outlet (Questionable at best) that tried to pin the blame for the Grenfell Tower atrocity on the EU.

With all due disrespect, it’s a bit fucking late to be telling your bottom-feeding readers that Brexit isn’t actually such a good thing at all, that it’s going to cost us a fortune and that we’d have been better off not touching the Express’s flagship “policy” with a bargepole. What’s good for Mr Desmond isn’t necessarily good for the morons who have voraciously devoured all the bollocks it’s printed over the years.

Quelle surprise!

Still, if we’re to believe any of their bollocks it won’t be so bad after all. We’ll all be wiped out by a rogue asteroid, taken over by the Lizard People or wiped out by some cataclysmic weather event before the full effects of a cliff edge Brexit kick in.

So that’s all right then.

As you were…

Paddy Berzinski

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How mental would a war with Spain be?

The calm before the storm.

The calm before the storm.

With all this guff about a war with Spain in defence of Gibraltar we got to thinking: What would happen? How would it play out?

We’ve concluded that such an event would be an absolute farce. Probably beginning with:

Theresa May ordering a seaborne invasion of Spain with a ‘Task Force’ comprising of an aircraft carrier with no planes. The Spanish President responds by appealing for volunteer fighters, but the appeal falls on deaf ears as the only Spaniards with any interest in coming to the cold damp UK are already here working in bars and restaurants. The rest like their sunshine, their senoritas and their La Liga and can’t be arsed.

Arron Banks funds a home defence unit and appoints Nigel Farage Captain of the Walmington on Sea platoon.

Theresa May makes plans for a bowling game with Donald Trump at Plymouth Hoe on D-Day2.0 and promises to wear ‘fuck me’ shoes and test the weight of Trump’s bowls.

In the meantime while the Spanish are watching El Clasico between Real Madrid and Barcelona at the Bernabeu and lobbing pig heads onto the playing area, Britain launches a sneaky full on naval assault in a pincer movement, targeting the Northern port of Bilbao and the Med city of Barcelona.

In London, Spanish waiters retaliate by masturbating into the carbonara sauce of Conservative and UKIP voters.

The Royal Marines land on the beaches near Bilbao but the locals just laugh, befriend them and buy them Margaritas. The assault stalls as three Marine battalions are pinned down on the beach drinking and singing Julio Iglesias songs deep into the night. Fireworks are let off by the locals. Initial concern by the Marines is not in evidence.

“They’re just fireworks,” one says. “Best war I’ve ever been in. Apparently the lassie in the flamenco costume wants to take me for a paella. Wah hey! Get in!”

The Spanish President interrupts all media broadcasting to announce that Neymar’s third goal was a blatant handball after Barcelona’s 6-5 win at the Bernabeu and slams the Brazilian for being a “dirty cheating hijo de puta.” (Son of a bitch.)

Boris Johnson likewise interrupts all UK public broadcasting to complain that the Spanish aren’t taking this seriously.

The Spanish President responds by saying: “How can anybody take a gringo oaf like you seriously? You mop-headed Bullingdon Club muppet?”

Nigel Farage deserts the Walmington on Sea platoon and in defiance of orders commandeers a Piper Comanche light aircraft, which he proceeds to fly to somewhere near Berlin in order to beg for Angela Merkel to intervene and call for a halt to hostilities.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

Theresa May would probably get very shouty and sweary.

The SAS storm the beaches at Barcelona but it’s too hot so they doff their uniforms and make camp. Before long they’re approached by hordes of weed dealers, prostitutes, human statues, jugglers and beggars. They all get stoned while they wait for orders. To keep the troops hydrated a convoy of waiters in tuxedos serve our boys absinthe and cocktails and tell the troops they’ll have to up sticks and move if they aren’t dining or have a pre-booked reservation.

One irate SAS officer on Barcelona beach threatens to shoot a particularly aggressive waiter in the head over a tipping argument but the face off is defused by a passing taxi driver who takes the SAS man twelve metres further down the beach for 20 Euro.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall announces that he’s been awarded the Victoria Cross for storming and holding single handedly an ice cream van on Las Ramblas as he penetrated enemy lines. Strangely the Twitter message bearing the announcement was posted from an IP address in Birkenhead.

Nigel Farage cocks up on the map reading and instead of landing in north-eastern Germany actually parachutes into North Korea. He is picked up by Kim Jong Un’s security forces and taken to Sandow Prison where he is interrogated by North Korean agents. Farage offers to treat Kim Jong Un to a black forest gateau, a bottle of Grouse and a bag of Walker’s crisps by way of a bribe. Jong Un refuses.

Angela Merkel tells Britain to stop being stupid. Douglas Carswell announces that he can’t take it any more and he’s moving to North Korea. ISIS release a video stating that they’re totally confused by the whole situation and can’t make head nor tail of it.

Donald Trump flies into Heathrow on Air Force 1 and tells everybody to calm down. “Just calm down,” he says. “Calm down. Right down. All the way down. Get Zen. Do it bigly. Chill the fuck out,” as he waves his tiny hands in soothing gestures.

Vladimir Putin calls Trump a “yellow bellied bastard” on Russian state TV. According to Trump’s spray-tanning technician and chief advisors there isn’t really any point arguing with that, so Trump lets it go. For now… He later calls Putin a “gay Russki poisoner” on Twitter but subsequently announces that his Twitter account has been hacked by a mysterious man in a hat in Manhattan.

Theresa May is absolutely gutted when a glamour photographer – mistaking her for an aspiring model – says that he wouldn’t waste valuable film on her. She retreats to Downing Street and kicks Geoffrey Hammond’s cat on the way in, sparking cries of outrage from animal activists. She will go on to call a halt to hostilities, recall the troops from Spain and cry herself to sleep.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

Patriotic UKIP supporters would probably be cheering our boys on from the safety of their own living rooms.

In an effort to secure Nigel Farage’s release, intrepid Mail reporter Katie Hopkins jets out to Pyongyang but turns back at the airport after discovering that North Korea is chock full of “smelly yellow low rent people.” She is violently sick on the return flight and an emergency landing in order to secure medical attention for the withered hack is only averted when Ms Hopkins reads a comment on Express online where somebody calling himself “RockHardJohnson” from Bromsgrove wrote: “She’s a bit of a pig but I’d give her one. For spite.”

Meanwhile back in Blighty everyone celebrates VE day (Victory over Europe day) by going down the pub and grumbling about gays and Muslims, apart from the Remoaners – who aren’t actually moaning any more, simply making plans to get the hell out while the going’s good – and Jeremy Corbyn calls for an election whereby he has as much chance of winning as he has of backing an athematic in a blow-football game against a free diver.

In North Korea Nigel Farage announces from his prison cell that he’s forming a new party – NKIP – North Korea Independence Party, based on anti-American propaganda and an inherent fear of the Japanese, calling for mass rallies and an end to immigration. Kim Jong Un laughs in his face, telling Farage that no fucker in his or her right mind would want to immigrate to North Korea but tacitly agrees to the proposition.

Arron Banks offers financial backing to NKIP, Douglas Carswell declares his intention to stand as the Member For Pyongyang Western Ward but is bitterly opposed by Paul Nuttall – winner of 8 Victoria Crosses in the Anglo-Spanish War.

Guy Verhofstadt reportedly died laughing and Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen invited Pippa Middleton to be Chief Bridesmaid at their impending nuptials in The Grand Central Mosque in Karachi, Pakistan.

Kim Jong Un advised North Koreans to “Keep Calm And Carry On.”

That’s enough.

ENOUGH!

It couldn’t possibly get any dafter.

Unless you know better…

Paddy Berzinski for www.cafespike.com

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Brexit voters ARE old racist xenophobic coffin dodging wankers – you read it here first

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

A Brexit voter pictured possibly giving his ex a hand job in some hospital or other.

Let’s just take a moment to consider the motivation of Brexit voters, [Read more…]

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Where’s your poppy Farage?

You forgot the poppy - dickhead!

You forgot the poppy – dickhead!

It seems that Nigel Farage – the thinking man’s patriot – made a monumental cock up as he blagged his way into a meeting with US President-Elect Donald Trump, by forgetting to sport a poppy on remembrance day.

Whilst those who Farage and his followers refer to as ‘traitors,’ ‘the elite,’ ‘lefty luvvies’ and ‘cultural Marxists,’ such as Cameron, Blair, Corbyn and millions of ordinary Britons proudly sported the poppy as a symbol of remembrance, respect and gratitude, it would appear that Farage couldn’t be arsed with any of that patriotic bollocks because he was too busy brown nosing the first orange skinned president in US history.

It appears that the man of the people is more interested in schlepping around trying to line his own poxy pockets than in paying respect to the war dead.

More of a loathsome horrible little self-serving prick than a patriot then.

But then we always knew that.

MS for cafespike.com

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99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”

“I HAVEN’T A CLUE WHAT THE HELL I’M TALKING ABOUT AT THE BEST OF TIMES,” said DE commenter CAPSLOCK. “BUT WE SHOULD KILL EVERYBODY WHO DOESN’T AGREE WITH ME – ESPECIALLY THE DARKIES AND THE QUEERS.”

All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Theresa May to go for a plucky Brexit

Theresa May - knows everything there is to know about shoes.

Theresa May – knows everything there is to know about shoes.

As the debate rages over whether Britain will take the ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ Brexit route it has emerged that in typically British fashion Theresa May appears to have plumped for a ‘plucky’ Brexit.

In true British spirit, a plucky Brexit will involve a great deal of posturing, lots of head shaking, sharp intakes of breath, lashings of knowing glances, a bit of shouting, much wringing of hands, a multitude of platitudes and the laying on thick of gallons of patronising guff.

“What it means basically is that we’ll be half way in and half way out,” a Downing Street source revealed. “We’ve based our strategy on the old song about the Grand Old Duke of York, whose ten thousand men when they were up were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up they were neither up nor down.

“That should be enough to baffle the Europeans so they haven’t a clue what’s happening either, satisfy the Brexiters who hadn’t got a clue what they were really voting for anyway, and appease the remainers who’d moan whatever happened.

“This way we get the best of both worlds – if the EU descends into meltdown we just tell them that we told them we were leaving anyway, and if our economy tanks we go back to the EU and just act like nothing happened. The PM’s a shrewd operator and she’s got an amazing shoe collection. She knows what she’s doing.

“Especially when it comes to shoes…”

More as we get it.

BMM

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Nigel Farage denies giving Donald Trump a hand job

Ooh Nigel baby! You naughty Brexiteer!

Ooh Nigel baby! You naughty Brexiteer!

Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage today denied reports that he’d given Donald Trump a hand job when the pair shared a stage in Alabama during the Republican presidential campaign. When Cafe Spike contacted Mr Farage’s agent for comment we were told:

“You’re too idiotic for words. Piss off and don’t ring this office again or we’ll get the police on you.”

Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock admitted at gunpoint that he was probably mistaken about the hand job, but in mitigation stated that the pair seemed to be really enjoying each other’s company.

“The only time you get two pricks standing erect like that on the internet is on gay porn websites,” he stated.

More as it comes in.

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Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website www.cafespike.com today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski

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Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.

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Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for cafespike.com

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