Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for


Learn To Speak Spanish Or Stay At Home Warning To Brits

Boozed up Brits not wanted in Spain.

Boozed up Brits not wanted in Spain.

Madrid – The Spanish government today issued a warning to British visitors to learn the Spanish language or risk being turned away at points of entry, as it debated sanctions against the United Kingdom following last week’s vote to leave the European Union.

“We’ve been subjected to hordes of uncouth, drunken British thugs for far too long,” Spanish Foreign Minister Señor Hijo DePuta warned. “And we aren’t taking it any more.

“We don’t want the British at all, unless they learn our language. Patriotic Spaniards are fed up to the back teeth of these idiots who think that shouting in a loud voice and pointing at things randomly somehow makes them comprehensible. And don’t even get me started on their alcohol fuelled antics – they’re a disgrace, performing lewd sex acts, being sick in the streets before collapsing in a pool of their own urine. We’re a predominantly Catholic country and we’re not having it.

“Ideally, we’d rather not have them at all, but shutting out the Neanderthal knuckle draggers who are too stupid to learn another language is a start. The expats – as you describe them; we call them migrants – are just as bad, coming over here for the weather and the free health care. We’ve had a belly full of the British – especially the English. They’re a bunch of bad mannered, foul mouthed drunken louts. Let the English pigs go elsewhere because we don’t want them. We’re taking our country back, and it’s not before time.”

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike


Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.


Nigel Farage’s Gypsy Grandmother Put A Curse On The England Football Team

This might be her - it might not. Who knows?

This might be her – it might not. Who knows?

This has got to be our weirdest story of the week, but we are assured by a bloke down the pub that it’s all true.

It appears that in 1966 Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother was having an affair with a German potter named Otto; contemporaries say (apparently) that she was thoroughly smitten, and that the feeling was reciprocal.

Otto was a great football fan and a fanatical follower of the German national team, and apparently he freaked out when the Russian linesman awarded a goal for Geoff Hurst’s off the crossbar shot during extra time which was England’s third and Hurst’s second of the day.

Otto went mad, shrieking and wailing until Hurst smashed the decisive fourth goal past Tilkowski for his hat trick, at which point Otto commenced smashing up the gypsy caravan which the couple called home.

In response, Nigel Farage’s gypsy grandmother laid a curse on the England football team which endures to this day, a curse which she steadfastly refuses to lift – even when approached by a tearful Glen Hoddle.

Not only that – she further cursed England by inflicting young Nigel on us – saying that he’s a bit like Damian out of The Omen and that he’ll destroy England forever.

Of course we can’t swear that it’s true, but it does make for interesting reading if you’ve nothing better to do.

Martin Shuttlecock


Merkel Orders Britain To Stop Making Sausages In Brexit Backlash

No sausage, no bacon - project fear becomes a hellish reality.

No sausage, no bacon – project fear becomes a hellish reality.

Through the auspices of the EU, German leader Angela Merkel has demanded that British sausage makers either stop producing sausages forthwith or pay a per sausage licence fee to the German government of approximately £1.50 per sausage to the German government.

“Sausages are a German innovation,” said German MEP Herr Willy Flicka. “It is only right and correct that Britain pay a licence fee of £1.50 per sausage to the fatherland. When you were our friends before the Brexit vote – apart from that twat Farage – we were happy to let you make sausages as a gesture of our good will. But now you have made it abundantly clear that you don’t like us, so you can pay the licence fee, you Fockers.”

“This is a disaster for British sausage manufacturers,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’ll mean the price of a sausage sandwich or a hot dog will go up to around £10 a throw. It’s not good news for butchers or sausage manufacturers, and you can kiss your Cumberlands and your Lincs goodbye. As far as sausages go it’s game over. And all because we voted Brexit. It’s a crying shame really, but – on a positive note – at least the Germans haven’t invaded Poland yet.”

More on the Full English Breakfast crisis as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock


Ten Million Strong Migrant Army To Storm UK This Summer

We're on our way to England - we shall not be moved!

We’re on our way to England – we shall not be moved!

Thanks to the Brexit vote in the EU referendum, experts are predicting that ten million migrants are set to land on our shores this summer.

“They’ll be arriving from just about everywhere,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’s just the way things work in the world these days. All the people who were thinking about coming to the UK have had their minds made up for them by the Brexit vote, and they’ll grasp the opportunity to come here while we’re still in the EU and they still have a chance.

“Without a shadow of a doubt the Brexit vote will only result in Britain being swamped, and the rest of Europe won’t do so much as raise a finger to stop them. The bottom line is that Britain has been largely unaffected by migrants from outside the EU, but the Brexit vote has opened the floodgates.

“It’s ironic that the Brexit vote – taken with the intention of keeping these people away from the UK – has had the opposite effect. It’s proving to be a magnet, even for many millions who weren’t really serious about coming here anyway. Our research demonstrates conclusively that millions are on their way here to beat the Brexit deadline.

“Nigel Farage must feel like a bit of a monkey’s arse really. He’s sparked a global financial meltdown, torn Britain apart and initiated a migrant crisis of even bigger than biblical proportions.

“And Britain First will be really pissed off when Jayda Fransen starts wearing a burka as a fashion statement and runs off with an athletic looking sub-Saharan migrant named Ali.

“Sometimes you just have to wonder what goes on in people’s heads.”

* In related news the Daily Express denied allegations of scaremongering over the migrant crisis, single mothers on benefits and benefit scroungers and said it’s relocating to Mumbai.

“It seems people have sussed us out now it’s all too late,” said a DE hack wearing a white raincoat with snot stained sleeves and dried vomit all down the front. “I’m not taking the blame for this mess. I’ll get lynched if I stay here. I’m off to Argentina. Bollocks to Richard Desmond.”

More as we get it.



Britain Faces Big Bacon Crisis As Danes Ban Exports In Brexit Backlash

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it'll be history. The Classic Full English.

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it’ll be history. The Classic Full English.

Whilst it was inevitable that there would be a backlash from Europe over Britain’s decision to leave the EU, nobody stopped to consider that the classic ‘Full English Breakfast’ might be the first move in a war of attrition as Denmark slapped a ban on all exports of bacon to the UK. In a shock move, the Danish Food and Agriculture Minister announced in Copenhagen today that with immediate effect, all exports of bacon and allied products to the UK will be suspended.

“The British have been doing a lot of fighting talk of late,” Peppa Schnitzel told the Danish parliament. “They’ve called us all many bad things, so we will not only be saving our bacon, we’ll be keeping it. They are not having any more from us. It serves the selfish pigs right. A Full English cannot possibly be a Full English without bacon.”

Industry experts here in the UK say that the Danish move will have a devastating effect on national morale, even though Ireland – our second major bacon provider hasn’t announced a similar retaliatory move. Yet…

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University responded that the Danish bacon blockade will result in the price of a single rasher of smoked back or streaky bacon to rise to £9.00 as things stand.

“In reality it’ll mean the price of a bacon sandwich purchased in a cafe or at a food van will go up to around £40,” Professor Mist said. “And if the Irish adopt a similar tactic then bacon will become completely unaffordable, even if you can get your hands on a black market supply. It’ll be more expensive than saffron. It’s all quite tragic really.”

We'll never see the like again.

We’ll never see the like again.

Soon to be ex-Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be “gutted” by the news – being a huge lover of all things pork and bacon related – but insisted it isn’t his fault.

“Let me be perfectly clear on this,” he said. “It isn’t my fault. I asked the public to vote remain but they didn’t. Everybody hates me now.”

More as it comes in.

Martin Shuttlecock


Busty Polish Migrant Slams Brexit Voters Hypocrisy

She just doesn't understand it all.

She just doesn’t understand it all.

Polish sex industry worker Kataryna Zaberze today lashed out at Brexit voters, labelling them as “stupid and hypocritical.”

Ms Zaberze, who lives in a £2.4 million Chelsea townhouse made no bones about her feelings on migrant hating Brits.

“I said they were stupid and hypocritical and I stand by that,” she said today. “They all claim to hate migrants yet whenever I go to a pub or a club or even out shopping at Waitrose they’re all over me like rash. What is wrong with these people? Usually they are telling me that they despise migrants and want them all sent home, but for some reason they make an exception for me. I just don’t understand that mentality at all.

“Quite frankly nor do I understand why they never seem to be able to look me straight in the eye. They just gawp at my cleavage and I find that very weird and a little bit disconcerting.”

More migrant based malarkey as we get it.



Calais Migrants Celebrate Brexit Vote

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

This man denied being a Daily Express Reader

Thousands of migrants in the Jungle refugee camp on the outskirts of Calais have been applauding Britain’s referendum decision to part company with the EU, with parties and celebrations continuing throughout the weekend.

“This is wonderful news for us, and we’d all like to send our heartfelt thanks and eternal gratitude to the patriotic British Brexit voters who have furnished us with this fantastic opportunity,” said Mohammed Abassi, a Sudanese Muslim refugee. “In the past we’ve been hassled by the French police, who stop us from accessing the lorries bound for England, but now that Britain wants no truck with the French they’ll just let us do what we want because they just aren’t bothered any more.

“I’m told that getting to England will be much easier now as the frontier will be at Dover. Once we’re in, we’re in and there are many things we can do legally in order to stay. I love Brexit! Three cheers for Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson!”

“To be honest, when I voted for Brexit I didn’t envisage this,” said Britain First supporter Mickey “Knuckles” Cummings of Ashford, Kent. “Can somebody explain what all this means? I really ain’t got a clue when it comes to politics. I just like shouting a lot and being in a gang.”

More as we get it.



The Tears Of A Clown – Brexit Voter Feels Conned

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

A prominent circus clown who voted to leave the EU has admitted that he’s been conned after being spoon-fed gallons of absolute hogwash by the likes of Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove. Benny Bukkake from Essex expressed his utter disgust with prominent Brexiteers on the Big Johnson Show on Radio Rayleigh this morning. [Read more…]