Theresa May to go for a plucky Brexit

Theresa May - knows everything there is to know about shoes.

Theresa May – knows everything there is to know about shoes.

As the debate rages over whether Britain will take the ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ Brexit route it has emerged that in typically British fashion Theresa May appears to have plumped for a ‘plucky’ Brexit.

In true British spirit, a plucky Brexit will involve a great deal of posturing, lots of head shaking, sharp intakes of breath, lashings of knowing glances, a bit of shouting, much wringing of hands, a multitude of platitudes and the laying on thick of gallons of patronising guff.

“What it means basically is that we’ll be half way in and half way out,” a Downing Street source revealed. “We’ve based our strategy on the old song about the Grand Old Duke of York, whose ten thousand men when they were up were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up they were neither up nor down.

“That should be enough to baffle the Europeans so they haven’t a clue what’s happening either, satisfy the Brexiters who hadn’t got a clue what they were really voting for anyway, and appease the remainers who’d moan whatever happened.

“This way we get the best of both worlds – if the EU descends into meltdown we just tell them that we told them we were leaving anyway, and if our economy tanks we go back to the EU and just act like nothing happened. The PM’s a shrewd operator and she’s got an amazing shoe collection. She knows what she’s doing.

“Especially when it comes to shoes…”

More as we get it.

BMM

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Blackpool deckchair man refuses to let summer go

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

Lenny catches some rays and lots of raindrops.

As most Brits reluctantly accepted that summer is over by donning jackets and coats as the mercury dropped, one man made a gallant if somewhat misguided gesture of defiance by sitting on a deckchair on Blackpool beach, flatly refusing to let summer go.

Stubbornly parked on his deckchair by the North Pier, local man Lenny Austin, known by his friends as ‘Loopy Lenny,’ or ‘Lenny the Loon’ told onlookers that as far as he’s concerned summer isn’t over yet.

Indeed, as the rain spattered steadily and depressingly down, Loopy Lenny tried as best he could to put a brave face on things but even he drew the line when offered an ice cream cornet by a generous passer by.

“Too cold,” he said, politely declining the proffered cornet. Adding: “I know the nights are drawing in and the temperature is dropping, but my wife left me in March, the dog died of distemper in April, I lost my job, my house and had my car repossessed. It’s been a crap year for me all in all, and the decent summer weather was the only good thing going on in my life. I’ll be buggered if I’m letting it go without a fight.”

We get you Lenny.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

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Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.

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Goodbye My England

Are we mental?

Are we mental?

If there’s one thing that the EU referendum has taught me, it’s that the England, the Britain I know and love is lost. Waking up and going to work on a beautiful summer morning something fundamentally changed. We elected democratically to leave the European Union – there’s no arguing with the democratic process – the collective will of the people should always be respected.

Our Prime Minister resigned – no sad loss in my book because Mr Cameron is the worst Prime Minister ever and has been a monumental flop, along with his cohorts, Gideon Osborne and Michael Gove – but on a broader scale it’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Good riddance to Cameron, Osborne and their ilk.

But there will be a price to pay. As a net contributor to the EU, the remaining countries aren’t going to take this lying down. There will be repercussions. Whether it will all be storm in a teacup or whether it will be a cataclysmic event remains to be seen.

Whatever – the England and Britain that I’ve always loved and felt proud of has become a significantly different animal. We aren’t a united country any more. Like America we’ve become obsessed by greed and personal advancement and to hell with others.

That isn’t my England. My England and my ancestors fought for freedom and equality. Our ancestors laid down their lives so we can live free, and we’ve kicked them square in the face by turning on their sacrifices.

Is this what those people died for? A self obsessed racist xenophobic nation who detest the victims of war and conflict that we were instrumental in creating?

Pull up the ladder, I’m all right Jack.

That isn’t my England.

I’ll be applying for my Irish citizenship and leaving this nest of vipers.

I’m out of here.

You can have your Boris Johnson and your Nigel Farage and your consecutive Conservative governments who will – as they are doing at this moment – strip you of your humanity and dignity.

It’s game over for England. The Brexiters have their wish and they don’t seem to have a clue how to deal with it.

Where will it all end?

I’m not planning on seeing where it goes. I loved my England, my Britain, loved it with all my heart, but no more.

Take it – you’re welcome to whatever’s left.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike

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Stuff Your Referendum – Says Local Man

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

Local man and part-time website editor Martin Shuttlecock told both Brexit and Remain campaigners to: “Stuff your referendum up your khyber.”

The astonishing outburst occurred as canvassers simultaneously turned up at Shuttlecock’s front door brandishing leaflets and all manner of scare stories and worst case scenarios .

“I’m not interested in any of it any more,” he said later. “I’m damn well sick to the back teeth of the lot of it. It doesn’t matter which way you vote because you just can’t win. Cameron and Osborne spearheading the remain camp and Boris, Farage and Duncan Smith doing the Brexit thing…

“They’re all lying sadistic butchers. How can anyone believe any of them?

“It’s like being offered a choice between hanging and the electric chair.

“I won’t even bother to vote – I’m just going to get a few beers in instead and binge-watch a box set of ‘Walking Dead’ to cheer myself up.”

The referendum will be held on 23rd June.

UKIP supporters will self destruct as soon as the result is announced.

Paddy Berzinski

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Britain to ban cats in order to appease migrants

What you lookin' at fool?

What you lookin’ at fool?

Parliament is said to be about to pass emergency legislation banning all cats – no matter how cute or annoying – in order to appease Muslim migrants, according to a Westminster insider.

“The migrants can’t be doing with cats,” the insider told us. “So it just makes sense that cats have to go. Cats are a nuisance anyway, doing their business in people’s plant pots and killing birds all the time. Just think of it as positive cultural enrichment.”

But not everyone was easily swayed.

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” cat lover Tabby Tortoiseshell said. “There’s something sinister going on here for sure. Does nobody find it a little strange that among the hundreds of thousands of migrants flooding Europe not a single one appears to have a cat? Surely that in itself is a statistical impossibility? I reckon it’s a government conspiracy, probably orchestrated by that Duncan Smith wanker – he hates disabled people with a vengeance so it makes perfect sense for him to support a cat ban.”

But it isn’t all bad news, even if it does turn out to be true.

“I think a cat ban is a great idea,” said Roland Mighty, CEO of the Rats And Mice Protection League. “It’s the best news we’ve had for ages. It’ll be one less thing for our rodent cousins to be afraid of. Rats and mice disappear all the time but nobody puts ‘Lost’ posters on lamp-posts for them.”

Ted Pemberton

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Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike

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Has England Sold Its Soul To The Devil?

Once Upon A Time We All Worked Together As A Team

Once Upon A Time We All Worked Together As A Team

So, the election results are in, and as Mr Cameron himself might say, the electorate have sent out a clear message to our political leaders that we want the next five years to be presided over by the Conservative party. True – not everybody wants it, but the geopolitical minority obviously do. That’s democracy in action.

For the less well off, the elderly the sick, those who care about our NHS, those on low wages and zero hours contracts it maybe isn’t such an enthralling prospect. It’s another five years of living on the edge, food banks, insecure low-paying jobs, praying that you don’t ever get sick, and sort of wondering where all these people actually are who you read about in the Daily Mail? You know the ones – the ones the Sun calls ‘benefit scroungers,’ the ones who ‘come over here taking our jobs’ and walking out of benefit offices with the keys to a posh house in Mayfair and pockets stuffed with cash? The ones with the big plasma screen TVs who drive brand new BMWs, holiday in the Caribbean and dine out at Michelin starred restaurants?

I’ve never known anybody on benefits who lives like that. And I’ve known a lot of people who survive on benefits; strangely enough, none of them were exactly living the high life.

The less well off in our society – including the millions engaged in low-paid employment are pretty nervous right now. Given that the coalition government have absolutely hammered the most vulnerable in society, and with a promise of even greater austerity to come, their concerns must be taken seriously. Nick Clegg, the former Deputy PM and Lib-Dem leader has said that the influence of his party in its coalition role reined the Conservatives in to some extent, preventing them from going all-out psycho on the poor. Now that restraint has been removed and the Tories have a free hand.

Not much more than a century ago, when the British Empire was the most powerful in the world, when the rich lived in palatial luxury, the poor made the money – in the factories, in the shipyards, in the steelworks, down the coal mines, and for their labour they were worked slowly to death in appalling conditions, crowded into ramshackle slums and left to their own devices. If you didn’t work you didn’t eat, if you got sick you died. Happened every day. Most people couldn’t read or write. Travel was unheard of. People lived and died in the same small area and rarely went anywhere other than home or to work. Some joined the army, fighting for the Empire. Women were second class citizens. Life was brutal. Life was short and generally extremely unpleasant.

It was these people who were sacrificed on the fields of Flanders, these people who shed their blood, the same people who manned the factories, the mills and the pits who fought the enemy and were regarded as expendable.

Things changed. It wasn’t a simple process – this isn’t intended to be a historical document, merely a fleeting overview. Things changed because people began to care about each other, they formed alliances and fought a new enemy – oppression. The trades union movement was born – bringing equality and fairness to millions, education and womens’ rights to vote were fought for, and the crowning glory was that the National Health Service was created.

It must have seemed like Utopia – fairness at work, dignity, a sense of pride and the envy of the world – the NHS.

Consecutive governments – both Labour and Tory – have fought tooth and nail since the 1960s to either claw back, or completely remove these freedoms, and we the British public have not only allowed them to do this – we’ve given them our blessing, patted them on the back and applauded them. Something like leaving everything you’ve ever earned to your executioner because you think he’s doing a damned good job.

And before you start – no this is not some left wing socialist rant. I just want to know why we don’t seem to care about our fellow man any more. It’s a simple enough ask. We used to pride ourselves on our community and national spirit, we used to support our families, our mates and their families, our workmates, we used to have compassion, not just for our own people, for any group of people who were having a hard time. We used to send food to famine victims, help to the victims of natural disasters, and sometimes we still do back up a worthy cause but it appears to be a dying trait of our national psyche.

What happened to us? At which point did we actually stop giving a fuck about anyone else?

I spend quite a bit of time online, and sometimes it can be pretty disquieting. On the one hand you get people purring over cuddly animal stuff on Facebook, and you get people starting petitions because somebody shot a cat with a bow and arrow, or outraged because somebody dropped the ‘F’ word (The word is fuck.) on a TV newscast, and on the other hand you get people advocating gunboats in the Mediterranean and being applauded for it, and a lunatic fringe who want to pull us out of the EU because they’re afraid of Muslims. (You really couldn’t make this shit up.)

Are these people the new voice of Britain? Are these the same self-righteous people who voted in a government which has already started the creeping privatisation of the NHS? The government who vow to recoup billions from the most vulnerable in society whilst they turn a blind eye to their tax avoiding chums and the zero tax paying multinational corporations? Is this what the new voice of Britain voted for? Among a raft of equally nasty measures perpetrated by a government which will clearly only benefit the rich – who have got considerably richer as the poor die. Is this what we really want?

It must be. We voted for it. That’s democracy – even if we do have the worst performing government in a century? A government which presides over the biggest rich/poor gap since Victorian times? How did that happen?

For one thing – Rupert Murdoch and his insidious media empire. Aided and abetted by the Telegraph and the Mail. They warned of chaos if Miliband got into power and allied himself with the SNP, which seems a trifle hypocritical considering that there’s been chaos since 2010 and nobody has been effective in dealing with it. The Sun happily publishes xenophobic rants by middle aged women who ought to know better (Katie Hopkins) whilst the Express donates to UKIP, supporting its extreme right wing agenda – at the same time as the Mail, once UKIP friendly – suddenly coming to regard UKIP as a threat to the Conservative vote, omits to mention Nigel Farage at all in the days running up to the election.

UKIP were dealt a bad hand in reality – even though they shook up the mainstream parties with their xenophobic stance to a degree whereby immigration suddenly leapt up the agenda, second only to the economy. UKIP became cannon fodder because they threatened to erode the right wing vote. We all know how that turned out, and to be honest I won’t be shedding any tears over Farage. Whichever way you look at it, this election was a massive con – designed simply to divide and rule – and the electorate fell for it, hook line and sinker.

In my own constituency, Fareham, in Hampshire, a Conservative won by a landslide. I wonder if the electorate ever actually realised that by casting their votes that way they were virtually green-lighting a huge development plan known locally as Welborne, which will inevitably place unbearable strain on our already overstretched infrastructure. And that doesn’t even include further development programmes involving thousands of new dwellings. It all seems eerily reminiscent of the day after the 9/11 atrocity when I remarked to a colleague: “That was terrible. The most shocking thing I think I’ve ever seen in a nation at peace.” The reply was: “I don’t really care. It doesn’t affect me.”

But didn’t it affect us all? That’s the trouble. We’ve sold our souls. We’ve all been had. And the really sad thing is that we don’t seem to care.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Ed Miliband Vows To Protect British Sausages

Sausage Butties For All!

Sausage Butties For All!

Labour leader Ed Miliband promised yesterday to go all-out in defence of the traditional British banger in an off-the-record conversation with a London butcher last night.

Ernie Johnson, who runs a butchery business from a traditional butcher’s shop in west London stated that when he expressed concerns over the uncertain future of the British sausage in an increasingly multi-cultural society, Mr Miliband gave concrete assurances that he would fight tooth and nail in getting legislation passed in order to protect the great British banger.

“I was quite pleasantly surprised that he took our sausage welfare so seriously,” Mr Johnson related. “He seemed quite passionate about sausages, promising that our Cumberlands, Lincolnshires, Gloucester Old Spots, Pork and Apple, Suffolks and all that would have their heritage protected within the EU. A bit like what they do for champagne, Cornish pasties and Cheddar cheese. He even committed to protecting the blood sausages – such as black pudding – although on account of his ancestral background he probably wouldn’t ever actually eat any of them, unless it was for a photo opportunity.”

Which would appear to suggest that if you like a nibble on a juicy sausage from time to time then Red Ed’s your man and the Labour Party are your team.

“It’s funny,” said Mr Johnson. “And I suppose quite rewarding in a way that while all the other parties are squabbling about reducing the deficit, immigration concerns, the EU, terrorism and suchlike that Ed Miliband has the best interests of the great British public at heart by demonstrating his passion for the integrity and future of the great British sausage. It truly reveals that he is a man of the people. I was going to vote UKIP but Ed has turned my head around and now it’s Labour all the way for me. And all because of sausages. Amazing.”

We contacted Labour Central Office in order to get a response from Mr Miliband but he was out, so we asked the lady who answered the phone if she had any idea what Ed would be having for his tea today?

“Sausage butties of course!” she said, in a proper North-East accent. “Mr Miliband always has sausage butties for tea, with a bit fried onion, ketchup and a dash of English mustard.”

If that isn’t a vote-winner for Red Ed then we don’t know what is!

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker

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