Theresa May’s Cleavage Not Worth A Wank

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

No. Just, no. Not even with shampoo on.

Cafe Spike broke ranks with the mainstream media this morning, following hysterical press coverage of Home Secretary Theresa May’s cleavage as revealed during a live television broadcast covering George Osborne’s budget speech in Westminster.

Quite frankly we were in total agreement with Zebediah Spalding, the former Arctic explorer turned political commentator who said: “For God’s sake let’s have some perspective here. There’s something desperately wrong with a society where the government exploit the poor and infirm in order to line the pockets of the ultra-privileged, and all that goes over the heads of the media, who seem more interested in an old woman’s tits than the abuse of the population. Definitely something wrong here.”

“Frankly speaking,” Cafe Spike’s Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock told us. “And without being sexist or anything, but whenever I see Theresa May on the telly my gaze is more focussed on the bags under her eyes and her awful hairstyles than anything located due south of there, which can be of no possible interest to anyone in possession of a hormone unless it’s a question of loyalty. Not really worth a wank in the greater scheme of things.

“On a cerebral level I must admit that I do sometimes regard the woman with a vague curiosity – often wondering to myself how such an incompetent buffoon could ever attain such an exalted position in government. But then I look at the rest of them and it isn’t difficult to work out.”

Even The Sun appeared to make a massive fuss over the cleavage exposure, which is somewhat ironic considering that they published page three glamour shots for decades and owner Rupert Murdoch only recently married a washed up model cum groupie whose own cleavage was recently described as resembling “a basset hound’s lug holes” by an undisclosed alleged source.

In other news, trains into London Waterloo station were disrupted again as another citizen of the fifth largest economy in the world, and the most rapidly developing economy in Europe threw herself under a train at Clapham Junction in sheer desperation.

Paddy Berzinski


George Osborne now Britain’s most popular man

Gideon mate - give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

Gideon mate – give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

It’s true – Gideon has metamorphosed from cartoon villain to peoples’ champion on the strength of his autumn spending review after climbing down on proposed tax credit cuts and further cuts to the police budget. Good ole Gideon said that he’s listened to the people and subsequently executed an astonishing U-turn because such a measure would penalise hard working families unnecessarily, and categorically not executed the U-turn because it could well have smashed his political career to smithereens, led to the downfall of the Bullingdon Boys government and made the Conservative party look slightly less psychopathic than Pol Pot or Uncle Joe Stalin.

Gideon’s actions have at last given some degree of credibility to the party’s claims that they are now the party representing the workers of Great Britain. We asked a great British worker if he really felt that the Conservatives are the party of the common man?

Andy Prentiss works in a factory in Oxfordshire. Here’s what he told us:

“Oh yes. I feel safe under the Conservatives, more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life. I earn the minimum wage working for an agency and could be fired at a moment’s notice with no recourse to appeal of any kind. At least I have work and I’m grateful for that. I understand that sometimes my services aren’t needed and I think it’s really brilliant that the Conservatives are so keen to get people into work but not so keen on protecting those people once they are in work. It makes me feel needed and valuable – even though I get treated like shit all the time and the company I work for pays fuck all in taxes despite making millions in profit. It’s only right that I stand on my own two feet. And thanks to the wonderful Conservatives I know that if I’m really on the bones of my arse I can always feed the kids by way of the food bank while they sort my JSA claim out when I get fired so that I can be re-engaged on a lower pay scale, which I have to accept or I’ll have my benefits sanctioned. We truly do live in enlightened times, and it’s mainly due to the people’s party – the Conservatives.”

In related news, rumours that £2 billion in foreign aid to a certain South American country has been ring fenced in order to promote exports of Colombian Marching Powder have been vehemently denied by a Whitehall insider with a bad case of the sniffles.

Ted Pemberton