If Donald Trump Puts His Grubby Little Mitts On Me I’ll Rip His Nut Sack Off – Says Feisty Woman

What's that you say fat boy? - A woman off the telly - not the feisty one.

What’s that you say fat boy? – A woman off the telly – not the feisty one.

If Donald Trump lays his grubby mitts on me I’ll rip his nut sack off – says feisty woman

The feisty woman issued the intimidating statement in the bar of a Salford hotel late last night. Responding to a question posed by a fellow patron regarding Donald Trump’s wandering hands, the woman – who according to sources takes no shit from anybody – emphasised that should Trump ever lay his grubby mitts on her then she’d rip his nut sack off.

“She didn’t specify exactly how she’d rip Trump’s ball bag off,” said a witness. “So it’s open to interpretation whether she’d rip it off with her teeth, her bare hands, or use some kind of tool like mole grips or something…”

“I’ve known her for years,” a source told us. “And believe me she’s not the kind of woman you’d want to mess with. She used to be married to a local gangster until he upset her over something or other and he was so scared of her that he fled the country. There’s a rumour that she had him rubbed out and then buried in the foundations of the new Coronation Street set, although it is just a rumour. She can be pretty scary though and that’s a fact.”

A spokesman for Donald Trump advised us that there’s little chance of Trump ever encountering the feisty woman as he doesn’t visit Salford much, adding that Trump wasn’t overly concerned by the prospect of having his ball bag ripped off by anybody. Apart from possibly Hillary Clinton, but in more of a figurative than literary way.

More Trump related tomfoolery as it comes in.

MS

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Cafe Spike to embrace right wing extremism

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we're on message with the right.

Nigel Farage looking smug now that we’re on message with the right.

Crap online so-called comedy website www.cafespike.com today announced a change in its editorial policy by stating that it was abandoning its previously unsuccessful leftard PC liberal stance and embracing rampant xenophobic right wing extremist politics.

“We were going nowhere fast,” Cafe Spike’s Editor, Martin Shuttlecock announced this morning. ‘Nobody seems interested in anything we have to say about fairness and social justice so we’re going to start appealing to the type of frustrated psychotic wanker that writes in the Express comments sections.

“An awful lot of people seem to be interested in the inflammatory right wing bollocks spouted by the likes of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins and the fuckwits at the Daily Express so that’s the direction we’ll be going in from now on.

“Besides being a sound business decision it’s much easier to just make up scare stories blaming migrants for everything, so that’s what we’ll do, starting today.”

Paddy Berzinski

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Yorkshire chips n gravy campaigner Ken Mither to join Cafe Spike

Proper chips, pictured wi gravy.

Proper chips, pictured wi gravy.

It’s been a case of hard times here at Cafe Spike recently as almost our entire writing team have gone either absent without leave or lobbed in a sick note, so we’re delighted to announce the signing of legendary Yorkshire chips n gravy campaigner Ken Mither to the team.

Known for his typically dry Yorkshire wit 69 year old Ken is a fanatical promoter of ‘proper gravy’ – especially with chips – having spearheaded the 2012 campaign for chips to be served with gravy after being repeatedly served chips “as dry as chaff” in the south of England.

“Tha can’t beat proper gravy,” Ken told us. “It goes well wi’ just about owt. An’ I’ve seen it as my mission to spread the gravy gospel – especially to them Philistines dahn south. Tha can’t have dry chips. They don’t even serve proper mushy peas dahn south. They have what they call ‘pea fritters’ – which is like a ball o’ peas. It’s indecent.

“I’ll be spreading’ the gospel o’ proper gravy here on Cafe Spike. And mushy peas. And probably beetroot too – although I don’t much care for beetroot really but it was written into the contract. I expect I’ll talk abaht other stuff too. If I can be arsed.”

PB

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Cafe Spike In Chaos – Jordan and Cox fired

Living it up in America - the swines!

Living it up in America – the swines!

Ailing online “comedy” outlet, cafespike.com lies in tatters today as Editor in Chief (and now sole staff member) Martin Shuttlecock formally announced that European Correspondent Lynton Cox, and USA Correspondent Frank E Jordan have been fired.

“It’s been quite a turbulent existence for Cafe Spike since we started,” Shuttlecock said. “But somehow we managed to keep going. We had a good team when we started, but for one reason or another people started to fall by the wayside, and submissions dried up, and now I’ve learned that two of my top team are off on a jolly in Ohio in the good ole US of A leaving me at my wits end writing anti-UKIP stories, and basically scraping the bottom of the literary barrel.

“It’s simply not good enough, and speaking as a moderate Socialist who won’t under any circumstances tolerate insubordination, I’ve sacked Cox and Jordan. Let’s see how they manage without the inflated salaries that they never got paid in the first place and then we’ll see who’s sorry.

“They were a lazy pair of bleeders in the first place, with Jordan forever throwing sickies and Cox pleading that his complicated international travelling habits prevented them from putting a full shift in.

“Then I find out that they’re having a jolly good knees up in Ohio in the USA, leaving me – the most uncreative writer in the history of writing – alone to man the fort without so much as a by your leave. The bastards.

“I’m quite angry about this situation because there was no need for it. We could have talked it through, but no, Cox just buggered off to Ohio and they’re living it large, going out to look at wild turkeys in the park, taking pictures of rivers and generally living it up.

“So I’ve sacked the malingering bastards, but I’ll have the last laugh. One of my spies told me that Jordan’s wife, Caroline is a good cook, so I’m blaming her and I will sue. I don’t pay these people nothing for doing nothing. They’re just taking diabolical liberties.

“I’ve had a word with Donald Trump’s people and they’re 100% behind me on this. Cox and Jordan are FIRED!

“My wife and co-editor is totally behind me on this decision, or at least she was – I think she’s gone shopping again or something.”

At which point Shuttlecock burst into tears and threw a packet of Lincolnshire sausages at his microwave oven, shat in his hat, belched, farted and fell in a heap on the floor, shouting “Why me? Oh God why me?”

Which quite frankly was all a bit confusing and in the opinion of this reporter, more than a little self-indulgent.

Paddy Berzinski, for Cafe Spike.

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Stephen Fry Invited To Write For Café Spike – But He’ll Have To Do It For Free

Café who?

Café who?

After receiving unacceptable levels of abuse over a jocular remark at the BAFTA’s it appears that Stephen Fry has deleted his Twitter account in exasperation, blaming hordes of internet trolls for getting the wrong end of the stick.

Mr Fry joked that award winning costume designer Jenny Beavan – a close friend of the raconteur – looked like a bag lady, prompting the Twitter storm. Mr Fry subsequently deleted his Twitter account, but his online career as a wit could be reinvigorated after Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock extended the tormented star a lifeline.

“If he wants to send something in, I’ll have a look at it,” Shuttlecock said. “But if we publish his stuff he’ll have to understand that we won’t be paying him, because we’re skint. We’re happy to throw Stephen Fry a lifeline if he’s struggling but we don’t want any of that clever wry stuff he’s famous for. Being a bit thick, like, all that clever stuff goes right over our heads. Mind you, some juicy gossip about large breasted actresses would brighten the old place up a bit. We like that sort of thing.”

More as we get it

Paddy Berzinski

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Nobody injured at Café Spike AGM

The Café Spike crew whiling away the hours in shady pubs

The Café Spike crew whiling away the hours in shady pubs

The executive committee of Café Spike dot com held its annual general meeting at a West London pub this week. Nobody ended up in hospital and nothing terribly exciting happened, apart from editor Martin Shuttlecock almost taking a wrong turn at Embankment tube station whilst heading for the westbound District line train to Richmond.

Topics covered included some things we aren’t allowed to talk about because they’re private and personal, the general state of decay of surviving staffers, cheapo Chinese copies of famous guitars, some one time writing colleagues who were roundly labelled as ‘utter tossers’, the state of the London housing market and the Chiswick restaurant circuit.

Drinks were served at the bar by a pleasantly sociable chap with a big hipster beard and the committee were allowed a fag break. At one point a late lunch was considered but the news that the kitchen was out of order due to essential maintenance put the mockers on that one.

All who attended returned to their respective abodes safe and unmolested, which was all a bit anticlimactic really, looking back on the heady days of the Coal Hole Mob meetings on The Strand which invariably ended up with fistfights, varying degrees of injury, the odd slip into the river and the attentions of at least one police helicopter.

However, those who attended did have a most enjoyable time, even if they have all mellowed a bit.

“They aren’t as angry as they used to be,” Editor Shuttlecock related. “And that’s not such a bad thing. I can’t be dancing on tables wi’ my back.”

More next year, providing we can be arsed.

Paddy Berzinski

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What Do You Mean, Are We Still Here?

Dip your bread - get in there!

Dip your bread – get in there!

As our regular reader – who has probably wandered off somewhere – and one or two others may be aware, we’ve been offline for a while recently. We’re not telling you why, because frankly it’s none of your business. What we are prepared to reveal is that we haven’t been in prison or been sanctioned by the internet or anything like that.

Or at least not that we noticed.

But now we’re back, hopefully to amuse and entertain. That’s if we can root out stuff to write about that’s either amusing or entertaining, and if we can be arsed to do it. What we won’t be doing is posting poxy links to nonsense sites. There’s way too much of that going on in the wacky world of the internet as it is. After all, there are only so many vines showing kittens cuddling up to babies and dickheads trying to be gangstas that a person can stand, without putting one’s sanity at risk.

It’s the same with memes – Facebook is plastered with them, and in our opinion they’re all shite. Faux words of wisdom and advice put out by cretins.

If you’re offended by our attitude, please feel free to fuck right off. We’re as grumpy as shit and proud of it. It’s what happens when you spend too long reading Mail Online comments – you begin to loathe humanity, that’s if there’s any humanity on show there in the first place. And don’t even get us started on the Express comments – they make Iain Duncan Smith look compassionate by comparison.

Speaking of Iain Duncan Smith: Is it just us or is he getting to look more like a shark with every passing day? A voracious and ultimately merciless predator? Something to ponder. Can’t help but think his mother would have been doing the world a favour if she’d sat on the little fucker at birth and crushed the life out of him. We can imagine the birth – he’d have chewed his way out of his mother’s womb and erupted into the world with the ferocity of the chestbusting alien out of that old film. The one with John Hurt in it.

We need a bit more practice at this, obviously. It’s like a footballer or a boxer coming back after a lengthy lay off. One gets a tad rusty.

This article – if you can call it that – was written as an off the cuff tribute to that wonderful composer Johann Sebastian Bach – who popped his clogs a long time ago, but whose musical gifts to the world live on.

Paddy Berzinski

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Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike

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It’s Here! Cafe Spike Miracle Tapwater Only £49.99

Some water pictured when the weather was a bit nicer

Some water pictured when the weather was a bit nicer

Seeing as we’re dirt poor here at Café Spike we’ve been looking long and hard at some ‘get rich quick’ scams, as a result of which we can now exclusively offer our readers a vial of exclusive ‘Café Spike Miracle Tapwater’ (patent pending) which we’re able to deliver straight from the tap at Café Spike head office via the Royal Mail for the knockdown bargain price of £49.99 per vial. (Offer limited to 10 vials per household per month.)

We got our inspiration from some TV evangelist who we saw on You Tube, who raked in an absolute fortune by selling his own version of miracle tapwater, which he claimed could result in:

*Supernatural bank account enhancement – which basically means that if you’re in the red and you sprinkle miracle tapwater on your bank statement, some spirit or God or whatever ‘might just’ mysteriously and anonymously deposit vast sums of cash into your bank account without you ever knowing where it came from. Because it’s a miracle. To be honest we can’t see it working either, but the people in the clip swear by it and it’s on the internet so it must be true.

*Healing the sick – which isn’t bad considering it’s only water. The only two things we’d previously heard of that could be sorted out by water were thirst and dehydration, but according to the clip the evangelist’s water can cure everything from substance addiction to terminal cancer, hay fever to haemorrhoids and diabetes to demonic possession. It can also convert cripples into breakdancers, restore sight to the blind and send those who have ingested miracle water into some kind of euphoric trance like state. In all fairness, our water hasn’t been proved to achieve similar results yet, but it’s much cheaper and the chemical composition is identical. Plus our miracle water comes in a nice vial whereas theirs’ comes in a poxy sachet like the ones you get ketchup in at fast food outlets.

*Social advancement – all of a sudden, due to the miracle water everybody and his mother will want to be your best friend. You’ll sail through promotions at work, be headhunted by other potential employers, and even be asked to appear on the television chatting to such luminaries as Jonathan Ross, Piers Morgan, Sean Hannity and that bird with the wonky gob on Fox News.

Having seen what we’d have to live up to when comparing our relatively cheap miracle water to the evangelist’s version we had a bit of a crisis in confidence, but we soon got over that as we realised that there are more than enough stupid people in the world prepared to stump up hard cash, for what in the final analysis can best be described as, a load of old bollocks.

Here’s what our customers told us.

**I’ve been suffering from chronic lower back pain for years, so I sent £49.99 for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater and immediately it arrived I emptied the vial down my lower spine, where it made my underpants slightly damp before it trickled down into my arse crack. It wasn’t effective at all but it was a nice feeling. – Derek, Milton Keynes

**I sprinkled Café Spike Miracle Water on my bank statement last Thursday. My balance didn’t mysteriously increase by half a million pounds or anything like that, but I did get a parking fine for £70 off my local supermarket for overstaying, so there must be something in it. – Elsie, Cheshire

**I drank my vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater because I wasn’t at all sure why I’d bought it in the first place, yet the very next day I was promoted to Team Leader in charge of Dairy Produce shelf stacking on the night shift at the supermarket where I work. My team insist it’s purely because I’m a grass, but I’m not so sure. It never happened until I purchased my vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater. – Marion, Belfast

**I was feeling suicidal after losing everything in the recession, and in desperation I sent off for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater. When it arrived I emptied it into a glass of brandy and drank it straight down. The very next day I received an official looking legal document informing me that due to a long lost family connection I had become the sole owner of a multi-million pound aerospace manufacturing company. It turned out that the letter was a complete fake and that the cunts from Café Spike had sent it. I’m off to hang myself from a big bridge right now, – Joe, Swansea

*If you want to take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer for a vial of Café Spike Miracle Tapwater at only £49.99 per vial before the police catch up with us, message us on Facebook right now with your details. Discretion guaranteed unless you’re famous and we can flog the story to the tabloid press.

Jake Ginster

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Crappy Breakfast Pic Sparks Full Blown Domestic At CS HQ

The New Version - With Black Pudding And Stuff

The New Version – With Black Pudding And Stuff

The recent publication of a breakfast picture featured in a Café Spike article about beef plums sparked a serious domestic incident at the site’s offices when resident chef, Carolina Del Greelio took exception and demanded in no uncertain terms that the picture, which depicted what she described as ‘a crap breakfast’ be deleted forthwith and replaced with something “better reflective of the chef’s talents” or face castration without anaesthetic.

“I didn’t think it was a bad shot,” Editor Martin Shuttlecock said. “It wasn’t spectacular, granted, but it looked appetising enough to me on the day I woke up starving hungry.”

Del Greelio did not agree, describing the illustration as: “Something I banged out whilst waiting for the kettle to boil.”

“I repented,” Shuttlecock admitted. “We’ve often been accused by some of our many detractors of writing about what we’ve had to eat, but quite frankly I thought the picture looked fine. I actually like tinned plum tomatoes, black pudding, bacon, egg and toast – even if the whole shebang is swimming in tomato juice. But she wasn’t happy and she wasn’t having it. She demanded that I change it immediately. At first I refused point-blank because I actually really enjoyed that breakfast. But it’s amazing how persuasive an angry wife armed with a rusty pair of garden shears and evil intent can be.

The Old Version - We Didn't Care How Runny It Was

The Old Version – We Didn’t Care How Runny It Was

“So I changed it to the amended version. It’s got smoked back bacon, a fried egg on a circle of fried bread, mushrooms, tomatoes and black pudding in the new screenshot, and she’s actually asked me to point out that the moisture on view isn’t grease – merely natural juices brought forth by expert cookery techniques. So there – duly pointed out.

“I was going to say that this isn’t truly representative of a typical full English breakfast because it doesn’t have sausages or beans on it but she waved the rusty garden shears at me, with a truly psychopathic gleam in her eye and an air of such malevolent intent that I gave in and agreed to supplant the existing brekky pic with something slightly more appetising.

“I’ll be sleeping with one eye open tonight because I’m not sure where she’s hidden the rusty garden shears.”

“I’m the guv’nor in this house and don’t you forget it,” Chef Del Greelio said in closing. “And he is a bit of a twat when all’s said and done.”

*Next time – How I spent three hours sitting on a chair by the oven door basting a bird because she challenged me to cook honey roast duck. I swear she stitched me up like a kipper. – By Martin Shuttlecock.*

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