Ten Bloody Good Reasons To Vote UKIP

In Nigel We Trust

In Nigel We Trust

We want our country back! Oh yes indeedy! And who’s the ideal man for the job? Is it ‘Do Nothing Dave’ or ‘Clegg The Peg’? Or even the Millipede chap who talks like he has a mouth full of old socks? We don’t think so. If we all truly want to reclaim our nation and our glorious empire for the benefit of our future Irish/Germanic/Jewish/Muslim/Sikh/Hindu ancestors and Daily Mail readers there really is only one way to vote.

On the surface it may not appear to amount to much in the way of political strategy, given that UKIP appear to have no political strategy whatsoever – other than to withdraw from the European Union – and then probably have a rethink at some point regarding where exactly we all go from there, which nobody seems to have a clue about – apart from Nigel.

Who has a plan.

Although he appears to be reluctant to divulge it to the electorate.

Probably because it’s Top Secret and such a masterstroke of utter genius that Nigel will deliver us all from evil in Ye Olde Red Lion in Henley on Thames in much the same way as Hitler succeeded in the Beer Hall Putsch in Munich.

Although it’s doubtful Nigel would attempt such a coup in a Bierkeller – that would be far too European.

And Nigel’s a GEEZER!

We know our history.

Here’s ten reasons to vote UKIP

1 – Nigel likes a pint. Anyone who likes a pint is okay by us, and is obviously in touch with the man on the street. He likes pubs too so he can’t possibly be all bad.

2 – Nigel likes the odd bacon butty. Even committed vegans occasionally hanker after a bacon butty, so that’s a good indicator of something or other. And not only does Nigel enjoy the odd bacon butty – he knows how to eat the damn thing. Manfully. With purpose. Taking huge bites and chomping on his Warburton’s medium sliced and smoked back bacon with ketchup like a man on a mission. Not like the Millipede fellow, or Do Nothing Dave making a mockery of noshing on a Cornish Pasty wearing an expression like he was eating a maggot infested apple. Nigel rocks!

3 – Nigel doesn’t seem too keen on Romanians. Nige once legendarily revealed that he wouldn’t feel as comfortable living next door to a house full of Romanian men as he would living next door to a house full of German men. And to be brutally honest, we wouldn’t feel altogether sure about a house full of any men living next door. Houses full of men are a bit iffy at best, we reckon. Unless the house in question happens to be a fire station or a police station. So he totally nailed that one.

4 – He married a German, so he obviously isn’t racist. So no worries there then unless you happen to be a Romanian man living next door to him with eleven of your cousins.

5 – Nigel used to be a Conservative, ‘used to be’ being the operative words. Too many people accuse the Cameron chap of being indecisive and weak. When Nigel found that out he had it away on his toes sharpish. Sources reckon he thought that the Conservatives were way too left wing for his liking and not nearly tough enough on benefit scroungers and illegal immigrants. Or any immigrants whatsoever. Allegedly.

6 – Nigel distinctly does not believe in nepotism or any kind of corruption in politics. He genuinely does employ his German wife as his private secretary because she’s the only person on the planet capable of doing the job. Apart from probably Carol Vorderman, but her wage demands would probably have proved prohibitive.

7 – Nigel’s father worked as stockbroker, and Nigel himself declined a university education so he could work in the City. So he knows how it works, unlike the other political party leaders who were wasting their time dressing up like buffoons in their Bullingdon Club togs and ridiculing the oiks. Nigel worked at the coal face (figuratively speaking) so he knows the script. He probably wrote some of it. A vote for UKIP ensures that we’ll get a Prime Monster who can find his way around the system without the need of a dodgy Romanian manufactured sat-nav.

8 – Nigel has sorted out the ‘swivel eyed loons’ in the UKIP ranks with surgical precision. According to insiders he sent all the swivel eyed loons to a Romanian optometrist in Bucharest who specialises in eyeball training. It seems they’re all still loons but they’ve trained hard and can now prevent their eyeballs from swivelling.



9 – Mail Online readers love UKIP. Read the comments in Mail Online articles relating to anything vaguely connected to Europe or immigration and they mainly say the same thing. We want our country back! Vote UKIP! So what? You may well ask. Given that the Mail’s website is the most popular newspaper website on earth, with its impeccable reputation for accurate and typo free reporting its readers and commenters must be right. The Mail obviously has the most politically savvy readership of any organ, so they can’t possibly be even remotely misguided. Even if a lot of them do accidentally leave ‘Caps Lock’ on for no explicable reason most of the time.

10 – UKIP have a solid policy for governance. Nobody seems to know quite what it is yet, but when we pull out of Europe we’ll be able to go back to the good old days of Empire and export curries and kebabs alongside call centre activities to places like the Windward Islands and everything will be hunky dory.

So there you have it.

I’m voting UKIP. Feel free to join me.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski (Not Romanian – honest.)