Where’s Gideon? Has Anybody Seen Him?

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

It’s the new game that’s taking the nation by storm since the referendum result was announced – the hunt for George Osborne, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer is well and truly on.

Gideon – as we like to call him – hasn’t appeared in public since the referendum result was announced, which has led to all manner of speculation, given that his boss – Bacon Bonce Cameron at least had the good grace to address the nation in order to inform us that he’s chucked in the towel.

So where is Gideon?

Some say he’s beavering away at the treasury trying desperately to make some sense out of the economic carnage caused by the Brexit vote; some say he’s gone off on a drug and alcohol fuelled bender, and some insist he’s buried up to the nuts in some high class call girl or other.

Here at Cafe Spike we’re not sure. The best we can come up with is that he’s buggered off to China because he thinks the Chinese are his mates, and that he’ll hand them a bung in order to promote football or the dog eating festival or something.

To be honest, we haven’t a clue where he is.

If anyone sees him can you let us know?

Many thanks.

Cafe Spike

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George Osborne Might Have Snorted Cocaine Off My Bare Tits – Bradford Prostitute

We couldn't print a picture of the prostitute so you'll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

We couldn’t print a picture of the prostitute so you’ll have to make do with a pic we took of Katie Hopkins off the laptop

A Bradford prostitute who we can’t name for legal reasons has suggested that the Chancellor Of The Exchequer might have snorted high grade cocaine off her tits at a sordid sex party held in a West End Hotel.

The revelation came as the 58 year old woman appeared at Bradford Magistrates Court on a charge of not having a valid TV licence. When asked if she had anything to say in her defence she alleged that George Osborne might have snorted cocaine off her tits one time and that if such a thing had actually happened it could well have been the mitigating factor that sent her into a downward spiral of poverty and depravity.

Rejecting the claim, the magistrates found the woman guilty as charged and ordered her to pay a £200 fine and attend psychiatric counselling.

We managed to catch up with the woman outside the court complex to ask if there was any truth in her sordid allegation.

“Course it’s true,” she insisted. “I’ve had loads of politicians, pop stars, actors and telly presenters snort coke off me tits in me time. Osborne was one of ’em for sure. There’s nowt wrong wi’ my memory love. That Jeremy Hunt were a bugger for a bit o’ back door action, Iain Duncan Smith used to get a kick out of chaining me to a radiator and beating me swede in wi’ a baseball bat and Cameron’d ask us to fluff him up before he give it rice wi’ an ‘am shank afore he sniffed coke off me tits. It’ll all come out one day. Mark my words.”

We can’t be 100% certain that she was telling the truth, but nothing surprises us any more. Heaven help us all.

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike

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