Britain First Left Bewildered By Latest Edition Of Charlie Hebdo

What Does It Mean?

What Does It Mean?

Unprecedented demand for the first edition of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, since the Paris massacre a week ago has resulted in an unprecedented print run of 2 million copies, one of which we brought back to London in the early hours of this morning. The 16 page edition continues the exuberant and anarchic tradition of the magazine, and to our surprise, one person who was chomping at the bit to read it was Britain First member Conan Templar.

“It’s anti-Muslamic innit?” Templar said as he examined the magazine. “That’s what it’s all about. Anything that’s anti-Muslamic is okay by me. I’m with Charlie Hebdo all the way, and wiv all them Frenchies what come out on the anti-Muslamic march on Sunday. Fair play to the old snail scoffers – they ain’t ‘avin’ it no more. ‘S a pity more of our own people aren’t filled up wiv the courage of their connections. We needs to make a stand and take our country back. Like wot the Frenchies are doin.’ They showed what they’re all abaht on Sunday – patriotism – not sittin’ abaht like hippies singing bladdy John Lydon peace songs.”

As Templar tucked into a pie n mash breakfast washed down with a mug of builder’s tea, his expression changed radically as he thumbed through the Charlie Hebdo magazine.

“What’s this crap?” Templar spluttered. “It’s all in bladdy foreign innit! Bladdy Frenchies! What’s up wiv ’em? Don’t they speak ‘er Majesty the Queen’s bleedin’ English or wot? This is no use to me Chief – can’t understand a bleedin’ word of it. Might as well be in hydroponics as far as I’m concerned. What a load of old shit!”

At which point our reporter made his excuses and left.

In the brave tradition of Sky News we can’t show you the cover of this edition of Charlie Hebdo because it would be irresponsible and we don’t want nutters with guns coming after us.

In related news, both Britain First and Fox News have been nominated as ‘Best New Comedy Act’ in the Perrier awards at the Edinburgh Festival.

Or so we’re told.


2 Million March For Peace, Freedom Of Speech And Harmony In Paris – Nigel Farage Goes Down The Pub (Allegedly)

Where's Nigel?

Where’s Nigel?

Following the horrendous terrorist attacks in Paris last week, some 2 million people took to the streets of Paris in protest, including an array of European and world political figures in a display of unity and defiance. Many carried ‘I am Charlie’ placards in reference to the slaughter at the offices of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, yet strangely, UKIP leader and Member of the European Parliament Nigel Farage was nowhere to be seen.

According to our source – a bloke up the shops who hangs around on a bench all day, but who is usually reliable – Nigel, the ‘people’s politician’ couldn’t be arsed with all that nonsense and probably went down the pub for a sneck lifter.’

Nobody knows quite why Nigel chose not to attend the protest march, but one renowned political analyst posited the theory that the UKIP leader was battling demons related to his abstinence from the drink since the New Year.

“You’d have expected Nigel to be giving it large for maximum publicity and proper milking it over there in Paris,” the renowned political analyst – who requested to remain anonymous – told us. “But for some reason, that didn’t happen. I can only assume that he’s been missing the drink something terrible – because he likes a pint or nine does our Nigel – and he’s succumbed to his demons and finally buggered off down the Dog And Duck.”

The bloke up the shops who tipped us off about this blockbuster story was reluctant to come out and openly say that Nigel had submitted in his battle with the drink.

Nigel - On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

Nigel – On The Drink With One Of His Mongy Mates Last Year

“I never said he was supping pints,” our source declared. “I just said that I reckon he went down the pub with his mates. Probably to watch the Arsenal match on Sky. Don’t put words in my mouth – for all I know he could have been supping Diet Coke as he cheered the Arse on. He probably wasn’t – he was probably getting the drink down his neck like a champion, but I’m not allowed to say that. I’d get crucified by Daily Mail readers.”

In the final analysis, we can’t explain Nigel Farage’s conspicuous absence from the Paris march, and we aren’t altogether sure whether he’s embroiled in a battle with the drink or not, and we can’t explain his silence on the matter, although it’s probably fair to say that he is a bit fonder of the drink than of our European kin and he’s probably not all that keen on free speech either. In short: We haven’t got a clue.

What we do have a clue about though, is the overwhelming outpouring of support from the good citizens of Paris – citizens of every race, creed and colour, who took to the streets yesterday to denounce terrorism and defend at all costs the right to free speech, so that the likes of us can publish our drivel, safe in the knowledge that if some gun toting nutter storms our office and shoots us all up to shit that at the very least we hold a firm grip on the moral high ground.

Paris – We salute you!

The Café Spike Team.


Je Suis Charlie – Nous Sommes Tous Charlie

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

I am Charlie, we are all Charlie. Never let freedom of speech die.

Je suis Charlie, nous sommes tous Charlie. I am Charlie, we are all Charlie.

I was supposed to carry out some major updates on Café Spike yesterday; suffice to say that as events unfolded in Paris during and after the attack on the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo, it got pretty hard for me to focus on humour. I didn’t feel it appropriate, out of respect for the victims who were callously murdered for having the temerity to poke fun at a religious Godhead.

Following my initial revulsion I looked at the footage with a slightly more clinical eye. The masked gunmen certainly didn’t appear to be the cowards the far right would have us believe. They acted with well drilled military precision, not dissimilar to a special forces unit or a SWAT team, and to my untrained eye my guess would be that they were wearing body armour, aside from being heavily armed. These guys looked like experienced urban fighters.

Why did they commit this atrocity? Sure, I can understand that they were righteously indignant over Charlie Hebdo’s blasphemous treatment of their spiritual leader, but the crux of the matter remains that 12 people were gunned down because the shooters couldn’t deal with the fact that somebody who didn’t share their beliefs had the audacity to mock them for their extreme fanaticism.

Mockery of the great and the good is something of a European tradition. We all do it, or at least most of us do, and we take it for what it is – poking fun at the pompous and the self-righteous. It’s called satire. Not many people do it well, but those who have perfected their craft do it very well indeed, often striking a nerve or two along the way. The vast majority of us just tend to have a laugh about it and then move on. It’s like a tennis match – you win a point, then you lose one. It’s just a game.

Nobody in their right mind would ever suggest that the Jimmy Carrs, Frankie Boyles or Russell Brands of this world should be murdered because they caused offence to a particular group or individual. Most people see it for what it is – a publicity stunt, or simply a bad error of judgement when men like these cause offence. We cringe inwardly occasionally and then we get on with our lives. It’s the British way, and the European way.

As the day unfolded, so began the arguments, from the guarded; “Charlie Hebdo knew what they were doing and they brought this on themselves” to the outright fanatical; “We should declare war on all Muslims.” My response to both of these reactions in turn would be – no they didn’t – and – no we shouldn’t.

My opinion obviously won’t carry a great deal of clout, and if I’m honest with myself it isn’t the most intellectual analysis, simply my own interpretation of what I see – as an ordinary Joe – going on in the world around me. I wouldn’t dream of condoning or justifying in any way what happened in Paris, but there is one word which sums up most of what I see as being wrong with the world:


Extremists of all stripes, be they right wing, left wing, Christian, Muslim, Governments, the global media, dictators, bankers, industrialists, power brokers, serial killers, paedophiles, – they all share a common and rather despicable human trait; they refuse to countenance any form of compromise, only believing in one way. Their own way. And to a man they are ruthless and ready to kill at the drop of a hat in order to pursue their own warped agendas. Most of us just want to live our lives in peace and freedom, yet the truth is that our freedoms are being chipped away at, and that our little piece of terra firma diminishes a little in size as the clock ticks through the days, weeks, months and years.

It’s been said that satire is the ultimate weapon of the weak against the powerful, but satire is just clever words and pictures – it doesn’t come equipped with body armour and assault rifles.

If the gun really is more powerful than the pen – no matter who is pointing that gun – then we may as well just put down our pens and wave the white flag as we are marched to our respective places of execution, for then the lunatics have not only taken over the asylum – they’ve started the purge.

Martin Shuttlecock. 07/01/2015