Nigel Farage Blames Migrants For Chelmsford Chip Pan Blaze

Clearly the fault of migrants!

Clearly the fault of migrants!

When Wendy Berlioz’s chip pan caught fire yesterday tea time she had no idea that such a small event would reverberate across Europe, sparking a political storm.

“Luckily I managed to catch the chip pan at the instant it burst into flames and was able to put out the fire by covering it with a damp tea towel,” Mrs Berlioz told reporters. “I wasn’t even aware that migrants were to blame until I saw it on my Facebook feed. I was pretty shocked.”

A spokesman for UKIP denied that Mr Farage had apportioned blame for the fire on migrants, claiming that a comment about Britain facing invasion from a billion Muslims had been taken out of context.

“Mr Farage never said any such thing. It was probably some loony leftie scaremongerer. They’re always doing it,” he said.

“I don’t know if this report is true or not,” a loony leftie scaremongerer said today. “I wouldn’t put it past the odious little toad Farage though – he blames migrants or the EU for just about everything else. In fact the only thing he hasn’t blamed migrants for is the “assassination attempt” when the wheel nuts on his car came loose. And that was a load of old bollocks.”

“He shouldn’t be blaming migrants for my chip pan fire as it was entirely my fault,” Mrs Berlioz admitted. “I put the pan on the gas and then got distracted by The Chase on the television. Fortunately I got to it in time and other than a bit of smoke damage there was no real harm done.”

Essex Police confirmed that no migrants were seen in the immediate vicinity of the accidental chip pan fire.



The Revolutionary Cafe Spike Diet Revealed

Get your day off to a flying start

Get your day off to a flying start

We’ve been asked to list our Editor In Chief’s typical dietary intake over a 24 hour period for a leading international health, diet, exercise and fitness magazine, basically in the hope that others will be inspired to attain a Café Spike level of fitness and mental agility. So what follows is a typical day in the dietary life of our esteemed EIC.

04:30 Crawl bleary eyed and slightly hungover out of warm bed. Go downstairs.

04:35 Promise to shower later. Coffee and cigarettes.

05:00 Breakfast. Bacon, fried bread, fried egg, sausages, mushrooms, fried tomato, baked beans, black pudding slices, sautéed potatoes, toast, chilli ketchup.

05:30 Check emails.

05:32 Cigarette. Open Facebook. Post disparaging comments on posts considered pointless. (99.9%)

06:00 Open Mail Online. Post stupid comments to wind the idiots up. Three packets of crisps, more cigarettes, four cold beers. Stiff brandy.

08:00 Last night’s curry microwaved and served on thickly buttered sliced white bread. (4 Slices) Back to bed for a bit.

11:45 Whisky and double pepperami pizza or cheddar cheese on toast. (4 slices) Try to write a story for the magazine. Treble brandy. Put reading glasses on to prevent double vision. Type rubbish for a few minutes. Give up. Large rum and coke. Doze off in chair watching This Morning.

15:15 Wake up starving. Microwaved corned beef on toast with four strong lagers. Exchange FB messages with Frankie, our staffer in the USA who hasn’t been well recently. Advise Frankie that he needs to switch to a healthy lifestyle.

16:45 Exercises. A brisk walk up the shops. Buy a case of strong lager. Kebab shop – mega doner with salad, chilli sauce, slice of pizza and two deep fried chicken breasts, southern style.

Don't Skimp On The Drink!

Don’t Skimp On The Drink!

17:15 Weight training. Putting beers in fridge.

18:00 More beer. With brandy, whisky and schnapps.

20:30 Up the chippy. Fish, chips and mushy peas, saveloy and pickled egg.

21:00 Neat vodka, box of Dairy Milk. Watch the news for a bit.

22:00 Supper – microwaved KFC Zinger burger with fries beans, gravy and coleslaw that I’d put in the fridge three days ago and forgotten about.

23:00 Half bottle of Merlot and bed.

It may not work for everybody but it works for me.

Martin Shuttlecock. Editor In Chief. Café Spike.


Pub calls time on pies

Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Portly person, portly person, YOU ate all the pies!

Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Portly person, portly person, YOU ate all the pies!

Mad Albert, landlord of the Brickmakers Arms in the Lancashire mill town of Butterly announced today that with immediate effect he was withdrawing pies from the pub menu, citing a decline in demand as the primary reason for the removal of what has long been regarded as typical northern fare.

“It’s a business decision, you see,” Mad Albert told us. “People don’t want pies any more. Not even fancy chicken and mushroom or chicken tikka. They want posh food, fancy food, stuff like lobster and spinach with ricotta cheese with pasta. I blame these fancy Dan TV celebrity chefs myself – people were quite happy with meat and tater pie and peas until folk like that Gordon Oliver came along and started boiling rocket and pan frying halibut.”

Mad Albert’s bold move was met largely with total indifference, but not everybody is taking it lying down. Bernard Claypole, Managing Director of local pie-making firm Claypole’s Pies told us:

“We’ve been supplying the Brickmakers Arms with a range of delicious pies for over thirty year, and all of a sudden there’s no demand? How does that work then? If you ask me, Mad Albert’s lost the bloody plot. Either that or he’s been nobbled.”

Regular diner at the Brickmakers Arms, Holly Clacket, a bit of a portly lass by any standards told us:

“They’re taking pies off menu? Eeh, that’s a right shame. I likes a few pies with me pints o’ mild and bitter of a lunchtime. I’ll not be ordering any o’ that new bell cuisine and that’s a fact. Still, as long as they’re still doing chips and gravy I’m happy – with a few slices o’ bread and butter. Yum yum!”

Changing times indeed for the residents of Butterly.


Ken Mither and The Chip Shop Boys – New Album In The Works

Somebody Eating Their Dinner - With Proper Gravy.

Somebody Eating Their Dinner – With Proper Gravy.

MUSIC – Yorkshire ‘Real Gravy’ campaigner, Ken Mither has revealed that he has reformed his pop band The Chip Shop Boys, and confirmed that the popular combo are hard at work in the recording studio laying down tracks for their new album – I’ve Got You Covered.

“It’s exciting that we’re working on a new project,” Mither said. “And it’s great to be back working with the lads again.” [Read more…]