Daily Express issues severe UK weather warning

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Whatever your thoughts on the Daily Express (probably that it’s a right wing, xenophobic, racist, Brexit and UKIP supporting arse-wipe of a rag lapped up by raving nutters and conspiracy theorists) there’s no denying that its completely misguided weather reportage makes an amusing break from the constant barrage of anti-migrant propaganda and benefit cheat bullshit.

According to the Express’s ‘ace’ weather reporter, Nathan Rao, we’re all seriously doomed, even at the best of times.

What’s particularly alarming about this is that Mr Rao apparently gets paid for his completely twattish forecasts, because even the idiots who read the Express think he’s a bit of a Canute.

Which is quite some feat when you come to think of it. Even people who believe that there were no planes involved on 9/11, that the moon landings were staged, that the Columbine shooting horror was a “false flag” event, that “the elites” are plotting to flood Europe with Islamic fanatics in order to destroy European culture and that Hillary Clinton is a lizard – even these idiots don’t buy the Express’s weather articles.

The latest of which states with confidence: “COLD WEATHER SHOCK: Temperatures to plunge THIS weekend as Winter arrives early in Britain.”

So that’s that sorted. We’re all doomed. Again. As confirmed by this from the Express comments section:

*AmberDudd!
Lets hope its very ‘Choppy’ and Freezing in the Channel! Kill of most of the ‘RapeFugees’ and S C U M before they get to a Dinghy or a Lorry!*

Express readers eh?

Every one a Canute.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com.

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Britain braced for hottest coldest driest wettest winter ever

It'll be one or the other

It’ll be one or the other

Depending on which tabloid you read, Britain is facing the most extreme winter ever. Some like it hot, some seem to prefer having the shivers, some suggest we’re all going to need reinforced umbrellas and others are anticipating a drought. It’s all a touch surreal and it’s thrown Britons into a right two and eight as they struggle to decide which version of the future to believe.

“I’m sort of tending towards it being another really wet winter,” Raymond Downes, a scaffolder from Manchester said. “We might get a bit of snow for a day or two but based on historical research it’s far more likely to be a bit cold, windy, and rainy. That’s how it usually works round here. I won’t be taking any special precautions. I’ve already got a sturdy umbrella which the wife lets me use in emergencies and I’ve just had an MOT on me wellies so I’m sorted.”

“I can’t see it snowing for months on end like it says in the Daily Express,” Javid Iqubal a civil servant from London told us. “Last time it snowed in London it only lasted a couple of days, which doesn’t really justify investing in snow shoes, skis, tyre chains crampons and a big shovel. That would just be a waste of money. If it does snow I’ll just have a lie in, call in to say I’ll be late for work and then show up around lunchtime and blame it on Transport For London. Whatever happens I shan’t be panicking.”

“I’m torn to be honest,” said Tommy Summerville, an unemployed permanently angry man from Diss in Norfolk. “I read the Daily Express online and I’m not quite sure what to believe. On the one hand I could be sunbathing on the beach in Great Yarmouth, on the other hand I might have to build a snow cave to survive a six month blizzard and have to set traps to catch squirrels to eat. That’s if we don’t all get washed away in a massive tsunami, fall down a sinkhole, make contact with hostile aliens, get struck by a previously undetected passing comet in some extinction event or slaughtered in our beds by radical Islamists. I don’t really know what to do.”

“If you ask me, Tommy should stop reading the Daily Express,” Psychiatrist Professor Ken Mist remarked. “If you believed everything you read on that website you’d be too paranoid to dare set foot outside the house.”

Ted Pemberton.

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