Man who got the internet now scared of everything



A 59 year old Falklands veteran who never used to be afraid of anything has revealed that he is now scared to set foot outside his front door since he connected to the internet.

Ex-Welsh Guardsman Crispin Evans said that he’s now scared of migrants, Muslims, giant rats, false widow spiders, drunken hooligans, rapists, muggers, chuggers, the government, flying saucers, the New World Order, fast food, carbohydrates, bacon, Alzheimers, base jumpers, free climbers, zit squeezers, celebrities, the NHS, Jeremy Corbyn, Ant and Dec, Creationists, Simon Cowell, the Kardashians, sex maniacs, vicious dogs and low flying drones.

“I never used to be scared of anything,” Mr Evans said. “I was always pretty fearless but since I got the internet I’m petrified of just about everything. Still, I suppose it pays to keep abreast of developments. I never realised I was in mortal danger every day of my life, so from now on I’ll be stopping indoors and getting my shopping delivered. If I really have to go out I’ll take taxis everywhere, door to door. You can’t be too careful these days.”

We tried to contact comedians Lee Mack and Tim Vine out of Not Going Out for comment but they were both out, but not out-out like that cheeky Cockney comedian Micky Flanagan who hasn’t been seen for a fortnight and whose wife told us to tell him to phone home if we managed to contact him because his tea’s going cold.

Paddy Berzinski