99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”


All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Daily Express Makes Complete Arse Of Itself AGAIN

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

If the Express did vampirism, this would be a crucifix

The Daily Express confirmed its position as a laughing stock of the British press today by publishing a headline on its website confidently stating: “100,000 say NO to the EU: Poll PROVES Britain wants out of eurozone”


Now, we know that the Express supports UKIP and tolerates hate speech on a daily basis through its comments section, but could a right wing rag really be so idiotic as to actually believe its own warped version of reality and actually have the effrontery to publish such a nonsensical claim as a headlining story?

Sadly, yes.

Everybody knows that the Express supports UKIP and having demonised single parents and condemned benefit claimants to an eternity of burning brimstone they moved on to wholeheartedly support the demonisation of refugees fleeing a war zone amid a rabid hate campaign against anything remotely Islamic, but do they really expect anyone with half a functioning brain to believe that 92% of Britons want out of the EU?

Let’s just ponder that for a moment.

The Express website is pretty much a closed shop as far as comments go. Unless you’re a UKIP supporting conspiracy theorist lunatic, in which case it’s okay. But be warned – unless you’re a xenophobic, racist, psychotic hate monger you have to be brave to attempt to pose an alternative point of view. If you aren’t a Farage devotee, and have the audacity to speak out in public against these lunatics then you can expect a deluge of abuse, threats of violence, and intimidation from the Express’s bottom feeding denizens.

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Did they really say that? Can anybody be THAT stupid?

Dare to say anything rational on the Express comments section and you’ll be branded as a troll by the racist Pegida, Britain First supporting troglodytes who lurk in its depths.

Most of whom by their own admission hold several email accounts and post there under a variety of aliases – and thus have multiple votes in the so-called “poll.”

So 92% PROVE that Britain wants out of the EU?


92% of certifiable lunatic racist psychotics using multiple votes maybe. Even UKIP stated that the poll results were an embarrassment.

Which PROVES conclusively that the Daily Express and its readers are full of shit and talk absolute bollocks.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike


Daily Express Readers SLAM and BLAST Government Plans For Correct English

UKIP's Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

UKIP’s Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet seen checking the UKIP bank balance last week.

Government plans to ensure that every UK resident should have an acceptable command of the English language, initially aimed at Islamic women has provoked an unexpected response from the most unlikely of sources – Daily Express readers.

“I can’t believe they’re investing £20 million in teaching Muslim economic migrants to speak and write decent English,” one FURIOUSLY OUTRAGED reader BLASTED and SLAMMED.What about us indigenous historic Britons who can’t talk or write English proper? They won’t pay us nothing to learn our own language but they don’t mind throwing money at the migrant scum. They’re all traitorous slags. Only Lord Nigel Mustard Pants of Thanet is qualified to run this country and as such he should be installed immediately in Downing Street. He’s the only patriot we have left. And he’d put the indigenous British population above the scrounging scum invading our country and destroying our traditional way of life so that WE can learn proper English too. Vote UKIP! VOTE OUT OF THE CORRUPT EU NOW!”

Although we weren’t quite sure where the irate Kipper was going with his BLASTING and SLAMMING, it’s our view that everyone should be entitled to a voice in the modern world and in the media, so there you go.

An independent analyst from the Department Of Inanity, a government think tank, told us:

“It’s common knowledge that Daily Express readers tend to have a poor command of both written and spoken English, although they’ve had a lifetime to learn it and experience exposure to it every day. For some reason, the comments on the DE’s online articles expose how crap most of them are at their native language. Most of them don’t seem to be able to even cast a critical eye over the dubious content of the articles they read on the DE website let alone post a coherent comment. If it’s racist in any way they lap it up like hungry kittens, yet they tell others to ignore mainstream media outlets. Our analysis revealed that they’re almost as illiterate as the wankers who post on the Britain First Facebook page. And that’s really saying something.”

When we spoke to a UKIP spokesman we were assured that: “Nigel Farage can do joined up writing, and that he’s currently working on the correct use of the apostrophe.”

Reg Bond for Cafe Spike


Why I Stopped Commenting On The Daily Express Online

Where the crazy people come out to play

Where the crazy people come out to play

Anyone who’s ever taken the trouble to look at the comments sections on Daily Express articles will undoubtedly have found it to be a very strange place indeed. There’s something remarkably other-worldly about this strange fantasy realm, along with its angry orc-like denizens. This is a land where failed politician Nigel Farage is elevated to Divine status, xenophobia is a virtue, and pent up fury is only ever as far away as the next blink of an eye.

It’s a place with a pack mentality and a language of its own; a place where spouting hate seems to be norm. Have the temerity to disagree in this strange land and be prepared to accept a virtual mauling. It’s no place for faint hearts – doubly so if you find being called a ‘traitor,’ a ‘lefty,’ or any number of other unsavoury labels offensive. Sitting in the guest of honour slot at the right hand of the Nigel is a new hero. Vladimir Putin is the new right wing hero because “he’s got balls and he doesn’t fanny about” when it comes to lobbing bombs about.

Something slightly ironic going on here methinks. Adherents of the right supporting a militaristic former KGB officer and lifelong Communist – until the wall came down and not much really changed for the average Russian, other than not being Communists any more. At least not officially. Very strange how the right laud this man, singing his praises over the internet whilst referring to the serving British Prime Minister as “CaMoron.” Almost all DE readers refer to the PM as “CaMoron.” I have no idea why they bother. Perhaps it’s intended to be witty, funny, ironic or even sarcastic, but whatever the reason, it isn’t any of those things. I’m no fan of Cameron myself; I just find it slightly ironic that a bunch of lifelong Conservatives (at least until they discovered UKIP) could be so traitorous ( a very popular word at the DE for all and sundry) to one of their own and even call the Tories ‘lefties.’

Another thing about this hero worship of Mr Putin that doesn’t appear to have been given a great deal of thought as the sabres are rattling – his bombing campaign in Syria is only likely to make the place even more intolerable than it already is for those remaining. So they’re going to flee. Which means more refugees. Which is odd because the readers who comment on the DE don’t like refugees at all, much less economic migrants. The general tone seems to suggest that these people are subhuman and as such ought to be blasted to smithereens. or at least shot. It doesn’t quite square up as a coherent argument, rather like everything UKIP ever says. It sounds dramatic but it makes no sense.

So what does a dissenting occasional columnist do? Joins the fray of course. Which is exactly what I did. I prodded and probed but mainly I just took the piss because what was being said on those pages hardly seemed worthy of formulating a coherent counter argument. In fact, most of it was completely barking mental.

What happens in online fora (or forums if you prefer) is that arguments are good. On the DE site hardly anybody argues because they all have the same opinion, which is repeated over and over again amidst a bit of backslapping. Dissenters usually get myriad responses, usually abusive at one level or another, and I got plenty of responses, at one or other of said levels, mainly it must be said abusive responses.

Abuse is fine by me – I’m used to it – but these people do their homework. Because I used my regular (open) Facebook page on log in, some genius had an idea to trace me and ‘out’ me to the world. Now that’s a piece of detective work even the legendary Holmes would have been proud of. (Not really – it just involved a couple of Google searches that a five year old could have executed.)

And the next move? Well, some genius decided to hint that they know where I live and that they know my home telephone number, and posted some of the detail they’d ‘uncovered’ along with a sort of thinly veiled threat to reveal this ‘secret information’ to extreme right wing groups.’  Basically being patriotic and ‘proper’ British and sort of a way of saying: “We can hurt you.” Which resulted in comments on the relevant thread becoming  disabled, because that sort of thing – although it may be democratic (according to personal interpretation) – it is ‘slightly’ illegal.

So after going for a really big shit – not because of them; it was the chicken jalfrezi – I went back and told them I wasn’t going anywhere.

And guess what? No call, no knock on the door – pretty much business as usual. Just empty threats from keyboard warriors with delusions of grandeur.

Having said that, I am concerned that one of them might post dog shit through my letter box while I’m either out or not looking, because that’s the way these people go into battle.

But it hasn’t happened yet. Thing is, I’d rather talk about any issues with these people but they don’t seem capable of discourse. But I have thought of a solution to that. We can meet over a pint in a local pub and converse via email so that they can get their point across by using the ‘CAPS LOCK’ button. No need for any disruption to other customers that way and it keeps the noise levels down.
It was fun for a few days, from the non-existent bacon sandwich ban, to the fictional police ban on wearing a patch in honour of fallen colleagues, through the usual racist and xenophobic nonsense which litter the pages in glorious profusion. Taking the piss was easy, but after a very short time the amusement value faded. After a short time the paranoia on display – the desire to convert Europe to Islam, the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, the New World Order, the Bilderberg Group – loses its madcap lustre and it all gets very dull indeed. Recently the DE has developed almost as an extension of nut-job groups like Britain First, the EDL and Pegida, which is an insane standpoint for any national newspaper.

So I announced that I was leaving, and got some warm farewell messages (Warm as in I got the impression they’d have been delighted to set me on fire.) and I called it a day.

There’s an old saying that says you can’t preach to the converted, and there’s a great deal of truth in that, but to be brutally honest I think the main reason I stopped taking the piss on the DE is that it’s such a depressing experience. I suppose it’s what happens when you get a small group of like minded delusional people actually believing that they speak for the majority. It’s a bit like having shackles removed at the moment, a blessed relief not to feel the urge to go there.

Unless it’s for the occasional foray in order to rip the piss out of Nigel Farage.

Never say never.

Martin Shuttlecock


What Happens In The First 60 Minutes After Reading The Mail And Express Online Comments Sections

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

Okay, I’ll come clean here and reveal one of my dirty little secrets. I suppose I should know better really, because stepping into dangerous territory against all medical and psychiatric advice is not recommended for even those of robust spirit, yet still I do it. It isn’t even as if there isn’t the information available, so there really isn’t any excuse for reading the comment sections tacked onto the bottom of ‘news’ articles in the Mail and Express online. It does get worrying though when you start to contribute too. It’s tantamount to submitting to madness.

I’ve tried cutting back; limiting my visits to once a week, and hoping to extend that to an occasional visit – say three or four times a year – but I failed dismally. The first month went okay, but then the addiction kicked in, and like any lapsed addict the pull of the right wing drug sucked me in and I started spending entire days reading the bigoted guff on these sites, and posting my own sarcastic ripostes. I even went as far as posing as a UKIP supporter one day, but had to give it up because I was almost starting to believe it myself.

Realising I was treading on dangerous ground I started to take notes, recording my feelings and responses over the course of an hour in order to document the potentially lethal damage a person can wreak on their own body by simply logging on to the Mail and Express websites and reading the comments over the course of one hour. A mere 60 minutes.

This is how it went.

5 Minutes – After five minutes I noted a marked increase in my adrenalin production. My eyes started to bulge and I could feel the hairs on the nape of my neck beginning to spike up. There’s an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. Are these actually real human beings posting these comments, or is there some kind of fiendish artificial intelligence at work churning this stuff out in reams?

12 Minutes – Anxiety kicks in. Am I really British? Suddenly I’m not so sure any more. According to these people who seem to be leaning slightly towards the political right I can’t possibly be British unless I truly want Britain to become great again. Basically by killing everybody else and building a huge wall around the country.

26 Minutes – Feeling a little calmer now and beginning to relax. There’s still a nagging dread that the whole of Britain has been concreted over and that tens of millions of people are putting us under siege in our own homes. I’m starting to get a bit nervous about setting foot outside the house for fear that some gang of foreign marauders will come and cut my head off in the street and nobody will come to my assistance. A quick glance out of the window allays most of these concerns. There aren’t any shadowy figures lurking behind the recycle bins intent on rape, torture and bloody murder. Mind you – the bloke up the kebab shop did once scowl at me when I asked for extra chilli sauce on my chicken shish…

37 Minutes – More fear kicks in. I’m learning a new language – the language of the extreme right and the conspiracy theorists. I’m also learning how to spell and use grammar to maximum effect. I learn new words and phrases and there’s no doubt I start to look at the world in a different light. I learn that everything going on today is part of an evil plot, masterminded by something called the ‘New World Order,’ I find out that I’m a ‘lefty cultural Marxist’  and a ‘traitor’ to my country. I’ve fallen for the mass deception that is the ‘Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan’ and that I don’t live in Europe any more. I live in the ‘EUSSR.’ I also discover ‘MSM,’ which apparently means mainstream media, as in the papers and TV, strictly unreliable news sources at best. It appears you have to get your news from places like infowars.com, Britain First, David Icke, Breitbart, Pegida and other secretive sources for all the real news. I may be scared but I discover I am at least learning something.

46 Minutes – Typographical errors and misplaced apostrophes no longer seem as important. I’m actually quite ambiguous about the way the ‘patriots’ on the DE and DM butcher the English language. I no longer flinch when I see things like ‘are country,’ or ‘they should all go back to they’re own country’s’ and that nothing is real any more – it’s all a false flag and done with photoshop. Either that or any pictorial content which doesn’t fit the agenda is ‘staged.’

51 Minutes – I find God. I’ve not been overly religious for a long time, so it’s a relief in a way to find out that I was worshipping the wrong God anyway. The new and only real god is a bloke named Nigel, and the new religion is called UKIP. There is only one commandment in the UKIP religion – Thou shalt adore no other God than Nigel. Nigel is the chosen one and must be revered at all times.  I learn of the axis of evil, which is LibLabCon McBilderberg. Voting for the axis is punishable by death.

59 Minutes – I’m wracked by doubt. Is everybody other than Nigel out to kill me? Should I really be calling for refugees to drown in the murky depths of the Med? Should I be a Hungarian or something? Is Vladimir Putin a communist or a strong leader? Is everybody who isn’t UKIP ‘traitorous?’ Should my response to any humanitarian crisis be to say: “Send the army in and shoot them all?” Should I join Britain First? Should I type everything with the Caps Lock button activated and toss in copious amounts of exclamation marks? I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality.

60 Minutes – I look at the responses to my comments on the DM and DE and discover that most of them don’t like me at all. They call be hurtful things like ‘Shuttledick’ and accuse me of being a ‘paid shill.’ Unable to take it any more I turn off the laptop. I’m in floods of tears. I come to the shocking realisation that I’m probably better dead.

I’m in a whirl. I desperately need some positive affirmation. I pick up the phone and call my mate Lynton. He has this knack of being quietly reassuring, putting my mind at ease. He says I’m an idiot for looking at those sites in the first place because despite what the comments say they aren’t the true voice of Britain. “What they are mate,” Lynton informs me. “Is a bunch of sad old gits with no sense of humour, no education, no intelligence and probably no significant other in their lives either. They’re all to old and decrepit to go around making threats and advocating race riots. Just sad, lonely old men,” Lynton concludes.

“A bit like me then really?” I chuckle, feeling somewhat uplifted.

“Exactly,” he says.

I’m not quite sure how to take that.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike


The Refugee Crisis – Discuss

Think about the bountiful food banks son

Think about the bountiful food banks son

Is this the end of the world as we know it? Probably – at least it is if you read the comments section in the Daily Express. According to the DE readers we’re being swamped by hordes of cockroach-like benefit scroungers, hell bent on converting the indigenous population to Islam and Sharia law. Our culture and essential nationally established Christianity are being eroded by the EUSSR (Whatever that is) the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan (No idea what that is either) and we’re all doomed. The end of the world is nigh.

That’s if we don’t all freeze to death in the DE’s predicted six-month Arctic Winter.

It’s an emotive issue for sure, and one which has the most liberal of people fuming into their cappuccino’s. The logic works like this: Why should we help these benefit scroungers when we can’t look after our own elderly? When young couples can’t get on the bottom rung of the housing ladder? When our streets are littered with rough sleepers? When we treat our ex-service personnel like social lepers once their service is over?

On the surface it’s a reasonable argument. People are running scared. Scrape away the veneer of the argument and two questions stand out. In our right wing orientated ‘me me me’ society, did anybody really give a shit about the homeless? The elderly? The ex-service personnel? Those on zero hour contracts? The other question is: What does any of this have to do with helping refugees?

The sad truth is that the vast majority of people didn’t give a rat’s arse about the elderly, the veterans, the homeless or the poor. Most people didn’t give a flying fuck, and therein lies the problem. What does it have to do with helping refugees? Sweet fuck all.

And all this bollocks about being a proud Christian nation? When did you last go to church? Christian churches have been battling falling congregations for decades, because too many true and proud Christians would rather go down the car boot sale on a Sunday morning.

Back to the refugees…they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. IS on the one side, Assad’s barrel bombs on the other, not forgetting Al Qaeda and the Al Nusra Front. According to many, the young men among the refugees should be staying put and fighting for their homeland. But fighting with what? Shovels? Kitchen knives? Frying pans? They can’t stand and fight because they have nothing to fight with. You can’t fight tanks, machine guns, assault rifles and on the Assad side an air force with sticks and stones. So they fled. It was either run or die for most of them. Imagine yourself in such a circumstance.

Not being completely wet behind the ears, I can see that among the genuine refugees there are economic migrants, and even potential terrorists. Just think about the latter for a moment. IS boast that they’ll smuggle thousands of jihadists into the country, and again, people here are scared. But could they actually do that? Many of the genuine refugees come in village and family units – they know who is IS and who isn’t. Would they make the journey with sleepers in their midst? Somehow I doubt that, but most people seem to take the propaganda at face value as dispensed by the ever reliable tabloids.

The refugees didn’t impose benefit sanctions on the sick, disabled and unemployed. Nor did they have any bearing on how our elderly, the homeless, or the ex-service personnel are treated. We need to look a little closer to home for that. That is our government’s responsibility. They collect the taxes and they decide how that money is to be spent. Rather than help the disadvantaged they’ve chosen to allow billion pound industries to evade paying any tax at all. They’ve supported bankers’ bonuses amounting to millions. They squandered a billion of tax payers’ money in a single day by selling off a portion of RBS to their mates. And the supreme irony is that they were democratically elected – despite them telling everybody in the clearest possible terms what they were going to do. As that doyen of the Daily Mail, Richard Littlejohn might say: “You couldn’t make it up!”

As for the refugees, blissfully unaware of our first world problems they cling to flimsy dinghies bobbing around in the Mediterranean swells and shitting themselves, praying they won’t drown en-route, or they scramble through razor wire in Eastern Europe hoping not to be on the wrong end of a kick in the bollocks from a burly Hungarian riot cop. Hoping for sanctuary, hoping for safety, and if we aren’t all too busy at the time maybe a word of welcome, a smile and a friendly word or gesture.

Let’s not forget that it was principally the UK and the USA who instigated this state of play, this theatre of war, by arming Assad’s opponents because Assad didn’t fit in with their agenda. Effectively we armed and equipped IS – or Daesh as they should more correctly be described – thus causing this tide of human misery to flee the Daesh and abandon their homes. Or at least the ones that weren’t already razed to the ground. It’s our duty to help these people, our collective obligation.

Austerity doesn’t work. Our problems are problems of our own design, and nothing to do with refugees. We can afford to spend half a million on a missile to blow up a pick-up truck but Jimmy from down the road gets his benefits stopped because he was two minutes late for an appointment, combat veterans with mental health issues can be abandoned to a life without a roof over their heads and we can’t offer a helping hand to people whose problems are directly attributable to us.

Stop the world – I really do want to get off.

Martin Shuttlecock.


UKIP Supporters Accuse Mail Online Of Cynical Ratings Manipulation

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

Commenters on UKIP articles on the Mail Online have accused the site moderators of cynically manipulating the up/down red/green arrow ratings in order to discredit UKIP and make the party’s supporters appear no better than a bunch of paranoid, ranting lunatics.

“It’s a sneaky, underhand tactic designed to discredit Nigel and the party,” one told us. “If people post anything complimentary about Nigel, the red arrows come flying in like the clappers, yet negative comments get similarly green arrowed. It’s obviously a fix.”

In order to test the conspiracy theory we interviewed a bloke down the pub who just happened to be reading a copy of the Mail. He told us that he looks at the paper’s online website too and that he didn’t see any obvious indications of arrow rigging.

“I’m a Conservative myself,” he told us. “But I am in no way biased against UKIP. I just follow the party line and quite frankly I agree that they’re a bunch of swivel eyed loons. They probably get so many down votes on the website because they’re all as nutty as fruitcakes and never stop twatting on about Nigel and complaining about the EU. That and the fact that they’re only on about twelve percent in the polls, which means that eighty eight percent of people don’t agree with them. I’ll be glad when they get their two seats or whatever they’re expecting and bloody shut up. They get on my nerves.”

“It’s a joke is that arrow based scoring system,” one UKIP supporter complained. “They obviously manipulate the statistics because the whole world knows exactly how important the red and green arrows on a website populated almost exclusively by lunatics are. Putin does the same thing with his hired stooges in Russia. They’re all in it together you know, the Mail, Putin, the lefties, the Muslims, the EUSSR, the Greens and the Jihadists. And the reason why they do it is because they’re all afraid of Nigel and the UKIP revolution, but we’ll have the last laugh when Nigel is in Downing Street and we’ve taken our country back.”

Yes, of course you will. You haven’t really thought this through, have you?

Paddy Berzinski


Express Takes Over From Mail Online In The Controversial Comments Stakes

Who's The Daddy Now?

Who’s The Daddy Now?

There hasn’t been much to speak of in terms of good news recently, as we’re sure you don’t need reminding. Civilians being bombed in Gaza, IS running amok in Syria and Iraq, the ugly spectre of racist policing being a fact of life in the USA, Ebola, and the ice bucket challenge. A quick pootle around the internet confirms all of the above and more, and as our leaders enter into crisis talks concerning national security at various holiday destinations around the globe, one is left wondering how such seemingly intractable problems are ever going to be resolved.

In fairness to Britain, Home Secretary Theresa May has acted swiftly and decisively, demonstrating leadership of Churchillian proportions by vowing to punish returning Jihadists with…ASBO’s… (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders – similar to the type of ASBO you’d get for playing loud music all night or persistently pissing in your neighbour’s wheelie bin…)

Here at Café Spike we aren’t overtly political – we tend to believe in doing the right thing – but Ms May’s deterrent to those guys out in Syria or Iraq who are beheading and crucifying people seems to be laughably inadequate.

“Best not cut his head off Razza…we don’t want the old Bill waiting for us at Stratford when we get back. Could end up wiv an ASBO bruv…”

We don’t know what the solution is, if indeed there is one, but a great many people do. They are the ones who post comments on sites like the Mail and Express online.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. "Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats" one reported.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. “Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats” one reported.

Now, the Mail comments have long had a reputation for being right wing and extremely intolerant, not to mention outspoken. The less popular Express site we at Café Spike had largely regarded as irrelevant – until we looked at it recently. And whilst the Islamic State fighters may not actually be shitting themselves at the prospect of an ASBO – the keyboard warriors here in the UK and elsewhere certainly appear to be a cause for concern, as they try to out-UKIP one another.

The general consensus appears to be that had UKIP been in power here in the UK that civilian airliners wouldn’t have been shot down, the whole middle east situation would never have happened and that the American police would have eliminated ethnic minorities decades ago.

Perhaps these commentators’ views would carry more weight if the keyboard warriors could actually achieve some sort of command of their mother tongue, and perhaps not express their views in shouty upper case letters strewn flamboyantly with half of the global supply of exclamation marks.

And the Express comments won our ‘Oh My God!’ award when one thicko described the Notting Hill Carnival as the “Ebola and street crime festival.”

It’s good to know that our nation’s heritage is in good hands.

It could be worse – these people could have their fingers hovering over the button…