Britain’s Intelligence Rating Slashed By 37 Points

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason's

Reason enough to crack open a bottle of Bolly on the way to Fortnum and Mason’s.

The Global Intelligence Monitoring Partnership (GIMP) announced from its Geneva HQ this morning that Britain’s official intelligence rating has slumped in the last month by a shattering 37 points, taking it to an all time new low of 38 – a level not seen since the dark ages.

The controversial rating has sparked furore in Geneva, with Scotland’s GIMP representative, Hamish Mullin describing the downgrading as: “Misleading.”

“This rating applies mainly to the English,” Mr Mullin explained. “And some of Wales. Generally speaking the intelligence rating of the Scots and Northern Irish has been unaffected. Discussions I’ve been involved in almost unanimously conclude that the English have had their collective intellect grossly inflated for centuries. In reality the English have always been a bit thick. This applies to some of the Welsh too.

“Only the English would tolerate Henry VIII, Jack the Ripper, Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Margaret Thatcher and Nigel Farage. I mean, they voted for Brexit and elected Cameron as PM and Gideon Osborne as Chancellor – proof positive that generally speaking the English are as thick as fuck.

“Just don’t ask me about the Americans.”

More as we get it.

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