Apple MacBook Pro a massive disappointment says local man

Shuttlecock - still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Shuttlecock – still banned from the Express comments section despite owning a MacBook Pro which has been a massive disappointment.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, who invested in a state of the art Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer some time ago has declared that his investment has given him little more than massive disappointment.

“My Apple MacBook pro laptop computer has been a massive disappointment to be honest with you,” said Shuttlecock, who found his Apple MacBook Pro laptop computer to be a massive disappointment according to reports. “I was expecting a whole new world of information technology and online entertainment to open up before me and it simply didn’t happen.

“Once I’d plugged it in and got it up and running it proved to be no better than my old Dell laptop, the one covered in fag ash and beer spillage.

“I was expecting a dramatic improvement in my Facebook page, but it was just the same old shite as usual, and even on my Apple MacBook Pro laptop the Express comments sections are still frequented by the same depressing nutters, as is the Mail online, which contains exactly the same bullshit as it did on the old Dell laptop. I really do think Apple need to up their game if they’re going to be competitive and justify charging extortionate prices for hardware that just spews out the same old crap day after day.

“I even looked at my own website, and it was just as crap as it was on the old fag burn scarred Dell.

“And still nobody likes or shares our stuff. If you ask me, I’d say Apple need to sort their act out.

“This MacBook Pro has just been a massive disappointment.”

More as we get it.

* Next week – Shuttlecock reveals why his new LG HD 3D TV is a massive disappointment because there’s fuck all on it worth watching.


Revolutionary New Editing Software A Godsend For Mediocre Writers

Editors - In League With The Devil

Editors – In League With The Devil

Software publishers God-No Inc announced early Saturday that they are to launch their Big-Ed Editorial software package sometime in early April, although as yet they have not specified a date.

The new software promises to cut out all the stressful, technically challenging, time consuming attention to detail and fuss and bother from the self-publishing process, leaving the writer with more time to conceive hopelessly idiotic ideas that nobody in their right mind would ever want to read, whilst packaging the entire process into some kind of vaguely coherent final product.

Which nobody will ever buy. Not even for $0.99

The software will effectively take the place of a real life editor, according to the distributors. It will cover all bases, from manufacture to marketing, pointing the customer in the right direction in simple to follow steps. It will also adopt AI in order to eliminate superfluous prose from manuscripts, suggest alternative grammatical structures, point out plot flaws and highlight points where extra detail should be added in order to give the narrative of the author’s work a sense of structure.

“It’s exciting,” Clive Johnson, Operations and Commercial Director of God-No Inc told us. “It’s the first complete self publishing package ever, and it can literally turn a poorly executed ream of absolute drivel into a best-selling literary masterpiece at the click of a mouse. The end result is perfect every time. It even makes the most pathetic attempts at penmanship passable. We used to call it ‘The Turd Polisher’ when it was in development. This software is to literature what auto-tune was to the music business.”

Not only does the Big-Ed package guarantee a perfect product, it also automatically generates promotional advertising on social media of the highest standard. It’s been described as: “The Saatchi And Saatchi of shit books.”

Big-Ed doesn’t come cheap though, although it probably works out cheaper than hiring a human editor, and according to previews it’s a worthwhile investment for aspiring authors.

The basic package is expected to retail for $2,500 with a de-luxe version – complete with coffee maker and fully stocked drinks cabinet – expected to retail at $3,500 with full 24 hour technical support.

“Just about the only thing you don’t get with this package,” Johnson informed us, “are the screams of frustration and pent up fury of a real life human editor as he tears his hair out and bangs his head repeatedly on his desk top as he suffers a nervous breakdown at having to deal with delusional fools who somehow think they are writers.”