So we called that wrong – but Theresa May is still very much a dead woman walking

She certainly ain't Wonder Woman

She certainly ain’t Wonder Woman

As you, our sole reader may recall, we predicted that Theresa May would be gone by Monday, and it didn’t happen, although we weren’t exactly a million miles out on the prediction.

Instead we have the potential Coalition Of Chaos squatting in the in tray, with the DUP waiting in the wings. In short, despite all the bluster, the Tories are in a mess and it’s only the fact that they’ve had no real option other than a show of solidarity that Theresa May is still squatting in Number Ten.

So, how serious is this show of solidarity?

Personally I wouldn’t trust a single one of them. Consider Boris Johnson’s behaviour at the recent Cabinet meeting – shooting glares at Michael Gove three seats away as if threatening to take him out the back and give him a kicking. George Osborne (now mercifully out of the picture yet still one of the “breed”) going full on ballistic from the Evening Standard gun turrets and the opportunistic scramble for prominence amongst the whole gang of them.

We’d like to think of it as forced loyalty. Loyalty borne of necessity. Then there’s the toxic DUP to consider…

It won’t last long.

Paddy Berzinski

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May will be gone by Monday – Exclusive

Off you fuck Theresa.

Off you fuck Theresa.

As if a disastrous election campaign wasn’t bad enough for Theresa May and the Conservatives, they now appear to be looking for a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party in order to hold a razor thin majority in Westminster – a move which is sounding alarm bells in all quarters.

It seems it’s perfectly acceptable for Theresa May to form an alliance with a bunch of right wing religious zealots in order to cling on to power by her fingernails, yet when Jeremy Corbyn held conciliatory meetings with the IRA he was lambasted as the devil incarnate.

Clutching at straws, consorting with terrorists and jeopardising the Northern Ireland peace process by making deals with a group involved in a multi-million pound solar energy scam which almost bankrupted the province isn’t seen as the way to go by anyone – not even May’s fellow Tories.

She really is in an untenable position, and obviously in denial.

We’re predicting she’ll have no alternative other than to resign on Monday, as the desperation increases and reality kicks in. The only possible outcome is that she’ll be issued with an ultimatum by her own party.

She won’t accept being unceremoniously booted out leaving resignation as the only option.

Martin Shuttlecock

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For God’s Sake Woman – RESIGN!

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity...

And now the end is near, and so I face the final indignity…

You know what Theresa me old flower – take your austerity programme, take your police cuts, your local authority cuts, take your dementia tax, take your benefit sanctions, take your bring back fox hunting proposal, take your strength and stability, take your privatisation plan for the NHS, take your HS2, take your Brexit negotiation, take your ivory trade, take your privatisation plans for our energy, take your DUP chums, take your Saudi arms deals, take your Trump loving chums, take Iain Duncan Smith, take William Rees-Mogg and his multi-million pound government handouts, take the Mail, take the Express, take the Torygraph, take your running in wheat fields, take your “fuck me” shoes and take your necklaces made out of fox testicles and go.

Resign.

The people have had enough of you.

PS – Don’t forget to feed the cat on your way out.

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Theresa May addicted to lemon-sucking claims quack doctor

Is this possible? Could Theresa May’s continuously gurning visage be a side effect of uncontrolled lemon sucking or is it just a load of old nonsense? We contacted the quack doctor who made the outrageous claim and this is what he told us: [Read more…]

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Welborne – Affordable homes from £55k – but there’s a catch

Welborne - behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Welborne – behind the kite flying and the manicured lawns.

Fareham Borough Councils’ Camorra representative, Sean Woodchuckio – currently marketing Welborne Garden Village with kites and manicured lawns – today vowed that the controversial development would be all inclusive, with 2,000 new dwellings to be made immediately available at affordable levels. [Read more…]

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Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.

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Andrea Leadsom In A Nutshell

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Popular with Express readers but not so much with foxes. Leadsom.

Until recently the vast majority of the British public had barely heard of Prime Ministerial contender Andrea Leadsom, so to save you the trouble we’ve done the research for you. CafeSpike.com proudly presents a potted history of Andrea Leadsom.

Ms Leadsom attributes her strongly held Christian values to the fact that she was born in a stable in Bethlehem beneath a shining star after her parents were turned away from an inn which had been fully booked up by gay couples in Bethlehem for an LGBT wedding. She insists to this day that she isn’t bitter over the incident, citing that she regularly attends a donkey sanctuary as evidence.

In 1066 Leadsom was working as a military advisor to King Harold. The king ignored Leadsom’s tactical battle plan and got shot in the eye by an archer. “If only he’d listened, we’d never have lost the battle of Hastings and Britain would have remained British,” Leadsom mourned some days after the event.

In 1534 Leadsom founded the Church of England after telling the Pope to get stuffed. “It was me behind that,” Leadsom told friends. “Henry VIII was nominally in charge of the state at the time but in reality he was always off bonking one or other of his wives or stuffing his face with chicken legs and red wine, so I took charge. Henry was fun to be around but in affairs of state he was about as much use as a cheesecloth condom.”

During World War II Ms Leadsom was employed as a speech writer for then Prime Minister, Winston Churchill. “All that stuff about fighting them on the beaches and never in the field of human conflict – that was me that was. Winnie wasn’t very good with words and he was off his nut on brandy 24/7. Not a lot of people know that, but I do.”

In the searing heat of the 2008 credit crunch crisis which plunged the world into recession it was Ms Leadsom who saved Britain’s bacon. “Poor Gordon Brown was completely out of his depth,” she reportedly said. “So I took over. I couldn’t believe the scale of the mess we were in as a nation so I took immediate damage limitation steps. That involved making some tough decisions, but had I not taken command of the situation we’d have been in worse financial shape than Greece. I’m quite proud of my role in our recovery actually, although I don’t really like talking about it.”

And there’s more to Andrea Leadsom than simply being an outstanding politician; she also has sporting and artistic streaks and has always been highly active in both fields, aside from her stellar political and banking careers.

In the 1970’s she assisted Francis Ford Coppola during the filming of the Oscar winning Godfather films in the capacity of technical advisor. “That was fun,” she told Empire Magazine. “And not without creative differences. Francis was initially very dubious about including the horse’s head scene but I insisted. I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer – the rest is history. At the time I called Brando, DeNiro and Pacino my “boys.” You could say that I really had my stamp all over those films.”

In the 1960’s Leadsom was also an influential behind the scenes figure in the football world. “Yes,” Ms Leadsom smiled in a TV interview in 1970. “It was me that told Alf to put Hursty in the starting eleven, and I told Matt Busby to use Nobby Stiles to man mark Eusebio in the 68 European Cup Final. It all made perfect sense to me. Of course I faced a few raised eyebrows, but in the end I was proved correct. As I always am.”

Ms Leadsom was also a hands on supporter of the civil rights movement in the USA in the turbulent 60’s, marching hand in hand with Dr Martin Luther King on many occasions and witnessing the slaying of Malcolm X at the Audubon Ballroom in Harlem, New York. Ms Leadsom is also a super mother, an accomplished juggler, a playwright, a gymnast and has worked as a stunt double for Angelina Jolie in a series of action movies.

Not forgetting of course her tireless work for charity and keen interest in offshore banking and tax havens.

Source: Billy Fisher.

Article by Paddy Berzinski.

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Where’s Gideon? Has Anybody Seen Him?

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

It’s the new game that’s taking the nation by storm since the referendum result was announced – the hunt for George Osborne, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer is well and truly on.

Gideon – as we like to call him – hasn’t appeared in public since the referendum result was announced, which has led to all manner of speculation, given that his boss – Bacon Bonce Cameron at least had the good grace to address the nation in order to inform us that he’s chucked in the towel.

So where is Gideon?

Some say he’s beavering away at the treasury trying desperately to make some sense out of the economic carnage caused by the Brexit vote; some say he’s gone off on a drug and alcohol fuelled bender, and some insist he’s buried up to the nuts in some high class call girl or other.

Here at Cafe Spike we’re not sure. The best we can come up with is that he’s buggered off to China because he thinks the Chinese are his mates, and that he’ll hand them a bung in order to promote football or the dog eating festival or something.

To be honest, we haven’t a clue where he is.

If anyone sees him can you let us know?

Many thanks.

Cafe Spike

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Dear Mr Cameron – The Knives Are Out

Little PIIII-IIG! Little PIG! HERE'S JOHNNY!

Little PIIII-IIG! Little PIG! HERE’S JOHNNY!

The foundations of the Prime Minister’s tenure appeared to be crumbling as further revelations of corruption surfaced as a result of the recent leak regarding a Panamanian tax haven which revealed that Mr Cameron’s late father was an avid tax evader.

With the Conservative government’s reputation and honour lying in tatters there are increasing calls for them all to resign or face imprisonment from concerned citizens.

“These bastards are selling off the family silver in order to line their own pockets, and then have the audacity to avoid paying taxes,” irate taxpayer Walter Hetherington raged. “And to fund all this they’re cutting back on public services? It’s ridiculous. How can they possibly sleep at night in the full knowledge that they’re hurting the poor and the sick and hammering the working man?

“I’d suggest that they do the right thing for once and disappear back down their rat holes before the public loses patience and they’re strung up from a lamp post like Mussolini. Or was that Hitler? I don’t know but it’s all a disgrace when you think about it. And we aren’t having it. Enough is enough – Barbra Streisand and the late lamented disco diva Donna Summer once sang – if memory serves.

“Anyway. He wouldn’t ever lie to us.”

 

Ted Pemberton

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David Cameron Is Absolutely Not Corrupt

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

“…In any way whatsoever,” said lifelong Conservative voter Oscar Howard. “There’s just been a misunderstanding somewhere and I’m sure it’ll all sort itself out, but I don’t believe a word of it myself.”

This, hot on the heels of Panamagate; leaked documents from Panama revealing that allegedly David Cameron’s late father Ian, was heavily involved in an international money laundering operation involving such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Colonel Gaddafi and Bashar Al Assad. [Read more…]

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