Sajid Javid pranks steelworkers on April Fools Day

An increasingly common sight - a Conservative with egg on his face.

An increasingly common sight – a Conservative with egg on his face.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid pranked the steelworkers of Port Talbot yesterday by turning up and pretending to be concerned about imminent job losses at Tata Steel.

Javid, whose governmental superiors blocked a proposed EU tariff on Chinese steel dumping because Gideon Osborne’s “economic recovery” depended on fictional Chinese wealth and investment successfully feigned sympathetic concern when he met with union leaders, although he really didn’t give a monkey’s and was mightily pissed off at having his Australian jaunt at the taxpayers’ expense rudely cut short.

To add insult to injury the Chinese government in Beijing were at the same time planning to set a massive tariff on steel imported from Europe, which sort of suggests that Mr Cameron’s government aren’t very good when it comes to picking out political and economic alliances. Just another cock up on the fiscal front.

Still, the steelworkers can but hope that Sajid Javid’s “hard work” to save their livelihoods pays off, but had I been there at Port Talbot yesterday there’s no way on earth I’d have shaken his hand.



George Osborne now Britain’s most popular man

Gideon mate - give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

Gideon mate – give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

It’s true – Gideon has metamorphosed from cartoon villain to peoples’ champion on the strength of his autumn spending review after climbing down on proposed tax credit cuts and further cuts to the police budget. Good ole Gideon said that he’s listened to the people and subsequently executed an astonishing U-turn because such a measure would penalise hard working families unnecessarily, and categorically not executed the U-turn because it could well have smashed his political career to smithereens, led to the downfall of the Bullingdon Boys government and made the Conservative party look slightly less psychopathic than Pol Pot or Uncle Joe Stalin.

Gideon’s actions have at last given some degree of credibility to the party’s claims that they are now the party representing the workers of Great Britain. We asked a great British worker if he really felt that the Conservatives are the party of the common man?

Andy Prentiss works in a factory in Oxfordshire. Here’s what he told us:

“Oh yes. I feel safe under the Conservatives, more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life. I earn the minimum wage working for an agency and could be fired at a moment’s notice with no recourse to appeal of any kind. At least I have work and I’m grateful for that. I understand that sometimes my services aren’t needed and I think it’s really brilliant that the Conservatives are so keen to get people into work but not so keen on protecting those people once they are in work. It makes me feel needed and valuable – even though I get treated like shit all the time and the company I work for pays fuck all in taxes despite making millions in profit. It’s only right that I stand on my own two feet. And thanks to the wonderful Conservatives I know that if I’m really on the bones of my arse I can always feed the kids by way of the food bank while they sort my JSA claim out when I get fired so that I can be re-engaged on a lower pay scale, which I have to accept or I’ll have my benefits sanctioned. We truly do live in enlightened times, and it’s mainly due to the people’s party – the Conservatives.”

In related news, rumours that £2 billion in foreign aid to a certain South American country has been ring fenced in order to promote exports of Colombian Marching Powder have been vehemently denied by a Whitehall insider with a bad case of the sniffles.

Ted Pemberton


Nicola Sturgeon – If Looks Could Kill

A Picture What We Took Of Our Clapped Out Dell Laptop Screen Last Night

A Picture What We Took Of Our Clapped Out Dell Laptop Screen Last Night

If ever a look could be described as ‘withering,’ or be described as an expression of utter contempt it was the unwavering glare with which the Scottish Nationalist Party’s leader Nicola Sturgeon skewered David Cameron at the VE Day commemoration ceremony in London yesterday. She screwed David Cameron with surgical precision, with the classic thousand yard stare, which suggested that she isn’t really all that keen on the man or his party, and that if he thinks the spirit of Scotland is dead – then he’s got another think coming.

Mr Cameron – he could only squirm and look to the heavens, or at his feet as he was forced to stand in line with the people he’s basically – along with his PR machine – fucked into oblivion as he went through the desperate charade of even attempting to be patriotic.

That he couldn’t look Nick Clegg in the eye was understandable, if not forgivable. The big question is: Will he be able to look the families whose loved ones he’s plunged into a pit of despair in the eye? Probably not. Samantha’s out showing off on her new scooter, the kids are with the nannies and there are things to do – like don the gladrags for a cornball celebration, complete with a bollocks 80s musical theme somewhere in Mayfair. That’s David Cameron for you – the man who repeats the word ‘clear’ ad nauseum yet remains as transparent as a galvanised steel bucket filled with farmyard excreta.

Embarrassing or what Mr Cameron? Are you the man who would lead from the front or the snivelling coward sipping champagne and nibbling on canapés from way behind the line, while the front line troops are consumed in an orgy of mud, blood and bullets?

Here at Café Spike we reckon that Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish race and the people who didn’t vote for you have you well sussed. We know that you’re a gutless wonder who only has the courage of his convictions because Rupert Murdoch’s media empire, allied with the Telegraph and the Mail are behind you.

The truth is that you have deceived a nation. You’ve drip-fed the population a diet of fear and insecurity, when you are the only person, and your loathsome party are the only thing people ever needed to fear. We’ve got your number mate. Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP have your number. That Bullingdon Club BS cuts no ice with us.

Expect a rough ride. It’s what happens when you ride roughshod over everybody else.

Martin Shuttlecock


Iain Duncan Smith Makes Election Pledge To Help The Disadvantaged

We Didn't Have A Pic Of IDS But Here's One Of His Rich Mates

We Didn’t Have A Pic Of IDS But Here’s One Of His Rich Mates

Conservative Inquisition grand master, Iain Duncan Smith today vowed to give every assistance possible to the disadvantaged in our society, after five years of kicking them in the balls and driving them to desperation, and in extreme cases, possibly suicide.

The Minister for Murder told an audience of prominent bankers at a London hotel that with an election looming it would be ‘morally indefensible’ to continue to penalise poor people for being poor. Following gasps of horror from the champagne and truffle consuming audience, Duncan Smith smiled like a shark, before adding:

“Relax, it’s just an election promise,” he said. “It’s the old carrot and stick ploy – the poverty stricken will lap it up if the greedy avaricious benefit scrounging bastards think there’s going to be something in it for them. Of course there won’t be. Promises were made to be broken, and I’m just the man for the job,” he said.

In related news the MOD announced today that it was considering a government proposal to use the long term sick and disabled for target practice during exercises on Salisbury Plain.