Donald Trump Stole Kim Kardashian’s Bra, Swears Mail Reader

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

Avid Daily Mail reader Tom England is convinced that Donald Trump stole Kim Kardashian’s bra after pictures emerged of the reality TV star wearing a see-through top and no bra emerged on social media.

“When I saw the pictures of Kim all but showing her top bollocks off I knew straight away that somebody had stolen her bra, and that somebody has to be Donald Trump,” Mr England said last night. “He’s the only one who fits the bill. I used to be a Trump supporter but the recent revelations regarding his sexist exploits have put me right off him.

“It’s not at all like Kim to go out half dressed unless there’s a very good reason for it, and I’m convinced somebody stole her bra. Having completed an online course in criminal profiling I applied the basic principles to the case of Kim’s stolen bra and lo and behold, Donald Trump emerged as the prime suspect.

“My research has also revealed that Barack Obama has had full sex with Michelle Obama at least twice, that the Queen is really a man named Bert, and that Katie Price is a sex robot experiment that didn’t work out as planned.

“But of course the New World Order wouldn’t ever allow me to say such things in public. They’d have me assassinated or something.”


That’s enough of that nonsense, thank you very much.




A Furious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

A Furious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

Because apparently some bloke from Hartlepool says so and he can prove it because he’s done a study. Which sort of suggests that aliens have a keen interest in the North East region of England. Which is a bit strange really once you get to thinking about it.

If aliens are so interested in the North East, then surely they’d get a far greater insight into the local culture, customs and sense of humour by simply logging on to the Viz Comic online.

It’s a fucking site more economical than building expensive spaceships and travelling for thousands of light years to a distant galaxy only to hover about in the sky at night. I mean, if they’re lucky they might catch the Fat Slags getting a seeing to up against a skip in the Dog And Hammer car park, but they’ll see fuck all else, because most normal people will be in bed.

Adopting the same journalistic criteria I can PROVE that the DAILY EXPRESS is crap and that it prints a non-stop torrent of absolute bollocks because I’ve done a study too.

Have some of that then DAILY EXPRESS you xenophobic fascist bastard scaremongering fuckwits.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Global Cocoa Bean Shortage Is A False Flag Conspiracy

We Will Bombard Our Foes With Crème Eggs

We Will Bombard Our Foes With Crème Eggs

The announcement was made this morning at a press conference in a Brighton café, where regular You Tube poster Tim Foyle-Hyatt addressed two like-minded individuals and a Café Spike reporter who’d only wandered in for an espresso and to shelter from the rain.

“There is no cocoa bean shortage!” Foyle-Hyatt bellowed, to the consternation of two staff members who briefly considered calling the police. “It’s another government false flag perpetrated by the New World Order in order to put the fear of God up chocolate lovers around the world!”

A passionate orator, Harrow educated Foyle-Hyatt went on to question the alleged global cocoa bean shortage by stating that he’d popped into the Co-Op en-route to the press conference and purchased two bars of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, a Bourneville, a Crème Egg, a Bounty Bar and a Fry’s Turkish Delight without being challenged once by store security guards.

“So how is that a shortage?” he challenged his partially attentive audience of three. “It isn’t! There is no cocoa bean shortage! I was drinking Cadbury’s Drinking Chocolate last night until it started coming out of my ears! If there was a shortage, chocolate would be under armed guard. Like money and gold and jewels and stuff like that. It’s all just a myth.”

Foyle-Hyatt then went on to blame the New World Order, the Illuminati and the government globalisationalists for scaremongering in order to hike up the price of chocolate whilst lowering the quality of chocolate products.

“Everybody knows that Hershey products are only ten percent chocolate, and that Cadbury’s are twenty percent, so our governments and their puppet-masters tell us there’s a shortage of cocoa beans. There isn’t. They just want to upset chocolate lovers by reducing the amount of cocoa butter in chocolate products so that they can ride the cash cow,” Foyle-Hatt said. “it’s all about the money. That’s the bottom line. The sheeple need to wake the blinking flip up!”

In fairness, given the recent Crème Egg conspiracy and the United States ban on Cadbury’s products he might actually have a point.

Reporter – Martin Shuttlecock.


Climate Change Myth Conclusively Busted

It's Even Cold In Italy - The Rome-Naples Express Pictured Yesterday

It’s Even Cold In Italy – The Rome-Naples Express Pictured Yesterday

Recent figures released by NASA and endorsed almost universally by academics within the global scientific community, which suggest that the climate is gradually warming have been proved beyond all doubt to be absolute hogwash.

NASA released a satellite map which charts temperature fluctuation around the globe, which revealed that in 2014 the vast majority of the planet – some 85% – experienced the highest ever recorded temperatures, whilst only 15% experienced overall decreases.

The areas affected by falling temperatures included the United States and Antarctica – the rest of the world appears to have experienced an incremental increase in warming, with some of the worst affected areas being central Africa, western Europe and Australasia.

However, the results have been slammed by some academics as ‘pure fantasy.’

“All of this stuff is a myth,” Fox News meteorological expert Eugene Oregon from Ogden, Utah told us. “It’s just another false flag from the government alarmists designed to prop up that Kenyan in the White House. They’re just lying to us because they want to take away our guns. The truth is that they keep on believing these stupid myths, and pushing them on God fearing Americans hoping we’ll submit to their Commie based New World Order.

Conclusive Proof - Red Bits Getting Warmer, Blue Bits Getting Colder

Conclusive Proof – Red Bits Getting Warmer, Blue Bits Getting Colder

“It’s obviously a crock of crap. Even if the rest of the world is heating up. All I know is that I’m a proud American who lives by the Second Amendment. I should give a cartwheeling crap if Africa or Europe or Asia is getting a little hotter. It’s snowing in my back yard right now and that’s all I need to know. Providing we tighten up our border controls and clamp down on the Muslims we’ll be just dandy. We don’t need the rest of the world. They can stick their climate change BS up their asses. We’ll stick with American weather for American people, and if by any chance it does start getting too hot we’ll just nuke the sun or something. Don’t you worry, we can take care of ourselves – the rest of the world can go to hell. Praise the Lord.”

And pass the sunblock.

Reporter: Bill High, the hippy guy.


Five Things You Probably Don’t Want To Know – But We’ll Tell You Anyway

We're All Gonna Burn

We’re All Gonna Burn

1) – Conspiracy Theories Are Really Stupid

The JFK assassination, 9/11, Princess Diana – the list goes on. And on. Some of the theories make for interesting reading but hardly any of them hold water. Let’s just take these three examples. There was no ‘magic bullet’ in Dealey Plaza in Dallas on the 22nd of November 1963. A simple examination of the facts confirms this. Nor was there a second shooter on the grassy knoll. The truth is that some people can’t accept that a lone gunman with a grudge was able to murder the most powerful man in the world.

9/11 – It was a controlled demolition, right? Wrong. Let’s just ponder this for a moment: on buildings of that scale it would have taken a crew of dozens of men months to set charges – yet nobody noticed such activity? The buildings collapsed the way they did due to structural failure. It’s as simple and tragic as that. The architects and construction engineers designed the buildings to withstand all manner of unforeseen circumstances – but they didn’t plan on a bunch of fanatics crashing hijacked planes packed with aviation fuel into them. Why would they? And to even suggest that the US Government had a hand in that awful sequence of events is insane – there would have had to have been so many people involved, and they’d all have to have kept the secret. Which seems highly unlikely. [Read more…]