Titchfield Mayoral inauguration branded a flop

Mayor Barry Slade - defiant in the face of adversity.

Mayor Barry Slade – defiant in the face of adversity.

Officials have officially stated that the disappointing figures for Friday’s mayoral inauguration ceremony in the grounds of the abbey were ‘disappointing, to say the least,’ while newly sworn in Mayor, Barry Slade decried the claims by declaring the event a ‘resounding success which sent a message out to the world, the whole world, all of it, oh yes.’

Despite hiring 100 seats for the event, officials announced that only 11 had actually shown up, of which five were garden centre customers who had taken a wrong turn.

Mayor Slade blamed the dismal turnout on ‘adverse conditions and women,’ claiming that tailbacks on the M62 had caused problems and that many visitors became distracted by the allure of a farmers’ market just up the road in Fareham, adding that women didn’t help the situation because ‘they always want their own way.’

“It was bladdy big load of shit innit,” said burger van entrepreneur Ali Bullo. “They tell me six hundred coming so I pay thirty pound for license, come with hundred burger, I sell not one. Is bladdy rip-off and big waste of time. Nobody come, nobody buy burger, Tommy Cooper impersonator – him not come. Is all a bladdy big con innit …”

Mayor Slade dismissed his critics by saying they just couldn’t get along with his anti-everything stance.

“Seems obvious to me that in this village the women wear the pants,” he said. “Women should stop talking and trying to interfere with business and get busy in the bedroom and the kitchen because they aren’t good for much else. If you ask me they have too much influence, way too much influence. The guys of Titchfield need to grow a pair, that’s right, grow a pair, a big pair, a yuge pair, and put their foot down with a firm hand before we become a nation of pussies. Pussies…yes…”

More as we get it.

Paddy Berzinski

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‘I don’t get what Vernon sees in her,’ says man

We don't get it either.

We don’t get it either.

In the wake of TV personality Vernon Kay’s recent sexting revelations, a Glasgow man slammed the TV star saying that he can’t understand what he sees in the glamour model who is the subject of the rumpus. [Read more…]

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Surgeon Inserted Canary In Katie Hopkins’ Skull ‘For A Laugh’

Tweet tweet!

Tweet tweet!

Eminent surgeon, Mr Hugo DeFreitas FRCS today announced that after performing a neurological procedure on journalist Katie Hopkins, he’d popped a canary into her cranial cavity for a laugh.

“Surgery is a deadly serious and often tense activity,” he said. “So we have to have a laugh now and again or we’d all go stark raving bonkers. I thought leaving a canary in Hopkins’s skull was a nice touch. I’d love to see her expression when it starts whistling and she tries to work out where it is.”

It isn’t unusual for surgeons to inadvertently leave surgical instruments inside their patients, but putting stuff there deliberately appears to be a recent phenomenon. Recent incidents revealed by x-rays have shown a women with a cuckoo clock in her abdomen, a man with a ball bearing in his sinuses and a pensioner with a bottle of Lucozade in her rib cage.

“It’s not a practice we encourage,” said a BMA spokesman.

“I always said she was a birdbrain anyway,” chuckled the surgeon. “For my next trick I’d like to leave a moral compass in Iain Duncan Smith’s head, or a pony up Jeremy Hunt’s arse or something similar.”

The world waits in hope.

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Welborne, The General Election, And Why We Can’t Trust The Media

Weekly please Mister Woodward.

Weekly please Mister Woodward.

On the subject of the proposed Welborne development – 6,000 new dwellings to be constructed on a greenfield site – this will be Café Spike’s final eve-of-election foray into this territory. We have a few things we’d like to say before we close the book on this subject and get back to posting a mix of comedy and articles which we think you may find interesting. We hope that as you read this article you’ll consider having a look at the other material our site has to offer. We mainly set out to entertain and amuse, but being based in Fareham we feel it appropriate to express our opinion over Welborne and local politics.

It’s pretty much a given that the Conservative party will take Fareham’s seat in Westminster, with Suella Fernandes as our representative in Westminster. Ergo, as surely as night follows day Welborne will become a stark reality Along with that will come the increasing burden on our infrastructure, with additional pressure being piled on our NHS, traffic chaos, agency jobs, a less than vibrant town centre, and essentially a future not as a community in our own right; just a dormitory community for London and other large centres in our area.

Which begs one to pose the question: Why is Fareham such a safe Conservative parliamentary seat?

We can afford Welborne, we can afford nonsensical traffic “solutions,” we can afford to do things like install pedestrian crossings a few yards away from an existing crossing, (Think Highlands Road) we can afford to charge extortionate parking fees, we can afford to have our town centre homogenised into a clone of every other town centre, totally devoid of any trace of local character, populated my multinational chains that most of us have no interest in using…and on and on.

But we can’t afford to keep our roads in good shape, we can’t afford to have weekly bin collections, and we can’t afford to fully inform our own people about proposed developments which will have far reaching effects on the lives of the people in our community.

Surely there’s something wrong somewhere? So how does this happen?

In fairness, most people who vote in general elections vote in order to influence the bigger picture – the national picture. People vote for the government they want because they feel that by doing so they’re doing what’s best for the country as a whole. Which is what makes this election crucial in our constituency, because the bottom line is that a Conservative vote will deliver Welborne. Thus local and national issues become inextricably entwined.

There are going to be people from this borough torn between their local and national political overviews, which is an unhappy situation.

Which is where I come clean and nail my underpants (stains and all) to the mast.

I was brought up in a safe Labour seat, and I could never see the sense in that either. People would vote Labour in spite of the evidence that their town was spinning into freefall decline everywhere they looked, but they seemed insanely oblivious to what was going on around them. So why do we vote blindly? Why do we take the safe option?

The media. That’s the simple answer.

Readers of the Times, Sun, Mail, Express, Telegraph and viewers of Sky News tend to vote Conservative. Readers of the Mirror tend to vote Labour. Guardian readers tend to be left of centre but seem to be too busy plucking fluff out of their navels to be arsed even voting at all. My point is that voting trends are heavily influenced by the media, whether we like it or not. Even the Independent is supporting a Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition. So it isn’t actually as Independent as it would like to think.

Media owners have a vested interest in whoever may be incumbent in Number Ten, because they want to protect their wealth, maintain their power and influence, retain their virtually zero tax responsibilities and drop the odd crumb here and there to make Joe Public feel like he’s getting a fair crack of the whip.

If you think that’s a biased assumption, it might pay to remember how Ed Miliband was relentlessly ridiculed, how the media twisted the public perception of the Labour party into one of a paedophile/grooming gang sympathising nest of vipers, how Nick Clegg has been castigated for selling his party down the river, when the reality is that having entered into a coalition agreement he had little say in the matter. And what of UKIP and the Scottish Nationalists? I’m no lover of UKIP – I detest extreme right wing politics as much as I detest extreme left wing politics, but the smear campaigns against Nigel Farage and Nicola Sturgeon carried out by the media have reached pantomime proportions. It’s out of control, and people can’t seem to see beyond that.

Yet the Conservatives – despite having the worst record of any government in a century – are somehow looked upon as our saviours?

What we’d advise is that when you vote, you vote for the candidate best equipped to do the job you want them to do. Matters not if that be Conservative, Lib-Dem, Labour, UKIP, or Independent. What we’d say is to go with your heart and mind and vote for what you truly believe in, the candidate who wants to work for the community, and not what Rupert Murdoch or any other media mogul tells you to do, because they don’t give a damn about you, or your loved ones. It’s all about the money, the power, the megalomania.

As I said earlier, as of Friday our elected parliamentary representative will be Suella Fernandes – that’s a given. Some will be unhappy about this, and many won’t even realise what it actually is that they’re voting for. They’re just going to put the cross where they always have done. Which is precisely why we have safe seats. People don’t know any better. They aren’t thinking for themselves. They’re letting the media do their thinking for them because it’s easier that way.

And with that, Café Spike will back off with the serious stuff and get back to doing what we usually do – which is quite frankly just silly. But no sillier than the lies we’re all drip-fed on a daily basis.

Use your vote wisely.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Furore In Fareham As ‘Outsider’ Conservative Candidate Backs Controversial Development Plan

Fareham says 'No' to this sort of thing.

Fareham says ‘No’ to this sort of thing.

One doesn’t normally expect political controversy in what is regarded as one of the safest Conservative seats in the country, yet somehow the Conservative party, aided and abetted by the local council seemed to have successfully achieved the political equivalent of poking the proverbial hornets’ nest with a sharp stick.

The current furore has historical roots in an ambitious development plan to the north of the town, known locally as Welborne; a plan embracing some 6,000 additional dwellings, which has been embraced by the council and vehemently opposed by residents of the borough. As Café Spike’s head office is in Fareham, and given that we have the right to express an opinion, our Editor In Chief, Martin Shuttlecock today issued a statement.

“There’s been a long-running dispute about this development proposal,” he told us. “On balance it appears that the local council have a vested interest in proceeding with the plan, whereas local residents have expressed deep – and quite reasonable concerns – over associated infrastructure problems. Whilst I accept that our country needs additional housing to meet the requirements stipulated by the government, it’s also quite reasonable to take into account the concerns of existing residents. These people are distinctly not NIMBY types; they’re concerned about a lack of affordable housing in the area, the destruction of a vast area of greenfield designated land in pursuit of further urbanisation, the provision of schools, the availability of medical treatment on a system which is already horrendously overstretched, endless traffic jams on already gridlocked roads and fears of becoming swallowed up by an endless urban sprawl.

“The furore, which was already blazing as a result of a lack of transparency by the local council – who appear to have a vision of a megalithic conurbation tentatively branded Solent City – was further inflamed when the Conservative party “parachuted” in out-of-towner candidate, Suella Fernandes to contest the seat at the forthcoming general election.

“Suella Fernandes is a Conservative candidate who has unsuccessfully contested seats in other constituencies in the past. According to reports she is a property lawyer who has been ‘parachuted’ in by the Conservative party at both local and national level with a mission to seal the Welborne deal, come what may, as evidenced by her immediate support for the Welborne project, despite not being in full possession of the relevant details.

“Some voters have expressed concerns that Fernandes has been conducting a below-the-belt campaign by claiming to be a local person who has the interests of local people at heart, and the voters don’t seem to be buying that.

“The bottom line is that she’ll be elected by a landslide, as Conservative candidates tend to be in this constituency, but I have to at least question her motivation in all this. The people of Fareham are good people, and my feeling is that they deserve the truth from the Conservatives at both national and council levels, and they aren’t getting that in my opinion.

“Of course, nobody would ever come out and make an honest statement to the effect of: We stand to make a fortune out of this, and so do the developers, so just kindly shut up and go away.

“Which is a shame, because the people deserve honesty, and they aren’t getting it at all. At least in my opinion.”

*The anti-Welborne/development group have a Facebook page – Fareham – Countryside Or More Housing – The Big Debate. Contributors to the page aren’t by any means fanatical; they’re actually quite accommodating and friendly on both sides of the argument. If you join the page your views will be respected and the participants are willing to discuss the issue without going overboard or being unreasonable. Unlike the prospective Member Of Parliament, who by all accounts has embraced the Welborne project yet blocked anyone from her Twitter feed with the temerity to question her claims.

Café Spike has no vested interest in the argument and acts purely as an independent observational entity.

Martin Shuttlecock and Paddy Berzinski

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Katie Hopkins To Join UKIP

Controversial Katie

Controversial Katie

Even we were taken aback by the claims – made by Burnley market trader Jim Grimshaw last night – implying that Britain’s most hated woman has pledged her allegiance to UKIP in the upcoming General Election.

Hopkins – a Sun columnist – who has attracted an avalanche of utter contempt across all media for her outrageous social media comments and inane scribblings in the press, is said to be considering not only giving her support to UKIP but also in getting directly involved in the day to day running of the party.

“Think about it,” Grimshaw told Café Spike. “She hates immigrants, she’s rich, she’s posh and she once got shagged by some bloke in a field on camera. She’s ideal for UKIP. It’s a match made in heaven. When she suggested that she’d like to see refugees machine-gunned in the Med I immediately thought of Nigel Farage and UKIP. They go together like peaches and cream.”

When pressed, Grimshaw couldn’t actually provide any evidence in support of his controversial claim, but he did tap the side of his nose with his index finger and gave us a crafty, knowing wink.

We tried to contact Katie Hopkins for a reaction but as none of our people know her phone number or have any idea where she lives there was no response.

We did manage to contact a UKIP supporter – who insisted on anonymity – and she told us:

“This story is blatant nonsense. There is no way that UKIP would in any way, shape or form consider forming any kind of allegiance with that utterly contemptible, malodorous and toxic excuse for a human being. Christ, we may be UKIP and to be honest we could do with some high profile media support but even we wouldn’t sink that low. I hope she gets struck by lightning or something to be honest, but that’s only my opinion and not necessarily that of Nigel or the party.”

Luke Jaywalker

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