Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.


I wiped my arse on a Brexit leaflet and now it’s gone septic

Picture posed by a model who doesn't have a septic ringpiece. Probably.

Picture posed by a model who doesn’t have a septic ringpiece. Probably.

Brexit campaigners have been accused of dirty tricks and underhandedness after a remain campaigner found out that his ringpiece had turned septic after wiping his backside on a Brexit leaflet. Connor Sullivan, a beer taster from Blackburn complained that Brexiteers had deliberately contaminated their leaflets with bacteria designed to turn arses septic should the leaflets be used as toilet paper.

“I know they’re fanatics,” Sullivan said. “But I honestly couldn’t believe they’d stoop as low as this. I’d hardly even flushed the toilet before my brown eye started itching furiously. It got worse as the night wore on and by morning I was in agony and my arse was oozing. It wasn’t pleasant.”

Realising that he was facing a serious situation, Sullivan took himself off to the A&E Unit at Blackburn Royal Infirmary where doctors confirmed that he did indeed have a septic arse.

“We prescribed antibiotics,” a doctor who insisted on anonymity told us. “He’ll be in some distress for a while but he should be back to normal within a few hours. Providing of course he takes the full course of tablets.”

A leading Brexit campaigner denied any allegations of wrongdoing.

“Mr Sullivan’s claims are completely without foundation,” she told us. “We didn’t contaminate anything – deliberately or otherwise. The reality is more likely that he rived furiously at his own arsehole with dirty fingernails causing it to become infected. These remainians are absolute nutters. I even heard yesterday that a leading remainian put his old chap in a dead pig’s head. They’re pretty disgusting people really, all drug addicts and sexual deviants.”

More as we get it.

A Cafe Spike report.


Dear Mr Cameron – The Knives Are Out



The foundations of the Prime Minister’s tenure appeared to be crumbling as further revelations of corruption surfaced as a result of the recent leak regarding a Panamanian tax haven which revealed that Mr Cameron’s late father was an avid tax evader.

With the Conservative government’s reputation and honour lying in tatters there are increasing calls for them all to resign or face imprisonment from concerned citizens.

“These bastards are selling off the family silver in order to line their own pockets, and then have the audacity to avoid paying taxes,” irate taxpayer Walter Hetherington raged. “And to fund all this they’re cutting back on public services? It’s ridiculous. How can they possibly sleep at night in the full knowledge that they’re hurting the poor and the sick and hammering the working man?

“I’d suggest that they do the right thing for once and disappear back down their rat holes before the public loses patience and they’re strung up from a lamp post like Mussolini. Or was that Hitler? I don’t know but it’s all a disgrace when you think about it. And we aren’t having it. Enough is enough – Barbra Streisand and the late lamented disco diva Donna Summer once sang – if memory serves.

“Anyway. He wouldn’t ever lie to us.”


Ted Pemberton


David Cameron Is Absolutely Not Corrupt

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

“…In any way whatsoever,” said lifelong Conservative voter Oscar Howard. “There’s just been a misunderstanding somewhere and I’m sure it’ll all sort itself out, but I don’t believe a word of it myself.”

This, hot on the heels of Panamagate; leaked documents from Panama revealing that allegedly David Cameron’s late father Ian, was heavily involved in an international money laundering operation involving such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Colonel Gaddafi and Bashar Al Assad. [Read more…]



We don't care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that's all that matters

We don’t care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that’s all that matters

Just when you get to wondering whether the spoof newspaper known as the DAILY EXPRESS could possibly sink any lower than the murkiest depths of utter bollockdom, they do.

Bearing in mind that these guys are supposed to be professional journalists working for a national news outlet, the casual observer could be forgiven for concluding that these morons ought to venture no further into the land of literacy than the weekly shopping listwhich if left to them would probably turn out to be indecipherable anyway.

Having ‘entertained’ the British public for years with its racist comment sections, its weather related scare stories and its absolutely obsessive xenophobic rants designed to scare the living shit out of vulnerable old ladies and insecure old men, the mind boggles as to what pathetic “topical” stunt they’ll exploit next.

Is there life on Mars? Is everything a conspiracy? Can their readership possibly get any more fucking idiotic?

They give us this little topical gem:

“Hitler lacked in trouser department: Evil Nazi dictator had TINY deformed penis” By REBECCA PERRING (Monday Feb 22nd 2016)

This from a rag that bangs the drum for Nigel Farage, who has been sponsored by the DE and who himself could be subjected to similar trouser related ridicule at a pinch. But we won’t go there. We couldn’t possibly stoop that low.

Most reasonable people would readily identify certain parallels between the DE’s hateful rants against Muslims and Christian Europeans in the name of patriotism, the support for a bigoted martinet, the extreme right connection and the rise of Naziism in 30s Germany. That ain’t rocket science.

But a story about Hitler’s dick? He’s been dead for seventy years, so how on earth is that in any way relevant or topical? It’s literally going from the sublime to the ridiculous because Richard Desmond and his sycophantic crew would probably have been equally as far up Hitler’s arse as the Daily Mail was at that time, and it’s the sort of own goal that would win any blooper of the year award.

An extreme right wing news outlet mocking the same kind of right wing extremist that they sponsored in the General election to the tune of a cool million.

If we had our way we’d break all the windows at the DE and haul its staff and readers off to a forced labour camp in Poland, where we’d introduce them to the delights of Zyklon B.

It would be in the national interest. It really would.

Martin Shuttlecock


MP’s To Be Subjected To Random Drug Testing

Gideon mate - give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

Gideon mate – give yer nose a good wipe before we go in.

MP’s based in the House of Commons are threatening to go on strike after being told they face mandatory random drug testing, like footballers and athletes and employees of puritanical multi-national corporations. Members of the National Union of MP’s have slammed the move and are threatening a series of one day strikes in protest at what they describe as “an unjustifiable assault on our human rights.”

One particular MP complained: “I’m not having this. Who is anyone to make life changing decisions affecting my professional life? I didn’t study all my life to become a freeloading profiteer only for some fucking oik to start poking his bastard nose in. I’m a human being too for Christ’s sake.

“Just because I have an addiction to Colombian marching powder doesn’t mean I cant do my job properly. This is a bridge too far. Before we know it they’ll be clamping down on our tax avoidance schemes and scrutinising our expense accounts. If I choose to snort Charlie off an escort’s tits that’s my business. We’re all together on this one. We aren’t having it.”

This one promises to be ongoing.

More as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock


Furore In Fareham As ‘Outsider’ Conservative Candidate Backs Controversial Development Plan

Fareham says 'No' to this sort of thing.

Fareham says ‘No’ to this sort of thing.

One doesn’t normally expect political controversy in what is regarded as one of the safest Conservative seats in the country, yet somehow the Conservative party, aided and abetted by the local council seemed to have successfully achieved the political equivalent of poking the proverbial hornets’ nest with a sharp stick.

The current furore has historical roots in an ambitious development plan to the north of the town, known locally as Welborne; a plan embracing some 6,000 additional dwellings, which has been embraced by the council and vehemently opposed by residents of the borough. As Café Spike’s head office is in Fareham, and given that we have the right to express an opinion, our Editor In Chief, Martin Shuttlecock today issued a statement.

“There’s been a long-running dispute about this development proposal,” he told us. “On balance it appears that the local council have a vested interest in proceeding with the plan, whereas local residents have expressed deep – and quite reasonable concerns – over associated infrastructure problems. Whilst I accept that our country needs additional housing to meet the requirements stipulated by the government, it’s also quite reasonable to take into account the concerns of existing residents. These people are distinctly not NIMBY types; they’re concerned about a lack of affordable housing in the area, the destruction of a vast area of greenfield designated land in pursuit of further urbanisation, the provision of schools, the availability of medical treatment on a system which is already horrendously overstretched, endless traffic jams on already gridlocked roads and fears of becoming swallowed up by an endless urban sprawl.

“The furore, which was already blazing as a result of a lack of transparency by the local council – who appear to have a vision of a megalithic conurbation tentatively branded Solent City – was further inflamed when the Conservative party “parachuted” in out-of-towner candidate, Suella Fernandes to contest the seat at the forthcoming general election.

“Suella Fernandes is a Conservative candidate who has unsuccessfully contested seats in other constituencies in the past. According to reports she is a property lawyer who has been ‘parachuted’ in by the Conservative party at both local and national level with a mission to seal the Welborne deal, come what may, as evidenced by her immediate support for the Welborne project, despite not being in full possession of the relevant details.

“Some voters have expressed concerns that Fernandes has been conducting a below-the-belt campaign by claiming to be a local person who has the interests of local people at heart, and the voters don’t seem to be buying that.

“The bottom line is that she’ll be elected by a landslide, as Conservative candidates tend to be in this constituency, but I have to at least question her motivation in all this. The people of Fareham are good people, and my feeling is that they deserve the truth from the Conservatives at both national and council levels, and they aren’t getting that in my opinion.

“Of course, nobody would ever come out and make an honest statement to the effect of: We stand to make a fortune out of this, and so do the developers, so just kindly shut up and go away.

“Which is a shame, because the people deserve honesty, and they aren’t getting it at all. At least in my opinion.”

*The anti-Welborne/development group have a Facebook page – Fareham – Countryside Or More Housing – The Big Debate. Contributors to the page aren’t by any means fanatical; they’re actually quite accommodating and friendly on both sides of the argument. If you join the page your views will be respected and the participants are willing to discuss the issue without going overboard or being unreasonable. Unlike the prospective Member Of Parliament, who by all accounts has embraced the Welborne project yet blocked anyone from her Twitter feed with the temerity to question her claims.

Café Spike has no vested interest in the argument and acts purely as an independent observational entity.

Martin Shuttlecock and Paddy Berzinski


Prince Andrew Has An Early Night – Have Your Say

This Woman Says She Has Nothing To Do With Anything Which May Or May Not Have Happened. Do You Believe Her?

This Woman Says She Has Nothing To Do With Anything Which May Or May Not Have Happened. Do You Believe Her?

Reports are coming in that Prince Andrew had an early night last night at an undisclosed UK location. The Prince, who recently returned from a skiing holiday in the Alps in order to deal with something or other, allegedly told a palace aide that he was ‘wiped out’ and that he was going to turn in early with a mug of hot chocolate and a good book. At this point details are sketchy as to what the book might have been, but a trusted insider told us in confidence that it would probably have been something historical.

The Prince – who categorically has never, at any point, behaved in any way inappropriately – has recently attracted an avalanche of online criticism for not getting any online criticism after news websites reported that he hasn’t actually done anything, and that they were unable to accept reader comments on the subject in case somebody suggests that he has.

“He’s painted himself into a corner here,” said notorious online troll Winifred Battle. “If he hasn’t done anything wrong and he’s completely innocent of all the allegations which haven’t been made, then what does he have to hide?”

Quite frankly here at Café Spike we have no idea.

What do you think?


FIFA World Cup Is A Fix! – Say Shell-Shocked Brazil Fans

A Brazil Shirt - Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

A Brazil Shirt – Similar To The Thousands Set Alight In Sao Paolo Yesterday

Brazilian football fans the world over are finally coming to terms with their team’s 7-1 semi-final World Cup drubbing at the hands of Germany – and to a man they’re screaming “FOUL!” And they appear to lay the blame squarely at the door of shady far Eastern gambling syndicates.

“It’s obviously a fix,” said one irate fan on Copacabana beach yesterday. “Brazil could never be as poor as that unless the players deliberately rolled over and allowed the Germans to win. In boxing and Arjen Robben terms, they took a dive.”

Watching re-runs of the match, the Brazilian fans appear to have a point.

Top class Brazilian stars like Fred and Hulk simply kept their silky skills to themselves and seem to have adopted the tactic of going for a gentle stroll for 90 minutes during World Cup matches, looking slightly bored by the whole event, and then there’s the little matter of star player Neymar suffering a fractured vertebra in a sickening incident at the end of the quarter final.

“I just think Neymar wanted out,” a Rio firefighter told us as he hosed down a burning bus set alight by rampaging fans in a favela. “And to be honest I don’t blame the lad. Had he played in that game his reputation would have been left in tatters. You better stand back a bit. I think the gas tank’s about to blow…”

The mood in Germany was somewhat different, perhaps predictably.

“We slaughtered them because they are a poor team,” Rolf Krauss said as he wolfed down a beer in Munich’s Hofbrauhaus. “We just walked through them like they weren’t there – probably because they weren’t. Their defence was non-existent and technically they had a very poor team with almost zero tactical nous. I think they thought they just had to turn up on time to win the thing, because the referees seem to have bent over backwards to accommodate them. There was no ‘fix’ and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool.”

An undercover Café Spike investigation discovered that the Brazilian players, had they won the tournament would have walked away as national heroes worth countless millions of dollars so that for them to have thrown the game seems highly unlikely.

What do you think?

Send us your views on our Facebook page.

We’ll probably just laugh at you – but that’s life.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike.