Back to the drawing board for sex robot designers

A faulty sex robot pictured last Tuesday on the inter web.

A faulty sex robot pictured last Tuesday on the inter web.

The sex robot industry is in crisis today as designers were accused of dereliction of duty after fitting newer models with ultra-lifelike artificial intelligence.

Advances in technology have resulted in sex robots that are so realistic that they could easily be mistaken for real women, but customers have inundated manufacturers with a torrent of complaints over the levels of AI that have been installed in later models.

“Every time I’m up for it and I take my robot to bed she turns her back on me and says that she’s too busy to make love because she’s installing updates,” said disgruntled customer Martin Carroll of Basingstoke.

“Mine constantly nags me for leaving the toilet seat up,” added Ted Pascoe of Norwich.

“That’s nothing,” hooted Richard Madeley from London. “Every time I get to the vinegar stroke mine freezes up and starts buffering.”

“Mine’s so intelligent she starts laughing when I take my kit off,” said Alun Tribal of Titchfield. “It’s a nightmare.”

Sex robot designers are said to working hard at dumbing down their models by installing Katie Hopkins level AI and offering reasonable part exchange deals to customers currently possessing defective models with more than a third of a brain.

More high tech malarkey as we get it.



Jeremy Corbyn Fails To Feed 5,000 Supporters With Five Loaves And Two Fishes

"Who brought salt and vinegar?"

“Who brought salt and vinegar?”

Under siege Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn today was forced to admit that he isn’t actually divine following a failed attempt to feed five thousand supporters in Parliament Square using only five loaves and two fishes.

“I’m a bit disappointed in Jeremy actually,” said Labour voter Tristram Helvellyn. “He promised us a meal, and he sent a tray round with five loaves of Hovis, and two kipper fillets, assuring us that there was enough to go round. There wasn’t. From what I heard afterwards, one bloke whacked the two kippers between two slices of Hovis and scoffed it, and a few others got a slice of dry bread. It’s just not good enough. I think he should resign.”

“This is what you get with the Islington set,” a disgruntled Labour supporter from Sheffield complained. “Delia Smith’s not good enough for these bastard champagne socialists, oh no, they have to go all fucking Nazarene on us. No wonder Labour are in the shit. They’re so fucking out of touch with reality that they’ve allowed that absolute tit, Farage and his apostolic knuckle dragging racist morons to take the initiative. For fuck’s sake – we just want a Labour party to represent the ordinary people, a fair party who fight for what’s right and don’t serve the ruling elite by tolerating tax evasion, and don’t kiss the arses of the banks and the globalist elite. Five loaves and two fishes, I ask you – it’s a fucking joke. Why not play it the SNP way and actually try representing the people? Or is that too much to fucking ask, coming from the mugs who pay these pricks wages?”

In related news – England are still crap at football, although no-one can accuse the current squad of inconsistency – they bottled it. As usual.

Ken Mither


Sajid Javid pranks steelworkers on April Fools Day

An increasingly common sight - a Conservative with egg on his face.

An increasingly common sight – a Conservative with egg on his face.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid pranked the steelworkers of Port Talbot yesterday by turning up and pretending to be concerned about imminent job losses at Tata Steel.

Javid, whose governmental superiors blocked a proposed EU tariff on Chinese steel dumping because Gideon Osborne’s “economic recovery” depended on fictional Chinese wealth and investment successfully feigned sympathetic concern when he met with union leaders, although he really didn’t give a monkey’s and was mightily pissed off at having his Australian jaunt at the taxpayers’ expense rudely cut short.

To add insult to injury the Chinese government in Beijing were at the same time planning to set a massive tariff on steel imported from Europe, which sort of suggests that Mr Cameron’s government aren’t very good when it comes to picking out political and economic alliances. Just another cock up on the fiscal front.

Still, the steelworkers can but hope that Sajid Javid’s “hard work” to save their livelihoods pays off, but had I been there at Port Talbot yesterday there’s no way on earth I’d have shaken his hand.



Daily Mail more interested in Top Gear than us says steelworker

Carol Vorderman - Welsh but not a steelworker.

Carol Vorderman – Welsh but not a steelworker.

A Welsh steelworker expressed concern today that the Daily Mail appeared more interested in the forthcoming Top Gear series than in the plight of 40,000 steelworkers, their families, and the countless ancillary dependents of the British steel industry.

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Clive Waller. “I mean, I can understand the outpourings of grief over the passing of a national treasure like Ronnie Corbett – God love him – but when there’s thousands of families whose lives are being turned upside down and inside out you’d think the national press would have more immediate concerns than bloody Top Gear.

“It just demonstrates how highly the working man is regarded by those with a ‘for profit’ propaganda machine at their disposal. What’s really annoying is that they sacrificed our industrial base in favour of banking and the service industry and when it all goes tits up they bail out the bankers but they don’t want to know when we’re in trouble. And it’s all because they have this fanatical power trip agenda.

“What they don’t seem to realise is that if they kill us off they really won’t have a fall-back position because there’ll be bugger all left to fall back on. It’s fantasy politics. Still, as long as Top Gear’s in good shape it’s all good. I suppose…until you factor into the equation that they hate the BBC too.

“Let ’em carry on. There’ll only be them left after they’ve killed every other bugger off.

“Then I expect they’ll start eating themselves.

“Like the short sighted cannibals they are.”


The Refugee Crisis – Discuss

Think about the bountiful food banks son

Think about the bountiful food banks son

Is this the end of the world as we know it? Probably – at least it is if you read the comments section in the Daily Express. According to the DE readers we’re being swamped by hordes of cockroach-like benefit scroungers, hell bent on converting the indigenous population to Islam and Sharia law. Our culture and essential nationally established Christianity are being eroded by the EUSSR (Whatever that is) the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan (No idea what that is either) and we’re all doomed. The end of the world is nigh.

That’s if we don’t all freeze to death in the DE’s predicted six-month Arctic Winter.

It’s an emotive issue for sure, and one which has the most liberal of people fuming into their cappuccino’s. The logic works like this: Why should we help these benefit scroungers when we can’t look after our own elderly? When young couples can’t get on the bottom rung of the housing ladder? When our streets are littered with rough sleepers? When we treat our ex-service personnel like social lepers once their service is over?

On the surface it’s a reasonable argument. People are running scared. Scrape away the veneer of the argument and two questions stand out. In our right wing orientated ‘me me me’ society, did anybody really give a shit about the homeless? The elderly? The ex-service personnel? Those on zero hour contracts? The other question is: What does any of this have to do with helping refugees?

The sad truth is that the vast majority of people didn’t give a rat’s arse about the elderly, the veterans, the homeless or the poor. Most people didn’t give a flying fuck, and therein lies the problem. What does it have to do with helping refugees? Sweet fuck all.

And all this bollocks about being a proud Christian nation? When did you last go to church? Christian churches have been battling falling congregations for decades, because too many true and proud Christians would rather go down the car boot sale on a Sunday morning.

Back to the refugees…they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. IS on the one side, Assad’s barrel bombs on the other, not forgetting Al Qaeda and the Al Nusra Front. According to many, the young men among the refugees should be staying put and fighting for their homeland. But fighting with what? Shovels? Kitchen knives? Frying pans? They can’t stand and fight because they have nothing to fight with. You can’t fight tanks, machine guns, assault rifles and on the Assad side an air force with sticks and stones. So they fled. It was either run or die for most of them. Imagine yourself in such a circumstance.

Not being completely wet behind the ears, I can see that among the genuine refugees there are economic migrants, and even potential terrorists. Just think about the latter for a moment. IS boast that they’ll smuggle thousands of jihadists into the country, and again, people here are scared. But could they actually do that? Many of the genuine refugees come in village and family units – they know who is IS and who isn’t. Would they make the journey with sleepers in their midst? Somehow I doubt that, but most people seem to take the propaganda at face value as dispensed by the ever reliable tabloids.

The refugees didn’t impose benefit sanctions on the sick, disabled and unemployed. Nor did they have any bearing on how our elderly, the homeless, or the ex-service personnel are treated. We need to look a little closer to home for that. That is our government’s responsibility. They collect the taxes and they decide how that money is to be spent. Rather than help the disadvantaged they’ve chosen to allow billion pound industries to evade paying any tax at all. They’ve supported bankers’ bonuses amounting to millions. They squandered a billion of tax payers’ money in a single day by selling off a portion of RBS to their mates. And the supreme irony is that they were democratically elected – despite them telling everybody in the clearest possible terms what they were going to do. As that doyen of the Daily Mail, Richard Littlejohn might say: “You couldn’t make it up!”

As for the refugees, blissfully unaware of our first world problems they cling to flimsy dinghies bobbing around in the Mediterranean swells and shitting themselves, praying they won’t drown en-route, or they scramble through razor wire in Eastern Europe hoping not to be on the wrong end of a kick in the bollocks from a burly Hungarian riot cop. Hoping for sanctuary, hoping for safety, and if we aren’t all too busy at the time maybe a word of welcome, a smile and a friendly word or gesture.

Let’s not forget that it was principally the UK and the USA who instigated this state of play, this theatre of war, by arming Assad’s opponents because Assad didn’t fit in with their agenda. Effectively we armed and equipped IS – or Daesh as they should more correctly be described – thus causing this tide of human misery to flee the Daesh and abandon their homes. Or at least the ones that weren’t already razed to the ground. It’s our duty to help these people, our collective obligation.

Austerity doesn’t work. Our problems are problems of our own design, and nothing to do with refugees. We can afford to spend half a million on a missile to blow up a pick-up truck but Jimmy from down the road gets his benefits stopped because he was two minutes late for an appointment, combat veterans with mental health issues can be abandoned to a life without a roof over their heads and we can’t offer a helping hand to people whose problems are directly attributable to us.

Stop the world – I really do want to get off.

Martin Shuttlecock.