Daily Express BLASTED Because It’s SHIT!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Dirty rotten BASTARDS!

Cafe Spike Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock today BLASTED the DAILY EXPRESS for BEING SHIT and went on to SLAM its editorial policy, it’s online censorship and THE CUNTS who write in the comments section.

“Everything they put out seems to be scaremongering about migrants,” Shuttlecock said. “And quite frankly it makes my blood boil. “The scumbags who committed these atrocities in Europe weren’t migrants – they were home grown, alienated jihadists who thought of themselves as outsiders. Precisely because of attitudes like those showcased by the DAILY EXPRESS – who spread panic. Scare ordinary gullible people. What a bunch of arseholes.

“Not long ago they were blaming single mums for the ills of the nation – the migrant crisis must have been like manna from heaven for these pricks. In my opinion they should be allowed to carry on peddling their poison freely, but condemned by all decent people for being A BUNCH OF CUNTS. Led by an even bigger SELF-SERVING CUNT.

“They stopped me from commenting on their website after complaints from their PARANOID readership and my refusal to play their ridiculous game. I TOLD THEM TO STICK THEIR WEBSITE UP THEIR ARSE.

“Funny thing is – its cerebrally challenged readers seem to think I still pass comment on there because other individuals find their views equally abhorrent. I don’t, because it’s a waste of time and energy and I don’t have the time for that shit.

“It was fun for a while winding up the terminally deranged, and it’s good to see other sensible people taking up the mantle, but I’m done.

“If I had to equate the DAILY EXPRESS with anything, it would probably be a slimy turd eating an even slimier yet horrendously greenmouldy turd.

“Like the site users who comment there. Sick Nazi bastards.

“But that’s just my opinion.”

More as we get it.


Express Wordwheel Puzzle Is Quite Revealing

What are they on?

What are they on?

The Express Wordwheel puzzle is a test of vocabulary, featuring in a puzzle format nine letters which players must use to score points, with the central wheel letter compulsorily used in words constructed which must be a minimum of four letters with no proper names allowed.

Saturday’s DE Wordwheel puzzle consisted of the following letters: G I B N R O T H with the essential component letter being the additional and central letter B

So, that’s G I B N R O T H B

Here at Cafe Spike we got BINGO, THROBBING, THROB, BROTH, ROBBING, BRIO, BOTH, GIBBON, BRIGHT, RIGHT and ORBIT – amongst others.

But BRIT and BRITON weren’t allowed.

Whilst BIGOT was?

Is it just us, or has the Daily Express become some sort of treatment facility for the terminally delusional?

Or, even more sinisterly…is the Daily Express taking the piss out of its own rabid readership?

Answers on a postcard…but not to us please.

We have enough shit going on in our own world without inviting Richard Desmond and his shitty newspaper’s idiotic readers to contact us.

So tell them.

Leave us out of it.

And have a nice day ya bastards.


Daily Express readers rushed to A&E after gorging on BULLSHIT over Easter weekend

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

A concerned relative waits anxiously for news.

Facebook and Twitter users today SLAMMED the DAILY EXPRESS as Accident and Emergency departments across the land were overwhelmed by readers complaining of severe stomach pains and experiencing breathing difficulties after absorbing copious amounts of bullshit.

“We haven’t had a weekend as hectic as this since since THE SUN broke the story about Freddie Starr eating an innocent hamster,” an exhausted A&E surgeon gasped as he leaned on a hospital radiator in Chatham. “The DAILY EXPRESS readers are a volatile and insular group at the best of times, but there was no way we could have predicted them flooding the system in such overwhelming numbers. Quite frankly we struggled to cope.” [Read more…]


Have The Germans Really BANNED SAUSAGES?

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.


According to the Sunday Express they have, but then according to reports in the EXPRESS there’s all manner of malarkey going on these days. The THREE MONTH ARCTIC WINTER they predicted never actually came about, and neither did the GIANT METEORITE cause GLOBAL DISASTER on Saturday night as predicted. Which tends to suggest that generally speaking the EXPRESS TALKS OUT OF ITS ARSE.


The EXPRESS has form for this. Indeed the NATIONAL AND ONCE REPUTABLE news outlet appears to have abandoned responsible journalism in favour of blaming refugees and migrants for just about EVERYTHING imaginable. Such a travesty then that THE EXPRESS’s article of the month features a clip of some American bloke POPPING A MASSIVE ZIT, and drowning the screen in repulsive pus. Not forgetting THE EXPRESS’s really, really annoying USE OF BLOCK CAPS FOR SENSATIONALISM in just about every fucking bullshit headline they run.


Oh, and not forgetting their rather weedy tactic of describing anyone with even the most minor of criticisms as SLAMMING this, or BLASTING that. What a load of old bollocks.


As if all that wasn’t enough they support UKIP – reporting every mouth-fart that Nigel ‘Mustard Pants’ Farage pollutes the atmosphere with. And they support Donald Trump – a Presidential candidate who seems more interested in convincing the American people that he doesn’t have small hands or a small dick than in actually saying anything relevant.


Just like the EXPRESS report concerning the full English breakfast ban – it’s just more bollocks from a poorly written, badly researched right-wing NATIONAL NEWS OUTLET that really should know better and act more responsibly, rather than pandering to its EDL and Britain First supporting readership of moronic neanderthals.

Just sayin’ like.

MS for cafespike.com


World Declares Total War On Britain After Reading Daily Express

Never mind...it's for the best...

Never mind…it’s for the best…

The astonishing declaration of total war was announced shortly before midnight on Leap Year’s February 29th as world leaders recoiled in horror at the content of the Daily Express website.

“Jesus,” a United States Department Of Defence official gasped as he absorbed the Express website’s content and comments. “Do these freaks actually like anybody other than themselves? They hate the French, the Germans, the Pakistanis, Muslims, Catholics, blacks, gays, and even Americans. We need to nuke these bastards immediately.”

Other nuclear powers were in total agreement, including France, India, China, Pakistan and Russia, on the basis that: “the English are a pain in the arse who never did any of us any favours. Let’s nuke ’em and be done with it.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has advised his fellow countrymen to keep calm and carry on, promising a free Anderson shelter to every UK property for when the shit hits the fan and vowing to secure Britain’s borders once it’s become a nuclear wasteland.

Providing he gets elected by the few surviving zombies.

Martin Shuttlecock



A Furious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

A Furious EXPRESS reader pictured this morning.

Because apparently some bloke from Hartlepool says so and he can prove it because he’s done a study. Which sort of suggests that aliens have a keen interest in the North East region of England. Which is a bit strange really once you get to thinking about it.

If aliens are so interested in the North East, then surely they’d get a far greater insight into the local culture, customs and sense of humour by simply logging on to the Viz Comic online.

It’s a fucking site more economical than building expensive spaceships and travelling for thousands of light years to a distant galaxy only to hover about in the sky at night. I mean, if they’re lucky they might catch the Fat Slags getting a seeing to up against a skip in the Dog And Hammer car park, but they’ll see fuck all else, because most normal people will be in bed.

Adopting the same journalistic criteria I can PROVE that the DAILY EXPRESS is crap and that it prints a non-stop torrent of absolute bollocks because I’ve done a study too.

Have some of that then DAILY EXPRESS you xenophobic fascist bastard scaremongering fuckwits.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Daily Express Sparks Full English Breakfast Fury

Dip your bread - get in there!

Dip your bread – get in there!

Although nobody in their right mind could ever take the DAILY EXPRESS seriously, one has to wonder whether they’re taking the piss out of their own cerebrally challenged readership. The latest target for the froth at the mouth kippers who frequent the EXPRESS is an article describing how EU bosses scuppered plans to serve a full English breakfast at the recent round of Brussels Brexit negotiations.

Predictably the kipperati are up in arms about it, as usual, but is it actually true?

Even long distance scrutiny instantly reveals that the story has no foundation whatsoever – just a bunch of uncredited sources describing something that it is highly unlikely to have ever actually happened. So basically it’s all a load of bollocks.

Pretty much like every other EU myth the EXPRESS publishes.

Yet it’s succeeded in getting the less stable members of the EXPRESS readership foaming like rabid dogs at the outrageousness of it all. As can be seen by the three comments reproduced below.

Just another example of EU contempt for Britain and our Great people. Why would anyone want to continue to stay In is beyond me.”

Brussels at their most hypocritical bureaucratic ineptness by banning a traditional English breakfast-will covering it in chocolate do the job?”

They cannot stand anything English or British. The control freak spit out their dummy *** FRENCH and ( BELGIUMS) continue to run this illegal migrant (now swamped) shocking federal monster of an UN-common Market. Exit this sodden pathetic red tape strewn political clown-house.”

Which makes any sane person wonder.

Is the EXPRESS playing to its audience? Is the EXPRESS taking the piss? Or, even more disturbingly – Does the EXPRESS actually believe the total bollocks it publishes?

Answers on a postcard.

Martin Shuttlecock



We don't care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that's all that matters

We don’t care how big his fucking dick was. He lost and that’s all that matters

Just when you get to wondering whether the spoof newspaper known as the DAILY EXPRESS could possibly sink any lower than the murkiest depths of utter bollockdom, they do.

Bearing in mind that these guys are supposed to be professional journalists working for a national news outlet, the casual observer could be forgiven for concluding that these morons ought to venture no further into the land of literacy than the weekly shopping listwhich if left to them would probably turn out to be indecipherable anyway.

Having ‘entertained’ the British public for years with its racist comment sections, its weather related scare stories and its absolutely obsessive xenophobic rants designed to scare the living shit out of vulnerable old ladies and insecure old men, the mind boggles as to what pathetic “topical” stunt they’ll exploit next.

Is there life on Mars? Is everything a conspiracy? Can their readership possibly get any more fucking idiotic?

They give us this little topical gem:

“Hitler lacked in trouser department: Evil Nazi dictator had TINY deformed penis” By REBECCA PERRING (Monday Feb 22nd 2016)

This from a rag that bangs the drum for Nigel Farage, who has been sponsored by the DE and who himself could be subjected to similar trouser related ridicule at a pinch. But we won’t go there. We couldn’t possibly stoop that low.

Most reasonable people would readily identify certain parallels between the DE’s hateful rants against Muslims and Christian Europeans in the name of patriotism, the support for a bigoted martinet, the extreme right connection and the rise of Naziism in 30s Germany. That ain’t rocket science.

But a story about Hitler’s dick? He’s been dead for seventy years, so how on earth is that in any way relevant or topical? It’s literally going from the sublime to the ridiculous because Richard Desmond and his sycophantic crew would probably have been equally as far up Hitler’s arse as the Daily Mail was at that time, and it’s the sort of own goal that would win any blooper of the year award.

An extreme right wing news outlet mocking the same kind of right wing extremist that they sponsored in the General election to the tune of a cool million.

If we had our way we’d break all the windows at the DE and haul its staff and readers off to a forced labour camp in Poland, where we’d introduce them to the delights of Zyklon B.

It would be in the national interest. It really would.

Martin Shuttlecock


UKIP Voters More Bewildered Than Ever

Who's the Daddy now Nigel?

Who’s the Daddy now Nigel?

UKIP voters have never exactly been the sharpest suits on the rack, and now Lord Mustard Pants of Thanet’s mobility scooter mafia are even more bewildered as Nigel the idle idol gets pushed ever further into the background by the Westminster heavy mob.

It’s all very confusing for the terminally bewildered average UKIP voting intellectual featherweight.

Who to support now?

George Galloway?

A hard line left winger whose cat impressions on Celebrity Big Brother attracted more attention than anything he ever said in the house. The man who consorted with Gaddafi, Hamas, Hezbollah and pandered for the Muslim vote in Bradford under the Respect banner standing hand in hand with Nigel the patriot?

What the hell is going on?

Or Boris Johnson?

The Bullingdon Boy, David Cameron’s one-time bessie mate who might really be a Tory plant, because he’s certainly making ole Mustard Pants appear surplus to requirements?

All very confusing for the kippers.

Who don’t seem to know whether to fart, shit or pen an extremely angry letter to the DAILY EXPRESS.


Martin Shuttlecock


Cameron Triumphs In Brussels – Wins Toaster, X-Box and Cuddly Toy

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

Just in – sources are reporting that David Cameron is winning his battle for EU reforms. Following lengthy negotiations the Prime Minister revealed that EU officials have agreed to give him a toaster, an X-Box and a cuddly toy, providing he promises to shut up and stop wittering on like an old woman.

“We’re making clear progress in these negotiations,” the PM announced. “If we can get the Germans onside there’s every chance of us landing the star prize, a vintage Volkswagen Beetle worth in excess of one hundred large. The French have already pledged a lifetime supply of smelly cheese, the Greeks some yoghurt and the Italians a pasta machine so it’s looking good. But we aren’t getting complacent. What we really want to see on the table are some Dutch clogs, some Irish stew and some guarantees on Danish bacon. We’re fighting tooth and nail for the best interests of our country in these delicate negotiations, and I feel we’re getting there.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage however was unconvinced as he launched a scathing attack on the PM and the EU on ITV news but technicians lost the audio link, leaving Mr Farage in an extremely animated yet mute state.

“Shouldn’t really matter,” an ITV technician revealed. “He always trots out the same old crap anyway, and people tend to switch off when that dickhead pops up.”

A German delegate who insisted on anonymity told an international press pack: “Personally I’d rather Britain fucked off out of it. They’re a pain in the arse, always moaning about one thing or another so let them go. They can keep their Cameron and Farage and the peanut brained Daily Express readers and sod off. And if they want a holiday with sun, sea and sand may I suggest Bognor fucking Regis? Wankers.”

More as we get it.

Update – Poland has threatened a total withdrawal of its nationals from Britain. Cameron is shitting himself and thus far there’s no sign of a bail out from toilet tissue manufacturers. Things getting heated. Dutch offering free spliffs and advising delegates to chill the fuck out.