Donald Trump Stole Kim Kardashian’s Bra, Swears Mail Reader

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

A distraught Kim pictured yesterday in Wolverhampton.

Avid Daily Mail reader Tom England is convinced that Donald Trump stole Kim Kardashian’s bra after pictures emerged of the reality TV star wearing a see-through top and no bra emerged on social media.

“When I saw the pictures of Kim all but showing her top bollocks off I knew straight away that somebody had stolen her bra, and that somebody has to be Donald Trump,” Mr England said last night. “He’s the only one who fits the bill. I used to be a Trump supporter but the recent revelations regarding his sexist exploits have put me right off him.

“It’s not at all like Kim to go out half dressed unless there’s a very good reason for it, and I’m convinced somebody stole her bra. Having completed an online course in criminal profiling I applied the basic principles to the case of Kim’s stolen bra and lo and behold, Donald Trump emerged as the prime suspect.

“My research has also revealed that Barack Obama has had full sex with Michelle Obama at least twice, that the Queen is really a man named Bert, and that Katie Price is a sex robot experiment that didn’t work out as planned.

“But of course the New World Order wouldn’t ever allow me to say such things in public. They’d have me assassinated or something.”

And…

That’s enough of that nonsense, thank you very much.

CS

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Daily Mail more interested in Top Gear than us says steelworker

Carol Vorderman - Welsh but not a steelworker.

Carol Vorderman – Welsh but not a steelworker.

A Welsh steelworker expressed concern today that the Daily Mail appeared more interested in the forthcoming Top Gear series than in the plight of 40,000 steelworkers, their families, and the countless ancillary dependents of the British steel industry.

“It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Clive Waller. “I mean, I can understand the outpourings of grief over the passing of a national treasure like Ronnie Corbett – God love him – but when there’s thousands of families whose lives are being turned upside down and inside out you’d think the national press would have more immediate concerns than bloody Top Gear.

“It just demonstrates how highly the working man is regarded by those with a ‘for profit’ propaganda machine at their disposal. What’s really annoying is that they sacrificed our industrial base in favour of banking and the service industry and when it all goes tits up they bail out the bankers but they don’t want to know when we’re in trouble. And it’s all because they have this fanatical power trip agenda.

“What they don’t seem to realise is that if they kill us off they really won’t have a fall-back position because there’ll be bugger all left to fall back on. It’s fantasy politics. Still, as long as Top Gear’s in good shape it’s all good. I suppose…until you factor into the equation that they hate the BBC too.

“Let ’em carry on. There’ll only be them left after they’ve killed every other bugger off.

“Then I expect they’ll start eating themselves.

“Like the short sighted cannibals they are.”

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Mail readers still don’t “get” Alf Garnett

Alf Garnett holding court on t'interweb as pictured off our computer.

Alf Garnett holding court on t’interweb as pictured off our computer.

As the BBC announced that it is to make a number of one-offs of legendary comedy shows – including an episode of Till Death Us Do Part starring The Fast Show’s Simon Day as Alf – it seems that after all these years a number of Daily Mail readers still don’t understand what Alf Garnett was all about.

It was as obvious back then as it is now that Alf Garnett was a loser; a loud mouthed bigot who never won an argument and who eventually became a victim of the very system he’d always championed, being humiliated by the Thatcher government as he reached pensionable age with a disabled wife, no private pension, and reliant on the DHSS as it was then known. (Now it’s the DWP and a whole lot more ruthless than Thatcher ever was.)

Without going into all the comprehensively documented background of the writer and the star of the show – Johnny Speight and Warren Mitchell respectively, who were both Jewish and committed socialists – it beggars belief that to this day so many people still don’t get the satire, that Alf was a parody, a contradiction, a stone age relic.

Even now there are many who idolise Alf, gushing over how he always spoke his mind and was unswervingly patriotic and un-PC as they completely miss the point. Like this chap who posted on the Daily Mail website:

“I don’t know what I’m looking forward to more…………..this program or the inevitable raging from the hand wringing lefties :)”

Comments such as the above help us to understand Nigel Farage’s popularity among a certain demographic.

It’s all quite sad really – you’d think they’d have cottoned on after all these years.

Obviously not.

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I wish Katie Hopkins would just piss off, says man

My own TV show? How?!

My own TV show? How?!

A man who describes himself as a fork lift truck driver said today that he wishes Katie Hopkins would just piss off out of it and stop talking bollocks.

The Daily Mail columnist who makes a living out of being an absolutely heartless bitch hit the headlines this week when she had a haircut following a surgical procedure designed to help her battle with epilepsy.

“By her own criteria she’d have had herself humanely put down by now because she’s neither use nor fucking ornament, and a nasty piece of work to boot,” the man said.”Frankly I wish she’d just shut her bastard cakehole and stop poking her nose in where it isn’t wanted.”

A quick appraisal of the facts appears to support the view that Katie Hopkins is a blatant self publicist who thrives on media exposure, so in order to shut her up people need to stop publicising her prehistoric slant on life and just ignore the stupid cow.

Oh shit…

Paddy Berzinski

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Mass Online Hysteria Erupts Over Fictional Bacon Ban

AND DON'T FORGET TO VOTE UKIP!

AND DON’T FORGET TO VOTE UKIP!

It all kicked off big time on the Daily Express website’s comments section yesterday when the DE published a ‘story’ stating that bacon sarnies, butties or whatever you care to call them may or may not be banned in case they upset Muslim sensibilities. The story, such as it was contained a suggestion from somebody or other at Goldsmith University  that reheating bacon sandwiches, sausage rolls and generally any kind of pork product in workplace microwaves could be offensive to those of the Muslim and Jewish faiths.

Note the word ‘could’ because could is an entirely different word to ‘does.’ The DE ‘story in question seemed plausible – given the occasional bouts of communal insanity to which humanity is occasionally prone – although when any sane person considers the evidence based on real life experience, it’s highly improbable. Yet it didn’t seem to stop dozens of paranoid UKIP supporters from getting a bit hot under the collar and venting their collective “UKIP are not a racist party” spleens over some mythical ‘law’ which literally appeared to induce mad cow disease into their little hearts. Bless ’em all.

It didn’t take long for it all to go completely mad, with people expressing their fury about the Muslim invasion, the erosion of British culture, the end of life as we know it and Armageddon in an almighty shrapnel blast of knotted bacon rind.

I don't believe it!

I don’t believe it!

I read the story myself, and as I appear to be quite popular among Express online readers I introduced occasional inane comments suggesting that veganism is king and ‘meat will give you all manner of bad made up illnesses’ into the equation. For this crime against Christianity I was branded a ‘lefty,’ whilst other, slightly more robust commentators declared patriotically that the Muslims are taking over the world and are no doubt determined to enforce Sharia law across the nation. Even in Chipping Norton.

The government were denounced as ‘traitorous,’ which is something of a DE buzzword, and some people even went as far as to say they would eat pork pies and bacon rolls outside mosques as a mark of protest. Humour of any description appeared to be in exceedingly short supply, which led me to write in a frivolous manner that Muslims were correct in not eating pork because pork contains parasitic worms, and that once consumed, the worms move up to the inner ear via the lungs and attack the cochlea, causing possibly permanent deafness. One individual apparently took my idiotic remark at face value, replying that “farm bred pigs don’t have worms.”

When I went on to state even more idiotic ‘facts’ such as microwaves causing blindness and pork being the main cause of brain cancer somebody politely pointed out that more people are killed in car accidents than die eating pork. I must admit, that one kind of threw me. From that point on it got even more insane, so I decided it might be wise to just shut up and let the silly sods get on with it.

The reality is, there is no bacon or pork ban in force according to the law. It’s all a question of personal choice. I think somebody forgot to tell all the furious kippers, so they went about their patriotic duty with gusto, defending God and country by angrily pounding their keyboards and doubtless snorting into their Ovaltine as they vowed to defend the bacon sarnie to the death.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

A furious kipper last week girding his loins to prepare for battle.

Just as I got to thinking things couldn’t possibly get any crazier, a brief look at the Mail Online revealed that Richard Littlejohn – that well respected champion of common sense and straight talking no bullshit journalism – had thrown his pork pie hat into the fray. Somebody must have told him to get up out of his hyperbaric chamber and whip his laptop out pronto because the Express was kicking up a storm with this one. So Littlejohn basically repeated the DE article in some feeble attempt at stirring up a similar shitstorm on the Mail.

As Littlejohn himself has often said, “You couldn’t make it up.”

Which is somewhat ironic given that somewhere down the line somebody obviously did.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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What Happens In The First 60 Minutes After Reading The Mail And Express Online Comments Sections

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

Okay, I’ll come clean here and reveal one of my dirty little secrets. I suppose I should know better really, because stepping into dangerous territory against all medical and psychiatric advice is not recommended for even those of robust spirit, yet still I do it. It isn’t even as if there isn’t the information available, so there really isn’t any excuse for reading the comment sections tacked onto the bottom of ‘news’ articles in the Mail and Express online. It does get worrying though when you start to contribute too. It’s tantamount to submitting to madness.

I’ve tried cutting back; limiting my visits to once a week, and hoping to extend that to an occasional visit – say three or four times a year – but I failed dismally. The first month went okay, but then the addiction kicked in, and like any lapsed addict the pull of the right wing drug sucked me in and I started spending entire days reading the bigoted guff on these sites, and posting my own sarcastic ripostes. I even went as far as posing as a UKIP supporter one day, but had to give it up because I was almost starting to believe it myself.

Realising I was treading on dangerous ground I started to take notes, recording my feelings and responses over the course of an hour in order to document the potentially lethal damage a person can wreak on their own body by simply logging on to the Mail and Express websites and reading the comments over the course of one hour. A mere 60 minutes.

This is how it went.

5 Minutes – After five minutes I noted a marked increase in my adrenalin production. My eyes started to bulge and I could feel the hairs on the nape of my neck beginning to spike up. There’s an overwhelming feeling of disbelief. Are these actually real human beings posting these comments, or is there some kind of fiendish artificial intelligence at work churning this stuff out in reams?

12 Minutes – Anxiety kicks in. Am I really British? Suddenly I’m not so sure any more. According to these people who seem to be leaning slightly towards the political right I can’t possibly be British unless I truly want Britain to become great again. Basically by killing everybody else and building a huge wall around the country.

26 Minutes – Feeling a little calmer now and beginning to relax. There’s still a nagging dread that the whole of Britain has been concreted over and that tens of millions of people are putting us under siege in our own homes. I’m starting to get a bit nervous about setting foot outside the house for fear that some gang of foreign marauders will come and cut my head off in the street and nobody will come to my assistance. A quick glance out of the window allays most of these concerns. There aren’t any shadowy figures lurking behind the recycle bins intent on rape, torture and bloody murder. Mind you – the bloke up the kebab shop did once scowl at me when I asked for extra chilli sauce on my chicken shish…

37 Minutes – More fear kicks in. I’m learning a new language – the language of the extreme right and the conspiracy theorists. I’m also learning how to spell and use grammar to maximum effect. I learn new words and phrases and there’s no doubt I start to look at the world in a different light. I learn that everything going on today is part of an evil plot, masterminded by something called the ‘New World Order,’ I find out that I’m a ‘lefty cultural Marxist’  and a ‘traitor’ to my country. I’ve fallen for the mass deception that is the ‘Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan’ and that I don’t live in Europe any more. I live in the ‘EUSSR.’ I also discover ‘MSM,’ which apparently means mainstream media, as in the papers and TV, strictly unreliable news sources at best. It appears you have to get your news from places like infowars.com, Britain First, David Icke, Breitbart, Pegida and other secretive sources for all the real news. I may be scared but I discover I am at least learning something.

46 Minutes – Typographical errors and misplaced apostrophes no longer seem as important. I’m actually quite ambiguous about the way the ‘patriots’ on the DE and DM butcher the English language. I no longer flinch when I see things like ‘are country,’ or ‘they should all go back to they’re own country’s’ and that nothing is real any more – it’s all a false flag and done with photoshop. Either that or any pictorial content which doesn’t fit the agenda is ‘staged.’

51 Minutes – I find God. I’ve not been overly religious for a long time, so it’s a relief in a way to find out that I was worshipping the wrong God anyway. The new and only real god is a bloke named Nigel, and the new religion is called UKIP. There is only one commandment in the UKIP religion – Thou shalt adore no other God than Nigel. Nigel is the chosen one and must be revered at all times.  I learn of the axis of evil, which is LibLabCon McBilderberg. Voting for the axis is punishable by death.

59 Minutes – I’m wracked by doubt. Is everybody other than Nigel out to kill me? Should I really be calling for refugees to drown in the murky depths of the Med? Should I be a Hungarian or something? Is Vladimir Putin a communist or a strong leader? Is everybody who isn’t UKIP ‘traitorous?’ Should my response to any humanitarian crisis be to say: “Send the army in and shoot them all?” Should I join Britain First? Should I type everything with the Caps Lock button activated and toss in copious amounts of exclamation marks? I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality.

60 Minutes – I look at the responses to my comments on the DM and DE and discover that most of them don’t like me at all. They call be hurtful things like ‘Shuttledick’ and accuse me of being a ‘paid shill.’ Unable to take it any more I turn off the laptop. I’m in floods of tears. I come to the shocking realisation that I’m probably better dead.

I’m in a whirl. I desperately need some positive affirmation. I pick up the phone and call my mate Lynton. He has this knack of being quietly reassuring, putting my mind at ease. He says I’m an idiot for looking at those sites in the first place because despite what the comments say they aren’t the true voice of Britain. “What they are mate,” Lynton informs me. “Is a bunch of sad old gits with no sense of humour, no education, no intelligence and probably no significant other in their lives either. They’re all to old and decrepit to go around making threats and advocating race riots. Just sad, lonely old men,” Lynton concludes.

“A bit like me then really?” I chuckle, feeling somewhat uplifted.

“Exactly,” he says.

I’m not quite sure how to take that.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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UKIP Supporters Accuse Mail Online Of Cynical Ratings Manipulation

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

A Furious UKIP Fan Pictured This Morning

Commenters on UKIP articles on the Mail Online have accused the site moderators of cynically manipulating the up/down red/green arrow ratings in order to discredit UKIP and make the party’s supporters appear no better than a bunch of paranoid, ranting lunatics.

“It’s a sneaky, underhand tactic designed to discredit Nigel and the party,” one told us. “If people post anything complimentary about Nigel, the red arrows come flying in like the clappers, yet negative comments get similarly green arrowed. It’s obviously a fix.”

In order to test the conspiracy theory we interviewed a bloke down the pub who just happened to be reading a copy of the Mail. He told us that he looks at the paper’s online website too and that he didn’t see any obvious indications of arrow rigging.

“I’m a Conservative myself,” he told us. “But I am in no way biased against UKIP. I just follow the party line and quite frankly I agree that they’re a bunch of swivel eyed loons. They probably get so many down votes on the website because they’re all as nutty as fruitcakes and never stop twatting on about Nigel and complaining about the EU. That and the fact that they’re only on about twelve percent in the polls, which means that eighty eight percent of people don’t agree with them. I’ll be glad when they get their two seats or whatever they’re expecting and bloody shut up. They get on my nerves.”

“It’s a joke is that arrow based scoring system,” one UKIP supporter complained. “They obviously manipulate the statistics because the whole world knows exactly how important the red and green arrows on a website populated almost exclusively by lunatics are. Putin does the same thing with his hired stooges in Russia. They’re all in it together you know, the Mail, Putin, the lefties, the Muslims, the EUSSR, the Greens and the Jihadists. And the reason why they do it is because they’re all afraid of Nigel and the UKIP revolution, but we’ll have the last laugh when Nigel is in Downing Street and we’ve taken our country back.”

Yes, of course you will. You haven’t really thought this through, have you?

Paddy Berzinski

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Are We Human? Or Are We Frogs?

We couldn't find any pictures of frogs - so here's a crème egg to be getting along with.

We couldn’t find any pictures of frogs – so here’s a crème egg to be getting along with.

Researchers at the University of Casterbridge in Wessex today published an astonishing paper, which proves conclusively that the human race evolved from frogs. The Casterbridge team – sponsored by The Daily Mail – spent three weeks studying human genetic codes before coming to the sensational conclusion, stating that humans were never exactly the same as your common or garden frog, but very similar.

“We were very similar to the common or garden frog at one point in our early development, but not quite the same,” Professor Henry Higgins told us. “We would have had bigger heads and eyes on the end of stalks, and our feet wouldn’t be as webbed. We think.”

Professor Higgins – whose house is reportedly worth £1.4 million – didn’t get things all his own way though. One irate Mail reader posted on the newspaper’s website:

“WHAT A LOAD OF OLD TOMMYROT! THIS SO CALLED SIENTIST IS A DISCRAYCE! EVERYBODY KNOWS WE CAME FROM CAVEMEN! END OFF! VOTE UKIP TO STOP THIS NONSENCE AND TAKE ARE CUNTRY BACK!”

The post has since been removed by a bored moderator.

Professor Higgins appeared to take the criticism in his stride, saying: “Obviously not everyone is comfortable with the idea of people having evolved from frogs, but you can’t argue with the facts. Fact. Sometimes people can’t handle the truth.”

We asked top scientist off the telly, Professor Brian Cox what he thought of the findings of Casterbridge University. He told us:

“I’ve never read such a load of old nonsense in my life.”

Coming up – Drinking five bottles of red wine a night will probably make you feel ill the following day. A Daily Mail special report.

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Ten Bloody Good Reasons To Vote UKIP

In Nigel We Trust

In Nigel We Trust

We want our country back! Oh yes indeedy! And who’s the ideal man for the job? Is it ‘Do Nothing Dave’ or ‘Clegg The Peg’? Or even the Millipede chap who talks like he has a mouth full of old socks? We don’t think so. If we all truly want to reclaim our nation and our glorious empire for the benefit of our future Irish/Germanic/Jewish/Muslim/Sikh/Hindu ancestors and Daily Mail readers there really is only one way to vote.

On the surface it may not appear to amount to much in the way of political strategy, given that UKIP appear to have no political strategy whatsoever – other than to withdraw from the European Union – and then probably have a rethink at some point regarding where exactly we all go from there, which nobody seems to have a clue about – apart from Nigel.

Who has a plan.

Although he appears to be reluctant to divulge it to the electorate.

Probably because it’s Top Secret and such a masterstroke of utter genius that Nigel will deliver us all from evil in Ye Olde Red Lion in Henley on Thames in much the same way as Hitler succeeded in the Beer Hall Putsch in Munich.

Although it’s doubtful Nigel would attempt such a coup in a Bierkeller – that would be far too European.

And Nigel’s a GEEZER!

We know our history.

Here’s ten reasons to vote UKIP

1 – Nigel likes a pint. Anyone who likes a pint is okay by us, and is obviously in touch with the man on the street. He likes pubs too so he can’t possibly be all bad.

2 – Nigel likes the odd bacon butty. Even committed vegans occasionally hanker after a bacon butty, so that’s a good indicator of something or other. And not only does Nigel enjoy the odd bacon butty – he knows how to eat the damn thing. Manfully. With purpose. Taking huge bites and chomping on his Warburton’s medium sliced and smoked back bacon with ketchup like a man on a mission. Not like the Millipede fellow, or Do Nothing Dave making a mockery of noshing on a Cornish Pasty wearing an expression like he was eating a maggot infested apple. Nigel rocks!

3 – Nigel doesn’t seem too keen on Romanians. Nige once legendarily revealed that he wouldn’t feel as comfortable living next door to a house full of Romanian men as he would living next door to a house full of German men. And to be brutally honest, we wouldn’t feel altogether sure about a house full of any men living next door. Houses full of men are a bit iffy at best, we reckon. Unless the house in question happens to be a fire station or a police station. So he totally nailed that one.

4 – He married a German, so he obviously isn’t racist. So no worries there then unless you happen to be a Romanian man living next door to him with eleven of your cousins.

5 – Nigel used to be a Conservative, ‘used to be’ being the operative words. Too many people accuse the Cameron chap of being indecisive and weak. When Nigel found that out he had it away on his toes sharpish. Sources reckon he thought that the Conservatives were way too left wing for his liking and not nearly tough enough on benefit scroungers and illegal immigrants. Or any immigrants whatsoever. Allegedly.

6 – Nigel distinctly does not believe in nepotism or any kind of corruption in politics. He genuinely does employ his German wife as his private secretary because she’s the only person on the planet capable of doing the job. Apart from probably Carol Vorderman, but her wage demands would probably have proved prohibitive.

7 – Nigel’s father worked as stockbroker, and Nigel himself declined a university education so he could work in the City. So he knows how it works, unlike the other political party leaders who were wasting their time dressing up like buffoons in their Bullingdon Club togs and ridiculing the oiks. Nigel worked at the coal face (figuratively speaking) so he knows the script. He probably wrote some of it. A vote for UKIP ensures that we’ll get a Prime Monster who can find his way around the system without the need of a dodgy Romanian manufactured sat-nav.

8 – Nigel has sorted out the ‘swivel eyed loons’ in the UKIP ranks with surgical precision. According to insiders he sent all the swivel eyed loons to a Romanian optometrist in Bucharest who specialises in eyeball training. It seems they’re all still loons but they’ve trained hard and can now prevent their eyeballs from swivelling.

MAIL ONLINE!!! VOTE UKIP!!!!

MAIL ONLINE!!! VOTE UKIP!!!!

9 – Mail Online readers love UKIP. Read the comments in Mail Online articles relating to anything vaguely connected to Europe or immigration and they mainly say the same thing. We want our country back! Vote UKIP! So what? You may well ask. Given that the Mail’s website is the most popular newspaper website on earth, with its impeccable reputation for accurate and typo free reporting its readers and commenters must be right. The Mail obviously has the most politically savvy readership of any organ, so they can’t possibly be even remotely misguided. Even if a lot of them do accidentally leave ‘Caps Lock’ on for no explicable reason most of the time.

10 – UKIP have a solid policy for governance. Nobody seems to know quite what it is yet, but when we pull out of Europe we’ll be able to go back to the good old days of Empire and export curries and kebabs alongside call centre activities to places like the Windward Islands and everything will be hunky dory.

So there you have it.

I’m voting UKIP. Feel free to join me.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski (Not Romanian – honest.)

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