Our Farewell Note To David Cameron – Piss Off!

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

Pig botherer quits. Loser.

We doubt that porky porker Cameron will ever read this, but just in case you do stumble across this article, our message to you is – Piss off!

Goodbye and bollocking good riddance to the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had. We hope you’re fucking proud of your legacy Dave – austerity, mounting debt, ripping the arse out of the NHS, kicking the crap out of the sick and vulnerable, food banks, Brexit, tax breaks for your rich pals, zero action on corporate tax evasion, cuts to public services that even horrified your mother, and of course not forgetting the allegation that you plonked your prick in a porker’s mouth.

We just have one question to ask you, as you sit counting your offshore based millions after leaving our nation neck deep in shit as a result of your egomaniacal folly – can you take drooling Gideon Osborne and that murdering bastard Iain Duncan Smith with you?

We don’t usually do rants, but if we did they’d probably be a bit like this one.

Piss off ya prick!!!

Love you not,

Cafe Spike dot com.

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Britain Faces Big Bacon Crisis As Danes Ban Exports In Brexit Backlash

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it'll be history. The Classic Full English.

Enjoy while you still can. By next week it’ll be history. The Classic Full English.

Whilst it was inevitable that there would be a backlash from Europe over Britain’s decision to leave the EU, nobody stopped to consider that the classic ‘Full English Breakfast’ might be the first move in a war of attrition as Denmark slapped a ban on all exports of bacon to the UK. In a shock move, the Danish Food and Agriculture Minister announced in Copenhagen today that with immediate effect, all exports of bacon and allied products to the UK will be suspended.

“The British have been doing a lot of fighting talk of late,” Peppa Schnitzel told the Danish parliament. “They’ve called us all many bad things, so we will not only be saving our bacon, we’ll be keeping it. They are not having any more from us. It serves the selfish pigs right. A Full English cannot possibly be a Full English without bacon.”

Industry experts here in the UK say that the Danish move will have a devastating effect on national morale, even though Ireland – our second major bacon provider hasn’t announced a similar retaliatory move. Yet…

Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University responded that the Danish bacon blockade will result in the price of a single rasher of smoked back or streaky bacon to rise to £9.00 as things stand.

“In reality it’ll mean the price of a bacon sandwich purchased in a cafe or at a food van will go up to around £40,” Professor Mist said. “And if the Irish adopt a similar tactic then bacon will become completely unaffordable, even if you can get your hands on a black market supply. It’ll be more expensive than saffron. It’s all quite tragic really.”

We'll never see the like again.

We’ll never see the like again.

Soon to be ex-Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be “gutted” by the news – being a huge lover of all things pork and bacon related – but insisted it isn’t his fault.

“Let me be perfectly clear on this,” he said. “It isn’t my fault. I asked the public to vote remain but they didn’t. Everybody hates me now.”

More as it comes in.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Where’s Gideon? Has Anybody Seen Him?

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

Gideon (pictured on the right) is easily recognised by his waxy complexion. And he might possibly have some white stuff on his nostrils.

It’s the new game that’s taking the nation by storm since the referendum result was announced – the hunt for George Osborne, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer is well and truly on.

Gideon – as we like to call him – hasn’t appeared in public since the referendum result was announced, which has led to all manner of speculation, given that his boss – Bacon Bonce Cameron at least had the good grace to address the nation in order to inform us that he’s chucked in the towel.

So where is Gideon?

Some say he’s beavering away at the treasury trying desperately to make some sense out of the economic carnage caused by the Brexit vote; some say he’s gone off on a drug and alcohol fuelled bender, and some insist he’s buried up to the nuts in some high class call girl or other.

Here at Cafe Spike we’re not sure. The best we can come up with is that he’s buggered off to China because he thinks the Chinese are his mates, and that he’ll hand them a bung in order to promote football or the dog eating festival or something.

To be honest, we haven’t a clue where he is.

If anyone sees him can you let us know?

Many thanks.

Cafe Spike

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Dear Mr Cameron – The Knives Are Out

Little PIIII-IIG! Little PIG! HERE'S JOHNNY!

Little PIIII-IIG! Little PIG! HERE’S JOHNNY!

The foundations of the Prime Minister’s tenure appeared to be crumbling as further revelations of corruption surfaced as a result of the recent leak regarding a Panamanian tax haven which revealed that Mr Cameron’s late father was an avid tax evader.

With the Conservative government’s reputation and honour lying in tatters there are increasing calls for them all to resign or face imprisonment from concerned citizens.

“These bastards are selling off the family silver in order to line their own pockets, and then have the audacity to avoid paying taxes,” irate taxpayer Walter Hetherington raged. “And to fund all this they’re cutting back on public services? It’s ridiculous. How can they possibly sleep at night in the full knowledge that they’re hurting the poor and the sick and hammering the working man?

“I’d suggest that they do the right thing for once and disappear back down their rat holes before the public loses patience and they’re strung up from a lamp post like Mussolini. Or was that Hitler? I don’t know but it’s all a disgrace when you think about it. And we aren’t having it. Enough is enough – Barbra Streisand and the late lamented disco diva Donna Summer once sang – if memory serves.

“Anyway. He wouldn’t ever lie to us.”

 

Ted Pemberton

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David Cameron Is Absolutely Not Corrupt

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

“…In any way whatsoever,” said lifelong Conservative voter Oscar Howard. “There’s just been a misunderstanding somewhere and I’m sure it’ll all sort itself out, but I don’t believe a word of it myself.”

This, hot on the heels of Panamagate; leaked documents from Panama revealing that allegedly David Cameron’s late father Ian, was heavily involved in an international money laundering operation involving such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Colonel Gaddafi and Bashar Al Assad. [Read more…]

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Cameron Stitched Up Like A Kipper As Boris Backs Brexit

Hey Up Lads - The Daggers Are Out

Hey Up Lads – The Daggers Are Out

With Boris Johnson and Iain Duncan Smith electing to go against the Prime Minister by backing a Brexit from the European Union, the question arises: Is this really all about Europe or is it another Conservative power play?

Even among his own hardcore supporters David Cameron is widely regarded as the worst Prime Minister in history, so it’s ironic that two of his high profile political “allies” are taking advantage of the opportunity to do to him what he allegedly did to that pig’s head.

It’s hard to sympathise with the fat faced idiot, so we aren’t even going to try. We’re just going to sit back and enjoy the fireworks as these jumped-up public school buffoons self-destruct and their sadistic party descends into chaos and farce. What’s annoying about this is that the people governing us are so self-absorbed and egotistical that they’re actually hijacking the single most important test of public opinion in decades – the great EU debate, in order to play their stupid games.

That fact alone speaks volumes about our so-called leaders.

Were it not so important it would be hysterically funny.

On the one hand we have an abject failure of a Prime Minister and his equally odious failed Chancellor advising us to remain in the EU, whilst on the other hand you have a failed Minister for Work and Pensions who has mercilessly pummelled the sick and the disadvantaged pairing up with the political caricature that is Boris “Born In The USA” Johnson. (Apologies to the Springsteen chap.)

And that’s before we even get to the comedy circus that sees the alliance of Nigel Farage and George Galloway.

“Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!” – The Carry On film line seems to sum up Cameron’s predicament perfectly.

We can only hope that every bastard one of them pushes the self destruct button, thus allowing somebody to gain power who actually knows what they’re doing.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike. (We have a Facebook page but not many people like us. We don’t mind – we just do what we do.)

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Cameron Triumphs In Brussels – Wins Toaster, X-Box and Cuddly Toy

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

The PM pictured in desperate need of an imminent shit.

Just in – sources are reporting that David Cameron is winning his battle for EU reforms. Following lengthy negotiations the Prime Minister revealed that EU officials have agreed to give him a toaster, an X-Box and a cuddly toy, providing he promises to shut up and stop wittering on like an old woman.

“We’re making clear progress in these negotiations,” the PM announced. “If we can get the Germans onside there’s every chance of us landing the star prize, a vintage Volkswagen Beetle worth in excess of one hundred large. The French have already pledged a lifetime supply of smelly cheese, the Greeks some yoghurt and the Italians a pasta machine so it’s looking good. But we aren’t getting complacent. What we really want to see on the table are some Dutch clogs, some Irish stew and some guarantees on Danish bacon. We’re fighting tooth and nail for the best interests of our country in these delicate negotiations, and I feel we’re getting there.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage however was unconvinced as he launched a scathing attack on the PM and the EU on ITV news but technicians lost the audio link, leaving Mr Farage in an extremely animated yet mute state.

“Shouldn’t really matter,” an ITV technician revealed. “He always trots out the same old crap anyway, and people tend to switch off when that dickhead pops up.”

A German delegate who insisted on anonymity told an international press pack: “Personally I’d rather Britain fucked off out of it. They’re a pain in the arse, always moaning about one thing or another so let them go. They can keep their Cameron and Farage and the peanut brained Daily Express readers and sod off. And if they want a holiday with sun, sea and sand may I suggest Bognor fucking Regis? Wankers.”

More as we get it.

Update – Poland has threatened a total withdrawal of its nationals from Britain. Cameron is shitting himself and thus far there’s no sign of a bail out from toilet tissue manufacturers. Things getting heated. Dutch offering free spliffs and advising delegates to chill the fuck out.

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Photoshopped poppies all the rage this year thanks to David Cameron

A picture we snapped off the internet today showing a twat wearing some photoshopped poppies

A picture we snapped off the internet today showing a twat wearing some photoshopped poppies

Since the news broke that somebody in the Downing Street press office photoshopped a poppy onto an image of David Cameron apps have been popping up all over the internet in order to enable users to shop a poppy onto their own images. It’s a move which makes perfect sense financially for app users as it enables them to disseminate the impression that they’re actually wearing a poppy in support of the fallen, rather than the reality of them not being arsed to actually bother buying a real poppy.

“It’s quite a disappointing development really,” Paul Goldbloom, leader of the Britain’s Fist political party. “We rely on people buying our poppies in order to fund the party. These funds are vital to us because they pay for our piss ups down the pub and our bus fares to attend our rallies where hardly anybody turns up. If you ask me, photoshopping poppies is fraudulent and there ought to be a law against it because it’s misleading the public and proper hitting us in the pocket.”

Pranksters have taken to the internet in droves in order to photoshop poppies all over the place, in a spirited outbreak of good humour, which analysts suggest won’t have a detrimental effect on poppy sales in the real world.

“I think it’s quite comical really,” a poppy seller we encountered in town earlier on our way to Wetherspoons for a steak Tuesday lunch told us. “And I’m all for anything that raises awareness. I think we could do a roaring trade in badges with a little arrow on them bearing the message: ‘This is a genuine Royal British Legion poppy purchased from official sources and is definitely not photoshopped.’ It would certainly send a clear message out to that wanker David Cameron.”

Paddy Berzinski

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Don’t Mention The Prime Minister And The Pig

Not quite a pig's ear of it.

Not quite a pig’s ear of it.

What is it with our political leaders and pigs? Ed Miliband gained notoriety for his agonised expression during the run up to the General Election as he manfully attempted to eat a bacon sandwich, and now David Cameron… As disturbing revelations surface in a tell-all book by Cameron’s former chum Lord Ashcroft, it’s probably better not to mention the pig.

Nationwide, people are spluttering over their toast and marmalade at the breakfast table as the pig story hits the headlines. Can it be true? Could a serving Prime Minister have once done something unspeakable with a pig?

Was it just the head?

Or was the body attached?

And what of the legs?

You won't squeal will you?

You won’t squeal will you?

These are questions probably best left unanswered. We don’t know what happened because we weren’t there, so for us to comment or pass judgement over what may or may not have happened according to an uncorroborated allegation would simply be wrong.

Although why anybody would want to do such a thing with a dead pig’s head remains a mystery to us. Where’s the motivation? Who could possibly stand by and watch a rich toff allegedly plonk his old chap in a dead pig’s mouth and perform a sex act on it and find such an act clever or even mildly amusing?

What’s the point?

Did nobody have the presence of mind to take a metaphorical step back and suggest quietly to our future PM that fucking a dead pig’s head might not be such a good idea? Especially in front of witnesses?

“Hang on Dave old chap, before you… ahem… rise to the occasion, so to speak, it might be a good idea to think this through. There are witnesses for a start, and Binky over there has a camera. Be warned. One day you may become Prime Minister, participate in high level meetings with powerful international leaders. You might even get to meet the Pope! Do you honestly think these people in the future will respect some chap who once shagged a dead pig’s head? And if you get married and have kids? Your kids will never live it down at school, and your future wife will never be completely at ease with you in moments of intimacy knowing you’ve podged a porker’s nut. She’s going to wonder where the bloody hell else you’ve put it. You can maybe get over the weed and the Charlie allegations but if you poke that dead pig’s gob you’ll never live it down.”

Or something along those lines at least.

But apparently not. At least if Lord Ashcroft is to be believed. Of course it remains a possibility that Lord Ashcroft is just a bitter and twisted individual with a malicious agenda.

We don’t know if these allegations are true or not, but we’ll certainly never look at the Prime Minister again without a vague feeling of unease.

Paddy Berzinski, Oink Oink News Corporation.

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Nicola Sturgeon – If Looks Could Kill

A Picture What We Took Of Our Clapped Out Dell Laptop Screen Last Night

A Picture What We Took Of Our Clapped Out Dell Laptop Screen Last Night

If ever a look could be described as ‘withering,’ or be described as an expression of utter contempt it was the unwavering glare with which the Scottish Nationalist Party’s leader Nicola Sturgeon skewered David Cameron at the VE Day commemoration ceremony in London yesterday. She screwed David Cameron with surgical precision, with the classic thousand yard stare, which suggested that she isn’t really all that keen on the man or his party, and that if he thinks the spirit of Scotland is dead – then he’s got another think coming.

Mr Cameron – he could only squirm and look to the heavens, or at his feet as he was forced to stand in line with the people he’s basically – along with his PR machine – fucked into oblivion as he went through the desperate charade of even attempting to be patriotic.

That he couldn’t look Nick Clegg in the eye was understandable, if not forgivable. The big question is: Will he be able to look the families whose loved ones he’s plunged into a pit of despair in the eye? Probably not. Samantha’s out showing off on her new scooter, the kids are with the nannies and there are things to do – like don the gladrags for a cornball celebration, complete with a bollocks 80s musical theme somewhere in Mayfair. That’s David Cameron for you – the man who repeats the word ‘clear’ ad nauseum yet remains as transparent as a galvanised steel bucket filled with farmyard excreta.

Embarrassing or what Mr Cameron? Are you the man who would lead from the front or the snivelling coward sipping champagne and nibbling on canapés from way behind the line, while the front line troops are consumed in an orgy of mud, blood and bullets?

Here at Café Spike we reckon that Nicola Sturgeon, the Scottish race and the people who didn’t vote for you have you well sussed. We know that you’re a gutless wonder who only has the courage of his convictions because Rupert Murdoch’s media empire, allied with the Telegraph and the Mail are behind you.

The truth is that you have deceived a nation. You’ve drip-fed the population a diet of fear and insecurity, when you are the only person, and your loathsome party are the only thing people ever needed to fear. We’ve got your number mate. Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP have your number. That Bullingdon Club BS cuts no ice with us.

Expect a rough ride. It’s what happens when you ride roughshod over everybody else.

Martin Shuttlecock

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