Boris Johnson Battered By Nicola Sturgeon In ITV Debate

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

Former London Mayor and Prime Ministerial candidate Boris Johnson has been exposed as a self serving Old Etonian wanker by SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon. Most people are apparently aware that Boris is an absolute tit, and those who think as much had their thoughts confirmed as the Old Etonian shitbag launched into a personal tirade against the SNP leader – before then accusing the remain side of the panel on ITV’s EU Debate show of the very thing he’d initiated.

Regardless of personal opinion there can be little doubt that Boris Johnson is an entirely self-serving egomaniac who is prepared to stab his best mate in the back in order to get what he wants.

Johnson is certainly no fan of the man in the street or of the NHS – as Nicola Sturgeon pointed out so patiently and eloquently by highlighting Boris’s hostility to workers and women’s rights.

If leave are going to persuade people to go along with them they’re going to need a more effective spokesman than Johnson.

Shouting louder than anyone else and blind bluster isn’t all that convincing.

Would you want to trust this man in number ten?

Because that’s all he’s interested in.

MS for Cafe Spike


Brexit – Nigel Farage To Hold Mass Debate With Nigel Farage Over Nigel Farage

Blah blah blah blah borders blah blah migrants blah blah

Blah blah blah blah borders blah blah migrants blah blah

UKIP leader Nigel Farage today announced that he would be holding a mass debate with Nigel Farage over the thorny issue of Nigel Farage as the EU stay or leave referendum looms ever closer, in one of those articles that repeats the headline in the first line of text just in case anybody missed it.

“Nigel Farage is a very thorny issue right now,” said Nigel Farage to Nigel Farage in a pub in Kent this lunchtime called The Nigel Farage And Frog Kebab Grill And Pizza House. “Personally I’d welcome an open debate with Nigel Farage about migrants, borders, the EU and Nigel Farage’s bizarre fashion sense, although I doubt he’d take me up on the debate offer because he has no chance of winning. Being a one trick pony and that.”

Responding angrily, Nigel Farage BLASTED Nigel Farage in a DAILY EXPRESS style article, SLAMMING Nigel Farage for being afraid to take on Nigel Farage in an open and frank debate about a subject close to Nigel Farage’s heart.

Nigel Farage is a joke and a charlatan,” Nigel Farage BLASTED. “If he’s so cocksure about his Nigel Farage philosophy and political agenda then why won’t he debate with me on the telly? Or even on a You-Tube clip? I tell it like it is, me, and I’ve never lost a debate yet – apart from the ones where I came second, third or last. That’s why Nigel Farage won’t debate with me.

Nigel Farage declined to respond to Nigel Farage other than by saying: “This is typical of Nigel Farage and UKIP. Always ducking the question and changing the argument to one about immigration.”

“Nigel Farage has either totally lost the plot,” one political analyst told us. “Or he’s caused everyone else to lose the plot. Frankly I don’t give a toss either way. Some people will do anything to get in the news.”

Barking Mad Murphy for Cafe Spike dot com.


An Open Letter To Suella Fernandes

Fareham Doesn't Want Any More Of This Sort Of Thing

Fareham Doesn’t Want Any More Of This Sort Of Thing

Dear Suella,

Congratulations on your successful election campaign and we wish you every success in your new position, representing the people of Fareham in parliament over the coming five years and possibly beyond.

Right, that’s the formalities concluded. Now down to business.

It has come to our notice (‘our’ meaning my good lady wife and I, together, the two of us) that within a mere 48 hours of winning the seat, you appear to have certainly hit the ground running with your assertion that most people you have spoken to are in favour of the Welborne development plan, as outlined in an article for The News.

Upon reading this ambiguous statement we were left with a rather uncomfortable feeling deep within our roiling tummies.

How many people did you speak to? How many were against the project?

We ask simply because most people we’ve spoken to appear to be either blissfully unaware of the proposed development, or that they haven’t actually thought through the long term implications. The pro-Welborne stance maintains that the development will be an overall asset to the area, whereas a burgeoning anti-Welborne movement foresee nothing but chaos. The arguments on both sides have been pretty well documented, and we are confident that you will have spent many hours poring over reams of claim and counter-claim in order to familiarise yourself with a comprehensive overview of the contrasting arguments.

(You have my deepest sympathy for having the patience to scan reams of gobbledook and officialise – many years ago I too had to burn the midnight oil studying Thomas Hardy’s ‘Far From The Madding Crowd’ for a GCE O Level English Lit exam, so I am fully aware of what a pain in the posterior intensive cramming can actually be. Heaven alone knows how you barristers cope with all that swotting over masses of complicated books; in my experience Hardy was more than sufficiently challenging.)

All of which leads me to beg the question: What is your personal stance regarding Welborne, based on whatever information you have gleaned?

I ask this because there appear to be grave concerns among the anti-Welborne campaigners (whom the council leader allegedly refers to – somewhat dismissively by all accounts – as ‘keyboard warriors’) that you will, as an individual and a resident, toe the council line and unconditionally support the proposal.

Now, I must admit that I am not a supporter of the development plan, and add that I am not to the best of my knowledge a swivel eyed loon, although this may occasionally be a debatable point on the occasions when I’ve overdone it a bit on the mead. Thus it came about that I actually defended you this morning in our kitchen, to my wife as she was preparing a hearty fried breakfast – cholesterol and fat laden admittedly but you only live once, and a full English is one of life’s finest treats in my humble opinion.

“No,” I told my wife in no uncertain terms. “Suella will NOT be biased towards the local council in the great Welborne debate, because she is the elected representative of all the people of Fareham, and she will represent ALL of us equally – even the anti-Welborne rabble, for that is her duty.”

I Just Want A Normal Breakfast. Is That Too Much To Ask?

I Just Want A Normal Breakfast. Is That Too Much To Ask?

My wife didn’t seem completely convinced by my argument in your favour and as an expression of her disgust with me she subsequently smothered my breakfast in mingingly hot chilli sauce. Undeterred I ate my breakfast anyway and my eyes stopped streaming at about tea-time. Which is when I was moved to type out this message.

Are you for or against Welborne? Against or for? Or are you neutral?

The anti-Welborne movement have a Facebook page which you are cordially invited to join. They really aren’t a fanatical NIMBY type group – they welcome all opinions with an open mind.

I hope you can take time out from your busy schedule to confirm your stance on this matter, not least because I don’t think I can stand too many hot chilli smothered fried breakfasts as it’s starting to play havoc with my motions.

Yours Faithfully

Martin Shuttlecock