Leaked pic DOES NOT show Nigel Farage performing gay sex act

Nigel Farage - not really gagging for it.

Nigel Farage – not really gagging for it.

A leaked photograph of what appears to be Nigel Farage performing a gay sex act isn’t all that it appears to be, Cafe Spike’s science correspondent Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University stated with a degree of confidence today, although the picture has been independently verified as being ‘untampered with and displayed in its original form,’ albeit completely out of context.

The picture, which has appeared on several US websites claiming that it depicts Nigel Farage about to perform a sex act upon US Presidential contender Donald Trump has caused shockwaves throughout the world, particularly among the LGBT community, who find it utterly incomprehensible why anyone in their right mind would want to suck off Donald Trump.

“There’s no disputing that it’s Nigel Farage in the photograph,” explained Professor Mist. “But it definitely isn’t Donald Trump’s cock hovering around Nigel’s mouth. The picture obviously depicts somebody’s finger, attached to a hand in the foreground with Nigel Farage in the background. Somebody has just trimmed and rotated the picture to make it look like something it really isn’t. I’m no fan of Nigel Farage but this is really trawling the depths of depravity.”

Although the image has been proven to be a gross and perverted interpretation of reality, 98% of male Daily Express comments section users said that they would perform oral sex on Nigel Farage or Donald Trump “if it was interpreted as an act of heroic patriotism,” 84% said they’d do them both, and 79% said they’d take one for the team.

But not in a gay way.

Obviously.

More as we get it.

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Trump Tried To Get Into My Knickers Claims English Rose

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

Georgina Osborne pictured in Accrington yesterday.

US presidential candidate Donald Trump was allegedly obsessed with former model and reformed drug addict Georgina Osborne and made repeated attempts to seduce her during a night out at a snooker club in Accrington, Lancs.

According to English rose, Georgina Osborne.

The failed seduction attempt took place in 1986, after Trump plied Ms Osborne with fourteen pints of Thwaites bitter and a bottle of Babycham.

“He was terribly insistent,” Georgina recalls. “I was outside in the car park waiting for a taxi when he came to give me what I thought would be a goodnight hug, but before I knew it he had me bent over the bonnet of a Ford Cortina. Had it not been for the intervention of a man from a kebab van I shudder to think what might have happened. Trump had me at his mercy, but in fairness he saw the absurdity of the situation and bought me a doner kebab. He admitted he’d allowed himself to get a little carried away by my stunning beauty and we laughed about it afterwards. Anyway, it all turned out well because I married the man from the kebab van.

“Of course that was before the crack cocaine addiction, the prostitution and six appearances on the Jeremy Kyle show, but I was young and foolish then. And so was he.”

We contacted Donald Trump’s campaign HQ for a reaction to Ms Osborne’s revelation but they completely ignored us.

And please – no Specsavers quips. They aren’t remotely funny and we’re sick to fucking death of them.

Paddy Berzinski

*Next week – Georgina Osborne – Nigel Farage wanted me to wear a burkha in kinky sex romp

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Have The Germans Really BANNED SAUSAGES?

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

A liar tucking in to sausage and mash earlier today.

SLAMMED!

According to the Sunday Express they have, but then according to reports in the EXPRESS there’s all manner of malarkey going on these days. The THREE MONTH ARCTIC WINTER they predicted never actually came about, and neither did the GIANT METEORITE cause GLOBAL DISASTER on Saturday night as predicted. Which tends to suggest that generally speaking the EXPRESS TALKS OUT OF ITS ARSE.

BLASTED!

The EXPRESS has form for this. Indeed the NATIONAL AND ONCE REPUTABLE news outlet appears to have abandoned responsible journalism in favour of blaming refugees and migrants for just about EVERYTHING imaginable. Such a travesty then that THE EXPRESS’s article of the month features a clip of some American bloke POPPING A MASSIVE ZIT, and drowning the screen in repulsive pus. Not forgetting THE EXPRESS’s really, really annoying USE OF BLOCK CAPS FOR SENSATIONALISM in just about every fucking bullshit headline they run.

SLAMMED AND BLASTED!

Oh, and not forgetting their rather weedy tactic of describing anyone with even the most minor of criticisms as SLAMMING this, or BLASTING that. What a load of old bollocks.

UKIP AND DONALD TRUMP BLASTED!

As if all that wasn’t enough they support UKIP – reporting every mouth-fart that Nigel ‘Mustard Pants’ Farage pollutes the atmosphere with. And they support Donald Trump – a Presidential candidate who seems more interested in convincing the American people that he doesn’t have small hands or a small dick than in actually saying anything relevant.

GERMANY SLAMMED AND BLASTED FOR BANNING SAUSAGES!

Just like the EXPRESS report concerning the full English breakfast ban – it’s just more bollocks from a poorly written, badly researched right-wing NATIONAL NEWS OUTLET that really should know better and act more responsibly, rather than pandering to its EDL and Britain First supporting readership of moronic neanderthals.

Just sayin’ like.

MS for cafespike.com

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Is This Donald Trump’s Final Solution?

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

Some flyaway hair pictured with the Donald

To the great Constitutional scholar Donald Trump and to anyone of his ilk who believes it is acceptable to force Muslims to register on some database simply because they are a member of a certain religion: Maybe force them to wear striped pajamas with yellow Crescent Moons sewn on the fronts.  How could that go wrong?

You are an un-American stooge who has never read the Bill of Rights, or who believes it only pertains to (or, most likely believes it SHOULD only pertain to) those of the “Christian” faith, since it is obvious that only Christians should have rights to worship unregistered:

Amendment 1:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof…”

To force any practitioner of any religious faith to register with a government agency, which, in this case, is any Muslim believer whether or not he or she is a US citizen, would amount to a de facto barrier to the free exercise thereof of their faith. No one in this country has any right whatsoever to know what religion I practice, or if indeed I practice none at all.

And for those of you who believe “it could never happen here in the US,” just ask the Mormons what has happened to them in this country. I’ll give you a hint… hell; I’ll be generous and give you two hints:

(1) In the 19th Century, an order of Extermination was signed by a state governor (figuratively) giving the Mormons till sundown to get out of town or to face extermination at the hands of the state militia.

(2) Polygamy kept the Territory of Utah from becoming a state and husbands were jailed in prisons, many losing everything they had in the process. Polygamy was a tenant of the LDS religious faithful. Exactly who it hurt, I do not know or care; US citizens were denied their rights based upon their religious beliefs.

Snake handling is illegal in many states. Christian Scientists are often prosecuted for faith healing, whereas Benny Hinn is free to swindle millions from Social Security recipients for bogus healings and jabbering over them whist he slaps them out cold with a blow to the forehead.. God knows we can’t have ole Benny put out of business; but it could happen if we put faith healers on a data base and prosecuted them when their “healed” lame folks trip and break a hip, or worse.

Do you believe it cannot happen to you, my Christian friends? Then why, oh why do I read (almost every day) in newspapers and magazines about “the war upon Christianity?”

Finally, for those of you who believe Muslims should all be placed upon some database or “No Fly List,” why is it that you are so dead-set opposed to registering your guns, all of which CAN and COULD kill an innocent YOU–but you can be in favor of registering US citizens of the Muslim faith who are unlikely to ever kill YOU?

It’s the US versus THEM mentality that shall most likely do you in.  Hitler beat Trump on the registering of religious groups; he registered Jews.  Now, how was that a bad idea?

By Frank E Jordan, US Correspondent, Café Spike

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