Welfare Reform Dramatically Improved My Life – Says Dead Man

Police issued a picture of a possible suspect today.

Police issued a picture of a possible suspect today.

Speaking through the channel of an accredited Spiritualist a dead man today claimed that welfare reforms had dramatically changed his life for the better. The 58 year old who collapsed and died an extremely undignified and public death on the grubby floor of a British factory whilst working shifts for the ‘living wage’ in an intensely stressful environment had nothing but praise for the government’s radical welfare reform programme.

“I had heart trouble,” the man revealed. “It was so bad that I could barely manage a single flight of stairs without having to stop and sit down for a rest. I felt completely useless to be honest. It got to a point where I couldn’t walk more than a few steps without feeling dizzy and nauseous, living in constant fear of losing my balance and falling under a bus or cracking my head on something sharp and suffering some kind of terrible brain trauma.

“I felt like my life was finished and that I’d become a burden to my family and society as a whole.

“Then I was invited to attend a Fitness For Work Assessment and it changed my life in the most positive way possible. I was judged to be fit for work by a fat cunt with his arm in a cast who basically ignored everything I said, but who dramatically improved my life by asserting that I was 100% fit and able to work and subsequently cut my Employment Support Allowance by £30 a week and told me to get off my lazy arse and contribute something to society, which at the time I thought was a bit of a liberty coming from a government funded prick who earned more in an hour being a twat than I could earn on the living wage in a month, but in the end the fat wanker was absolutely correct.

“It changed my life for the better, giving me the confidence to apply for various positions, including Head Goalkeeping Coach at Sunderland FC and sparring partner for Floyd Mayweather in Las Vegas.

“Suffice to say that I didn’t get any of the more glamorous posts that I applied for, but after being sanctioned by the DWP and forced to rely on food banks for basic sustenance I got offered a job in a factory on a production line where you had to have the hand speed of Muhammad Ali in order to make a go of it, whilst being berated by a fat bastard of a supervisor who just stood around shouting at people and watching them struggle whilst making no attempt whatsoever to assist.

“On my third day I wasn’t feeling too well but I went in to work regardless. Seeing as the DWP had declared me fit and healthy enough to work I mistakenly believed I’d be okay.

“Then we had a bit of a pile up on the line where I couldn’t quite keep up, but I did my best because anything is better than being at the mercy of the psychopathic DWP and this bastard of a government, but I keeled over. I hit the floor like a sack of shit and lay there helpless, twitching in my death throes as my workmates went into panic mode.

“I’d have loved to have spent my final minutes on this earth telling my nearest and dearest that I loved them unconditionally, but I drew my last breath on that shitty factory floor surrounded by strangers, and I was grateful to the DWP for making my life better. At least I was in work.

“And the employment agency who employed me offered discounted trauma counselling to my fellow employees, which really made my day as I watched from the firmament above.

“Thanks to the DWP I at least died with dignity. I’d rather that than to pop my clogs on the sofa eating macaroni cheese and watching Judge Rinder.

“It was all for the best really. I just hope my co-workers weren’t too traumatised watching me thrash about in agony and spit my dentures out as I shuffled off this mortal coil. I’m not bitter. Just very, very dead.”

(This article is dedicated to Iain Duncan Smith, the Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) ATOS assessors and that poor dead pig whose head suffered a fate worse than death even after death.)

*With all due respect to Judge Rinder.

PB

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Iain Duncan Smith – Mwaah ha ha ha ha…

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Vlad The Impaler pictured recently at a cannibal barbecue.

Those who think Iain Duncan Smith’s resignation from the DWP means he’s gone for good need to think in terms of horror movies where the bad guy – seemingly dead – gets up and continues his reign of terror with even greater ferocity than before. They’re dead but they won’t lie down.

As for resigning on a point of principle – sadistic psychopaths rarely – if ever – have a sudden attack of guilt following a concerted five year rampage, so we aren’t buying that at all. It’s political grandstanding and IDS has clearly thrown his cap in with Boris and the Brexit brigade, instantly transforming from demon to morally upright martyr; at least in the eyes of the terminally stupid and Daily Express readers.

Celebrating IDS’s resignation seems somewhat premature. He’ll be back, more evil than ever, like Michael Myers, Freddie Krueger and the Terminator.

In fact IDS will probably pop out of a Whitechapel alley in the dead of night tonight, wearing a long black cape and a top hat, brandishing a large knife ruthlessly murdering and mutilating innocent passers by.

A chap’s got to keep his hand in, don’t you know.

Martin Shuttlecock

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Where Are The Iain Duncan Smith Revelations?

IDS and his big baldy nut - keeping a low profile

IDS and his big baldy nut – keeping a low profile

In the light of potentially damaging allegations directed at the Prime Minister by Lord Ashcroft about performing a sex act on a pig’s head, which we can’t possibly go into here because they may not be true, questions are being asked regarding DWP chief Iain Duncan Smith. Questions such as: “If David Cameron actually did perform a sex act on a pig’s head, then what on earth might Iain Duncan Smith have got up to in his misspent youth?”

Often described as ‘the most hated man in Britain’ and frequently accused by his detractors of being a dangerous psychopath, speculation is mounting as to what IDS may or may not be guilty of. What is known is that he has lied to the people in fictional DWP leaflets and has attempted to suppress the release of figures regarding the numbers of people who died shortly after being pronounced fit for work whilst ill and subsequently having their benefit payments sanctioned.

Often compared with a shark, and described by those who claim to know him as ‘not the sharpest tool in the box’ IDS is currently the subject of much speculation about where he might have put his penis, and how weird it may have been. Of course it’s all just speculation at this stage, but it’s fair to state that the IDS haters are coming out of the woodwork and asking some pretty awkward questions.

“I don’t know if he’s ever been to an aquarium,” one critic remarked. “But as we’re on the subject of bestiality I could imagine IDS trying to fuck a great white shark or suck off a dolphin. Not that I can say so with any authority of course, because I simply don’t know. But I wouldn’t put anything past that dodgy bastard.”

“He must have done something seriously disgusting,” a left wing journalist said. “They all must have. They’re just not what we’d call ‘normal,’ what with their Uni drinking clubs, their alleged drug abuse and penile invasions of all manner of things, living and dead during their initiation ceremonies. Personally I’m not a gambling man but if I was, I’d have a tenner on IDS being involved in encounters with some form of aquatic organism, probably involving ropes and fishing nets.”

We sent an email to the House of Commons asking if Iain Duncan Smith had done anything to be deeply embarrassed about in his murky past but so far nobody has responded.

So we sent another one advising IDS to come clean because sooner or later the awful truth would come out and it would be for the best if he just admitted something and took it on the chin, like a man, but nobody responded to that either.

“I’m not sure to be honest,” a pretty well known TV news anchor told us. “But the bloke who said about fucking a great white shark or sucking off a dolphin seems to have it on the money in my book.”

In the meantime, as we wait with bated breath, we still don’t know for certain whether or not Lord Ashcroft’s allegations regarding the Prime Minister shafting a pig’s napper are true or not.

However, the smart money suggests that Iain Duncan Smith is currently shitting himself.

Ted Pemberton.

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