Theresa May to go for a plucky Brexit

Theresa May - knows everything there is to know about shoes.

Theresa May – knows everything there is to know about shoes.

As the debate rages over whether Britain will take the ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ Brexit route it has emerged that in typically British fashion Theresa May appears to have plumped for a ‘plucky’ Brexit.

In true British spirit, a plucky Brexit will involve a great deal of posturing, lots of head shaking, sharp intakes of breath, lashings of knowing glances, a bit of shouting, much wringing of hands, a multitude of platitudes and the laying on thick of gallons of patronising guff.

“What it means basically is that we’ll be half way in and half way out,” a Downing Street source revealed. “We’ve based our strategy on the old song about the Grand Old Duke of York, whose ten thousand men when they were up were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up they were neither up nor down.

“That should be enough to baffle the Europeans so they haven’t a clue what’s happening either, satisfy the Brexiters who hadn’t got a clue what they were really voting for anyway, and appease the remainers who’d moan whatever happened.

“This way we get the best of both worlds – if the EU descends into meltdown we just tell them that we told them we were leaving anyway, and if our economy tanks we go back to the EU and just act like nothing happened. The PM’s a shrewd operator and she’s got an amazing shoe collection. She knows what she’s doing.

“Especially when it comes to shoes…”

More as we get it.



Brexiteers still not quite sure about almost everything

Farage - appealing to the intellectually challenged.

Farage – appealing to the intellectually challenged.

A quick look at comments on social media reveals that Brexiteers aren’t quite sure about anything at all. What does seem abundantly clear is that many Brexit voters confidently anticipated some form of ethnic cleansing within days of a leave vote. Perhaps naively, many believed that voting for Brexit would result in an end to the free movement of labour and the expulsion of EU migrant workers from the UK along with mass repatriation of the UK’s Muslim population.

A not insignificant number of Brexiteers have been left confused and bewildered as they’ve come to the realisation that this isn’t ever going to actually happen.

Many are also disappointed in that they used the referendum as a protest vote against David Cameron’s government, and although Cameron, Osborne, Gove and co were consigned to the rubbish bin it’s still pretty much business as usual in Westminster. Only the faces have changed.

Campaigning and voting for a massive sea change in a nation’s future is all well and good – providing there is a plan in place. The Brexit campaign had no such plan – probably because they all quite confidently expected to lose the referendum, and now they’ve been caught with their trousers down.

Somewhat ironically, Nigel Farage – whose sole raison d’être was to “free the UK from the shackles of the Brussels dictatorship” – stood down as UKIP party leader, yet strangely didn’t resign his position as an MEP, ensuring he keeps his snout in the EU trough claiming salary and expenses from an institution that he supposedly detests. (Yes, the same institution that has paid his salary and expenses since his election in 1999.)

All of which leaves Brexiteers scratching their heads in vacant confusion.

And what of UKIP itself? Is their any point in its existence?

Potential party leader Steven Woolfe seems to think so. Wolfe wants to rebrand UKIP, with a name change and a change of party colours in order to appeal to the more moderate sections of the electorate. However, being a Mancunian raised on a Moss Side estate and with black and Jewish heritage he hardly seems likely to be flavour of the month among UKIP’s grass roots element.

So basically Brexit is in turmoil. The pound is on the slide despite massive cash injections from the Bank of England, the future is uncertain, we’re probably heading for a recession despite what the right wing press would have you believe and nobody seems to have the slightest idea what to do next.

As Brexiteers crow from the rooftops that they’ve won, that we are now free from the evil EUSSR, the Coudenhove-Kalergi Plan, the reptilians, the cultural Marxists, the lefties, political correctness, the New World Order, the Illuminati and all that other conspiracy bollocks they’re so fond of quoting, we have just one question:

What exactly did you win?

“Sweet fuck all really” is one phrase that springs to mind.

Martin Shuttlecock reporting for


Learn To Speak Spanish Or Stay At Home Warning To Brits

Boozed up Brits not wanted in Spain.

Boozed up Brits not wanted in Spain.

Madrid – The Spanish government today issued a warning to British visitors to learn the Spanish language or risk being turned away at points of entry, as it debated sanctions against the United Kingdom following last week’s vote to leave the European Union.

“We’ve been subjected to hordes of uncouth, drunken British thugs for far too long,” Spanish Foreign Minister Señor Hijo DePuta warned. “And we aren’t taking it any more.

“We don’t want the British at all, unless they learn our language. Patriotic Spaniards are fed up to the back teeth of these idiots who think that shouting in a loud voice and pointing at things randomly somehow makes them comprehensible. And don’t even get me started on their alcohol fuelled antics – they’re a disgrace, performing lewd sex acts, being sick in the streets before collapsing in a pool of their own urine. We’re a predominantly Catholic country and we’re not having it.

“Ideally, we’d rather not have them at all, but shutting out the Neanderthal knuckle draggers who are too stupid to learn another language is a start. The expats – as you describe them; we call them migrants – are just as bad, coming over here for the weather and the free health care. We’ve had a belly full of the British – especially the English. They’re a bunch of bad mannered, foul mouthed drunken louts. Let the English pigs go elsewhere because we don’t want them. We’re taking our country back, and it’s not before time.”

Paddy Berzinski for Cafe Spike


Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.


Merkel Orders Britain To Stop Making Sausages In Brexit Backlash

No sausage, no bacon - project fear becomes a hellish reality.

No sausage, no bacon – project fear becomes a hellish reality.

Through the auspices of the EU, German leader Angela Merkel has demanded that British sausage makers either stop producing sausages forthwith or pay a per sausage licence fee to the German government of approximately £1.50 per sausage to the German government.

“Sausages are a German innovation,” said German MEP Herr Willy Flicka. “It is only right and correct that Britain pay a licence fee of £1.50 per sausage to the fatherland. When you were our friends before the Brexit vote – apart from that twat Farage – we were happy to let you make sausages as a gesture of our good will. But now you have made it abundantly clear that you don’t like us, so you can pay the licence fee, you Fockers.”

“This is a disaster for British sausage manufacturers,” said Professor Ken Mist of Titchfield University. “It’ll mean the price of a sausage sandwich or a hot dog will go up to around £10 a throw. It’s not good news for butchers or sausage manufacturers, and you can kiss your Cumberlands and your Lincs goodbye. As far as sausages go it’s game over. And all because we voted Brexit. It’s a crying shame really, but – on a positive note – at least the Germans haven’t invaded Poland yet.”

More on the Full English Breakfast crisis as we get it.

Martin Shuttlecock


Stuff Your Referendum – Says Local Man

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

A picture of a woman wearing a bikini top inserted for no immediately obvious reason.

Local man and part-time website editor Martin Shuttlecock told both Brexit and Remain campaigners to: “Stuff your referendum up your khyber.”

The astonishing outburst occurred as canvassers simultaneously turned up at Shuttlecock’s front door brandishing leaflets and all manner of scare stories and worst case scenarios .

“I’m not interested in any of it any more,” he said later. “I’m damn well sick to the back teeth of the lot of it. It doesn’t matter which way you vote because you just can’t win. Cameron and Osborne spearheading the remain camp and Boris, Farage and Duncan Smith doing the Brexit thing…

“They’re all lying sadistic butchers. How can anyone believe any of them?

“It’s like being offered a choice between hanging and the electric chair.

“I won’t even bother to vote – I’m just going to get a few beers in instead and binge-watch a box set of ‘Walking Dead’ to cheer myself up.”

The referendum will be held on 23rd June.

UKIP supporters will self destruct as soon as the result is announced.

Paddy Berzinski


Nigel Farage is a fetishist who wears his wife’s lingerie

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife's panties.

Nigel Farage possibly demonstrating that feeling you get when your bellend gets snagged in the gusset of the wife’s panties.

He may look like a bullfrog with his big mouth and his patronisingly idiotic grin but there’s more to UKIP leader Nigel Farage than meets the eye, for underneath those daft suits, velvet collared crombie coats and mustard coloured corduroy trousers (hence the term “Mustard Pants”) Nigel Farage hides a dirty secret.

For underneath that thin veneer of city gent respectability, Nigel Farage is wearing his wife’s knickers, suspender belt and black fishnet stockings.

So says Theresa Florentine, a freelance journalist from Aston, who claims Farage admitted his kinky secret during a drinking binge in a Brussels gay bar, just a stone’s throw away from the EU Headquarters where Farage – who claims to understand the fishing business – can hardly ever be arsed to attend policy setting meetings on behalf of the brave members of Britain’s fishing fleet.

When pressed further, Ms Florentine stated categorically that it was “without any shadow of a doubt” Nigel Farage who made the stunning confession.

“He was as pissed as a fart and he just blurted it out,” she said. “At least I think it was Nigel Farage – it could have been anybody really because I was a bit plastered myslef – but sod it. There’s been so much scaremongering and bullshit flying around over this referendum bollocks that I thought the British public deserve to know what Nigel Farage is really like. If it wasn’t him I apologise unreservedly, but let’s face it – the man’s a cunt anyway. All he ever does is prey on people’s fears by demonising migrants. Where’s your tax return then Nigel, you mustard panted prick? Eh? Eh?”

At which point we terminated the interview as Ms Florentine collapsed in a heap and banged her head on a table.

Cafe Spike – bringing you the true face of this bollocks referendum.

Whose round is it?

More as we get it.



I wiped my arse on a Brexit leaflet and now it’s gone septic

Picture posed by a model who doesn't have a septic ringpiece. Probably.

Picture posed by a model who doesn’t have a septic ringpiece. Probably.

Brexit campaigners have been accused of dirty tricks and underhandedness after a remain campaigner found out that his ringpiece had turned septic after wiping his backside on a Brexit leaflet. Connor Sullivan, a beer taster from Blackburn complained that Brexiteers had deliberately contaminated their leaflets with bacteria designed to turn arses septic should the leaflets be used as toilet paper.

“I know they’re fanatics,” Sullivan said. “But I honestly couldn’t believe they’d stoop as low as this. I’d hardly even flushed the toilet before my brown eye started itching furiously. It got worse as the night wore on and by morning I was in agony and my arse was oozing. It wasn’t pleasant.”

Realising that he was facing a serious situation, Sullivan took himself off to the A&E Unit at Blackburn Royal Infirmary where doctors confirmed that he did indeed have a septic arse.

“We prescribed antibiotics,” a doctor who insisted on anonymity told us. “He’ll be in some distress for a while but he should be back to normal within a few hours. Providing of course he takes the full course of tablets.”

A leading Brexit campaigner denied any allegations of wrongdoing.

“Mr Sullivan’s claims are completely without foundation,” she told us. “We didn’t contaminate anything – deliberately or otherwise. The reality is more likely that he rived furiously at his own arsehole with dirty fingernails causing it to become infected. These remainians are absolute nutters. I even heard yesterday that a leading remainian put his old chap in a dead pig’s head. They’re pretty disgusting people really, all drug addicts and sexual deviants.”

More as we get it.

A Cafe Spike report.


Nigel Farage Gives Rousing Speech To The Converted



UKIP leader Nigel Farage is reported to have delivered a rousing speech to a wildly enthusiastic group of Dutch anti-EU converts in the back room of a pub.

Reports are still coming through as to exactly what he said, but seasoned Nigel watchers appear to be suggesting that the content probably involved a great deal of anti-EU rhetoric and a fearsome rant about tsunamis of refugees approaching biblical proportions coming over here to steal our jobs and rape our womenfolk.

It’s not known if Mr Farage encountered and was made to feel uncomfortable by hordes of alien invaders who don’t speak English on the local metro system, but without doubt the Daily Express website will keep us up to speed.

“What a waste of time that was,” said expat John Longworth. “It was just the same old recycled guff from the clapped out old windbag, but it was nice to see he was wearing the mustard coloured corduroy pants again. Having said that, it was more like a Britain First meeting in the back room of an Essex pub than a Nuremburg rally type of thing.

PB for Cafe Spike.


If You Vote To Remain In The EU You’ll All Die

The Flag Of DOOM!

The Flag Of DOOM!

The in/out referendum scaremongering reached a whole new level today after a man in a Preston pub announced to other customers that if they vote to stay in the EU they’ll all die.

“I stand by every word,” said 72 year old Tommy Oddment. “If we stay in the EU the sky will fall in and we’ll probably get struck by a comet. It’s that serious I’m afraid. Frankly the EU is responsible for everything bad that ever happened anywhere, including the big bang, and it’ll only get worse. If we don’t vote leave we face the apocalypse, the end of days. We’ll all die and become extinct and nobody will ever know we were here.”

In opposition, one man argued that if the world is going to end then it won’t really matter how anybody votes in the referendum because we’ll all be dead anyway.

“We can survive if we have control of our borders and our own sovereignty,” Mr Oddment argued. “We’ll be able to get rid of all the foreigners and introduce an Australian style points system. It’s the only way.”

“But if what you say is true,” the opposition man said. “We’ll all be dead. So how does that work?”

“Oh fuck off,” Mr Oddment grumbled, retreating to a corner table and lighting his pipe.

More as we get it.