Slimy Turd Quits Job – Sort Of

Fuck you too Farage.

Fuck you too Farage.

So Nigel Farage stepped down as the Leader of UKIP today, but he isn’t stepping down as an MEP and will continue to draw his salary from EU HQ in Brussels. How boringly predictable.

Let’s be clear on this – we detest Nigel Farage. We think he’s an odious little creep, a perfectly vile individual, a charlatan and above all a massive mustard panted prick. So as you’ll probably gather, we don’t quite get the adulation and the cult status Farage has acquired through his following of coffin dodging xenophobics.

Farage – the massive prick – is no friend of the working man, no friend of the NHS, indeed no friend of anyone other than himself. He’s a chap with typical “little man” syndrome, an insignificant shit who craves attention and gets it by pandering to the fears of idiots and spouting the bollocks they insist on being spoon fed.

He’s a cheap opportunist, and in our opinion a c*nt of the highest order. Fuck off Nigel and don’t let the door knob hit you on the arse as you leave.

As a mark of our appreciation of your years of self service we might even send you a gift. A great big steaming turd in a cardboard box with some flies and a few wasps in it. Possibly.

Martin Shuttlecock.

*Disclaimer – Normally, our reporter Martin Shuttlecock is an easy going sort of chap who gets along equally well with anyone and everyone. It’s just Nigel Farage and his crew. They get Shuttlecock at it.


The Tears Of A Clown – Brexit Voter Feels Conned

Hands up all those who think I'm an utter cunt...I'll get me coat...

Hands up all those who think I’m an utter cunt…I’ll get me coat…

A prominent circus clown who voted to leave the EU has admitted that he’s been conned after being spoon-fed gallons of absolute hogwash by the likes of Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage, Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove. Benny Bukkake from Essex expressed his utter disgust with prominent Brexiteers on the Big Johnson Show on Radio Rayleigh this morning. [Read more…]


Goodbye My England

Are we mental?

Are we mental?

If there’s one thing that the EU referendum has taught me, it’s that the England, the Britain I know and love is lost. Waking up and going to work on a beautiful summer morning something fundamentally changed. We elected democratically to leave the European Union – there’s no arguing with the democratic process – the collective will of the people should always be respected.

Our Prime Minister resigned – no sad loss in my book because Mr Cameron is the worst Prime Minister ever and has been a monumental flop, along with his cohorts, Gideon Osborne and Michael Gove – but on a broader scale it’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Good riddance to Cameron, Osborne and their ilk.

But there will be a price to pay. As a net contributor to the EU, the remaining countries aren’t going to take this lying down. There will be repercussions. Whether it will all be storm in a teacup or whether it will be a cataclysmic event remains to be seen.

Whatever – the England and Britain that I’ve always loved and felt proud of has become a significantly different animal. We aren’t a united country any more. Like America we’ve become obsessed by greed and personal advancement and to hell with others.

That isn’t my England. My England and my ancestors fought for freedom and equality. Our ancestors laid down their lives so we can live free, and we’ve kicked them square in the face by turning on their sacrifices.

Is this what those people died for? A self obsessed racist xenophobic nation who detest the victims of war and conflict that we were instrumental in creating?

Pull up the ladder, I’m all right Jack.

That isn’t my England.

I’ll be applying for my Irish citizenship and leaving this nest of vipers.

I’m out of here.

You can have your Boris Johnson and your Nigel Farage and your consecutive Conservative governments who will – as they are doing at this moment – strip you of your humanity and dignity.

It’s game over for England. The Brexiters have their wish and they don’t seem to have a clue how to deal with it.

Where will it all end?

I’m not planning on seeing where it goes. I loved my England, my Britain, loved it with all my heart, but no more.

Take it – you’re welcome to whatever’s left.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike


Brexit – Nigel Farage To Hold Mass Debate With Nigel Farage Over Nigel Farage

Blah blah blah blah borders blah blah migrants blah blah

Blah blah blah blah borders blah blah migrants blah blah

UKIP leader Nigel Farage today announced that he would be holding a mass debate with Nigel Farage over the thorny issue of Nigel Farage as the EU stay or leave referendum looms ever closer, in one of those articles that repeats the headline in the first line of text just in case anybody missed it.

“Nigel Farage is a very thorny issue right now,” said Nigel Farage to Nigel Farage in a pub in Kent this lunchtime called The Nigel Farage And Frog Kebab Grill And Pizza House. “Personally I’d welcome an open debate with Nigel Farage about migrants, borders, the EU and Nigel Farage’s bizarre fashion sense, although I doubt he’d take me up on the debate offer because he has no chance of winning. Being a one trick pony and that.”

Responding angrily, Nigel Farage BLASTED Nigel Farage in a DAILY EXPRESS style article, SLAMMING Nigel Farage for being afraid to take on Nigel Farage in an open and frank debate about a subject close to Nigel Farage’s heart.

Nigel Farage is a joke and a charlatan,” Nigel Farage BLASTED. “If he’s so cocksure about his Nigel Farage philosophy and political agenda then why won’t he debate with me on the telly? Or even on a You-Tube clip? I tell it like it is, me, and I’ve never lost a debate yet – apart from the ones where I came second, third or last. That’s why Nigel Farage won’t debate with me.

Nigel Farage declined to respond to Nigel Farage other than by saying: “This is typical of Nigel Farage and UKIP. Always ducking the question and changing the argument to one about immigration.”

“Nigel Farage has either totally lost the plot,” one political analyst told us. “Or he’s caused everyone else to lose the plot. Frankly I don’t give a toss either way. Some people will do anything to get in the news.”

Barking Mad Murphy for Cafe Spike dot com.


Euro Debate – Café Spike Forms Breakaway ‘Vote Leave’ Group

Save our fish and chips! Subscribe to FOE NOW!

Save our fish and chips! Subscribe to FOE NOW!

The new group, known as FOE (F*ck Off Europe) is the brainchild of Café Spike reporter Paddy Berzinski, in response to the fragmented Brexit movement.

“It’s all a bit messy at the moment,” Berzinski said. “There are too many opposing factions supporting the Brexit, so my idea is to unify the movement. The average British xenophobe must feel like they’re being hit about the head with a cricket bat as they try to absorb the sheer number of opposing groups who all essentially want the same thing.

“Our aim at FOE is to unite all the different groups who want to leave the EU. FOE membership only costs £250 and for that you’ll get a badge, a newsletter, a window poster and a unified Brexit movement, so it’s really good value for money when you think about it.

“We’re basing our leave campaign on the motto: What has Europe ever done for us?

“The whole concept of European union is patently ridiculous. We pay all that money in and yet they don’t even send us some half decent weather in return. They just make up daft rules about bent bananas fair pay and reasonable working hours. And don’t even get me started on their stupid safety legislation. If I want to buy cheap electrical goods that might burst into flames at any moment that should be my choice. I don’t need some stupid European bureaucrat who wouldn’t know how to wire a plug up telling me what to do.”

*To join FOE, simply send us £250 in used banknotes. It’s not often you get the chance to take your country back, regain control of your borders and kick out all the foreigners for a paltry £250.

**Join now before we bump the fees up.

FOE – the voice of indigenous Britain.