What Will A Brexit Vote Actually Give Us?

It's a gamble - however you look at it.

It’s a gamble – however you look at it.

With less than 48 hours to go to the referendum the vast majority of the British public appear to be uncertain regarding what will happen given either possible scenario, so here at Cafe Spike we’ve done a bit of research and in this, the first of a two part report we’ll reveal exactly what a Brexit vote will result in, and its effect on the man in the street. (Or woman – we aren’t sexist.)

Here at Cafe Spike we’ll tell the Brexit Brigade exactly what they want to hear. And here’s what we’re hearing (from Brexit voters) we’ll get:

*Control of our borders. (By building a sea between us and the rest of Europe and leaving it to it.)

*Stop immigration. (ALL immigration – the Aussie points system idea is just bullshit.)

*Get rid of everybody – especially the Eastern Europeans, the Muslims, and anyone with a tan who doesn’t holiday in Cornwall.

*Stop all benefits. (Apart from pensions and care home subsidies.)

*Put homeless people in camps.

*Put a stop to refugees. (Especially Muslims.)

*Close all holiday camps just in case.

*Ban tent sales. (Just in case.)

*Award knighthoods to Nigel Farage, Nick Griffin and Paul Nuttall.

*Make our own trade deals with rest of the English speaking world. (Especially China, India and the Commonwealth – if they’ll have us.)

*Bring back Love Thy Neighbour on the telly.

*Elevate Boris Johnson to Divine status.

*Award Iain Duncan Smith the Nobel Peace Price for his sterling work with the sick and the disabled.

*Bring back white dog shit.

*Make everybody rich.

*Have a World Cup where England win to regenerate interest in football.

*Deport all the Muslims.

*Turn all the mosques into lap-dancing clubs.

*Re-instate fish and chips as the nation’s favourite meal.

*Unlimited free online porn.

*Shoot all the leftist socialists.

*Bring back hanging. (Because we like hangings.)

*A return to good, commonsense Nazi values.

*Free Viagra.

*Immediate and mandatory execution of anyone refusing to toe the party line.

*Bring back Robinson’s Barley Water to the Wimbledon tennis championships.

*Scrap the NHS and focus on holistic medicine. (Unless you can afford to pay for such nonsense as life saving surgery etc.)

*Force the Express, the Mail and the Torygraph to stop censoring comments from sociopathic nutters in the interests of free speech.

*Burn every book ever written.

*Trash all museums and smash all the exhibits because life only begins on June 23rd 2016 in our hysterical nation.

*Think of another group to focus your righteous indignation on. (Maybe the Jews, or the Jehovah’s witnesses – or better still, the Irish, Scottish and the Welsh.)

*Fill the seas around the UK up with imported fish in order to replenish dwindling fish stocks. (so that we can fuck it all up again by overfishing.)

*Free everything. (Apart from beer and fags which will incur a nominal charge but be much cheaper than they are now.)

*The right to bear arms and go on high school and gay club killing sprees unfettered by red tape.

*Straight bananas, really powerful hoovers and proper British passports.

*The absolute right to eat bacon sandwiches at will.

** Based on the views of the absolute fucking idiots who comment on the websites of the Express, the Mail, the Scum and the Torygraph. (With particular emphasis on the Express.)

***Brought to you by Cafe Spike in the spirit of togetherness.

Paddy Berzinski


Man who got the internet now scared of everything



A 59 year old Falklands veteran who never used to be afraid of anything has revealed that he is now scared to set foot outside his front door since he connected to the internet.

Ex-Welsh Guardsman Crispin Evans said that he’s now scared of migrants, Muslims, giant rats, false widow spiders, drunken hooligans, rapists, muggers, chuggers, the government, flying saucers, the New World Order, fast food, carbohydrates, bacon, Alzheimers, base jumpers, free climbers, zit squeezers, celebrities, the NHS, Jeremy Corbyn, Ant and Dec, Creationists, Simon Cowell, the Kardashians, sex maniacs, vicious dogs and low flying drones.

“I never used to be scared of anything,” Mr Evans said. “I was always pretty fearless but since I got the internet I’m petrified of just about everything. Still, I suppose it pays to keep abreast of developments. I never realised I was in mortal danger every day of my life, so from now on I’ll be stopping indoors and getting my shopping delivered. If I really have to go out I’ll take taxis everywhere, door to door. You can’t be too careful these days.”

We tried to contact comedians Lee Mack and Tim Vine out of Not Going Out for comment but they were both out, but not out-out like that cheeky Cockney comedian Micky Flanagan who hasn’t been seen for a fortnight and whose wife told us to tell him to phone home if we managed to contact him because his tea’s going cold.

Paddy Berzinski