99% Of Express Readers Don’t Get That They’re Idiots

I ain't fick!

I ain’t fick!

In a shock poll conducted by Cafe Spike it has emerged that 99% of Daily Express readers refuse to accept that they are idiots, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“The fact that I believe every conspiracy theory out there and that I’m incredibly gullible and stupid doesn’t make me an idiot,” claimed one outraged Express reader. “Although I must admit I did feel a bit of a twat after panic buying two thousand tins of vegetable soup and a catapult after the Express weather reporter told us about the impending ice age, but nobody can predict the weather. Ergo I am not an idiot. End of.”

“Just because I’d stop at nothing to get my country back doesn’t make me an idiot,” said 89 year old UKIP member George Slaughter. “Anyone who doesn’t agree with me should be tortured and shot in the head. My next door neighbour’s grandad didn’t fight in two world wars so that we can be governed by EU Nazis. We’re perfectly capable of our own final solution thank you very much.”

“I’m not gay but I’d perform oral sex on Nigel Farage for all he’s done to deliver our country from the yoke of Nazi oppression,” said an Express reader who calls himself “inlovewithdemocracy” in the comments section of the DE. “And furthermore I’d have anyone who isn’t a white Christian interned in labour camps, although I’m not sure about gas chambers…there must be a more economical way of conducting mass genocide than gassing and cremation.”


All of which kind of says something or other.

Although we haven’t got a clue what that might be.

Martin Shuttlecock.


Daily Express issues severe UK weather warning

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Some woman pictured freezing to death earlier today.

Whatever your thoughts on the Daily Express (probably that it’s a right wing, xenophobic, racist, Brexit and UKIP supporting arse-wipe of a rag lapped up by raving nutters and conspiracy theorists) there’s no denying that its completely misguided weather reportage makes an amusing break from the constant barrage of anti-migrant propaganda and benefit cheat bullshit.

According to the Express’s ‘ace’ weather reporter, Nathan Rao, we’re all seriously doomed, even at the best of times.

What’s particularly alarming about this is that Mr Rao apparently gets paid for his completely twattish forecasts, because even the idiots who read the Express think he’s a bit of a Canute.

Which is quite some feat when you come to think of it. Even people who believe that there were no planes involved on 9/11, that the moon landings were staged, that the Columbine shooting horror was a “false flag” event, that “the elites” are plotting to flood Europe with Islamic fanatics in order to destroy European culture and that Hillary Clinton is a lizard – even these idiots don’t buy the Express’s weather articles.

The latest of which states with confidence: “COLD WEATHER SHOCK: Temperatures to plunge THIS weekend as Winter arrives early in Britain.”

So that’s that sorted. We’re all doomed. Again. As confirmed by this from the Express comments section:

Lets hope its very ‘Choppy’ and Freezing in the Channel! Kill of most of the ‘RapeFugees’ and S C U M before they get to a Dinghy or a Lorry!*

Express readers eh?

Every one a Canute.

Martin Shuttlecock for Cafe Spike dot com.


Vladimir Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize by Mail and Express readers

Hmm..not at all sure about this one - V Putin

Hmm..not at all sure about this one – V Putin

Following his decision to take decisive action in Syria in order to prop up the Assad regime, Russian President Vladimir Putin has found a somewhat unexpected source of support from Express and Mail readers, who almost unanimously are suggesting that he be nominated for the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to end the conflict there by bombing the fuck out of everything that moves.

A Kremlin spokesman told us: “Mr Putin is determined to put an end to this interminable Middle Eastern mess by bombing the crap out of the place and then sending in ground troops to kill anything left alive and restore the country to its original state, which essentially means a windblown sand dune. If necessary he says he’ll nuke the buggers and turn the sand into glass – that is how determined Mr Putin is to bring peace and stability to the area. After that…who knows. Maybe Kansas, where Dorothy and Toto will be vaporised and definitely not Oz bound and she won’t be seeing no wizard. Having said that, Mr Putin has been overwhelmed by the level of support for his peace initiative from Express and Mail readers. By way of appreciation he’s thinking about targeting Brazil too, for a bit of a laugh like.”

Express readers, judging by their online comments will be delighted to learn that their lengthy discourses extolling the virtues of Mr Putin, maintaining that President Obama is a Wahabbist Muslim and basically that everybody who ever purchased a kebab, an onion bhaji, or a vegetable samosa should be shot on sight are actually being read by more than five or six like-minded lunatics.

“I’ve been warning people about the New World Order and the Leftist Cultural Marxists for ages,” Express reader RedGreenAlliance@gmail.com stated. “I’m just elated that the message is getting through at last, and to such a dedicated peacemaker as Mr Putin. It would make my life complete if I could use this as a stepping stone to get a shot on the radio with Alex Jones or do a You Tube interview with David Icke. It’s all about truth and reality at the end of the day.”

Martin Shuttlecock


Café Spike Appeal – Blitz The Mail And Express Comments Sections – Friday 18th September 2015

Let them have it.

Let them have it.

It won’t cost you anything, all you have to do is register a user name and an email address. It should be pointed out that here at Café Spike we’re reasonable people, we’d like to think we’re at least fairly intelligent and informed, and like most reasonable people we find ourselves frequently appalled by some of the hateful comments and levels of abuse directed at ‘dissenters’ by the regular rent a mob commenters on the Mail and Express online websites.

At the Mail, they do at least moderate messages, although their standards regarding what is and isn’t published remain something of a black hole. You’re as likely to be ignored for saying something opposing the Conservative party line as you are for spouting race hate messages. Something of an imbalance. On the Express; it’s starting to read more like a mainstream version of Britain Fist (sic) where it’s perfectly okay to spread hate messages and personal abuse at anyone who has the temerity to disagree with the mob mentality.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I get quite annoyed when I read hate filled comments from xenophobic Little Englanders, especially when they lay claim to being ‘true Brits’ and representative of the national psyche. Being British in my book means being tolerant, understanding, and always prepared to help the underdog, not burying my head in the sand and distancing myself from problems. True Brits don’t take the coward’s way out by closing ourselves off – we get the job done by facing and tackling problems head on.

What’s particularly irksome is that these people openly speak of rivers of blood, armed revolt, and worst of all they equate our history and traditions right there alongside the neo-Nazi line.

It’s easy to dismiss these people as isolated cranks, but their bile is out there on the internet for all to see, and sadly it reflects badly on the real, everyday face of Britain to a global audience. This appeal isn’t about party politics, and it isn’t about whether you think helping refugees is the right or wrong thing to do. It’s about basic humanity.

The Mail and the Express online comment sections have become a rallying point for everything that’s wrong with this country. People applauding benefit cuts to the genuinely sick, people who question countless images of bodies washed up on beaches and say they don’t care. These comment sections are where they congregate, hammering furiously away at keyboards in some basement, happy that thanks to the internet they can connect with like minded souls.

Such people certainly don’t represent me, and I’d like to think that they don’t represent the people of this nation either. Theirs is the politics based on fear and hatred, and that surely isn’t what we’re all about.

So have a look at these sites on Friday – 18/09/15 – and add your voice when you find something objectionable. Let these bigots know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent you.

We’re just a small non-profit comedy based website, so we have nothing to gain from this other than the satisfaction of letting these dinosaurs know in no uncertain terms that they don’t represent the vast majority – which is their main claim.

Don’t forget – 18/09/15 – Express and Mail online.

Please share and re-tweet this article on social media. It’s time to demonstrate to the world that this country is not about blind hatred. Don’t let the bigots win.

Thank you.

Martin Shuttlecock for Café Spike


People Who Write ‘FACT!’ At The End Of Online Posts Are Morons – FACT!



If you’re one of those smart-arsed internet commentators who add the word ‘FACT!’ after posting some smugly conceited comment on an internet forum, you might not really want to read this article. Because the reality is that punching ‘FACT!’ out on your keyboard whilst foaming at the mouth doesn’t exactly bestow upon you an air of intellectual superiority.

It just makes you come across as a proper knob-head.

‘FACT!’ is the latest incarnation of POSTING A COMMENT IN UPPER CASE TYPE – which in itself automatically informs your reader that you have nothing worthwhile to say, but that you’re going to post in big shouty letters anyway. Because it takes prominence on screen.

It doesn’t.

Nobody with half a brain ever reads anything posted in Caps Lock because by its very nature it reveals itself to be moronic without having to take the trouble to read the content. Readers just know it’s going to be crap. End of.

That’s another one. End of. End of rarely ever exactly means that, because it isn’t the end of anything. It’s just an open invitation to continue an online argument. It’s designed to wind the ‘sheeple’ up.

Sheeple? That’s another irritating term, which implies that the commentator in question has all the answers, whereas the sheeple, a bit like sheep, tend to believe that things such as chemtrails, the illuminati, the New World Order, Reptilian alien space monsters, the Loch Ness monster and suchlike don’t exactly exist. They’re just the product of some fevered dream fired up in some lonely sad case’s bedroom.

These days, with the wonders of online communications all the sad cases can gather in cyberspace, together, and commune with like-minded delusional halfwits.

If you’re reading this and silently nodding to yourself in agreement, thinking that all the above mentioned ‘types’ are card carrying members of the tin foil hat brigade – then don’t. Because people who comment with words to the effect of ‘polish your tin foil hat up’ are just as fucking irritating.

Which brings us to the grammar nazis.

Now, we all appreciate that even the best of us make typos from time to time, especially if you’re messaging on a phone or an iPad, because it can be a bit fiddly, moreso if it’s done in haste. Like on a bus, train, or in a toilet cubicle at work. Most people understand that, and make allowances.

We’d argue though, that in some cases there are serial offenders – and strangely enough, they almost invariably appear to be politically minded right wing extremists. Who are ‘TAKING ARE COUNTRY BACK’ or some such bollocks.

We’d like to suggest that anyone who wants to take ‘are’ country back, or stop these marauding alien hordes from spreading ‘they’re’ filthy religion after storming ‘are boarders’ might use as a starting point getting to grips with their own fucking native language.

And, in closing, as is our wont, we leave you with: ‘VOTE UKIP!’

As seen ad nauseum all over comments pages on the likes of mail online and the express. Whether you actually choose to VOTE UKIP or not is none of our business. Suffice to say that Nigel Farage makes David Cameron and the late Rusty Lady look like left wing students embroiled in a poll tax riot – but hey…it’s your choice.

Want to end animal cruelty? VOTE UKIP! Want increased pensions and a fairer deal for the vulnerable? VOTE UKIP! Want to become an isolated nation cut off from our European neighbours? VOTE UKIP! Want to send every foreign born UK resident packing? VOTE UKIP!

Quite frankly we don’t give a toss what you do.

But we would be eternally grateful if some of you would confine your stupid thoughts, ideas and misguided messages to the inside of your own skulls and not share them with a mainly disinterested world.

You know who you are.

End of.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski


19 Of Today’s Daftest Online News Headlines

It's A Funny Old World

It’s A Funny Old World

With so many insane news items splashed all over the internet it’s no surprise that satirical news sites appear to be having a tough time of it at the moment. From the badly phrased, to the OMG! and all the way on to WTF? and stating the bleeding obvious, our online news sites take some beating. We had a quick surf around some of them today and we found some stuff that we found either interesting or just plain stupid. Here’s a selection of them from Thursday 16th October 2014.

Michael Jackson is top dead earner for second year. (Express)

This one was in the Express, obviously. One accolade every performer on Earth would surely dread being the subject of.

High-flying banker nicknamed ‘Crazy Miss Cokehead’ by bullying male colleagues claims compensation of £14million after winning employment tribunal (Mail)

How much? £14million? We reckon the world really has finally gone mad.

Actress to meet police over abuse (BBC)

It’s the phrasing with this one – which just goes to show that the BBC don’t always get it right. (No sniggering at the back!) Maybe it’s just us but “meeting over abuse” just comes out all wrong. Sort of makes it out like meeting over tea and biscuits.

A topless Abbey Clancy straddles a guitar in short film directed by Kate Moss’ hairdresser. (Express)

This one just has to be the most idiotic headline of the day. Having said that, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Kate Moss’s hairdresser also makes short films. The mind boggles.

The (beautiful) calm before the storm: Tranquil scenes across Britain before wind and rain caused by Atlantic weather front sweep in (Mail)

The Mail again demonstrating journalistic excellence. Wind and rain? In Britain? In October? Who’d have known?

Horse shot dead and left in garden (BBC)

After actually reading this article we were left with one question: Why?

Noel Gallagher finishes song after 23-year wait. (Express)

The album is going to be a long time coming then…

Parent’s fury as children are banned from going to the toilet during lessons unless they have a sick note from their doctor (Mail)

This has got to be a joke, or worse an outright lie. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Man detained for attempted PC murder (BBC)

Again, it’s the phrasing of this one that’s all wrong. Nobody at Café Spike condones attempting to murder a police officer – or did they mean an attempted Politically Correct murder?

Camilla fondly remembers her brother who ‘used to chase me with cricket bat’ (Express)

And she has ‘fond memories’ of being chased by her cricket bat wielding brother? Sounds more like the stuff of nightmares to us. But then, she’s a Royal and her hubby has been known to indulge in the odd spot of weirdness.

Is this silver dome-shaped object spotted in the sky above a paranormal conference a UFO? (Mail)

No. No it isn’t. It’s just another fuzzy picture illustrating another non-news item from the Mail.

Katie Hopkins targets The Apprentice’s Karren Brady in brutal attack on ‘moustache’ (Express)

More plain weirdness. We can’t help wondering how one conducts a brutal attack on a moustache…

Unidentifiable meat, soggy pasta and stale bread rolls: Airline food from around the world revealed (but not ALL of it is unappetising) (Mail)

Nothing much changed there then. Since the last time the Mail repeated this non-story for the nth time.

‘Hero’ nurse who infected Nazis with STDs to be honoured by plaque (Express)

Blimey! Cracking example of germ warfare there.

Brand Gives Brits Permission To vote After Being Called A ‘Bum Hole’ (Huffington Post)

Kind of Russell, that. Wonder which ex-Sex Pistol and PiL frontman called him a ‘Bum Hole’?

Deadly virus capable of WIPING OUT human race could fall from SPACE at any moment (Express)

Erm…this theory has been expostulated for decades. Not scaremongering then Express? Damn, we sold up and spent all our money on cocaine on the strength of this.

‘This Year’s ‘Strictly’ Is The Worst Series Ever’ (Huffington Post)

Sorry Huff, you must have mistaken us for somebody who actually gives a toss.

Dwarf handed crayons and colouring book as he sat down for romantic dinner with fiancée (Metro)

Metro there, rehashing last week’s ‘news.’ We seem to recall that the ‘romantic dinner’ took place in a fast food joint…although we could be wrong.

Denmark to finally ban animal sex because ‘it’s damaging the country’s reputation’ (Express)

*Eyes packet of bacon suspiciously*

And that’s it for today. You can find all this stuff online if you’re remotely interested. Or desperately sad like us. We might even do a few more of these if we have the time.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski


Express Takes Over From Mail Online In The Controversial Comments Stakes

Who's The Daddy Now?

Who’s The Daddy Now?

There hasn’t been much to speak of in terms of good news recently, as we’re sure you don’t need reminding. Civilians being bombed in Gaza, IS running amok in Syria and Iraq, the ugly spectre of racist policing being a fact of life in the USA, Ebola, and the ice bucket challenge. A quick pootle around the internet confirms all of the above and more, and as our leaders enter into crisis talks concerning national security at various holiday destinations around the globe, one is left wondering how such seemingly intractable problems are ever going to be resolved.

In fairness to Britain, Home Secretary Theresa May has acted swiftly and decisively, demonstrating leadership of Churchillian proportions by vowing to punish returning Jihadists with…ASBO’s… (Anti-Social Behaviour Orders – similar to the type of ASBO you’d get for playing loud music all night or persistently pissing in your neighbour’s wheelie bin…)

Here at Café Spike we aren’t overtly political – we tend to believe in doing the right thing – but Ms May’s deterrent to those guys out in Syria or Iraq who are beheading and crucifying people seems to be laughably inadequate.

“Best not cut his head off Razza…we don’t want the old Bill waiting for us at Stratford when we get back. Could end up wiv an ASBO bruv…”

We don’t know what the solution is, if indeed there is one, but a great many people do. They are the ones who post comments on sites like the Mail and Express online.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. "Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats" one reported.

IS ASBO Protest Demo. “Theresa May has got us shitting ourselves with her ASBO threats” one reported.

Now, the Mail comments have long had a reputation for being right wing and extremely intolerant, not to mention outspoken. The less popular Express site we at Café Spike had largely regarded as irrelevant – until we looked at it recently. And whilst the Islamic State fighters may not actually be shitting themselves at the prospect of an ASBO – the keyboard warriors here in the UK and elsewhere certainly appear to be a cause for concern, as they try to out-UKIP one another.

The general consensus appears to be that had UKIP been in power here in the UK that civilian airliners wouldn’t have been shot down, the whole middle east situation would never have happened and that the American police would have eliminated ethnic minorities decades ago.

Perhaps these commentators’ views would carry more weight if the keyboard warriors could actually achieve some sort of command of their mother tongue, and perhaps not express their views in shouty upper case letters strewn flamboyantly with half of the global supply of exclamation marks.

And the Express comments won our ‘Oh My God!’ award when one thicko described the Notting Hill Carnival as the “Ebola and street crime festival.”

It’s good to know that our nation’s heritage is in good hands.

It could be worse – these people could have their fingers hovering over the button…