An Open Letter To Suella Fernandes

Fareham Doesn't Want Any More Of This Sort Of Thing

Fareham Doesn’t Want Any More Of This Sort Of Thing

Dear Suella,

Congratulations on your successful election campaign and we wish you every success in your new position, representing the people of Fareham in parliament over the coming five years and possibly beyond.

Right, that’s the formalities concluded. Now down to business.

It has come to our notice (‘our’ meaning my good lady wife and I, together, the two of us) that within a mere 48 hours of winning the seat, you appear to have certainly hit the ground running with your assertion that most people you have spoken to are in favour of the Welborne development plan, as outlined in an article for The News.

Upon reading this ambiguous statement we were left with a rather uncomfortable feeling deep within our roiling tummies.

How many people did you speak to? How many were against the project?

We ask simply because most people we’ve spoken to appear to be either blissfully unaware of the proposed development, or that they haven’t actually thought through the long term implications. The pro-Welborne stance maintains that the development will be an overall asset to the area, whereas a burgeoning anti-Welborne movement foresee nothing but chaos. The arguments on both sides have been pretty well documented, and we are confident that you will have spent many hours poring over reams of claim and counter-claim in order to familiarise yourself with a comprehensive overview of the contrasting arguments.

(You have my deepest sympathy for having the patience to scan reams of gobbledook and officialise – many years ago I too had to burn the midnight oil studying Thomas Hardy’s ‘Far From The Madding Crowd’ for a GCE O Level English Lit exam, so I am fully aware of what a pain in the posterior intensive cramming can actually be. Heaven alone knows how you barristers cope with all that swotting over masses of complicated books; in my experience Hardy was more than sufficiently challenging.)

All of which leads me to beg the question: What is your personal stance regarding Welborne, based on whatever information you have gleaned?

I ask this because there appear to be grave concerns among the anti-Welborne campaigners (whom the council leader allegedly refers to – somewhat dismissively by all accounts – as ‘keyboard warriors’) that you will, as an individual and a resident, toe the council line and unconditionally support the proposal.

Now, I must admit that I am not a supporter of the development plan, and add that I am not to the best of my knowledge a swivel eyed loon, although this may occasionally be a debatable point on the occasions when I’ve overdone it a bit on the mead. Thus it came about that I actually defended you this morning in our kitchen, to my wife as she was preparing a hearty fried breakfast – cholesterol and fat laden admittedly but you only live once, and a full English is one of life’s finest treats in my humble opinion.

“No,” I told my wife in no uncertain terms. “Suella will NOT be biased towards the local council in the great Welborne debate, because she is the elected representative of all the people of Fareham, and she will represent ALL of us equally – even the anti-Welborne rabble, for that is her duty.”

I Just Want A Normal Breakfast. Is That Too Much To Ask?

I Just Want A Normal Breakfast. Is That Too Much To Ask?

My wife didn’t seem completely convinced by my argument in your favour and as an expression of her disgust with me she subsequently smothered my breakfast in mingingly hot chilli sauce. Undeterred I ate my breakfast anyway and my eyes stopped streaming at about tea-time. Which is when I was moved to type out this message.

Are you for or against Welborne? Against or for? Or are you neutral?

The anti-Welborne movement have a Facebook page which you are cordially invited to join. They really aren’t a fanatical NIMBY type group – they welcome all opinions with an open mind.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/381680855306724/

I hope you can take time out from your busy schedule to confirm your stance on this matter, not least because I don’t think I can stand too many hot chilli smothered fried breakfasts as it’s starting to play havoc with my motions.

Yours Faithfully

Martin Shuttlecock

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Facebook Rallies Round To Save Nepal Earthquake Victims With Prayers

Thank God For Facebook

Thank God For Facebook

The tens of thousands of victims of the Nepal earthquake will at least derive some comfort from the knowledge that millions of Facebookers the world over are praying for them in their sitting rooms and trusting in God to sort the entire mess out. Unconfirmed reports also suggest that God’s Twitter feed went ‘mental’ over the weekend, causing a complete meltdown in heaven.

As rescuers dug tirelessly through the rubble attempting to extricate survivors, one man – his hands bloodied and dusty told us, “It inspires me that the online community is right there alongside me in spirit, although on a more basic level my countrymen would probably find practical help, such as tents, blankets, food and medical supplies a bit more useful than prayers.”

Doctors at Kathmandu’s central hospital have expressed their undying gratitude for the level of support they’ve received in Facebook memes and multi-faith calls for universal prayer.

“It’s nice to know,” one said. “That as I’m amputating some kid’s leg above the knee, or patching up fracture trauma that there are people out there, all over the world, eating fudge brownies and drinking beer as they pound away at their laptops expressing their deepest sympathies, whilst demonstrating to all their friends how compassionate and deeply spiritual they are. I had a young girl die from severe crush injuries on the operating table this morning, but I’m sure she’ll have been quite flattered to think that the online community actually give a toss, between their “VOTE UKIP!” posts and their support of various conspiracy theories.”

One notorious internet troll even went as far as to promise not to post online in ‘CAPS LOCK’ mode for an entire week as a mark of respect and support for the displaced and bereaved.

Bono out of U2 is rumoured to be preparing a dramatic media statement.

In other news, 18% of Britons still believe that Nigel Farage is one of the boys and understands the concerns of working people.

Martin Shuttlecock.

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Cafe Spike – Just 999,884 FB Likes Away From Our First Million

Help Café Spike Hit The Million. If They Do They've Promised Me Free Viagra For Life - Pele

Help Café Spike Hit The Magic Million. If They Do They’ve Promised Me Free Viagra For Life – Pele

There were jubilant scenes today at the offices of online magazine www.cafespike.com as the latest statistics showed that the site is only 999,884 Facebook ‘likes’ away from the benchmark of a cool million.

“We’re getting there,” Editor in Chief Martin Shuttlecock beamed as he cracked open a celebratory can of Special Brew. “It’s fair to say that it’s been a slow and somewhat laborious process building up our first Facebook million, but we’ve only been going for two years and we’ve got a hundred and sixteen FB ‘likes’ already, so we haven’t got far to go before we’re up there with the best of them, the high rollers like Britain First, the Conservative Party and Alan Titchmarsh.”

Web analyst Damon Strawbarn explained that although the website is performing well, progress on Facebook was initially somewhat ponderous.

“It was a bit ponderous at first,” Strawbarn said. “You see, the thing is that Facebook is a notoriously difficult market to crack, but the guys and gals are well on the way. A bit like the Beatles cracking America in the 60’s. I think the problem with Facebook is that the competition is so fierce. When you’re sharing mainly half-arsed comedy content on an ad free platform that doesn’t crash your computer or bombard you with advertising like some others, you just can’t compete with gripping pictures and clips of kittens and puppies doing stuff which quite frankly I find mundane and stupid. The same as people telling you what the weather’s like, how hungry they are at any given moment, or posting stupid selfies all day long.”

It would be fair to say that some Facebook users also find Café Spike mundane and stupid. The Editor in Chief of a prestigious satirical website complained that Café Spike suffers from verbal diahrroeah, and completely misses the point of satire by continually publishing long winded articles concerning what people had for their dinner that day, and that there isn’t enough foul language and full frontal nudity on the site. Or articles about being youthfully virile and masturbating into a sock.

“We aren’t a satire site though,” Shuttlecock responded. “We just do daft stuff and whatever appeals to the editorial team on any given day. As for the dearth of foul and abusive language – that usually depends on how drunk or stoned we happen to be at the time of publication. Sometimes we’re just not bothered. As for being virile and masturbating into socks; we can’t be arsed with all that. We’re a bit long in the tooth for all that malarkey.”

Stock market analyst Ferdinand Ponzi told speculative investors last night at a meeting at London’s renowned Grosvenor House Hotel that although the site’s owners aren’t actively seeking investment they’re a sure fire bet for speculators. “You can send them some money if you like,” he said. “But they’ll probably just spend it on something or other that makes no sense whatsoever.”

You can help the Café Spike fightback by liking our Facebook page and sharing our articles with your friends. Anything you can do to help us avoid paying those thieving bastards at Facebook to promote our page is much appreciated. If you’d like to contribute, you can either contact us or Martin Shuttlecock via Facebook, but don’t bother if your stuff is crap. We’re only interested in making you work hard so we don’t have to. Spread the word, drop us a comment. We’ll probably ignore you altogether, but that’s life.

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Man Who Hasn’t Washed For 20 Years Bemoans Lack Of Friends

Gordon Gordon pictured last night smoking a tab which he found in a bin.

Gordon Gordon pictured last night smoking a tab which he found in a bin.

Gordon Gordon, 52 claims he hasn’t had a wash or a bath in 20 years but says he’s generally quite content with his lot, apart from not having anyone in his life he can truly call a friend.

Gordon Gordon contacted our reporter by text from a bench 25 metres away, saying that not having any friends could be quite painful at times, as he often felt a bit lonely and had nobody to confide in. “It’s not like I smell or anything,” he texted us. “At least I can’t smell anything, and nobody’s said anything about the flaky skin, at least not to me. Maybe it’s the big beard or all the snot encrusted on the sleeve of me raincoat – I honestly don’t know why I don’t have any friends. Maybe it’s my personality that puts people off.”

We were contacted by an ex-girlfriend of Gordon’s who told us:

“Yes I used to go out with him, but it was a long time ago. I broke it off shortly after he stopped bathing. Couldn’t stand the smell. I told him I’d dump him if he didn’t buck his ideas up but he wouldn’t listen. It’s sad really. Even his cat ran away in the end.”

We don’t know quite what to make of Gordon Gordon’s unique and unenviable situation. Is he a victim of circumstance? Is he wallowing in self pity because of a self-inflicted condition? Or is he a bit crackers? We texted him to ask how he coped.

“I used to have a friend on Facebook,” he replied. “But all she’s interested in is posting clips of kittens, so I unfriended her. Still, at least I have the flies, and they never answer back. They just buzz and stuff like that.”

Gordon Gordon, a truly remarkable individual.

Reporter: Paddy Berzinski (From a safe distance.)

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Our Facebook Friends Aren’t Really Friends – They Just Don’t Care

This 'Friend' Offered To Sell Us Viagra

This ‘Friend’ Offered To Sell Us Viagra

Café Spike is in crisis. And the reason is simple. We just found out that our Facebook ‘friends’ don’t really care about us. Not that we have that many Facebook friends anyway, because generally speaking we do tend to be a little obnoxious and patronising towards certain intellectually challenged ‘friends’ or ‘friends of friends’ when they can’t spell proper like what we do, or when they insist on communicating in upper case shouty capital letters.

So we decided to put our friends’ loyalty to the test.

We sent out personal messages to all our friends relating that our pet crocodile – Josephine – had been stricken with mumps and that we needed donations urgently to relieve Josephine’s pain, and to prevent his testicles from atrophy. Which would have rendered him a sterile crocodile. We asked for any donation from 10p to a million squids.

Result: nothing.

So we determined that our friends don’t really give a toss about animal welfare.

So we decided to appeal to our friends’ humanity.

We posted personal messages appealing for donations, scurrilously claiming that our entire editorial team had been smitten with scurvy and an unspecified sexually transmitted disease. And that we were running low on booze and pies. We went to great pains to explain that our situation was becoming intolerable and that the atmosphere in our office was becoming unbreathable due to fart gas and halitosis.

Nothing.

Nobody offered to help. (With the possible exception of Frank Jordan who offered to send us a pile of cabbage. Thanks Frank – but it would only have made matters worse on the fart gas front. And in such an enclosed space it was never really going to be a viable option.)

Our final throw of the dice was to admit that we’re dirt poor, that we’ve got the bailiffs in and that our families are facing a phantom existence of drug addiction and sexual slavery unless somebody could raise $1 Million or £750,000 UK quids for a world cruise to temporarily alleviate the suffering.

Nobody sent us any money.

All we got back in the end was a pile of memes featuring fluffy kittens, puppies, and quotes from everybody ranging from Nietzche and Einstein through John Lennon and Timmy Mallet.

Our conclusion was that our friends don’t really care about us.

Are we bothered?

Are we f……..

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Mr Derek Philpott – Exclusive Interview With Cafe Spike

Derek As Seen On You Tube With Wilf And Shakin' Stevens

Derek As Seen On You Tube With Wilf And Shakin’ Stevens

We first heard of the Bournemouth OAP Pop Crusaders Derek Philpott and Wilf Turnbull three or four years ago when a friend of ours pointed us in the direction of www.wilfturnbull.co.uk and we were delighted by what we found.

Derek and Wilf write whimsical letters to pop stars concerning (and questioning the validity of) the lyrical content of some of the stars’ greatest hits. And they’re almost always hysterically funny in a unique and often surreal English way. It’s all good fun and the letters are fantastic, but there’s a lot of thought and careful comedic timing in the composition of the missives.

The icing on the cake comes when the stars themselves send replies – a small minority don’t quite appear to grasp the humour, but most of those who do respond do so in the true spirit of things, often self deprecatingly lampooning themselves in the process. Needless to say that Derek and Wilf became extremely popular, starring in animated short films on You Tube and they must have received hundreds of requests from websites, magazines etc to feature their splendid work.

To our surprise, we received a message from our US friend Frank Jordan asking us to contact Derek as he and Wilf would be quite happy to allow Café Spike to use their material freely and at no charge. Perfect! And this is our ‘tennis style’ chat we’re having at the moment – blow by blow. Hopefully it doesn’t get too silly…

"I'm Lovin This!" - Lady GaGa

“I’m Lovin This!” – Lady GaGa

Café Spike – Welcome Derek. Tell us, what inspired you to start writing to pop stars?

Derek Philpott -Good Afternoon Sir. Wilf and I were at a friend’s wedding in 2008, and as Wilf would say, who should come on but ‘that’ Duran Duran? After a third mushroom vol au vent as Le Bon and his cohorts filled the air (not literally), Wilf stood stock still and declared that wolves are not the only animals that experience appetite pangs and should not therefore be isolated as such on the basis that pandas get peckish, ravens ravenous, storks starved and ferrets famished for example. Then, mid-chicken drumstick Living In A Box came on and he wondered why in heaven’s name a popstar would be residing within a cardboard box, given that the job is notoriously well-paid? I agreed vehemently and asked him what in the blazes he was going to do about it. He replied that there was nothing for it other than to write to both of them.

I should add that although Wilf and I cannot resist the odd punnery within our missives and our readers react with humour, we are genuinely trying to get to the bottom of things

Café Spike – Did they reply?

Derek Philpott – It is in my opinion pseudo-flattering that in some quarters of the internet debate rages upon the authenticity of the replies. Contrary to the initial and continuing assumptions of the media and many popstars themselves, Wilf and I ARE genuinely two more mature ‘ordinary members of the public with no ‘çlaims to fame’ or ‘connections’ to the music industry whatsoever. That said, Wilf is insistent that he once saw Elvis Costello playing Crazy Golf in Boscombe Gardens. ”My Aim Is True” seemed a rather dishonest claim given that his wild approach shot on the fifth tee bounced off a windmill and ended up in the pond. For my own part, I was aghast to witness Kelly Jones from The Stereophonics at the Vodaphone outlet on Commercial Road causing a horrendous queue one afternoon as he insisted on the sales assistant detailing every tariff and mobile phone in their range, only to state at the end that he was “just looking and not buying.” If there are indeed things the Welsh Rocker wants and things he thinks he wants, may I suggest that future enquiries be conducted ‘online’. But I digress. We have had to approach all popstars through the same channels as everyone else, ie official facebook pages and management. Thus far Duran Duran have not replied, but we eventually received a response from Living In A Box five years later. As our popularity grows, we are now being directly tapped into new pop stars through others and famous enthusiasts of our work.

Café Spike – What was your favourite reply? And who surprised you the most by being a good sport?

Derek And Wilf's Fans Celebrate The Release Of A New Letter

Derek And Wilf’s Fans Celebrate The Release Of A New Letter

Derek Philpott – That changes constantly. Fish, whom I adore as an artist and is now a wonderful ‘facebook friend’ was particularly erudite. If pushed however I would have to say Rick Wakeman. Here is a little secret. Many involved such as Was (Not Was) and the lovely Julianne Regan from All About Eve and Ian McNabb, a true and genuine rock and roll artist, are in continued private correspondence with me and have all stated that they all valued this worldwide public platform with which to explain their lyrics and answer questions that have been asked of them for years.

No-one surprised me by being a good sport given that I do not pre-judge people based on public perception.

Café Spike – Is there anyone you’d really like to write to, but hold back because you don’t think they’d bother to reply?

Derek Philpott – Yes Sir. XTC, Morrissey, Mark E. Smith, Scott Walker, Lemmy, Chesney Hawkes and The Archies.

Café Spike – The Archies? Surely you jest Sir!

Derek Philpott – Well, Wilf and I often remark that we have the politest fan base imaginable and we’re immensely proud of that. We do jest, but we would never mock our readers. Admittedly, we could be accused of japery on occasion such as when writing to Mr. John declining his offer to’step Into Christmas’, on the basis that Yuletide is a unit ot time, and not a place to be entered by the lifting and setting down of a foot. However, in the case of a lyric stated as an incontrovertible fact when it is clearly not, such as The Wonderstuff claiming to blow up their problems to the size of a cow without recourse to artistic license or metaphor, no, we are not. Hindrances can only measured in relation to the ease with which they can rectified, and not bovine inflation. I am not for a second suggesting that art be subject to regulation or trading standards , but we as the consumer and audience are perfectly entitled to ask. We often get fan emails thanking us for articulating inconsistencies that listeners have harboured for years. I would add that we are never rude.

A Futile Attempt To Step Into Christmas

A Futile Attempt To Step Into Christmas

Café Spike – Without giving anything away, are you in the process of composing a new letter at the moment?

Derek Philpott – We are not, Sir. In the early days, as we were ‘nobodies’ we did not harbour much hope of a reply at all. Thankfully, such is our status now as more and more popstars reply and our exposure is now worldwide, we tend only to write if it has been established in advance that a reply is extremely likely to be forthcoming. We are inundated with requests from our lovely ”fans” but the letters can take many hours to craft. We are currently awaiting replies from The Christians, Erasure, Billy Bragg, Dr and The Medics, Sigue Sigue Sputnik and Paul Heaton, from memory.

From Philpottery On Facebook And Currently Taking Pride Of Place On Café Spike's Beer Fridge - Lady Budgerigaga

From Philpottery On Facebook And Currently Taking Pride Of Place On Café Spike’s Beer Fridge – Lady Budgerigaga

Café Spike – That sounds exciting! Tell us a little bit about Philpottery…but not too much because we’re working on a full article about the enterprise.

Derek Philpott – As I say, the letters  can take hours to construct, and rather than sitting next to me doing nothing my wife Jean took to making plasticine popstar animals such as Lady BudgeriGaGa and Amy WineMouse, incorporating trademark features of the artist into the creatures. The reaction on facebook was so incredible, with people actually asking to buy her artistry, that we invested in professional modelling clay and tools and now make fridge magnets for people. They either pick from those already online or give us their own suggestions. Very much like my Polite Heavy Metal Covers which the NME featured immediately that they went online, this was just an extension of the rather surreal and amusing elements of pop music that we have unravelled from the art form whilst writing letters. Why did Buddy Holly refer to the other musicians as nocturnal grasshopper-like insects? It is all very bewildering and amuses us greatly. Pop music is the only branch of The Humanities which evokes such a bizarre and overwhelming response. One doesn’t ever see a chart of the best paintings and then thousands of people flocking to the gallery to hysterically scream at the piece voted number one.

From Philpottery On Facebook And A Great Deal At Twice The Price - The Snoutorious P.I.G.

From Philpottery On Facebook And A Great Deal At Twice The Price – The Snoutorious P.I.G.

Café Spike – We think it’s a wonderful idea – a personalised souvenir from your good selves. As you know we have two taking pride of place on the Café Spike beer fridge. Does it ever concern you that such diversification could distract you from your letter writing?

Derek Philpott – Oh Good Heavens, no, Mr. Shuttlecock, quite the opposite The Polite Heavy Covers came about simply because my son showed me his new guitar whereupon I remarked that the tuning pegs were very shiny. His response to the effect that they were machine heads was so dramatic that I realised that the latter was a lot more machismo-founded, and would it not be funny if Deep Purple had actually recorded an album called ”Tuning Peg”. The letters are so meticulously crafted and researched that it is very therapeutic to stop writing, clear one’s head, design a witty album cover or help Jean with Lion May’s whiskers, and then go back afresh.

Café Spike – It works very well. Your work is invariably fresh. Did the manner in which the whole package has taken off take you by surprise?

Derek Philpott – There was no agenda or master plan. Wilf did not at any point tell me that he was going to write to Toto Coelo pointing out that in ”I Eat Cannibals” two wrongs don’t make a right, in order that 5 years later a fan could ask for a Cheetah Gabriel fridge magnet. It is an organic process and from the correspondences received from fans it simply appears that the letters and japery offshoots are simply tapping into the collective consciousness of thousands of like-minded people.

Café Spike – Thanks Derek, this has been an absolute pleasure, and a hopefully insightful glimpse inside the inner sanctum of Bournemouth’s celebrated OAP pop crusaders.

*Editor’s note – at this point in time we had to curtail the Q&A session, but if anyone has any further questions, please feel free to send them to either Café Spike or Derek himself via Facebook. For any newcomers out there, you can catch up with Derek and Wilf’s letters at www.wilfturnbull.co.uk And you can find the range of pop star animal fridge magnets, with pics on the Facebook page: Philpottery, where you can also order your own fridge magnets. Derek’s ‘Polite Heavy Metal Album Covers’ featured on the NME website, and you can also run a You Tube search for Wilf Turnbull for some animated japery. Thank you for reading. Your support is invaluable.*

Reporter: – Martin Shuttlecock. (Who’s also on Facebook, but he’s rubbish.)

A Café Spike exclusive. Brought to you by…erm….Café Spike.

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